Authors Note

Greetings from beyond the curtains. It's me, you know, the author? HILARIOUS funny guy, amazing lover, and celebrated fanfiction creator...

Anywho. Ever since my spontaneous... and... dare I say... well-deserved success here on fanfiction net, I thought I would benevolently write a Q&As for you people. Now...Now... please hold most of your questions, as I am unable to respond to all of your burning questions and desires you have towards me. I might even do a later one, if you are THAT eager.

Even if you have nothing good to say, I relate to criticism on a spiritual level; since such meaningless criticism is a symptom of depression, which as you should know, I have. Seeing your criticism deeply affects me, as I know you must then be a truly broken individual, and you should be learning from me rather than ignorantly blasting art. Perhaps you can think of this chapter, a Q&A, as my pity for those out there.

That's right! Today, I'm honouring you guys in this chapter, by blessing you with answers...if you guys [or ladies ;) ] behave yourselves, I will show you the respect you deserve.

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It was an average, non-canonical day in my household. While on my linux-based phone, protected by Nord VPN [start your free trial today!], I paroled 4Chan. Unintentionally, I suddenly focused on the shower noises in the other room.

Ted was having a shower. Steamy hot vapour poured sacredly out of the dishwasher, spread throughout the kitchen, and into the living room where I was; breathing it all in. But, just as it may begin, so too shall it unfortunately end... The sound of the cycle ending; fans whirling slower and slower from within.

I hear the sensual sound of it opening, letting all the hot air out with the even hotter glass of 100% orange juice. Ted was unsheathed, naked—just as god intended. Drips of water ran down the glass, puddling on the surface below; ceremoniously gracing it with Ted's warmth from their fresh glass body.

...

"Oh hello John... didn't see you there..."

I tear my eyes away from phone screen, to see Ted on the glass table nearby my chair. To see a newly minted glass of 100% orange juice, steaming hot, and with its lower half wrapped in a floral paper towel—irresistible and fruity!

"—Ah"

"As you see... I have finished showering..." Ted paused, glancing at me. "...what's wrong, John? Are you perhaps feeling a little hot as well? You're all red... I would be the same, I suppose, if I were tomato juice right now."

"Tomato... uh..." I was feeling a bit flustered. Could you really blame me? A living situation like this.. it was just too risky...

I swallowed, before finishing my thought out-loud. "Remind me again why I should continue to live here? I mean, don't you feel..."

"Feel what John...?" Ted inquired.

"you know" I blushed. "...a little embarrassed..."

Ted just chucked, in a bubbly sort of way. "Oh John, this is your place... I think you're being a bit childish if you still find liquid distillation too awkward a topic. Besides, I need to have a shower every once in a while. I got all of that musky orange juice smell off of me..."

"...maybe I liked that musky orange juice smell..." I said smally

"Oh... but I think I smell rather pleasant..." Ted whisked seductively, circling its orangey goodness around the inside of the glass.

The fan on the other side of the room, moving casually back and fortieth, started to opportunely blow Ted's aura in my direction. The moment it hit me... I ... well, I don't know... I squirmed in my chair. My phone dropped from my hands. I held on for my life.

It... was... divine... Ted was divine...

I pushed myself back into the chair, pretending to feel irritated. I masked and withhold my desire to cry tears of joy for this auspicious moment in my life. I gulped, before saying:

"...It's fine, I guess..."

"Oh, John..." Ted sighed, disappointed as a father would feel. "if you are aspiring toward my level of being you must be more honest with your feelings. It's the only way to leave such lesser emotions behind. Anger, jealousy, ego... lust... "

"... I understand..." I try to say... calmly...

...

I decided I couldn't handle a situation like this further, I got up to have a shower of my own. Just, you know, not in the dishwasher. The shower-room and all.

Upon entering, the first thing I first was complete, smelling the musky orange juice pulp left behind. Although, the dishwasher was in the kitchen, I merely imagined as if the bathroom was the kitchen. I had to stop myself, however, as to not give Ted—waiting patiently in the other room-any wrong ideas...

"Ew.." I wheeze falsely. "It smells like... you in here..." I weekly protest.

"You know you love it!" Ted responded, juicefully.

Shoot!

...Guess they got me there...

I sigh as I begin my shower. Meanwhile, the glass of orange finally starts the Q&A that was promised in this beginning of the chapter. For real! And all of this set up was perfectly necessary and meaningful... apparently...

"Aw yess..." Ted exclaims, completely satisfied. "A set up like this is the perfect segue to reading 'fan-mail'..." Ted explained, gesturing to the reader the paper letters between us on the table.

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"From OrangeLover69

This isn't a question. I just love this story and find Ted to be a beautiful and inspired character!"

Ted giggled a little bit at that.

"Wow, that is very thoughtful of you to say unprompted and with your real human free-will. I thank you very much."

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"From XxXIcy_Hot_JrXxX:

Do all glasses of orange juice talk? Are they all perfect beings like you? Huge fan of you're work!

p.s. Lov U"

...

"You love me?" Ted sighed. "First of all, the feelings aren't mutual."

...

"Second of all, didn't you read the disclaimer in chapter 2? This isn't a shipping fanfiction! It's not like I am randomly going to be shipped with a random member of the real world, unless of course it is artistically tasteful and the plot of the story demands it... Thirdly, I am above such lustful emotions. I won't even entertain the idea. Lastly, we aren't even the same species...

Listen Icy Hot's son with Xs, I think the gestures charming, but I don't think you realize how impossible it is for me to be with you. It's not me, it's you. Okay?"

...

"Next question..."

I ended the shower, got dressed, only to find out we were in THIS type of chapter. I make my entrance with a proposition.

"Oh, you are doing a Q and A? Can I join in, starting from the next one of course?"

Ted sighed. "Fine... I give you permission. They have been pretty dumb so far..."

"Oh? Like how dumb..." I ask, curiously.

"I ..." Ted stops, only to let the liquids settle down. "I don't want to talk about it..."

I read the next question out-loud.

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"From GamerGuy07..."

Ted sighed. "oh really now. Let me just stop you right there... Is that really the name written?"

"It sure is" I respond.

"Pathetic" Ted commentated. "I mean, really? What an uninspired and unoriginal username! Let me guess, you put '07' To RePrEsEnT yOuR bIrTh-YeAr..."

"What a loser!" I say, only to be silenced by a frustrated Ted.

"Well, I wouldn't say that John..." Ted interrupted. "I mean, it would be rude to merely insult someone despite not knowing that persons situation in life."

"But... you..." I try to defend myself and my poor actions.

"I did nothing wrong." Ted argued. "I have been on the internet long enough and have met many people online as to know exactly the life situation of this individual; probably even more so than GamerGuy07."

Ted sighed. "If you wish to continue the question, go ahead. But make sure to treat everyone fairly and with respect."

With the taste of defeat in my mouth, I carried on with the question:

"I honestly want to know why a glass of orange juice when I would clearly choose a glass of apple juice. I mean, sure orange juice has it's lovers, but apple juice is soooo much better. If I were to write a story about a self insert meeting their superior in the form of a delicious fruity beverage, I would demand that kind of satisfaction in the form of a glass of apple juice. Anyway, I'll be waiting for your answer and hoping you don't suddenly continue on your story with the wrong fruit beverage..."

I writhed at the words presented to me by a supposed fan. Getting to grips with myself, I began expressing anger.

"Listen here, pal!" I shouted, only to be interrupted by a calm Ted.

"Oh John..." Ted interrupted, almost whispering. "Losing your marbles over such a small thing isn't what a righteous intellectual would do..."

I slowly began to loosen my grip on the paper letter in my hands, as the rest of my face became less contorted. "...you're right..." I admit.

"Listen Gamer" Ted begins. "This type of ignorance you have portrayed is immense. Let me correct one bit of pulp fiction that I shall make pulp fact. The line where you said: '...orange juice has it's lovers...' is 100 % wrong juice. You see, not only am I not polygamous, I am also beyond such trivialities as love in general..."

Ted had to pause a little bit. A little orange bit. Before continuing. "Listen Gamer, the truth is that this fanfiction is NOT a shipping fanfiction. There is no romance or anything sexual going on here... at all! You may want such a beautiful creation such as myself to have one [or more ;) ] concubines, or lovers as you may call things like that, but this obsession is getting a little out of hand. I'm just a glass of orange juice."

"...That is all..."

I clapped.

"That was a phenomenal speech. Well done." I responded, nearly in tears.

"Thank you, John" Although I don't need applause from you to know that I did such a good job..."

Continuing on...

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"From RedRat7

To Ted, have you ever considered any kind of relationship with John besides normal platonic roommates? Like, OMG, Ted is sooo cute. Why aren't you too dating?!"

I was a little bother by that one, I had to furiously readjust myself in my chair. I spoke, but didn't have full feeling in my lips. "I mean, that's ridiculous. Me... Ted... in a relationship..."

My sentence lingered in the air for an uncomfortably long time.

"Well RedRat7..." Ted said as they finally touched the stale air with their scrumptious voice. "I'm glad you asked. The answer is obviously no. But...maybe..."

"But maybe... what?" I say, on the edge of my sit anticipating Ted's every movement in the juice.

...

"Well... nevermind..." Ted finished, still hiding something within.

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"From Anime-master2008

To Ted, what is your cup size?"

"Just above 5 1/2 inches tall, top is about 3 3/8 inches, and the base is about 2 1/2 inches. Those are my three sizes" Ted informed.

"WhAt?!" I gasped. "I can't know that... " I lowered my volume considerably. "...isn't that private information?!"

"John, I am a glass of orange juice. Sitting in a glass that you purchased. Also, you are a self insert character, how wouldn't you know something that is to be googled and written down like that?" Ted explained.

"...Oh yeah..."

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"From Anonymous:

To John, on a scale of 1-10 with 0 being ugly and 10 being the best, how would you rate Ted? Also, if you would have Ted dress up in a sexy outfit(s), what would it be?"

I grew unbelievably red. "uh...uh..."

"Go on, John." Ted mocked. "I would like to hear what you have to say on this question..."

"uh..." I muttered quietly to myself, before weakly saying: "...4..."

"Oh hoOo!" Ted continued to pick on me, not that it contained any sharp points. "We know you are lying John. 4/10? Please. We all know exactly what your type is. You always go for value and get fruit juice with a nice ripe six pack. Naked, fresh, and... ready to slurp all the way up!"

"nooo, I...iiii." I stuttered, unable to containment as I sunk further into the reclining chair. No matter how far I went, I would never become invisible to the outside world, despite what I may say happens on reddit.

"...next question please..."

''oh but John, what outfit?"

I cough on air, choking on my own self. "OH GOD...!"

"Please... the outfit? Speak whatever kinky thing may be in your heart, and please, put it on a glass of orange juice for all to see.."

"a cat maid outfit..." I say, defeated by my own desires.

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A/N: Thank you for reading another GREAT chapter. Please leave more questions so I can ignore then, as I continue to write my own in order to satisfy myself.