The rest of the drive was uneventful, if the tense silence could be called that.
Dean drove as if he had a purpose, not as if they were just looking for the next town a state over for them to find someone else to use. Sam didn't bother to offer to drive, his offer gets refused on the best of the day let alone when Dean's in a bad mood.
Finally after what seemed forever Dean brought them to a motel and booked them a room. He caught the keys when Dean tossed them at him and opened it, sighing once they entered the room.
His nose wrinkled slightly at the stale air but he didn't say anything, they've stayed at worse at times. For a moment he thought back to their small corner of hell they had claimed and fought back a smile, remembering how almost homey it could be called.
It was weird to consider hell a home but in all honesty, it was the only stable home he knew. If the ever changing kings and structure of hell could be called stable. But the three of them had had their own space, no one really bothered them and if they did, it was taken care of quickly and easily. At times a hellhound that Sam had gotten fond of would sometimes join them and well…
It was home. As fucked up as weird as that sounded, it was home and it was a majority of his childhood.
Dean remembered a time before, before hell but Sam had been born in hell, it was his beginning and during his late night philosophical internal musings he always knew that it was going to be his end, one way or another.
Dean rubbed at the side of his head and gave a half glare at Sam. "Stop thinking so loud." he told him. "You're giving me a headache."
"Pick one, either I think out loud or I think in my mind." Sam told him. "You'll be affected either way but I'm going to do at least one of them."
"I shouldn't be punished for being linked to you." Dean grumbled. "If you keep me up at night again I'm going to unlink myself."
"You've been threatening me with that for years." Sam said rolling his eyes and then just staring at his brother. "Dean, are you okay?"
Dean opened his mouth and Sam could already hear the lie on his tongue but then he stopped, sghing. "Not really." he said truthfully and quietly, moving to fall into the lone bed. Sam sat on the edge of the bed and watched his brother.
"Talk to me?" Sam offered, giving him an out if he wanted one.
Dean grabbed at the pillow and dragged it to him, burying his face into it. "I'm thinking about...him." he spat out the word, leaning into Sam's touch when he reached out to rub at his back. "And I just...I remember what happened. And I just...I hate it. I hate all of it."
It was never really spoken about, the time that Dean spent on earth during his first three years of life. It was just something that Sam accepted. Dean had spent three years of life on earth and after being betrayed and almost killed had been taken to hell where a couple of months later Sam had been born.
"What do you hate the most about it?" Sam asked, laying down next to his brother, still rubbing at his back.
"I hate remembering how nice it was back then before it changed." Dean said, his voice slightly muffled from the pillow. "Because it was Sammy, it was nice. It was good."
"Was it as good as when we were in hell?" Sam asked, curling around his brother as best as he could.
"Yeah, hell is hell even if its home." Dean said softly, hand coming around him to grasp at Sam's hand. "Maybe it's because we're still kinda human, I don't know."
Sam was quiet for a few moments. "So what do you want to do?"
"I want to finish what we started." Dean told him without hesitation. "I want to do that and I want to kill him."
Sam nodded, moving up enough to be able to kiss the back of his brothers neck, nuzzling at it for a moment. "Then that's exactly what we're going to do." he said softly.
"You don't have any memories of him Sam." Dean said quietly. "So it's easier for you."
"You can't say that, you might think I don't have anything about him but I do." Sam protested. "I have what you said, I have what else was said. It's not nothing."
"But it's not yours." Dean said, turning onto his other side so that he could finally look at Sam. "Its mine."
"You and I are one and the same." Sam said pressing their foreheads together. "Four years means nothing to us, we're each other's halves."
"Sammy." Dean sighed, and whatever he was going to say was cut off when Sam leaned in and kissed him, pressing in close enough to stop him from speaking.
"And if you want." Sam murmured into the kiss. "I can bring John Winchester's heart to you."
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