Magnus Bane was many things: he was a hero, a Warlock, a man of honesty- but he wasn't ashamed. Of anything ever, that is until he laid eyes on the ebony haired cerulean eyed Shadowhunter boy. Alec seemed to go against everything with Magnus, he pushed Magnus past boundaries that Magnus didn't even mind. Magnus had had many loves in the past, he'd never go as far to claim a soul-mate, because rarely did he feel so compelled. Just as all things came, they went as well, and normally nobody stayed with Magnus until the very end. It was a fact Magnus learned to just understand. He couldn't hold onto everything for forever, and that held the same applied rules for Alexander Lightwood. Or so Magnus told himself.

The issue was that Alec had convinced himself that Jace was meant to be his, and that made Magnus only a quick way to get rid of the consuming thoughts. Magnus rolled sideways in his bed, clutching the blanket closer to himself. He'd gotten up, showered, and dressed awhile ago, but he couldn't find the energy to get up and take care of daily matters. He wasn't exactly content lying here thinking of Alec- but it felt better than forcing himself to not think about Alec. At some point he had to face the facts and listen to all his thoughts. Alec believed that he was in love with Jace, but it was unrequited, unnecessary, impossible, and just a far off dream. It was something that couldn't ever come true.It was a fabrication that Alec had conjured up and clung to on a daily basis, it drove Magnus mad.

Part of him screamed to break it off with Alec, he was so interested in Jace that he was basically using Magnus for the moment. But every time Magnus is faced with his azure stare, it breaks his confidence and provides him with pieces of himself he's never seen- and having been alive for over 800 years, that was a surprise to him, he was certain he'd already known all about himself, but he couldn't have been more wrong. Seeing Alec gaze at himself the way he does gives Magnus the reassurance that Alec cares, that maybe Alec doesn't love him and will never love him the way Magnus loves Alec, but Alec still cares. He isn't using Magnus selfishly, and isn't purposely trying to hurt Magnus, he's just lost and confused and conflicted, and Magnus can help him even if it is only momentary.

Chairman Meow purred at the bedside, lifting himself onto his hind legs as he clawed gently at the bedspread. Magnus normally paid much attention to the Chairman when he was alone in the house, but today he still hadn't so much as even stroked the gentle feline, it must've upset the poor cat. "What?" Came Magnus' hoarse reply. "I'm simply sleeping."

Chairman Meow gazed up at his owner with an accusatory glare, sitting back on his haunches and waiting for Magnus to lather him with attention. "Fine. I lied." He huffed slightly, grumbling under his breath. "I was thinking of Alec again." Sitting up, he allows the sheets to tumble off of him, catching around his feet as Chairman leapt up onto his lap. Meowing lightly, he presses and rubs himself against Magnus's chest, begging for a quick scratch on the ear or something. Magnus obliged, lowering his hand absent-mindedly to stroke at the kittens soft head. Again his mind was bombarded with thoughts of Alec, memories reminiscent despite Magnus not wanting them anymore.

Magnus stood before his mirror, eyes narrowed at his form. There was something off, something unattractive and unnatural. Something that made Alec not fall hopelessly in love with him either. Magnus grit his teeth, fingers furling into fists as he glared away from his own reflection. He was a Downworlder, one with hideous catlike eyes. That had to be it, Alec didn't like his eyes. Pained, Magnus forces himself to re-look upon his features. His eyes were now glassed over with fresh unfallen tears, but he stared into them anyways, longing to look like a normal person. 'maybe Alec would love me then' his mind taunted him, filling his heart with unbearable sadness.

He wasn't supposed to fall in love with Alec, its not what Alec was looking for. Alec wouldn't approve if he saw Magnus like this, he'd be furious with him, he might even leave completely, and Magnus couldn't have that. Again he glared into his eyes, his disgusting demons mark. It HAD to be the reason. He always used to enjoy his eyes, he knew for a fact that nobody else had them, but now he was beginning to second guess that. It didn't matter if he looked up spells, he'd never find one to hide his demons mark, aside from a glamour, but that won't work on Alec. He STILL had to see Magnus' ugly curse, no matter what, Magnus couldn't hide that from him. He glared at his reflection, suddenly hating his complexion as well, and his hair, and his shape, features everything. None of him was good enough for Alec, at least that's what he'd planted into his brain. It wasn't confusing as to why Alec didn't love him back, Magnus was hideous, he had an awful personality and those damn eyes. They were the worst, Magnus wondered how upset Alec would be if Magnus just cut them out...

There was a timid knock against the door. "Magnus? Are you okay?" Magnus quickly began wiping away the tears, hissing as he reapplied his make-up and forced a smile. Swinging open the door, he smiles to Alec standing curiously before the door. "I haven't seen you in a few days, when did you arrive?" Alec shifted uneasily on his feet. "Oh, just a few minutes ago. Have you been crying?" Alec reached out to Magnus, but Magnus carelessly swiped his hand away. "It's the makeup honey, sometimes it gets in your eyes. That stuff stings." Eyes, Magnus doubted he'd ever fully accept his own now.

Magnus could recall that day vividly, he'd been so distraught when he'd realized that he was so deeply in love with Alec that he found himself to be painfully inadequate. His gaze swept across the room to the dimly lit bathroom, his eyes snapping away as soon as he saw it to instead gaze out at the living room. He didn't want to remember that painful memory, so instead he allowed himself to succumb to a new memory.

The boy leaned gently against Magnus, face buried in the crook of his neck. Magnus relished in this attention, hands soothingly stroking the frazzled Shadowhunters hair back, and lips pressing gentle yet meaningful kisses to his temple. 'I love you' was choked in the back of Magnus's throat, and it took all his willpower to not speak the words aloud and frighten off the boy. Alec wasn't ready, not yet, he was still conflicted over his feelings of Jace. Instead, Magnus allowed the moment to carry on and proceed in the way Alec had planned it. Alec let out a soft sigh, his breath tickling the nape of Magnus' neck, sending delightful shivers down his spine. "Magnus?"

"Hmm?" Magnus hummed, eyes remaining closed.

"You... I mean- us. Will it..." Alec struggled with his words, a frustrated sigh slipping past his lips as he sought out a way to put it.

"Shh." Magnus hushed the boy, tilting his face up before pressing a gentle kiss to his lips. "Now's not the time, wait until you're ready." Alec looked at him gratefully, placing his head back against Magnus' shoulder. "Thanks." He breathed, but this time Magnus remained silent, fighting his own tongue to not utter out the three words that could make or break a couple.

The memory wound itself around Magnus's trachea, constricting breath. It had taken all from Magnus to not tell him then, the only thing holding him back was fear of losing all of Alec in general. His hand unconsciously had paused in his ministrations to the Chairman, and the kitten huffed and displayed it's discomforts through rowdy meows and gentle urging paws. Magnus, dazed, quickly began petting the cat again, his own catlike eyes gazing out across the room. Again, another memory flooded into Magnus's line of vision.

"Hey Magnus."

Alec entered into the kitchen where Magnus was leaned over a counter eating a small bowl of vanilla flavored yogurt. He poised the spoon before his mouth, a careless smile lifting up his lips at the sight of the young Shadowhunter. "Yes dear?" He drawled, playing the pet-name off as a simple joke rather than a meaningful title. Magnus was good at that, upholding a cool exterior whilst silently dying within. Desperately he wanted to hear the boy refer to him as something other than just 'Magnus' or 'him' or completely disregard a title and just say 'hey' or 'you', but he couldn't complain- Alec wasn't with Magnus for something like that, he was looking for a simple thing to keep his mind off of JACE. It irritated Magnus to think of the blonde boy- how lucky he was to have gained the affections of Alexander Lightwood, only to toss it out like it was meaningless- Jace, Magnus believed, was unworthy of Alec's courting. Magnus quickly placed the spoon in his mouth to hide the scowl as Alec came to rest beside him. Magnus enjoyed seeing Alec simply enter his house without permission, he liked the thought of Alec being overly comfortable with him.

"I was wondering about us again."

"Mmm?" Magnus hummed from around the spoon, averting his eyes. He knew he could speak, act and look like he didn't care- but his eyes would blow everything away, they held too much emotion, and it was too difficult to swallow. "Yeah. I was thinking... You aren't too attached right?" Alec eyed him closely, his gaze lingering on Magnus for far too long in his own taste, normally he wouldn't discern himself when Alec stared, he'd be flattered if anything, but Alec was analyzing him, he was examining every part of him to be sure that in no way was Magnus falling in love with him, even though the sad truth was that he already HAD fallen in love with Alec.

Magnus shrugged carelessly, pulling the spoon from his mouth. "Nah, I'm fine. I've been in many relationships Alexander, this is absolutely no different or any more or less significant than many others. Why-" Magnus trained his gaze on the black clad Shadowhunter. "Do you want to end, whatever this is?" Magnus didn't know what to call it, he'd wanted to refer to Alec as his boyfriend for quite some time now, but Magnus was too afraid he'd scare Alec off again. Instead he patiently awaited Alec's response with baited breath, hopeful that maybe Alec would decline that.

Alec shook his head shortly, abruptly leaning in to place a gentle, chaste kiss against the Warlocks lips. "No." He murmured breathlessly. "No, I don't."

Magnus closed his eyes and allowed his senses to relive that moment the strong scent of ichor had played off of Alec's skin, meshing horribly with the strong scent of vanilla yogurt, but Magnus hadn't cared then and still didn't care now. Having Alec near him, whether he'd just slayed demons- and stunk from their foul smelling blood- or had shown up right after showering, any moment with Alec was deeply appreciated, and every moment was remembered. It's what made this relationship so painful. Magnus doubted that Alec thought of the Warlock more than the perfect blonde parabatai when he reached home. It was selfish of Magnus to want him to though. Alec was already dealing with fearful feelings for one male, Magnus wouldn't want the weight of his true feelings to crush Alec into fleeing. He was a very skittish boy.

A knock on the door drew Magnus out of his comfortable leisure, beckoning him to it. Alec hadn't visited in days now, and Magnus had began to worry, but that couldn't be Alec at the door. Hope brimmed up Magnus's chest and instantly he rushed to seize up the doorknob, tripping over the blankets and then his cat in the process. Never would Magnus allow anyone to see him this clumsy and uncoordinated, it wasn't like him, but the thought of Alec made Magnus fill too highly with a happiness that he knew Alec didn't share in. Righting himself at the door, he brushes his fingers through his soft, silky hair- hair of which he'd refused to put into spikes this morning- and pulled up his cursed black leather jeans, which in hindsight he'd regretted pulling on anyways, before he tugged down his loose hot pink T-shirt with the words 'BITE ME' scrawled along the front in multiple glittery colors. Grasping the doorknob gently, he inhales a sharp breath before pulling it open. Before him stood the very core of all his thoughts, standing nervously all clad in black was Alexander Lightwood. A sluggish smile teased its way up Magnus's lips as he crossed his arms and leaned against the door frame. "You have a key."

Magnus stated by way of greeting as Alec blushed darkly before lowering his head. "Yeah I know. I-I forgot it at home." Magnus' catlike eyes narrowed slightly. By 'forgot' he simply meant 'hid somewhere to convince himself that Magnus hadn't ever given him a key because this wasn't a serious relationship'. Magnus held back his inquiry on the hidden rather than forgotten key and stepped aside to allow Alec in. Alec smiled thankfully before scooting inside nervously. Magnus shut the door gently, fearing that a loud noise might frighten the young Shadowhunter too much, before padding barefoot to the couch. Leaning against the armrest, he smiles lavishly to Alec, fluttering his glitter covered lashes teasingly. "So what brings you to my lovely abode?"

"Lovely abode?" Alec looked awkward, standing over by the door still as he arched a brow at Magnus.

"Okay, magnificent abode." Magnus amended with a sly smirk. Alec shrugged before moving to sit on the opposite side of the couch, leaning his head back and closing his eyes briefly. A pain stricken look crossed over his face, and instantly Magnus wanted to soothe his pains away. Sliding off the arm of the couch, he quickly scoots next to the boy, gingerly placing a hand atop his arm. "Alexander." He whispered, feeling that name held so much more than the simple 'Alec' did. "You can talk if you want, I won't tell anyone anything."

Alec, however, already knew this was true. A perk to seeing a Downworlder was that it didn't matter what they'd say to Shadowhunters, they're words basically held no meaning. But as Alec peeked open his eyes to gaze at the elder male beside him, he couldn't find that way of thinking more wrong even if he tried. Magnus, Alec believed, held more truth and interest behind his words that it would be foolish of a Shadowhunter not to believe him. "It's just Maryse. Ever since she's found out who Jace's-" Alec focused on the wall as Magnus forced himself to relax just at the mention of the blonde Shadowhunters name. "-Real father is. It's making everyone tense, you know. So I went to take a walk, and I wasn't too focused on where I was going and then..." He allowed his voice to trail off, glancing towards Magnus cautiously.

"And then your attraction to me grew far too large to ignore?" Magnus finished for him, a sly smirk spreading across his features.

Alec simply nodded, trying to cover his blush, glancing away again. "I feel stressed at most places... But I don't feel that here."

'Yeah.' Magnus agreed silently. 'Because I'm not pressuring you into returning the feeling or at least acknowledging me as a possibility.' The thought drove Magnus mad, but he wouldn't voice his concerns, not while Alec had come here seeking refuge. Tenderly Magnus stroked his finger along Alec's arm, Alec leaning into the touch as if he hadn't been touched in days. "I know. It's okay. We also don't have to talk about it." Raising a bejeweled hand he cups Alec's chin delicately, and before the boy can protest, he places a simple kiss against his lips. At least he'd intended for just a gentle kiss, but just as he always had, he melted into Alec carelessly, all thoughts breezing out the window.

Magnus was first to breakaway, leaving Alec looking slightly disappointed. 'I love you.' Magnus yearned to say the words again, his eyebrows furrowing in contemplation. Instead he drew the boy against him, allowing Alec to bury his face against Magnus's chest. 'Not now.' He scolded himself. 'Not while he has so much on his mind. Just as I always do, I must bite my tongue and simply hold him.' Alec's arms slithered tightly around Magnus's waist, hands splayed out against his back, and fingers tracing gentle circles over the fabric of his shirt. "Magnus?" He asked, voice nearly muffled by the shirt.

"Yes darling?" Magnus returned, gently placing a kiss against Alec's head as his own arms wrapped around him to draw him closer.

"Thank you." Alec breathed, eyes closing as he slipped into a deep comfort, all tension fleeing his body. Magnus simply smiled, closing his own eyes as well. It didn't matter if Alec wouldn't ever reciprocate, or if those words would always be painfully poised at the tip of his tongue, just having parts of Alec was enough, just being able to love him unconditionally and give that love without pressuring him felt like enough for Magnus. Magnus Bane was many things, and he was certain he'd always be this hopelessly in love with Alexander Lightwood.