Chapter 3 - A Wound Gets Worse
The hot cup of coffee in his hands felt oddly soothing, it's warmth creeping through his body when Harm took a big gulp and swallowed down the bitter fluid. He'd taken it without cream and sugar, needing it as strong as possible to get through his next therapy session. Barely sleeping the night before had made him beyond exhausted as did the thoughts of what Doctor Riley would conjure up today. He had no doubts that the sessions would get tougher as the Doc unraveled more and more of him and he feared the demons that would come to light.
"You look a little tired, Commander." The doctor said when Harm stood, walked across the office and filled his cup from a small machine she had in a corner both for herself and patients.
Harm turned to her and motioned to the machine. "Would you like me to pour you a cup?"
She smiled at his chivalry noting that this man was a different breed of Military. Few clients, if any, offered such a simple act. "Please. Black is fine for me."
"I normally take it with cream and sugar but, I didn't exactly sleep well last night." He placed the the drink on the corner of the doctor's desk and then slid back into the guest chair. "Is it normal for me to feel so wired after a session?"
"Clients have different reactions to the therapy, Commander. If it becomes habitual, I can write you a prescription."
Harm nodded. "I'll take you up on that if it gets out of hand." He studied the cup in his hand for a moment trying to grasp what exactly he'd been feeling after his first therapy session. "I went to the gym after I left here yesterday. Spent a few hours working off… Hell, I don't know what exactly. Stress?"
"Some people do become agitated. Others are exhausted. Therapy is a process and as I said before, military folk tend to bottle things up more. Have you ever seen a therapist before?"
"Once as SOP for a flying mishap." And it was a time that he tried to forget and yet, it always came back to haunt him. The way his eyes just suddenly failed him would always be a constant source of fear when it came to landing. It didn't matter that he'd landed successfully seventy two times since undergoing surgery to correct his vision. Seventy two times - yes, he was counting - his eyes had honed in on the runway as he glided either his biplane or a jet to a stop without incident. There was always a feeling of uncertainty with landing, a secret he kept hidden to himself that he expected to fail, it was a matter of time. "I'm sorry, Doc. What?" He was so lost in thought that he hadn't heard Dr. Riley's question.
"Did it help?"
Harm shook his head. Talking about the incident hadn't done a thing for him merely spun a type of depression until he found another way to serve his country. "No. Not at all."
Dr. Riley made a note on her legal pad and then folded her hands over it. "Not at all? Why not?"
"I got my RIO killed because I couldn't see due to a retinal scarring I didn't know I had. It made the ship hazy. I couldn't focus… Hell, I couldn't see a damned thing. My wings were stripped and the men I served with saw me as a pariah. Therapy kept rehashing old wounds."
"You managed to get your wings back." She motioned at the ribbons on his chest and wondered how that story unfolded.
"When you save the CAG of an aircraft carrier the Navy tends to be a bit more lenient." He said with a grin. Years later he was still in disbelief that he was even allowed inside the cockpit of a Navy jet. It was bittersweet in a way but, his life had been fulfilled. "But, that was after I went to law school and became a JAG… I did go back to flying for a bit after eye surgery but, my career took a hit. I was an older man chasing a younger man's dream." And he had lost Mac as a result as well. He shook his head from that thought and finished his coffee.
"You seem to live an exciting life commander… No wonder you can't sleep."
Harm chuckled. "Yeah well, it didn't help that when I got home last night, with the intention of a shower and collapsing in bed, my coworker was there making me dinner." Although, it hadn't been a bad thing to have Mac there. They were able to hash out a few things, mainly coming to an understanding that she hadn't abandoned him. Something about that soothed his soul and made him feel like an ass all at once. He shouldn't have assumed, should have known better. A woman who traveled halfway around the world, twice, for him wasn't likely to just standby when he needed her the most.
Dr. Riley caught a certain gleam in his eye followed by a grin as the Commander became lost in some sort of recollection. She'd seen that look before, knew it clearly as amourous in nature. The Commander had someone in his life that he cared for deeply. "Your coworker is a female."
His eyes snapped up to hers, forehead furling as he regarded the doctor for a moment. "It's not what you think, Doc. We're friends. Best friends. We've never been...together." He put emphasis on the last word and raised his brows up so that the Doctor could understand his meaning.
"You want to cross that boundary, don't you?"
Yes. "It's complicated." The word caused his mouth to dry out and his throat felt like sand as he tried to swallow. Their complications had caused them enough trouble, putting her squarely in the sights of one Mic Brumby. It had nearly gotten the both of them killed as a result and still, they continued the dance. "I don't want to talk about her. We're not here for that."
The doctor nodded, not wanting to push her patient that suddenly seemed agitated. Instead, she made a note to circle back on the Commander's coworker another time. Instinctively, she knew the woman would come up again. "Yesterday you mentioned your brother was involved with the victim. Tell me a little bit about that."
"Half brother." Harm corrected, shaking his head as he thought of the man back in Russia who he barely had contact with since his departure. "He lives in Russia."
"Half brother? You used that term a lot yesterday. It's rather specific."
"We have different mothers." He offered as he stood to grab yet another cup of coffee. The caffeine was starting to make him jittery as was the conversation. Each and every time he saw Sergie with Lauren, his skin would crawl. Out of all the women in Washington… "My father flew F4s for the Navy and was shot down. He became a POW and was then transferred to Russia where he met a woman that kept him safe. They were together for a few years and uh they… She had my half brother, Sergie."
Dr. Riley couldn't mask the surprise from her face if she tried. "Russia? How did you discover this?"
How indeed? "Years of researching and dealing with shady characters." And a trip that Mac had invited herself on that nearly cost them their lives. "A lot of the details are classified. The CIA was involved, but it's all confirmed to be true." He remembered standing at the clearing staring out to the mist that covered the mountains before them. The Taiga was a mystical place for some and for Harm, it held nothing but sorrow.
He stood by the window of the Doctor's office and looked out to find that rain had begun to fall. Good, it suited his current mood. "We found the woman that he was with. Her name was Pitchta. She and her brother took dad in, cared for him despite his inability to communicate. She named him Tete." Harm swallowed down the lump in his throat and drew a shaky breath over a memory that he tried to keep buried. "Pitchta told us the story which Mac translated; I don't speak a lick of Russian, she is fluent." He didn't want her to follow and I later realized how much he needed her there.
"Your father, is he still alive?"
Harm shook his head. "No. Soldiers tried to rape Pitchta, my father saved her only to be shot and killed… Pitchta's brother buried him and the soldiers out in the mountains but, she never knew where exactly. My father is still out there in an unmarked grave that I can never visit." He felt the tears streaming down his cheeks, falling unchecked. Angrily, Harm brushed them away and angled his body so that the doctor could not see him cry. "I'm sorry, I was over it… I thought I was." He heaved a heavy sigh and took a moment or two to compose himself and carefully he returned back to his seat with another cup of coffee in his hand.
The Doctor slid a box of tissues his way and gave him an understanding smile when his eyes met hers. "It's alright to cry, Commander. You're safe here." She smiled at him reassuringly when Harm leaned forward and took a few tissues to clean his nose. "Did you ever see anyone about that experience?"
"A shrink?" When she nodded, he shook his head. "No. I talked to Mac about it but, then she was there, she understood what I was going through."
Aha, Dr. Riley thought and managed to conceal her knowing smirk. Mac was clearly the coworker he was reluctant to speak about. "I take it Mac is rather special to you?"
Special? That was one way to describe the single most important person in his life. "We've been working together for seven years. Been partners, adversaries…"
"And she went with you to Russia."
Harm rolled his eyes at the implicating tone the doctor used. "She wanted to make sure I didn't get into trouble and nearly got killed as a result because she followed my stupid ideas. Suggested a few of her own if I recall." Like him stealing and flying a MIG. Mac hadn't stopped him, in fact, it had been her plan to steal the plane. "Look Doc, I really don't want to talk about Mac. She had nothing to do with me getting arrested."
The doctor nodded in understanding knowing the woman would likely be recalled at another time. "So back to your half brother. Pitchta, how did it feel when she told you about your brother…"
"No." He interrupted, bringing one hand up to stop the doctors thought processes. "I didn't know about Sergie for two years. A JAG assignment took me back to Russia, I found out then I had a half-brother."
"Again, I'll ask, why do you call him that? Half brother?."
Harm furled his brow and shrugged. What else would one call a sibling that wasn't shared by both parents? "Because it's what he is? We don't have the same mother." Only he didn't notice the inflection of his voice or the fact that his eyes had grown darker and expressive hiding the pain he hadn't wanted to quantify.
"And that bothers you."
"No!" Harm practically yelled out and his hand squeezed the now empty cup of coffee, crumbling the styrofoam. He looked at the remnants in his hand, frowning at his outburst which was relatively uncharacteristic. He took a breath and then another. It did matter to him, a lot. "It does bother me and I am afraid it always will."
"Why does having a brother make you feel that way? Certainly, you'd be happy to have some piece of your father in your life?"
Harm pulled his wallet out of his breast pocket and carefully produced the worn, laminated picture of a little boy sitting in the cockpit of a jet with a man that looked much like him. He presented the picture to Doctor Riley. "I was five when we took this...My dad meant everything in the world to me, everything. I wanted to be like him. Hell, I wanted to be him.… and… and." He took the picture from the doctor and stared at it, although every grain had been singed into his memory. "He betrayed her, my mother, the supposed love of his life. He betrayed her with someone else."
Dr. Riley stood then and made her way around the desk, settling into the chair right next to the Commander. "He was MIA, likely never to go home again. Isn't that a bit judgemental?"
"Judgemental?" He snorted and rolled his eyes. The crux of the matter weighed heavily on him as if it were his cross to bear. "It would be judgemental if it was his first time but, it wasn't."
"He cheated on your mother?"
He gritted his teeth and stood unable to stop himself from pacing the office. Harm tried to bite down the anger he felt, to put a clamp on his swirling emotions but, it as impossible. "Christmas eve, 1969 there was a USO troupe on board the Hornet while it was on deployment. They were sent to entertain the men, improve morale. Dad met a singer, Jenny Lake."
"I know of her, have a few of her albums. Very talented."
Harm had always enjoyed the records until the night at the Wall when a mysterious woman told him about his father. He hadn't been able to listen to her music since. "Her husband had died days before, shot down. She was vulnerable and they…" At first, he couldn't believe the story that Jenny had spun him but, the look in her eyes told him the words that she couldn't. "He missed mom. Jenny missed her husband… they were both vulnerable, I guess."
"How do you know this happened?"
"Because I met Jenny Lake. I visit the Vietnam wall every Christmas eve. She was there a few years ago, told me the story…Left out the gory details." He said with a snort and continued to wear a hole in the office carpet. "It was clear they..that he...we're intimate." He took a breath and scrubbed his hands over his face. "I love my father, but I can't forgive him for that.. I can't forgive him for being unfaithful to my mother…Twice." He understood the relationship with Pitchta, quantified it to being held for an immeasurable time in a war torn country but, Jenny Lake was a tough pill to swallow.
"Why do you resent your brother?" The doctor asked suddenly, voicing a truth that Harm hadn't wanted to admit to himself. When he turned and faced her, Dr. Riley knew she had gotten to the bottom of another emotion the Commander was hiding away.
"Sergie got to spend more time with him…I had five years… Five years, most of which he was on deployment for. He was on a fucking ship rather that with me and mom." And that had been the reason why Harm couldn't settle down with anyone. He lived for the deployments and the hours spent in a cockpit - that wasn't a place for a husband or family man to be. In a way, he envied people like Luke Pendry that seemed to make it work until it didn't.
"He sent her letter tapes that I used to listen to for hours and hours. Dad would talk about his day on the ship and profess his love for us... And then he cheats on her. I couldn't do that to someone I love." He wasn't that kind of man although he once had a girl in practically every port. There was no commitment between him and anyone else, even Diane. "I love my father, I do but…"
"But?"
"Sometimes I wonder what would happen if he came back? If he really loved us at all." It was something he hadn't wondered until that talk with Jenny Lake and the subsequent knowledge that he had a little brother. Clearly, Harm Sr. would no longer have a place in Trish's life - she was madly in love with Frank and Harm suspected she loved the man as much as she did his father.
"I don't want to hate Sergie, I don't… None of that was his fault but.." He hated feeling like this over the younger man whose only crime was being born. "Yes, I resent him. I resent him for spending time with dad. I resent him for not trying to stay in America even though I tried so hard to keep him here... If he didn't come into my life I wouldn't have wound up in the brig."
"Last session you said the victim and your brother were involved romantically and then she was pregnant, but the baby was not his. This bothered you?"
Bothered? No, it was the lie of omission that Singer enjoyed torturing him with. "I was in the brig because I believed another fatherless Rabb would come into the World. I wanted to prevent that. I had to. Lauren wasn't fit to be a mother, especially not to a kid that had my dad's blood in their veins." So, he'd gone off the deep end to the point that Harm nearly lost himself in the process of investigation. God, he really did look guilty as sin. "Mac always warns me that I run on emotions that get me into trouble and she's right." Mac had pegged him from the start.
Dr. Riley stood when the timer went off and rounded the desk to shut off the tiny clock. "Let's end here."
After the session it took awhile for Harm to pull his Corvette out of the parking lot. He simply sat behind the wheel, staring at the hospital building and trying to sort the warring thoughts in his head. He wanted so much to be just like Harmon Rabb Senior and the truth was, he didn't, not anymore. Without much thought, he put his vehicle into gear. Seemingly out of its own volition, it traveled down the road towards Georgetown.
