Chapter 5 - Dusty Words

"How are you today, Commander?" Doctor Riley noticed a change in her patient that day, although it was clear by the dark circles under his eyes that Harm wasn't sleeping well, he seemed much more relaxed, happy even.

The Commander was holding a cup of coffee in his hand, thoughts drifting someplace else or rather, to someone else. He hadn't heard the doctor's question because his mind was still hyper focused on Mac and mainly her lips. She tasted sweet like honey and something uniquely Sarah MacKenzie. Although the kiss was rather chaste in nature, it had fueled another sleepless night. The little bits and pieces when he had slept were filled with dreams of them… together.

He was curiously wondering what it would feel like to lose control and give into the desire he'd clamped down on for years. And it wasn't just a desire, it was profound and the thought of his feelings for her being that intense scared him a little. Why couldn't things just be easy between them for once? Just when he thought they were making headway after the JAG-A-Thon, their World quaked and shifted. For a time it seemed like Chegwidden was vehement on keeping them apart, having Mac serve on the bench for weeks at a time while he was sent TAD after TAD.

They had become estranged somewhat only he hadn't noticed it until now. Why hadn't he seen it then? Harm frowned at the thought and sighed. Damnit did they like to complicate things. "Commander?"

A firm use of his rank made him remember where he was and more importantly, why he was there. The spacing out would likely lose him a point or two as did the confused expression he offered Dr. Riley as his mind brought him back to the present. "I ah… sorry Doc. I don't normally space out like that...I ah, heh. I guess it's just the lack of sleep."

The doctor made a note in his opened file and nodded. "You seem more relaxed today despite the sleep deprivation."

"Some things seem to be looking up." He admitted with a grin.

"Let me guess, a girl?"

Harm's grin became his full wattage flyboy smile. "Something like that… I hope… We're a bit complicated." He offered by way of explanation but the smile was still in place.

"Let's see." Dr. Riley took a quick glance at the previous notes and tried to get him back on track. "Do you believe you run on emotions?"

"Mac does."

Dr. Riley smiled when his eyes lit up just mentioning his partner. Ah. She thought, so that's the girl. "Do you believe that?"

Harm took a sip of his coffee, swallowing slowly as he thought about her question. Emotions had no place in a pilot or lawyer's life - it would only serve to get him killed or destroy his case. Although there had been times when things got a bit personal, his innate need to protect Darlynn and even Roscoe Martin. And there was Russia when clues had fueled an adrenaline he'd never experienced before. "Don't we all run on them from time to time?"

"But, we're here to talk about you, Commander. Do you believe you run on emotions?"

Yes. Because a rational person wouldn't have almost gotten the woman he loved killed because of his fixations. "At times, I guess."

"Give me an example."

"Russia." The word slipped out without him wanting to. It was always a source of resentment, anger and hurt. Memories that he could never escape from lived there as did the pain that he failed his father.

'You're being driven by emotions and those emotions are gonna get us killed.'Mac's words would haunt him for many nights after their fruitless return to the States so many years go.

She had been right, of course. He'd been a live wire risking his life and hers to find the truth about his father. What shamed him was knowing he would have left Mac behind, alone, if she hadn't wanted to continue his quest. Such was his obsession that risking it all did not matter only finding the truth.

"I think I told you that my partner was with me when I found out the truth about my father?" At the doctor's nod, Harm continued. "My CO thought it vest that I had back up, just in case so Mac barged in on my trip and was nearly killed because of me." He thought back to their MIG and the missiles that they barely managed to evade until they had to eject. "I was obsessed by this need to find my dad that I failed to remember it wasn't her father. She had no need to be there except to support a friend. It was my self imposed assignment that I'd been emotionally invested in since I was a kid. And I failed him… I nearly failed her too."

Dr. Riley stared at her client noting a fresh wave of tears that fell from the Commander's eyes. He didn't brush them away simply looked down as of the answers were in his cup of coffee. "You didn't fail your father, Commander. None of that was your fault."

And suddenly, he was five year old Little Harm, watching a government car drive up to their home and the two men that made his mommy cry. He would be the man of the house now and once he was old enough, he would find his dad. "When I was sixteen, I ran away from home. Stole money from my step dad who is quite wealthy and went off, on my own, to Vietnam."

"You went to search for your father?"

"Yes." And found more than what he bargained for. "I hooked up with a man named Striker that claimed to know where to find POWs. I got my first taste of blood and war." And it was nothing like playing cops and robbers with friends at school. It was visceral. terrifying and robbed Harm of his innocence. Striker used him and Harm was too young and stupid to know better. "I wasn't playing soldier anymore. It was real life with real consequences."

Dr. Riley could only stare at Harm, riveted by a story that sounded like something out of a movie. It occurred to her how deeply rooted some of his emotional uncertainty ran. "You didn't find your father."

"No. But, Striker kept lying to me, pushing me to help him continue the search. Turns out he was scamming military families and I was his pawn."

"Your emotions were manipulated. That isn't your fault, Commander. You were a kid who missed his father."

His emotions had played a role, a major one I keeping him with Striker despite not finding his father. It was also the hope that something was missed, that the next investigation in Laos would hold some kind of clue. Then, he met Jym and young love would flourish. "Ah...there was a girl, a local that I, we." He stammered and then stood, walking to a wastebasket in the corner where he dropped the empty cup of coffee. "I lost my innocence then."

"Your first love?"

Harm shrugged. "However in love a sixteen year old kid could be. She followed us, followed me because I foolishly believed I was invincible, that I could keep her safe. Loatian patrol killed Jym and her mother right in front of me. There wasn't a thing I could do about it. Striker got me out."

"Her death was not your fault, Commander." She said sternly, "It wasn't something you could control."

Control. The word made him turn then to the doctor. "No, I couldn't." And it was then that he took a tighter rein in his life, living from one controllable situation to another. It was an illusion he created.

"Control is important to you."

"I'm a fighter pilot. You lose control in that world and you die. As a lawyer, you lose control and destroy lives." It was an affirmation, a belief that he had lived on. The only person to ever shake that veiled semblance of control was Mac.

"Is that why you feel guilty about your murdered coworker? Her death was out of your control?"

Harm glared at the doctor, brows furled in confusion. Singer's death came out of left field an act that could have only been prevented by her and her alone. "I don't feel guilty." He came back to his seat and settled in with a huff. "Her death had nothing to do with me."

"Then why were you in the brig?" She asked pointedly and when Harm hesitated, Dr. Riley continued to probe. "NCIS found your cover at the scene but, there's more isn't there?"

There was because he'd lost control and even acted guilty. "I was investigating her. Even got a coworker to help when the Lieutenant refused to tell me the paternity of her child."

"And you feel guilty over that?"

"I feel guilty that I was never a friend to her." He shook his head and thought back to every dirty little trick the woman had tried including the way she'd gone after Harriet on the stand in the most unethical way possible. "She made it too damn difficult. I swear it, she loved to see us squirm. Keeping the child's father a secret, it was like a game, a way to see me break."

"You had no control over it." Dr. Riley said and noted how a sort of veil seemed to lift from the Commander.

'You don't need that lifeline anymore, let it go before it becomes a noose.' He recalled Mac's words during her engagement party and a discussion about the same subject was afoot. It made him suddenly begin to breathe heavily. "Mac was right. I do run on emotions."

"Did Mac know you were investigating?" She wondered just how tightly he held onto his precious control and if the Commander even realized how easily it could slip.

"No."

"Why? She seems to be very important to you."

Harm frowned. He should have told her back on the Seahawk when the two of them had initially investigated the pregnancy. They were in a good place then, closer than ever to a point that he believed they would soon figure things out. "I was embarrassed. The Lieutenant was always a thorn in our side, specifically she liked to see Mac suffer and even planted information once to damage a case… I couldn't prove it but I knew what she had done… It embarrassed me to know that woman was possibly carrying my brothers child."

"Were you afraid Mac would treat you differently?"

"I don't know what she would have done. More than likely chewed my six out for being an idiot."

"As your friend wouldn't she have been supportive?"

Would she? Harm wasn't sure. "She would have tried to get me to stop obsessing more than likely… Mac's rational that way me, I can run on emotions and…" He trailed off grinning at the final sense of awareness that he felt, the breakthrough. "I said that outloud didn't I?"

"Fraid so, Commander." Dr. Riley returned the grin.

After therapy, Harm found himself driving towards Blacksburg as the need to fly Sarah burned deep in his veins. It would offer his own brand of therapy and a way to make sense of a life he thought was under control.

He missed a call from Mac while he was flying and his attempts to return her call was met with a busy signal. He considered driving to her apartment despite the late hour he would arrive in Washington until another call came through. Chegwidden was ordering him back to work ASAP.

Harm smiled at the news. He would see Mac in the morning.