Thanks for the reviews on this one. I've been enjoying writing it. This part is a little funny and a litle angsty and a little sexy… there's a little of everything. I know some don't like my portrayal of Harm in this one, I get it… but, I see it as a strong man who is coming to grips with things he never did before.
One of the sad facts of JAG is that they would toss in some back story and then gloss it over, much like S10 with 4% Solution and Mac, who was clearly going through some serious PTSD. It wasn't quite mentioned and they should have brought up in a multi episode arc instead of turning her into an irrational bitch.
Now, why this story kicked off was a discussion I had with a doctor and how past events can subconsciously damage a person because you never came to terms with it. I believe, in a way Harm sabotages his relationships because, subconsciously, he doesn't know how to be happy.
Mac needs the action and the words, a product of someone she was supposed to love (mom/dad) leaving her/abusing her.
They are both very flawed which is why they are sooo damned good together. When she falls, he picks her up. When he falls, she picks him up… sooo…
Oh, sorry about some typos. I write on my phone these days and well… yeah.. You get it.
Enjoy!
Chapter 7 - Taken All My Dreams
It was much too late for Harm to be banging down her door again but, there he was just after midnight. He couldn't help himself. Once Mac had left with the bubblehead, Harm tried to bury himself in work, reviewing files, sorting them in neat, organized piles. There were cases four and five years old where he'd been partnered with Mac. Those were the ones he looked at closely only to find it forced memories into his head - details he hadn't really noticed were filed into his memory bank for future introspection.
Minutiae of his favorite Marine like the shade of lipstick she wore or a particular comment veiled with innuendo. There were cases from what seemed to be eons ago, when they both were single and seemed to spend endless time together - never moving past the boundary of friendship for reasons he couldn't comprehend.
It was the last file on his desk, the bottom of the stack that got him moving - his murder trial, the one where Chegwidden had given his defense to Carolyn Imes. He had hopes that his case would resolve without much fanfare but, as the days passed and the strikes against him grew, his defense wavered.
Mac had come to his aid, leaving her her high paying gig to save him. They battled as they usually did until she provided an impassioned plan that would solidify his innocence. He loved her then, although it didn't register just how much, how hard he'd eventually fall.
"Harm?" She was wearing a red silk kimono cinched at the waist that dropped just below mid thigh. No cowboy pajamas or the silky midnight blue ones he'd caught her in once. Whatever she wore under the kimono was either very short or maybe she was naked under the silk?
The later concept made Harm seethe as he barged into her apartment, eyes searching for signs that the submariner had followed her home. With the way that idiotic bubblehead had fawned all over Mac at headquarters, Harm was certain he would try to get into her pants. Nothing was out of place, there were no tell-tale signs of another person occupying space. "You're alone?"
Mac stared at him quizzically until his assumption sunk in and her reaction was an icy glare. How dare he assume she was sleeping with someone? And if she were, how was that his business? "You know? These late night visits are getting old."
"Are you dating him?" Harm asked so suddenly it made him wince at how accusatory his tone sounded. Her glare only intensified to that patented MacKenzie irritation he'd been on the receiving end of one time too many. Only, this time, he wasn't trying to push her buttons, he just needed to know if there was another player in there game, another man vying for her affections.
She raised a brow as her arms folded across her chest. "Him who?"
"Oh, c'mon Mac!" Harm yelled, tossing his hands up in the air. "You know who, Josh!" No, that wasn't right, the name did start with a 'J' so he spit out the first thing that came to mind. "Jeremy!"
Also wrong. "Jim?" When Mac stared at him as if he'd lost his mind, Harm decided to clarify waving his hand at her as he spoke. "Whatever the hell that bubblehead's name was!"
"Jim?" She managed to suppress a laugh. "You mean Jake?"
Like it mattered? "Yeah that guy."
Mac heaved a sigh, it was far too late for them to engage in his jealousy game. "Harm..."
"I don't want you dating him." He said with finality, in the most demanding tone. "In fact, I don't want you seeing anyone. I don't want you dating anyone." He was pacing now, moving back and forth like a caged jungle cat. And then he came to a stop in front of her.
"Harm…"
Had the other man stolen a kiss? Harm now regretted choosing duty over a few hours in her company. Images of her and Mic tortured him, the other mistake he could have prevented if he only told her how he felt. "Please don't tell me you kissed him?" He asked with a pained expression.
Mac pinched the bridge of her nose as the interaction was starting to get a headache. "Kiss who? Jake?"
"Isn't it Josh?"
"No, it's Jake." But, Harm didn't hear her as he resumed his pacing, something that was beginning to trouble Mac. This wasn't like him, the crazy outburst, the restlessness. Just how much did the brig affect him so that he was so out of sorts?. "Harm, stop. You're starting to worry me."
"You did kiss Jim didn't you?" He stopped in front of her with an accusatory glare which caused Mac to take a few steps back.
"Now you're doing that on purpose. His name is Jake. And no I haven't… Well, there was that time in college."
When she grinned sheepishly, Harm's exasperation hit a new level. "You dated him?!"
Mac shrugged, honestly not seeing what was bothering him so much about the submariner. The man would never hold a candle to Harm, no man could. "Yes, if you must know. Back when I was studying law. It never worked out and isn't going to either." She placed a hand on his forearm, instantly feeling that electric tingle when they touched. "Harm, look at me." When his eyes raised to hers, Mac held his gaze steady, hoping he would understand. "I'm not interested in Jake."
"Oh." Her words sank in, making him feel like an erratically jealous fool. He tore his gaze away, glancing around as if realizing for the first time that he barged into her home without invitation. "Tonight you went on a date with him."
"Dinner, not a date. I made it abundantly clear that I wasn't interested in him that way. I may have smacked him when he tried to cop a feel."
Now that set Harm off, his mind conjuring up images of him pummeling Knox into the ground. "He did what? Sonofa…" Her hand on his forearm tightened and released several times tempering his rage.
"I handled it.. You don't mess with a Marine."
"So you're not dating Joel?" Harm grinned as he purposely said the wrong name, amused when she smacked his shoulder playfully. He missed that smile of hers, the sweet one when Mac tried to mask a faux irritation over his antics.
"No, I am not dating him."
"Good cuz I really don't want you dating or seeing anyone else." Harm moved in closer drawn like a magnet, until Mac was just inches away from him. He could feel the heat of her body radiating towards him and the curiosity of what, if anything, was under that kimono awakened his desire for her.
"You've already pointed that out." Mac's hands came to her hips as she stared up at him definitely, daring Harm to make some sort of move. His head dipped slowly down to hers, enough that all she had to do was lean in to kiss him. Instead, her hands came up to his chest, holding him steadfast as she sought to find clarity in his words. "So if I can't do any of these things I'm going to have a really really boring life."
"I know you won't."
"Why? How?"
His hands wrapped around her wrists, fingers brushing over the pulse points of the most delicate skin. Harm pulled her hands off him, covering whatever space was left between them, stopping just short when all he wanted was to kiss her. "Because I...You can do all those things.. with me." Studiously he took in the look on her face, tilted up, lips parted just enough in anticipation for that kiss. Her eyes were almost closed, mere slivers of darkened amber peaked through.
She wanted his touch, his kiss. "Harm, kiss me." She pleaded, breathing the softest of happy sighs when his mouth claimed hers.
Harm pressed his lips against hers gently and when her mouth moved under his, he deepened the kiss. Why did a simple kiss have to feel so intimate and erotic? He wondered, when his tongue slipped past her lips and meshed with her own.
She melted into him, hands grabbing his uniform in order to hold herself upright when the need to breathe almost had her topple over. And then he stopped, when one of her hands drifted low, grazing each button of his dress blouse, stopping just above his belt buckle. "Harm?" Mac questioned, when he pressed his forehead against hers and closed his eyes.
It was over far too quickly. "Mac, I…" Harm sighed, hoping to say the words that had eluded him in regards to her, finding that they would fail him again. What was it about her that turned him into an emotional wreck? He had all the words in the World to sway even the hardest of jury's but, with Mac he always fumbled, always screwed up. Always. Which is why it was easier to keep his distance, to not feel so much. "I...ah...damnit." Frustrated he pulled away cursing inwardly for the sudden act of cowardice.
"Harm? What's wrong?" He was shaking, balling his hands into fists and wouldn't look her in the eye. There was an instant disconnect like a line that had been severed and yet, her lips still tingled, her body was still heated. Confused, she watched him move away, plopping onto her sofa and dejectedly scrubbing a hand over his face. "What just happened?" She wondered out loud.
"Why is it that I can't talk to you? You know everything about me, my best friend. But…" Harm wouldn't look at her, he couldn't out of fear that she would read the wrong message in his eyes. Instead, he took an interest in his hands, running a finger over the etching on his Annapolis ring. "When it comes to my feelings for you I don't know where to start."
She settled on her coffee table and reached out to place a palm against his cheek, raising his face so that her eyes could meet her own. They took on a storm tossed hue, an indication that he was either upset or conflicted. What the hell had the brig done to him? Maybe she should have tried harder to see him, to let him know that she hadn't abandoned him, never would. "Just tell me."
"I can't."
"Why?"
He pressed a hand against hers, swallowing hard as he tried to figure out the words to say. It felt silly even to himself, the fear that consumed him when he thought about a real relationship with Mac. "I'm afraid I'll say something wrong and you'll hate me."
Sadly, she sighed at his admission. Despite the animosity between them at times, the confusion, the hurt, she could never hate him. He meant too much to her, she felt too much for him. "Oh Harm, I could never hate you. I've been upset with you but, hate is a very strong word that I don't use too often."
'What I want the most, Mac is to never lose you.'
'I promise you, no matter what happens, you won't lose me.'
Harm pulled her hand away from his face and thought about the past, that night on the Admiral's porch and the undeniable fact that she was willing to marry another man because he couldn't be what she wanted "What if I lose you? I almost lost you once."
"Harm, stop this, please."
"I don't know how to state my intentions, I don't think I ever will."
His eyes had darkened and Mac knew the exact moment the conversation was over. He was pulling away, changing tack and keeping her at arms length. The dance was on again - two steps forward and one hundred back - complicating something that could be so easy. Mac hoped to draw him back in, to admit what she felt in her heart was the truth - he loved her, just as much as she loved him. "What are your intentions?"
"I don't know." He stood and moved around Mac, retreating towards her door. A voice inside was screaming for him to stop, telling him to take Mac in his arms and never let her go. It was at war with another voice, the one that told him that things could never work out between them, he only brings heartache to the ones he loves. "I have to go. I need to figure a few things out."
"Stay. Please stay." Mac's voice sounded fragile even to herself, betraying the brave face she'd put up when he pulled away from her. "I'm tired of waiting."
"I'm sorry." With those final words, he walked out of her door again.
The infinite times she'd cried to sleep over him played out in her mind. Along with her sense of timing often came the impeccable memories of select events in her life. Why she chose to recall those loneliness when she was heartbroken and pining for a love that didn't want her, Mac was never sure. But, each time, far too many to count, played like a cheap movie.
One thing was for sure, she was done crying over Harmon Rabb, Junior. And yet, when her head hit the pillow, she cried for him anyway.
