I do love this little story... Mac gets a little pay back...;-)

Chapter 9 - Lose Your Doubt

It felt very wrong to step into his home unannounced but she was seething - pissed. Beyond, pissed. She also hadn't slept after he left her apartment and although Mac had become an expert in concealing her grief with make-up, there wasn't any foundation in the World to hide her disastrous night.

Tears wouldn't seem to stop falling and an abundant agony settled deep within her. Oh, she'd cried over him before, too many times to really count but, there was something different this time, a deep rooted sense that she was losing him for good. He was so erratic, so hurt and confused. But, then he kissed her too, an act that would have meant something if Harm hadn't just as quickly erected those walls of his.

And dammit, why did he have to kiss her so… completely? The man was good at it too - she knew as much from that night on the Admiral's porch, but last night would have made it so easy for them to let go. Yet, he pushed her away, again. He was always pushing her away and Mac was sick of it.

She played a part as well, running away when it seemed he was finally willing to talk and admit things. But then, nothing. They hit the reset button for the third time in their relationship with similar results - nothing. She couldn't take it anymore.

Stepping into the bullpen that morning had been a chore. She'd been downright crass and flippant, annoyed with everything and everyone that crossed her path. It didn't quite help that his office was still dark and empty, devoid of the telltale signs that Harm ever returned save for the stack of files neatly piled on his desk. Not that she wanted him there anyway.

Mac made it halfway through the day when a searing migraine forced her to secure early. She was hoping to change into comfy pajamas and sink into her couch with a mindless movie and a comforting mug of hot chocolate.

Her car had other ideas and somehow wound up across town, slightly North of Union Station parked in front of his apartment building. Her heels carried her up the steps to his apartment, cursing the fact that his stupid elevator never worked, another detail adding to Mac's foul mood.

Finally, when Mac's fist was poised to knock on his metal door the migraine gave away to pure, unadulterated anger.

She was angry at him, at herself and this stupid situation that seemed to have no resolution. She was tired of pining for him, hurting for a love that would never be hers. She felt like a fool, a lovesick idiot to his every word.

Mac knocked on his door, cursing when it went unanswered. "Jerk." She probably shouldn't have used her key and yet did anyway, stepping inside to find Harm scrubbing his kitchen counter, the acrid smell of chemicals faintly lingering in the air despite his open windows.

He was wearing only an undershirt that had more stains on it than clean areas - clearly one that he used for manual labor, like oil changes and other "manly" things. When he glanced up at her, Mac noted a dark smudge on his left cheek and a confused pair of sea green eyes.

Music was blaring from his radio, a fact she hadn't noticed until she began to yell at him without its desired effect. Her angry "Damnit!" was muffled by some unfamiliar rock song and angrily, Mac stomped across the room, turned the music off and then whirled at him. "Listen to me you, silly, pigheaded, infuriating man… You can't come to my place at ungodly hours spouting some nonsense and then kiss me senseless only to leave."

"Mac…"

"No, Harm." She would have laughed at his Rabb-in-the-headlights look if she wasn't still so upset. Instead, she walked swiftly across the apartment, rounding the kitchen island. "You're not the only one hurting, you know?!"

"Mac… I…"

She came toe to toe with him, jabbing a finger into his chest painfully. "You can't corner that market because I've been there, I'm still there."

"Woah… power down, Marine." Harm visibly winced when the words came out, noting that the fire in her eyes burned that much more out of control; he merely added kindle to it. Her eyes widened, her jaw tensed and he knew he was in for a tongue lashing. "Mac…"

"I'm not gonna power down, Commander!" She spat at him and then took a deep breath. "I've accepted that, maybe, you can't come to terms with your emotions. But, how dare you presume that I would hate you or that I would leave you? I went to the ends of the Earth for you and would do it again just to make sure you're safe."

"Mac, I know.. I just…"

"You weren't the one left behind! I was… Me… And I wouldn't do that to you."

"Mac… Listen." He placed his hands on her shoulders, trying to stop her tirade so he could have a shot in explaining himself. Instead, she shrugged out of his hold and moved towards him again, backing him into one of the cabinets.

"No, Harm… You listen to me." And then, that tough posture softened, the Marine giving way to the woman he desired so much. There was a look in her eyes of determination and love, just as her walls came down.

"I'm in love with you." The words came out in a rush, too rushed. So Mac took a breath and repeated them again slowly. "I'm in love with you and I'm never gonna stop loving you." Her hand came up to his cheek, brushing away the smudge with her fingertips. "I tried to forget what I felt for you once. But, it's impossible to let you go."

When he stood there, mouth agape, eyes dark and unreadable, Mac sighed. "If you can't deal with that, fine, but then you have to let me go and let move on with my life."

"You love me?"

"With all my heart." She admitted, unable to stop the solitary tear that fell which he brushed away with the pad of this thumb. Mac noticed it then, his bandaged left hand and the coppery smudge on gauze that signified he'd been bleeding. "What happened to your hand?"

Harm tried to pull away when she clamped down on his wrist and began to unravel his piss poor bandaging. "I rather not say. Oww!" He yelped when Mac shoved his now uncovered hand under the faucet.

"You need to clean it." Gingerly, she rinsed the blood off, using her fingers to lightly rub off the bits that had dried. Mac lathered dish soap onto her fingers and ran them carefully over the cut at his palm and the back of his hand. After rinsing, she turned off the water, ran a fingertip over his injuries and then brought his hand up to study each and every digit. "It's not broken." She said, satisfied that Harm wasn't in need of a hospital.

Harm was eyeing her carefully, the way her tongue darted out in concentration as she tasked herself in caring for him. The cute way she scowled when her fingers moved over each cut. She was incredibly tender, a stark contrast to the woman who barged into his apartment with murderous intent. "Where's your first aid kit?"

"In the head. Under the sink" And then she was pulling him across the loft, up the steps to his bedroom and towards the bathroom. Harm decided not to argue, simply followed her lead even when she instructed him to sit on the closed toilet.

His eyes skimmed her long legs and the way her skirt came up to mid thigh when Mac squatted down to dig out the kit. Even in uniform, Mac was gorgeous. The well tailored Marine greens showed off her curves and the modest pumps defined her legs and calves. More than once he fantasized about those legs wrapped around his waist as they made love. He wondered how his name would sound uttered from her kissable lips while in the throes of passion.

Harm shifted uncomfortably when she kneeled in front of him and took his injured hand, producing a tube of triple antibiotic that she slathered over the cuts. "You have wonderful bedside manners, Marine." He said in a bedroom voice that was entirely too husky given their current situation.

"I have an even better right hook." The iciness was back in her voice although she wasn't yelling anymore. "How did this happen?" She asked, replacing the cap on the tube and then fishing out a roll of gauze and tape.

"It's stupid." Embarrassing actually for a fighter pilot with razor skills to be attacked by the Corvette's door. After his last therapy session, Harm was a little too wired and a lot distracted, his hand was in the wrong place at the wrong time. "I sorta slammed my own hand on the car door."

Harm was prepared for a snide comment, a joke at his expense. Instead she rolled his eyes at him and proceeded to smooth the gauze over his hand anchoring the edges with tape. "I've been on the receiving end of that. Thankfully it was just a finger." Satisfied with her work, Mac raised his hand to her lips and pressed a soft kiss on his knuckles. "There, all better."

"Thank you." His eyes fastened to hers in one of their infamous silent conversations only to have her turn away. "Why did you come here, Mac?"

"To talk about us." With his help, she stood up taking a step back until her six hit the sink. "Things were simple once. What happened?" Mac folded her arms across her chest once Harm stood to full height. It made the bathroom seem so tiny.

"I left to fly." He stated the obvious, the one catalyst that had begun their downward spiral. "And returned to find you'd moved on without me."

"Harm...I." Mac's eyes fell away from his drifting to a spot on the ground. He had a point that she couldn't argue against. "I was talking about this past year. After Christmas we sorta fell apart." Mac knew taking turns on the bench held its fair share of blame. They were too close with the power to tear apart each others playbook and go for the jugular. She really believed they were over contrite situations. Hadn't they been moving towards something? "You left me in the lurch about Singer. I guess it shouldn't surprise me, you've done it before."

"When?"

"Hunting Diane's killer. Searching for your father. Going after Palmer."

"You didn't need to get involved in any of that." And yet she did anyway, saving his life when his obsessions had gone too far, taking him to the darkest of places. "I didn't want you involved."

"Would you have even told me about Russia if Chegwidden hadn't sent me to watch your six?"

"No."

"Why?"

Because she was too close. Because it was too dangerous and he cared too much to see her hurt or worse... Because he loved her. "Because I, Mac... Look never mind." Mentally, Harm wanted to slap himself for holding back once again, for putting that sad look in her eyes. He could sense her anger breath to life again.

But, Mac didn't yell at him like she wanted to. Instead, she spoke softly out of fear that her voice would crack. "I can't keep doing this with you."

"Mac…"

"Damn, you! Why don't you ever let me in!?" Mac was willing to plead with him, beg for an answer that once and for all would define their relationship.

"Because I'm in love with you."

And suddenly he was standing, looming over and making the bathroom space feel claustrophobic. "What?"

Harm felt lighter, like a weight had lifted from his shoulders. "I'm in love with you and I'm terrified of getting too close." A mere breath away, he placed his hands on either side of her, trapping Mac between himself and the basin. He breathed in her scent, a combination of shampoo, perfume and the sweet smell of her skin. When he spoke again, his voice had taken on a husky timbre, seductive in nature. "I'm terrified of how intense this is and of what can happen if we screw it up."

"Harm…"

"I want you Mac, only you… I've wanted you for years." His arms had somehow snaked around her, lifting Mac so that her bottom settled against the sink's ledge.

Instinctively, her legs parted allowing Harm to step closer, pressing against her, his willing captive. His bandaged hand came up to her face so that his knuckles moved over her elegant cheekbones. "Say it again."

"What part?"

"You love me?"

"With all my heart." Harm kissed her long and slow, building with passion so much that Mac was clinging to him. She pulled his body closer and felt the telling sign of his desire press against her. When she moaned his name, he became completely unglued. Whatever control still lingered he surrendered to her, hopelessly lost in her arms.

Carefully he raised her up again, grinning agsinst Mac's lips when her legs wrapped around his waist as Harm carried her into the bedroom. "You don't know how badly I've wanted to strip you out of this uniform." He punctuated each word with a kiss as his fingers began to pop open the buttons of her jacket.

He eased her down in front of the bed, never taking his mouth from hers. "Harm, we can't." Mac said although she didn't have the strength to pull away especially when his hand found itself under her blouse. His fingers traced the sides of her breast, running down her flank and up again, the feeling of his rough hand over her skin making Mac shake. He cupped one breast gently and his thumb moved over the nipple still encased in the bra bringing the peak to attention.

"Harm, you...I… oh.." She tried to mount another defense much more for his sake than hers. The last few days Harm had been erratic, running so hot and cold that it was giving her whiplash. Mac didn't want to take advantage of him and live with the repercussions that could arise if he suddenly believed making love to her was a mistake. Plus, she was still a little upset with him and it was time to turn the tables.

She was also scared of what spending time in his arms could do and the blow that would come if he erected those walls up again. "Harm…" He'd managed to pull off her jacket and fully unbutton her tie and blouse.

The mouth that was previously on hers descended down her neck and was currently working its way towards the valley of her breasts. "Harm." Mac said his name with a little more force which ceased any more of his advances. "We can't. Not like this."

"Not like what?"

When he snapped his head up, it was all Mac could do to not push him onto the bed and have her way with him. His eyes had darkened, desire clearly evident in them. And that pout was boyishly sweet, deserving of more kisses. Sighing, she took a step back, trying to move away from his heat that beckoned like a moth to a flame. "Yesterday you practically ran away from me. Now…"

"I love you." He said, as if their current situation would be fixed by three simple words.

"I know… I love you too." And then she was collecting her jacket slipping it back on. Frantically, Mac began buttoning her blouse and then disappeared into the bathroom to straighten her tie. Even though she was heading home, a good Marine was always squared away.

"So, you're leaving?"

"Yes."

"But, I thought..."

"You thought telling me you love me would make me instantly fall into bed with you?" She poked out of the bathroom, uniform perfectly in place. Even the lipstick that was smudged from their kisses was in order. "Did you think it would be that easy?" She laughed at his shy nod, the cute way he looked with his hair disheveled and his lips tinted in red. Mac's eyes skimmed his muscular chest with the perfect peppering of hair trailing down to that part of his body that was still straining to be touched.

"Sarah…"

"I'm not that kind of girl, Harm." Mac stepped up to his bed, trying her best to not to let him seduce her when all she wanted was him, all of him. "When is your last session?"

"Tomorrow and then I'm free, at least I hope I am."

"Dinner? My place tomorrow night?"

Mac's tone of voice made a smile curve on his lips. Her tone held a bit of hope. He grabbed her hand when Mac made to pass by him and pulled her body against his. This time, his kiss was soft, barely there, Harm didn't want to smudge her lipstick. "Only if you call me when you get home."