Love this one, it's wrapping up soonish couple more chapters... LOVE the phone bit between Harm and Mac, you'll see what I mean. ;)

Chapter 10 - Keep Your Secrets

Once again and hopefully for the last time, Harm sat in one of the guest chairs of Dr. Riley's office. He had a silly grin plastered on his face and not more than five minutes earlier was happily whistling while he poured himself a cup of coffee. He felt relaxed with a sort of ease that had been missing in his life for several months now.

He was happy, really, really happy and it was all because of a certain, gorgeous Marine.

It was his breakthrough.

"You look cheerful." Dr Riley said, unable to stop his grin from infecting her. The man was practically radiating his good vibes, a stark difference to the Officer which sulked into her office a week prior.

"Do I?" His flyboy smile went up to full wattage. "I'm exhausted actually, I ah… spent most of the night on the phone." Harm intended for their conversation to be short, a quick chat to make sure Mac had gotten home okay. When he heard the splash of water from her bath, he couldn't keep her on long enough...


.... "I'm home… Do you know how badly I wanted to turn my car around and run back to you?"

He heard water splashing over the line and his body, which he'd managed to control after an extended cold shower and maybe a little self release, came to full awareness. "Where are you?"

"My place."

Harm rolled his eyes and couldn't bite back his annoyed tone. "Where in your place?"

"Oh! In the tub."

"Naked." He dead-panned and certain parts of his anatomy began to stir to life...again.

She laughed and the sound made his heart squeeze slightly. "Yeah, Harm. I don't usually bathe with clothes on."

Mac. Naked. Oh God. He imagined her covered in nothing but fading bubbles that barely hid her body. The suds caressing her skin when it could be his hands…"I can't take this anymore." There was only so much a man could take. "I'm comin' over."

"Don't you dare!"

Harm sighed, the woman was going to be the death of him, he was sure. He sat at the edge of the bed and threw himself back into the mattress. "We would have been tangled up in my bed sheets had you stayed…I would have made sure you were properly made love to "

Mac went silent for a moment, no doubt considering his last words. He would have enjoyed mapping every inch of her skin, learning what she liked.

"I didn't want regrets from you." It was the silence that fell after her statement that made Harm realize how insecure she was. Then again, he hadn't given her much to hope for in the last few years - always staying a step away, safe. "You're still figuring things out. Sex wasn't going to fix things."

She was right, he'd been acting like a lunatic of late, but he was sure of what he wanted from her. "It...I ah… It's not just about...sex, Mac." Harm detested how lame that sounded but, it was a truth she needed to know. There thing had never been about a mutual, physical attraction, it was so much more. He wanted all of her, forever if Mac would have him.

"Oh. So you don't wanna sleep with me?"

And there was her laugh again, teasing, easing the pain. Harm missed that banterr from their partnership which had been strained for far too long. "Not even a flight in a tomcat could drag me away from you."

"That's one hell of a compliment."

"I've never not wanted you...I keep thinking about what you smell like, what you'd sound like. What you'd feel like beneath me, above me."

Her breath hitched audibly and he heard the little splashes of water before she spoke. "Mmm...You're getting me hot and bothered again."

"Me too…" He sighed and changed tact, their first time would not be over phone sex. "So...Tell me something about you I don't know."

Silence on the line stretched for a moment and Harm was worried he'd lost her. "Mac?"

"Yeah? Sorry, the way you were talking was a bit...seductive. I thought...Nevermind...I umm…I'm an idiot."

"No, Mac, you're not… I just...just want you to talk to me. For a little while. I missed my best friend."

"I missed you too." She sighed opting to play along because she too didn't want to let him go. "Okay...I'm deathly afraid of spiders…" Mac admitted. "Had one crawl into my tent when camping with Uncle Matt. He swore it wasn't poisonous, but it just creeped me out."

"How old were you?"

"Twelve, I think. When things got a bit…hectic, you know.. at home..." She hesitated for a moment. "He'd take me camping. Taught me to fish, light a fire with no matches. Some of my best memories were of Matt or my grandmother."

"Ada?"

"You remembered." He could practically hear the smile in her voice. For some reason, there had been aspects of Mac's past that he'd filed away.

"She taught you Farsi." He grinned at the memory and the only discussion into Mac's personal life that she allowed as they chased down her Uncle Matt so many years ago. It was an attempt to figure out if she and Diane were related in some way only to note the differences that made Mac that more unique.

"She did, yes… I miss her, I miss Uncle Matt too…. So how about you, flyboy? What dirty little secret do you have?"

"Hmmm." Harm thought for a moment and decided he trusted her enough to divulge his biggest fear. "I hate the water...swimming…Absolutely detest it."

"What? Aren't you squids all joined at the hip with Neptune or something?"

"Hah. I wish...I learned to swim at the Academy. Took a lot of flack for it too."

"Didn't you spend Summers in the Bahamas?"

"I did. Frank could never get me to learn... According to mom, I nearly drowned at a lake on Grams property the summer after dad went missing...Guess I harbored a fear of water since then."

"Harm….Oh no." He knew what she was thinking...May, the storm, ejecting into the roaring waves. "I'm so sorry."

"Hey, it's not your fault…"

"Yeah it is. I baited you."

"Mac, no...I never should have left."

"If I'd lost you...Harm...I…"

"I know. We're okay." Silence once again stretched over the line and Harm wished he were there to hold her and seek comfort in each other. "Mac, we're okay."

"Yeah… We are." After many bumps and bruises they met an understanding although they never really spoke about Mic's departure or Renee's. It was one of the facets of their relationship that was swept under the rug - tabled.

"Why did you fly back so suddenly?"

Why indeed? She was his best friend and Mac had asked for his presence there but, if Harm were truthful, he had fleeting thoughts of stopping the nuptials. "I don't know, Mac… I just… had to be there."

"I didn't realize how stifling Mic had been until he was gone... kept wishing you would make me come to my senses."

Harm did too, but was too scared to admit his feelings for her and stop that farce of a wedding. Her marrying Brumby would have been living an agonizingly slow death. "I'm glad it happened, he couldn't have made you happy."

"He did sometimes but… "

"But…"

"He wasn't you."

"And she wasn't you." He said simply knowing full well that not a single woman on Earth could hold a candle to Mac.

"I wanted it to be you and when I thought you didn't want me…"

"Sarah….I wanted you. I just...I was scared of losing you."

"You won't lose me."

"You make me wanna believe that." He knew being with her would entail so much more than what he had with anyone else. Harm also knew that he didn't want to fail her. "Sooo, enough of the heavy talk...your favorite ice cream is pistachio, your favorite drink is coffee."

"Correct."

"You're a Marine, your favorite color is red, right?"

She chuckled and he felt that familiar tug on his heart. God, her laughter was sort of magical. "On that you'd be wrong. It's blue...navy blue. The same color of the stone on my belly button ring."

"You...what? Crap, gonna need another cold shower…" They both laughed at his words….


As it was, they spoke until four am bringing up all sorts of small talk about the past. He learned so many things he hadn't ever dreamed of asking Mac. Little details, snapshots of her life that made her the woman she was today. They talked about their first crushes, first kisses and she couldn't stop laughing at his stories of a 13 year old Harm's troubles with the opposite sex.

Every time one of them said 'goodnight' the other would bring up a new topic until another hour long conversation evolved. He hadn't felt this at ease with Mac in over a year and he wanted more time. "Didn't go to sleep until four maybe five."

"Important conversation?"

"No...well yeah...I guess it was." He grinned sheepishly recalling she'd teased him about the sleep wear she'd worn - describing some lacy, frilly little thing only to confess she was wearing silk pajamas - those were equally tempting.

"With Mac?"

Harm had the decency to blush. "Yeah, with Mac."

"Seems like you made some progress there?"

"I guess I did...It was her doing though." At the doctor's questioning look Harm shrugged, "Mac showed up at my place giving me an earful and then we sort of… I don't know but, I think we're in a good place now. I'm happy… I think."

"You think?"

Harm sighed. Once he hung up with Mac, he began to think about his past relationships and all of the mistakes he'd made. It wasn't too difficult to see him sticking his foot in his mouth, following the same pattern until he lost Mac too. With the others it had hurt, somewhat but, losing Mac would be a weight he didn't want to bare. "What if I screw it up?"

"Why would you?"

"I have a habit of sticking my foot in my mouth...doing the wrong things."

"Maybe a bit of self sabotage?"

Self sabotage? His brow furled at the term which was clearly psychological babble. He considered it more of something an alcoholic or drug addict would subject themselves to; self hurt. He hadn't exactly considered the term could be associated with relationships or his perception of one. Yet, he did have a habit of doing the wrong things but then, didn't everybody? "Sabotage? How so?"

"Do you cause problems in your relationships?"

Did he? There had been times where Harm knew he could have done and said things differently but, wasn't that the folly of all humans? "I ah… I don't...maybe?"

Dr. Riley caught his hesitation, the way his jovial appearance from earlier deflated. His shoulders slumped and she could practically see the wheels turning in his head. "Tell me about your first serious relationship."

Diane. She was the first woman he ever considered being serious with although, not soon enough. Their budding careers, different billets and the oceans which separated them created quite the cahsom. It was never exclusive or monogamous until the ramp strike had Harm reconsidering his lifelong decisions. "I told you about her, Diane."

"How long were you together?"

There really wasn't a time frame, not one that he could stick to and it often shamed him that was so obsessed with the woman for too long a while. It made him miss certain aspects of his life, like the fact that his physical attraction for Mac had blossomed into so much more. "We were… complicated. She was crypto, me a pilot...Different oceans. If I was being honest… I don't think we really had a shot."

"Is that hindsight talking?"

"No… I knew it back then too." He admitted, frowning when he thought back to there plans to spend the weekend in her family's cabin. It was his idea to plan some sort of future, being at JAG allowed him this.

"What about your next serious relationship?"

Annie. Harm nearly rolled his eyes when he thought about whatever blurb of a relationship they had. Truth be told, he was rather grateful when she broke up with him. "That one was never gonna work out. I kept...well I kept hoping she was the girl I knew a decade earlier."

"People change." She said with a knowing smile that did not placate her patient.

"We do but, she…" He stopped, sighing almost desperately at how his infatuation with the woman he once knew clashed with the neurotic woman he dated. Harm wasn't sure if he was seeing her through rose coloured glasses in the past but, dating Annie was stifling. "I almost hate admitting this..." He paused, trying not to seem like an insensitive jerk speaking badly about a woman. "She was paranoid about everything...mostly her son...I wanted to help him out and made a mistake… a big mistake that she never forgave me for." Mac was right to call her neurotic.

"How so?"

"Annie was the wife of my former best friend. He died in an F-14 crash and I was always enamored with her, I guess. When Luke died she became… well, she lost it after that. I don't blame her, but she became neurotic." Harm told her about the Navy Tiger cruise and the fib that allowed Josh to travel with him - pretending they were going sailing. "To be honest, I didn't see a problem. A Navy ship is formidable and with that many kids on board the Captain wouldn't have put us in harm's way." . It was unfortunate to have the ship taken over by Cuban freedom fighters or the roles they played in order to free the captors that were held by a manic woman strapped with explosives.

"Why lie to her if you wanted a relationship? Especially about her son."

It was the same question Mac had asked once followed by a tongue lashing that he deserved. "Josh was unhappy, I wanted to help… He wasn't too keen on Annie and me, I thought I would do something nice."

Ah, she understood, it was a way to buy the boy's love. Something that wasn't uncommon when dealing with troubled stepparents. "Any other relationship?"

"Two. The first was Jordan." He didn't think about her much anymore not since his life was turned upside down after Mac's wedding came to a screeching halt. Before, she often crossed his mind mainly, the guilt of choosing flying over her. It was the same guilt he felt for another relationship that took a blow at that time - his with Mac's. "We were… hot and heavy for a while. Jordan was a shrink and I think She was trying to break through my barriers."

"Did she?" Dr. Riley queried, once again making notes on Harm's file. She saw his pained expression, the way his shoulders slumped again as if she hit a raw nerve.

"No." It was another relationship that had begun to stifle him especially when he decided to return to flying. He figured someone who loved him, who cared would be as excited as he. Even when he was just looking at the possibilities, Jordan had loudly voiced her displeasure. Mac did too. He thought, frowning as he remembered his best friend acting more like a jilted girlfriend. Although, if he knew then what he knew now, he would not have left - it did more damage than good - he drove Mac into Mic's arms. "I'm sorry, Doc… spaced out a bit." He smirked and shifted on his seat. "What was the question?"

"Why did you split up?"

Harm sighed, "I returned to flying F-14s from a carrier for a while. She didn't take that well. When I came back, I tried...to… you know? Get back together, she wanted nothing to do with me."

"Did you talk about your plans to return to a carrier?"

He shook his head. "No, not really. I cared for her, loved her in a way but, we'd only been together a few months, it wasn't that serious, I don't think." He caught himself and bit his lip for giving truth to his own lies. Yes, he cared for Jordan but, she wasn't it. She was another woman in his life to pass the time. "There's one more relationship." Harm said, trying to get ahead of the doctor's next question. "And before you ask, it was Mac that broke us up."