Chapter 11 - Somerhing Happening
To this day he really never knew how things between him and Renee got so serious. It was meant to be a few dates, a way to have some fun and relieve some stress. Both of their careers were stressful and they had that in common, but she wasn't the type of woman that he could see as his wife or the mother of his children. "I suppose I strung her along."
"Because you didn't want to be alone?"
Harm sighed, if only it were that easy. No, his relationship with Renee began when he and Mac couldn't find their footing after he returned to JAG. He was lonely, confused and she offered to warm his bed, to be the substitute for the woman he really wanted. When Mac became engaged to Mic, he tried to get closer to Renee and make it work. It didn't and never would...she wasn't Mac.
"I didn't love Renee. I purposely kept her at a distance while I jealously watched Mac almost marry someone else." It felt good to admit that outloud, the jealousy which consumed him at the time.
He didn't want to hurt Renee but, the woman's clingy personality had begun to drive Harm insane as was the insecurity, the comparisons with Mac, the asking about his dream girl. "I didn't intend to hurt her but, Mac was slipping through my fingers...So, I figured if Mac could be happy without me, I was determined to be happy without her."
Dr. Riley studied him for a moment, the sullen expression and slumped shoulders. "Your girlfriend saw through that?"
He nodded. "She always felt Mac had a hold on me, she was right "
"Did you ever intend to be serious with her? Have a family? Kids?"
"No." He admitted sadly.
"So that's another relationship you engaged in knowing you didn't want to follow through."
"She was fun at first…" Harm cringed at how badly that sounded. Fun made the woman sound like a stripper. "That came out wrong...We had fun, it was casual...Until it wasn't."
"Let's go back to the term I used: self-sabotage." Dr. Riley looked through her notes and began to pick apart his relationships one by one. "Diane, you said neither of you were willing to give up your careers...Jordan, you decided to omit that you were returning to a squadron until it was too late. Renee, you remained with because you couldn't have the woman you wanted."
It was difficult to remain calm, Harm's ire rose with each significant other the doctor ticked off the list.
"What does any of this have to do what I originally came here for? It sure as hell wasn't to dissect my love life!"
"No it wasn't but, it ties in."
"How does my murdered coworker have to do anything with past relationships?"
"Control…Or the semelance of it, your perception of it."
"What?" I see a man who's so afraid to lose control. Mac's words echoed in his mind. He didn't realize how well she knew him until that point and that inability to let go that plagued him all his life.
"You're want to control things is making you sabotage your relationships… all of them, especially when it's something you're passionate about."
"I wasn't trying to control dianr…I certainly didn't try to control Renee or Jordan… Singer...I…"
"No? Did you act rationally with any of them?" He didn't understand it was evident on his face. "Did you stop and consider that your actions had consequences for your relationship?"
"You saying I got them killed?"
"No, Commander. Your critical inner voice can't handle the loss of control needed to sustain healthy relationships. So you act out your defenses, make trouble for yourself."
"I wasn't in a relationship with Singer." The thought made him cringe and he still couldn't understand what Sergei saw in the woman. If Loren had a redeeming quality, Harm never found one. She was vindictive and foolishly arrogant.
"No but, you said yourself she was not well liked. You wanted something from her and let her reputation guide you. Rather than keeping calm and rational, you acted aggressively and controlling...Eseentially, you burned your own bridge."
He did, Harm realized a moment too late when the damage had alreasy been done. His treatment of Loren was shameful all because he didn't like her. "I just couldn't lose another part of my family."
"And you went about it the wrong way. Tell me, if she was carrying your brother's child and was not murdered how would your treatment of her given you the outcome you wanted?"
"It wouldn't have." Loren would have had an abortikn or given up the baby for adoption before ever considering the child as part of Harm's family.
"You were hurt at a very young age and that is something you have carried into adulthood. So you set boundaries, never letting anyone get too close and when they do, you find ways to pick it apart."
Harm mulled over the doctor's words and he began to pick apart his own demons.
Diane, they never really gave it a shot and hadn't really tried until his rampstrike. Even then, he still made up excuses about long distance relationships failing. It was true that they missed more than they connected and he was going to try and patch things up over a weekend knowing Diane would not have accepted.
Annie, there breakup was actually a Godsend when he couldn't figure out how to step away without hurting her. It was toxic and he hung on too long knowing things wouldn't work out because he cared for her son, the ready-made family.
Jordan, that began hot and heavy but, Harm never anticipated the woman would be so insecure or that she wanted a commitment so soon. In the end he prefered the smell of jet fuel over her sweet perfume.
Renee, another relationship which went on for far too long because he didn't want to be alone.
Singer, he knew his actions could have been different. Instead, he barreled into her because she had always been an adversary.
"You are avoiding attachment to anyone, Commander. Your actions are dictated over the hurt you felt watching your mom move on. Inwardly, you may feel the same, that others will move on without you...When you returned to flying did you contact your friends back home?"
"No...Well Mac...two emails."
"Two emails?"
"Yes."
"Why just two?"
"I was busy…" God that sounded so lame. She was his friend, his best friend and Harm didn't really try to contact her just expectwd to he welcomed back with open arms.
"Busy? I'm sure your friends would have liked hearing from you...And you were avoiding them. Because it reminded you of the life you left behind...What happened when you returned?"
Harm didn't want to think about it, how life went on as if he'd never set foot in JAG before. It was painfuly awkard and took months for him to find some sort if foothold. "I was replaced...At least it felt that way. Mac had a new partner, everyone...life just went on without me."
"But you didn't do anything to keep those relationships healthy did you?"
"No."
"And you expected them to welcome you with open arms when you chose flying over your life at JAG"
Harm leaned forward, the questioning accusarions hitting a little harder than he would have liked. "What was I supposed to do? Not try? That was taken away from me by a misdiagnosis! I would have still been a pilot or even the Cag by now."
"So your current life at JAG was and still is a fall back position?"
"Yes!...No! I…" He took a breath and then settled back down. JAG was never in his immediate future, it just sort of happened and he was good at it. "Doc, there was never supposed to be a plan B...I had to figure something out, I was good at law and the investigations got me close enough to flying until I was allowed to get behind the stick again."
"You're a lawyer...why not let go of flying jets?"
"Because it's what I love the most."
"Because it keeps you close to your father. You want to be like him."
Of course he did, every young boy wanted to be just like their father. "He was a good man."
Dr. Riley hated pulling this card but she needed him to realize how infallible everyone was. "A good man who cheated on your mother."
"No...I...He waa a good man. And I...Oh God." Harm thought about his father, his own personal hero that had been idolized to a fault. The man made a mistake and Harm was left to carry that burden for life. He felt the tears stream down his cheeks and brought his hands up to cover his face as he cried.
Harm wanted to be just like his hero minus the agony of leaving loved ones behind. Perhaps Dr. Riley had a point, he was purposely wrecking each relationship to make it easier to move on.
"He was human...And you are not your father, Harm. You don't have to be...You need to let go of that control he has over you."
Harm stood, brushing his tears away as he stepped to the windows. It was raining and he found the weather suited his current mood. "I want to be like him but, I don't measure up...the only thing we have in common anymore is the Navy."
"Have you forgiven him for the infidelity?"
"No. I can't. I still love him but…I can't." And that in and out of itself hurt him so deeply. What memories he still had of his parents had been a joyful kind of love. They were always happy, always laughing. How could his father turn his back on that? "So what now?"
"You need to realize that not everyone is out to hurt you. There are things out of your control and it's alright."
Harm snorted. "You sound a bit like Mac, she's tried to challenge that theory."
"So, stop putting roadblocks up...Your situation with your coworker wouldn't have escalated had you not take matters into your own hands." Dr. Riley stomped and slowly made her way over to Harm offering him a box of tissues. He flushed with embarrassment as he took two and blew his nose. "Stop sabotaging the good things in your life."
Why was it when she spoke of the good, his mind immediately went to his Marine. Yes, his Marine, once he saved her from poachers so long ago, Mac became his. "I'll try, Doc and I know exactly where to start."
"Good." She went back to her desk and made a few notes on her file. "I'll make my recommendation to allow you back to work with specific instructions that you are to see me twice a month for the next six months. Just to see how you're adjusting."
Harm breathed a sigh of relief. He missed his friends, his life at JAG and he missed Mac. "I'd like that. Thank you, doc, for everything."
That evening he stepped outsise with a renewed sense of purpose and a desire to complicate the hell out of this thing with Mac. She made him happy, why was he denying himself the chance of a full life wity her? At once he pulled out his cellphone and punched the familliar numbers to her direct line.
She would still be at the office, possibly wrapping up case files for the day. Mac answered in just three rings with a familiar, "Lt. Colonel MacKenzie."
"Hey beautiful."
"Hey sailor!" He could practically hear the smile in her voice and imagined her beaming just as much as he was. "Are you a free man?"
"Yep. Cleared to work full time starting Monday...I have to say, this last session was...enlightening. I wanna talk to you about it, it's kinda wild, Doc's theory." He still wasn't buying the self-sabotage theory but, that didn't mean he couldn't discuss it with her.
"Wild good or wild bad?"
"Good, I think." First things first, they had a 'date' of sorts and he swore to bring desert. Harm found himself looking forward to spending time with her. " So, about our little date, do you still like that chocolate mousse from that French place in Alexandria? I'll pick some up before I head over."
That was when Mac's happy tone faded to one of annoyance. "Uh, about that… Raincheck? Webb stopped by, and needed my help for something. I kind of want to say no but…"
"Your curiosity and sense of duty was piqued?"
"Oh yeah. I'm heading to Langley, not sure how long it's gonna be."
"Just don't let him rope you into one of his schemes."
Mac sighed heavily, "I had a nice evening planned..I wanted to spend time with you."
"Me too." Harm was planning on flowers, something a little more exotic than red roses. And dessert, he couldn't forget dessert if only to watch her expression as she devoured each chocolate morsel. "Mac...I uh...well… I, you know…" He let out a breath, why was it still so hard to say? "I...love...you."
"I love you too...It's not so hard to say."
No and it was getting easier for him. "Call me when you get home, no matter the time."
"I will...Bye."
