"You don't belong here." "Impostor."
Those words… were burned into Thor's skull, like physical objects… Loud as a hunting horn he heard them.
Loki's words… they were true… They were absolutely true.
He was an impostor, and he didn't belong here! He didn't belong at all.
And, Thor was starting to be convinced it was kind of obvious, the way people would look at him, with odd eyes. He started to question if maybe… Maybe these people could see him, what he really was.
Could they see his big, fat, disgusting stomach? His greasy, long beard? It was so obvious, how long and greasy his hair had become, how sweaty his skin was.
How couldn't they be seeing it!
Thor became so convinced of this that whenever he saw his own reflection… He was lost.
What was he seeing?! He was looking at a stranger, that young man in the mirror, that wasn't even him! He had stolen this body, it wasn't his.
Thor felt ill as he walked the gardens, he so badly wanted a bottle of something strong… Really strong.
His mind was yearning for it, for the numbness, to just forget it… Only barely did he stop himself, if he started he wouldn't be able to stop.
He would drink himself stupid, spill everything, ruin everything…
Thor had now realized he was unable to act normal around his friends, so he avoided them instead, trying to collect his mind.
In the back of his mind Thanos loomed; something told him he was supposed to do something… But what? What could he do? What could he do that wouldn't just mess everything up all over again?
Thor had succumbed to locking himself inside his room and barely going out, everything was so weird.
Thor had been convinced that if only he had been allowed to go back, go back to when everything was all right, he would be able to pick himself back up!
Everything was fine now, he should be able to walk around, train, laugh, talk, figure out a plan… Bathe.
But his hair started to get greasy again, the only reason Thor hadn't started to gain weight again was because to get food he would have to go outside of his chambers and interact with living human beings… Perhaps even run into the people he knew, and he couldn't do that.
So instead of eating to dull his pain he went for the opposite, not eating at all.
Sometimes people would come and knock at his door, Sif… The Warriors Three… Frigga… Thor also knew Loki would loom outside of his door from time to time, or sit in the tree outside of his window in the shape of a crow glaring at him with his glittering eyes.
Eyes saying, "Who are you? You are not Thor… What are you doing in Thor's room, impostor!"
Thor, though, never responded to any of the visitors, he just pretended that he wasn't even there, keeping the door locked until they finally left.
Loki's presence… It overwhelmed Thor with so much guilt, yet he was desperate for Loki to stay, to not leave. Whenever Loki wasn't there Thor was anxious; he just wished… he wished he knew how to reach out, how to address his little brother.
Days had gone past like that, with no one knowing what to do… Then suddenly Thor was left little choice as the king of Asgard himself came and forced his doors open with magic.
Thor… was laying in bed, he didn't want to do this… to stand up and face his father. His father who had trusted him with the fate of Asgard and the result…
Thor could feel Odin's eye on him, burning him.
"My son," Odin then spoke.
Slowly Thor looked up and was met by Odin's concerned face.
"Whatever ails you, clearly this is no small issue… Thor, speak to me. What has occurred?" Odin asked.
Slowly Thor sat up, his now tangled hair falling down his shoulders… He felt weak. Probably should have seen that coming after days of not eating anything.
"My son," Odin asked. "Please."
Thor closed his eyes, memories floating towards him… Loki was a Jotunn, Odin had not told them, any of them.
Hela… Right now she would be in captivity in another realm while paintings of her slaughters were hidden beneath the much nicer paintings in the throne room.
He remembered… Odin screaming at Loki, that Loki's birth right had only been to die on an ice cap! He remembered the madness in Odin's eye as he had been slipping away, he remembered Odin turning to dust and leaving them… Leaving them all alone with all the burdens! Odin had left them! Left the exact second Thor needed him the most! And Thor grabbed his head. "Leave me!" he asked.
"I will not," Odin informed. "I cannot, you are my son!" he stated.
"So what?!" Thor asked as he looked up with tear stricken eyes. "I am not the good prince you wished me to be! Nor am I strong or wise! You need to look elsewhere for your successor."
"That is not what this is about," Odin frowned. "At least, not right now..." he breathed. "I do not understand, what is this talk of not being worthy."
"It is what it is. The truth," Thor informed him. "I am not worthy… If you want to see for yourself, cast the spell upon Mjolnir," he offered, taking Mjolnir from his belt and offering it to Odin. "I know you know of it, a spell for Mjolnir, so only he who is worthy of the powers of Thor can wield it… Cast it," he challenged. "And see for yourself, I will not be able to lift the hammer."
Odin looked at Thor, his eye serious.
For some moments the two men looked at each other, their eyes stern.
Then slowly Odin reached forward, and took Mjolnir from Thor. "You are wrong, Thor.," he said. "Very well then, it shall be proven." He leaned forward and then whispered to Mjolnir, whispered words of old norse, then a final sentence. "Only he who is worthy of the power of the mighty Thor shall be able to wield this hammer..."
Then, slowly Odin lowered the hammer and put it on the floor, and he looked up. "It is done," he informed. "I myself can no longer lift it from the ground, only he who is worthy can." He gestured at it. "Take your Hammer, Thor."
Thor looked at it, then realized… he had made a mistake, a horrible mistake! He had given up on his old friend, he could not bear the mere thought of trying to pick up Mjolnir and not being able to, he remembered not being able to before and how it had felt… He could not do it a second time… He could not do it, and so he laid down instead.
"Thor, take your hammer," Odin demanded in a stern voice.
"I can't!" Thor exclaimed. "What is it you do not get?" he asked. "I am not worthy to be king! And I am not worthy of the powers of Thor. Leave me be!" he asked.
The crow outside let out a screech as it thrashed its wings.
Odin's eye was stern and his frown deep. "Very well, for now I shall leave," he nodded. "However… I shall return, and you will tell me what ails you… " then his face softened. "And when you are ready, pick up your hammer."
Thor didn't reply, just continued to lay down.
"You need to take a bath," Odin then said softly. "I shall send someone with food for you, I haven't seen you in the dining hall for far too long."
Thor didn't reply, and felt immense relief as Odin finally left the room… The crow, though, remained and Thor turned his head to look at it, then he reached out a hand, towards the crow.
However, the crow jumped back, and croaked a dangerous squawk. Thor's arm fell down as he felt exhaustion overwhelm him, he was only too happy to allow sleep to take him.
