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Chapter 1
The Deranged Woodpecker
There was a loud raping sound and a screeching, not unlike that of a deranged woodpecker. I burrowed under a thin blanket and a lumpy pillow that I soon came to realize were not my own.
Peeking over the covers like a groundhog I realized two very important things:
This is not my bed nor my room. And, this is a cupboard under stairs.
Then the pieces fell into place.
A cupboard under stairs, thin arms, knobbly knees, black hair, screeching, purple door, silver plaque, annoying poem, Fairies.
'Holy dimension travel Batman! I'm Harry Potter! Sheet!'
"Get up you lazy bum and look after the bacon! I've already told you once already, do you want me to get Vernon?!" Petunia 'The Deranged Woodpecker' Dursley screeched.
SHEET!
Scrambling more then a terrified Ronald Weasley who just saw a spider, I managed to get dressed in record time and practically leaped out of the cupboard, and rushed into the kitchen to babysit the bacon.
The Dursleys looked like an uptight, unpleasant family in my opinion. From the way they dressed to the way they held their silverware practically screamed uptightness, stuckupieness, and unpleasantness . . . well Mr. and Mrs. Dursley anyway. Dudley ate like an ogre and looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid who had never been told 'no' for anything in his life. Spoiled, that is what Dudley is, spoiled.
As I finished my breakfast it occurred to me.
I never got my juice box.
Just like that my mood soured.
I was trapped, trapped between two smelly trolls. But I had to be brave. Brave, that's a word that one does not often think about the meaning of, bravery, courage, valor, all traits of a hero. A good hero. All have decerted me. I fear for my livelihood, my sanity, my- oh gosh! I think one of them is drooling! Eww! No! I am an adult dam it! I shall prevail! I shall be victorious! I SHALL-
"We're here! Get ready to get out boys."
An unexpected saviour appeared, an angel in disguise. Petunia Dursley may have interrupted my mental monologue but she has given me hope! A way out! The clouds have cleared! The birds sing in the golden rays of the sun! Thank heavens! God be praised! The stars smile upon me! The sun-
"Boy! Get out of the car now! You won't be lazing around in here!" Like a sharp needle Vernon Dursley popped my bubble. I could hear the Cabbage Patch Kid and his sidekick Rat Face snickering.
At the zoo I avoided Dudley and Spears Polka (or what ever his name is) like the plague. So far they seemed far more interested in ogling the animals than tormenting 'Harry.' Which was perfectly alright with me.
Watching the Dursley's and Pears Vulcan pointing and squinting at the animals made the temptation to walk up to a zoo employee and tearfully inform them that a white, middle-class, Suburban, family had escaped from their cages, excruciatingly strong.
They decided to get ice cream. So we walked up to the ice cream stand, Dudley got some giant layered monstrosity, Pete Square got frozen dung on a stick for all I know (I spaced out), and before the Mr. Dursley could pay for ice cream the smiling ice cream lady asked what I wanted, so they got me a lemon popsicle, it wasn't a juice box but it will do rather well.
Dudley predictably threw a temper tantrum when there wasn't enough ice cream on top of the knicker boker? bokerknocker? bippity boppity boo? Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringnmmm- you know what, I really don't care to properly remember the name of that ice cream. When there was not enough cream of ice on top of his ice cream. So they bought him another and I was allowed to finish the first . . . it was very good. Now I wish i remembered the name.
Up next was the reptile house.
To release, or not to release the boa constrictor, that is the question.
Posted: July 23, 2019
