35
The Hermit
Bella thought she had experienced great pain before, but this is different. Everything hurts in a bone-deep, constantly aching way. Maybe she is just as fragile as Edward treats her.
"I feel like I'm letting everyone down," she cries.
Bella can't remember a time when she wasn't crying. She doesn't need her chapped lips and the way her dry skin stretches every time she moves to know that she's dehydrated.
"I've been waiting for this, you know? That other shoe to drop. They're going to realize how crazy and unstable I am."
"Bella, you are not crazy," Zafrina insists. "You've come such a long way from the girl who was afraid of her own shadow. You should be proud."
Bella scoffs. "Every single hurdle I've managed to jump over since Edward moved in next door is back up and stronger than ever. I can't leave the house anymore, and I'm on a constant regimen to try to keep the panic attacks under control." She sobs. "It doesn't work though. I'm always on edge. That's why I asked him to call you."
"I wish you would have contacted me sooner, but I'm glad you did. We'll talk about changing your medication before I go. Right now, I'd like to talk about the guilt you're carrying."
"Rose and Edward had to cancel my cookie orders indefinitely. I was just starting to find my footing, and it all went up in flames. Clients were relying on me. They were relying on me, and I failed them." She sniffs. "I refused to see Alice before she and Jasper went back to Texas, and I know that hurt her."
"That's all understandable, considering Alice's abrupt decision to move. You're allowed to have feelings, Bella."
"Edward's going to leave me."
"What makes you think that? Has he said or done anything to insinuate he plans on leaving?"
Bella shakes her head and tries to swallow the lump in her throat. "He doesn't have to say it. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me. He's trying to find a way out just like Alice did, and I can't blame him for it."
"You're paranoia is getting the best of you. Alice didn't abandon you, and from what you've told me about her, I'd imagine this is just as hard on her as it is for you. Your sister will always be a phone call or a flight away."
"Edward tells me that he loves me and that he isn't going anywhere."
"But you don't believe him."
Bella hugs a pillow to her chest, hoping it will soothe the ache in her heart. "Eventually, he's going to realize that he deserves so much better than a broken recluse. I wouldn't blame him if he left."
Zafrina sets her notebook aside and reaches for Bella's hand. "Imagine if the roles were reversed. Would you leave Edward if he had a little setback?"
"This isn't little, Zafrina," Bella croaks.
"Answer the question."
"No. I love him. But it's not the same."
"How so?"
Bella struggles to find a reason but comes up short. "I don't know."
"The next time you question him just think about being in his shoes. Edward loves you, and he knows that right now you're hurting. Does it affect him? Yes, but that's to be expected, considering being in a relationship takes a lot of work. Sometimes, the weight is shifted, and someone has to take on more than their fair share, but that's love, Bella."
"I feel like he's always taking the brunt."
"Do you remember when Edward came home after his fight with his sister over changing the plans you'd made for Christmas?"
Bella nods.
"So you remember how he came to you, of all people, for love and support. Despite the fact that he scared you, you were still able to give him what he needed and let him lean on you without question."
"I suppose."
"He knew what he was getting into, Bella. Edward doesn't seem like the kind of guy who would waste his time or yours if he wasn't planning on sticking around."
Bella yawns into the back of her hand. "I'm sorry. I don't understand how I can be so tired when all I do is sleep."
"You've had a lot on your mind. You can sleep for days and still be exhausted." Zafrina checks her watch. "I have an appointment, but if you need me, I can call and reschedule."
"No. I'll be fine."
Bella's grateful that Zafrina doesn't push.
Instead, she pulls out her prescription pad. "I'd like to switch out your Xanax for Klonopin, and we're going to try Zoloft again. I'm also prescribing you a mild sleeping pill, but I need you to promise me something."
Bella nods.
"I need you to promise me that you'll call my cell if you feel even the slightest bit off. It's going to take some time for the anti-depressants to work, so I want to hear if there are any major highs or lows."
"Okay."
"I'd also like to put Edward in charge of your medication."
"Zafrina, I'm not suicidal."
"I know, Bella. The thing about sleeping pills on top of anxiety medication is that you can easily get confused and forget whether you've already taken a dose. It's just a precaution."
Bella nods.
"I'll drop these by the pharmacy when I leave, and Edward can pick them up when he gets off work."
"Thank you. So much."
"You're very welcome. I think it would be best if I put you down for weekly appointments for a while."
Bella watches her thumb through her calendar.
"Next Wednesday at three o'clock?"
"I'll be here," Bella mutters.
She follows Zafrina to the door but stands away from the threshold.
"This setback doesn't make you weak, Bella. I want you to try to accept support from your loved ones. Talk to Edward and voice your feelings instead of trying to bottle them up. Journaling might help as well."
"Okay." Bella sighs.
She waits until the woman is gone and engages all the locks.
Edward asked her to let him know when Zafrina left, so Bella grabs her phone and heads upstairs.
Can you please pick up my medications on the way home?
His response is instantaneous, and Bella swallows the guilt that he's probably been watching his phone, waiting for her to text.
Of course, Sugar. Are you feeling better?
A little. I'll see you when you get home
I love you
Bella's eyes fill with tears.
She can't remember the last time she told Edward that she loves him.
I love you so much
Feel free to leave work early
I'll call Angela and stop by the pharmacy
Knowing that Edward hasn't been eating because of the stress she's caused, Bella decides to cook him dinner. Wanting to apologize for the hell she's put him through, food seems like a good place to start.
Bella's just put Edward's favorite soup on to boil when the front door opens.
"Sugar?"
"Kitchen."
He rounds the corner with a giant bouquet, a bag from the pharmacy, and a hopeful smile.
She can't help but jump in his arms, not caring about the beautiful flowers.
"I've missed you, Sugar."
Instead of guilt, Bella feels loved and cared for.
"I've missed you too."
Bella knows she has an uphill battle ahead of her, but she'll worry about that tomorrow.
