C is for concern

It had been three days since Nicky returned from max. Three days and she was already doing her own thing again, already brushing everyone, even Lorna, off with a laugh and a "don't worry about me."

Lorna remembered the first three days she'd been gone as she watched her from across the cafeteria. They'd been a mess of tears and sleepless nights and letters to men who didn't give a damn about her, the "hot girl from prison" they'd been writing to.

Not like Nicky had. Never like Nicky had.

Oh, god. It was those three days that she'd realised how stupid she'd been, pushing Nicky away for doing nothing but...loving her? Lorna paused. The words rolled off of the tongue easily enough, but love? Was it love? Nicky had told her so, yes, but Nicky had also told her a multitude of sins and it wasn't always easy distinguishing the truth from a lie. Lorna's own words often blurred the two together until it was like she was drowning in a murkily mixed lake of honesty and deceit.

Lorna cringed for how long she'd clung to the fantasy of Christopher. Longer than she cared to remember, she thought with a shudder. And Nicky had stuck by her, even when the lies came easily out of her mouth, even when the truth came tumbling out from Christopher's in those harsh heartbreaking words.

But now? Through this?

Lorna knew the heartache to Nicky caused by her. She wasn't callous or cruel but the words always spilled out of her mouth before her mind had the chance to catch up with her. Sometimes she scared herself as the lies freely flowed. Sometimes she was so passionate she even convinced herself. Until, that is, she stared at the ceiling at night, laying on her bunk, the fantasy slowly ebbing away and reality spilling down her cheeks in silent sobs that wracked her whole body. In the morning, she would be alright. Her lipstick would paint a smile on her face, her powder would conceal any redness that the tears had dare to leave.

And Nicky would be waiting for her, just like she always was, ready to see what mischief was waiting for them today. Just like she had on the day she'd disappeared from Lorna's life, slipped from her grasp and taken to max without even the chance of a goodbye. It was in that moment that Lorna had felt her heart clenching like she was never going to breathe again. Now, she had to face losing her again by telling her that she'd gotten married.

So yes, she was concerned about the girl who never said what she was really feeling, who never admitted to needing love, the girl who she so badly wanted to understand because god knows Nicky understood her.

Lorna was concerned that she was going to turn to heroin again.

She was concerned that Nicky would never talk to her again.

She was concerned that Red would lose her daughter again, and it would be too much this time, and that it would be all her fault.

And without wanting to admit it, she was concerned that when she looked into Nicky's eyes, she'd all but forget Vince's name in favor of...well, anything, Nicky had to say.

Lorna took a deep breath and tucked her dark hair behind her ears as she approached Nicky, who leaned against a table. She was cracking a joke to Piper and Boo, a smile fixed on her face though her eyes were tired. Who knew what she had to endure in max? Lorna winced as she considered, not wanting to think about anything like that. Nicky hadn't told her anything, and that was the worst part. Usually, she'd share any stories that she could twist into something humorous. The fact that Nicky had sent out a radio silence about the whole experience was even more worrying for Lorna.

"Hey, Nicky," Lorna said, her voice as even as she could manage. Nicky offered her a smile but doesn't say much, so Lorna takes that as an opportunity to take her away. She hooks Nicky's arm in hers and tugs.

Piper raises her eyebrows. "God, do you two ever give it a rest?" She laughs easily and pokes at her food whilst Lorna rolls her eyes and makes a face. Nicky grins, pushing back her hair as she stares at Lorna. She's confused about why Lorna wanted her, because she was pretty sure it was nothing like Piper was insinuating. Lorna's eyes were worried and dark, but she pushed the negative feelings to the back of her mind and smiles back at her.

"Did you miss me that much, kid?" A rough laugh escapes from her lips but it's an effort to act so easy going when she wanted to hold Lorna's face in her hands and ask what was going on.

"Morello was having far too much fun with her new husband to miss Nichols." C.O Bell barked a laugh from behind the two of them. "At my expense, I'll add. I was the unlucky one who had to chaperone."

Nicky flinched like she'd been slapped, and her glare floated from C.O Bell's face to Lorna, who looked up guiltily at her. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Nicky snaps. If it was a joke, it wasn't a funny one. If it was the truth, then what the fuck was Lorna thinking?

"Nicky, please-" Lorna reached for Nicky's arm, her hand grasping for some form of reassurance. All Nicky felt on her skin was the band of Lorna's ring, and she recoiled like she'd been burned. It was like a punch to the gut. How she hadn't noticed was beyond her, and she stared at the cheap metal band whilst the emotions flashed onto her features. Lorna was powerless to do anything by this point; she knew that whatever Nicky needed to do, she was going to do with or without her.

"Morello," Nicky's tone was terse and she jerked away from the physical comfort that Lorna tried to offer. Nicky's words seemed to fail her and instead she stood in front of Lorna, her eyes crinkling and her forehead creased. "You're a completely crazy bitch, you know that?"

The words aren't like the last time she'd called her crazy. They weren't affectionate. There was no kiss on the forehead after them. There was only contempt in Nicky's brown eyes, and seemingly pure disgust as she walked away, pulling down at her shirt as she left.

Lorna found herself sitting in the chapel later that day, reminiscing over what used to be. She smiled at the memories but it made her heart feel heavy and her eyes well up as she wondered where Nicky was now. If she knew her, she'd be with Red, prepping for dinner. Red would be watching over her carefully, her brow knitting together at Nicky's heavy-handedness with the sharp knives, and telling her softly, "Nicky, malyshka..."

The thought of Nicky needing comfort from her actions made Lorna sob, and the tears flowed quickly. As she let the cries escape her mouth, she felt a hand on her back. "Here, dear," a voice said behind her. A tissue was placed into Lorna's reaching hand, and she blotted at her face with it ineffectually. Sister Ingalls sat next to her quietly, rubbing her back in gentle circles. "Is this about Nicky?"

Lorna nodded. "How did you know?" She sniffed the air, her posture straightening slightly with intrigue.

"God tells me what I need to know." Sister said with a smile. When Lorna frowned, clearly alarmed, Sister Ingalls chuckled softly. "That, and Nicky was in here earlier, staring at the exact same spot you were. Is that special somehow to you?"

Lorna nodded absently, her cheeks tingeing red. She wasn't going to explain to a nun why the chapel was special to her and Nicky, it didn't bear thinking about the reaction. "You could say so," she said. "I'm just so worried about her. I didn't want her to find out about Vince like that."

"Did you want her to find out at all?" Sister asked kindly. When Lorna failed to reply, she nodded. "Hmm. Well, dear, the essence of love is concern." Lorna stared for a moment before bursting into tears all over again.

"But I love Vince," she said through her tears. Sister Ingalls nodded, though it wasn't convincing. "I married him. Don't you believe in the sanctity of marriage?"

"Of course I do," Sister said. "But being in prison has taught me that not everything is about rules and regulations, ironic as that may be. Being happy is the most important thing. Are you happy?" When Lorna fails to answer again, Sister continued, "Is Nicky happy?"

Lorna shook her head miserably. "I don't know how to make her happy."

"What about you?" Sister pushed on. "What makes you happy?"

"I don't know," Lorna admitted tearfully. "It's been awhile."

"Think back: when was the last time you felt truly happy? Truly content?" Lorna considered for a moment, before a smile appeared on her face without even her wanting it to. "Ah ha. That's the moment, whatever you were just thinking of. What was it? Where were you?"

"Oh," Lorna said. "Well...I was very close to God," she said.

"Ah, your wedding day." Sister Ingalls nodded as Lorna started guiltily.

"Actually, no."

The day Lorna had been thinking about wasn't long ago. Three days ago, to be exact. Nicky had returned from max and they'd met in the chapel. It hadn't been like the other times, yet they felt closer than they ever had before.

On the floor, the two girls entwined their fingers together. The chapel brought back memories and also gave their reunion an ethereal atmosphere. Their foreheads leaned against one another's and they stared into each other's eyes. There wasn't much said between them. "I missed you."

"I missed you too." Lorna said. All of her worries about Nicky returning had dissipated as soon as she stared into those eyes, and she ran her fingers down Nicky's side and stomach. Their closeness after all this time was almost overwhelming for Nicky, who had missed Lorna more than she'd ever care to admit. It was her she craved at night as she heard the other inmates screaming and crying and doing all sorts of things that never would have happened up the hill. "I didn't know if you were coming back."

Nicky swallowed hard. "Neither did I." Her voice wavered as she said that and Lorna knew she had been close to her breaking point. She just prayed and hoped that whatever had happened down the hill, it hadn't been Nicky falling off the wagon. She couldn't bear the thought of getting her back and losing her to those fucking drugs again.

"You're back now, it's okay. You're with me." Lorna said to her. She attempted a smile as she pushed Nicky's hair back gently, her fingers lingering against Nicky's temple.

"I know." Nicky smiled, though it was an effort. "Isn't it always?"

"It was three days ago."

"When Nicky came back," Sister Ingalls confirmed with a sigh. Lorna nodded. "I think you need to talk to her."

Later that day, Lorna had finally found Nicky. As Lorna suspected, she had spent the day with Red, who have Lorna a pointed look when she came looking for her. "She doesn't need any help to hit self destruct," Red reminded her. "Okay?"

"I know," Lorna said quietly. "Where is she?"

With a sigh and after a moment of hesitation, Red pointed her knife in the direction of her office. From inside the room, Nicky's voice rang out, loud and sarcastic. "Thanks, Ma." Lorna couldn't help but smile at Nicky.

"Nicky, come on." Lorna opened the little gate to Red's office with a shove. "We've been apart for ages. Do you really to be arguing now?"

"It's not an argument. I can't win. You're married." Nicky spat the words out venomously and Lorna cringed. Then Lorna laughed though Nicky frowned.

"You're too competitive for your own good. Not everything's about winning, you know. Just be happy." Lorna echoed the words of Sister Ingalls.

"How am I supposed to do that?" Nicky whispered. Lorna took her hand, rubbing her thumb on Nicky's hand.

"You're back from max. You're clean." I hope, Lorna added silently. "We've got each other and the family. Nicky, I'm not going anywhere. Okay? If that's what you're concerned about...then don't be. I'm not leaving."

"Of course you're not. It's prison." Nicky scoffed, though her whole demeanor softened. "Do you mean that?" Nicky added quietly.

Lorna nodded. "Of course I do. Things don't have to change, Nicky. They're not going to." Nicky wondered what Lorna's logic was behind this statement, but was too tired and too glad to hear it to argue about it.

"Good." With that, Lorna slid down into Nicky's lap on the chair she was sitting on. Nicky's hands immediately entwined with Lorna's.

It had been three days since Nicky returned from max. Three days and they were already slipping back into old habits, three days and they still had so much catching up to do.

Lorna wasn't going to concern herself with the technicalities of it all. For now, she was happy just being with Nicky - just like always.

Please leave a review and tell me what you think and of course what you want to see in future chapters. I will be taking suggestions but I got caught up in my own little world for this one, which I hope you enjoyed reading.