H is for hallucination
Hallucination - as defined by the Oxford English Dictionary, a hallucination is "an experience involving the apparent perception of something not present." Synonyms include fantasy, mirage, daydream, and delusion.
She loves you.
That's the thought that flashed through Lorna's mind as Nicky held her as she cried. Later, as she stared at the ceiling in bed that night, it galloped through her mind like a herd of wild horses. She shook her head at the nothingness, into the darkness that engulfed the dorms at lights out.
No, she doesn't.
"Nobody's gonna love me."
"I do."
The conversation played back in her head. Did she really? Lorna pulled at her hair, her teeth gritted under the covers. Her head span as the words echoed, over and over and over. Had she even said it? Or was that just yet another fantasy that she'd pulled from nowhere? Had she tricked herself, again? Her eyes snapped open in the dark. She had wanted someone who looked at her like she hung the moon. Now, with how frazzled her head felt, she thought that if she had long enough, she could convince herself that she really had. And who was gonna love that? How could she expect anyone to even put up with it?
Like a child plucking the petals off of a daisy, "she loves me" and "she loves me not" alternated through her head with every breath. Everything pointed to a happy ending - or, at least, as happy of an ending that prison ever could bring. But as Lorna's breath faltered, another sob hitching at the back of her throat, she reminded herself that it always did with her.
When she was a little girl, she'd been called a daydreamer. Her teachers would sigh and remind her that she was there to learn her ABCs, not pine over the princes she'd left behind in her storybooks at home. Her home life left so much to be desired that she'd lose herself in fiction, in the idea that one day, she could be happier than her parents ever seemed to be.
In high school, every boyfriend became The One and every promise ring that adorned her finger was proudly showed to everyone she passed. Bobby and Chad and Scott and David, all high school boyfriends that she'd loved with every part of her. So much so that she felt that she had nothing left of her by the time she graduated.
With Christopher, it had actually happened - and oh! she was so happy. She felt whole again. Her heart thumped when he looked at her. When their hands had touched, she just knew! It all played through her head. The white wedding dress, the hum of the wedding march under her breath as she flicked through the magazines, the idea that her father would give her away to someone better than he'd ever be…
It all came crashing down when the prison cell bars slammed behind her, leaving her cold and alone.
But there, she met someone who made her heart sing, and made her feel like she was worth something..and without her twisting the truth. The first time she'd met Nicky, she'd been surprised at how easily the lies had fallen from her mouth as the blonde hit on her.
"Hey, doll," Nicky had said, a smirk plastered on her face. "Wanna have a good time?"
"Sorry, honey," Lorna said, a giggle escaping as Nicky's hand slid down her waist. "I'm getting married." The lie made her heart skip a beat. But in here there was no Franny to roll her eyes and remind Lorna what had really happened. No disappointed glares from a mother who wanted more for her youngest daughter. No father who slammed his fist on the table, fury radiating from his core. There was only women who lapped up the romantic tale she was spinning, and begged to hear more about her dress.
"You are?" Nicky asked, glancing around. "I don't see any confetti."
Lorna's ever present scarlet smile faltered for the briefest moment. "When I get outta here, I mean…" She took a breath, brown eyes sparkling. "Christopher's waitin' for me. I'm the luckiest girl in the world."
Nicky's eyes scanned Lorna from her head to her toes. Despite Lorna's insistence, her hand didn't move and Lorna didn't ask her to move it.
"You could be," Nicky agreed, the smirk not fading. Lorna prickled with annoyance - but had to admit that the tendrils of hair tickling her neck as Nicky leaned closer felt nice...nicer than any boy's hand groping at her blindly. "Just let me know if you get bored, kid."
Lorna's heart was beating fast, and her mouth suddenly felt dry. She stepped back and nodded. "I will," she promised, turning to leave.
And a few weeks later, after much pestering from the blonde, she finally had.
"You know anything good to do around here?" Lorna asked, shyness creeping into her voice as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
Nicky looked up from her lunch. She let the spoon drop onto the tray, an eyebrow quirking up curiously. "In prison?"
"Uh-huh." Lorna nodded. She slid down next to Nicky, resting her chin on her hand. "You know anything?"
Nicky paused for a moment. She pushed her tray away and leaned on her elbows. A lopsided grin appeared on her face. "Are you saying you're bored?"
It was funny to think that years had passed since that first meeting. Despite the tears trailing down her face, Lorna smiled fondly at the memory. She could almost feel the kisses being planted down her collarbone and the cool breeze coming through the old chapel windows, even now. It was even weirder to consider that this was her longest relationship. Her strongest relationship. The one that had always been there for her, even when her head was all over the place. Especially when her head was all over the place.
But she couldn't trust herself. Any thoughts of a happy ending, she banished from her mind. This was prison. Prison! There were no happy endings here. Once they left, they'd never see each other again. Nicky wouldn't wait up for her crazy ass. They'd both leave here and she'd go back home, and Nicky would go back to her glamorous life, back to her travels, maybe even Bora Bora Bora...all without her.
No, any fairytale that Lorna had imagined with Nicky and a happy ending was just that - an invention, a hallucination of a life she'd invented in her head. As much as she wanted it, it was only her mind tricking her. She didn't deserve the happiness it would bring her, she thought, as she snuggled into her pillow. But, she reasoned, as her eyes closed and her mind filled with thoughts of the blonde, she could always dream.
Hey! I hope you liked this chapter. Thanks to CoffeeWritingAddiction for the suggestion - always feel free to leave me suggestions for letters, I'm always looking for them!
Please leave a review telling me what you thought. Hope you're well. Looking forward to the trailer later today!
- Star xo
