So I Got a Story About RWBY – Chapter 3 – The Thirdening

Team RWBY fights alongside all the other students at Beacon. The youths try their best staving off the hordes of Grimm attacking the school, battling evil Salem-troopers from the future, as well as crossing swords with the White Fang. Amidst the chaos is Blake Belladonna, who back-flips several times to nearly escape an explosion. She staggers back a bit upon her landing, touching butts with Yang. They acknowledge each other, but then dodge away in opposite directions in unison. The young Ursa (who hates Yang) belly-flops into the ground where the couple once stood, missing his targets. Blake and Yang are ready to face off with the grim with very little brain, but realize they have been flanked.

Standing behind them was none other than Adam Taurus, the White Fang's signature samurai boy, and champion of woman-hitting. "Adam!" Blake exclaims to establish that the bull faunus is a long-time adversary of hers, an anime protagonist. Blake fires several shots with Gambol Shroud's gun mode. Adam doesn't dodge, nor block with his sword. The bullets instead merely ricochet off of his crotch, causing his Vergil hair to glow red. Now he was motivated. "What's this?!" queer-ied Blake.

Adam cackled with a snort. "You see, Blake, my powers have evolved." He grabs his crotch and strikes a Michael Jackson pose. "By channeling my power this way I can finally weaponize my toxic masculinity!" His true semblance power was no longer Moonslice, but rather Internalized Misogyny. The bull spins like a top. An outstretched flashing red blade shape cuts through the air, the origin seemingly being his groin. Blake is not fast enough to dodge it, and is sent spinning backwards with a slap to the face.

Yang gasped after witnessing Adam's energized man prosthesis in action. She wanted to help Blake, but was stopped by the Ursa bear-hugging her. Yang was in pain, but couldn't help recognize the pun and utter "Nice." The strain was so over-bearing that she couldn't find her bearing, and she could not longer bear the weight of these bear puns. "This is seriously unbearable." she exclaimed, hating herself the moment the words left her mouth. Her self-hatred activated her Semblance, causing her hair to ignite. The Ursa was forced to let go due to Yang burning at the touch. His Black Sun shirt was now ruined forever with scorch marks, and a replacement would take years to find back in stock at the RoosterTeeth online store.

Adam stares at the smoldering remains of the Ursa's shirt. "Black Sun wasn't a ship I cared for, but I sympathize with its fans. You took away my ship too, Yang."

Blake, still on the ground, raised her head. "Please don't compare Tauradonna to Black Sun." she complained.

"Why not?" asked Adam. "Their death came at the hands of the same murderer: The Gay Agenda." Adam points at Blake. "Tell me, Blake, why are you gay?!"

Blake shrugs, still prone on the ground. "I don't know. Boys are hot. Girls are hot too."

"Damn it!" Adam cursed, bawling up his fist. "She's got a point. Girls are hot!"

"Even I could've told you that." said Jinn, who was here to say exactly one line in this story.

Adam was embarrassed. He desperately needed a strong point to feel validated in his deep seeded hatred and assholery. He springs up, and points to the horizon. Standing there is Jacques Schnee, stating: "I'm here to commit Faunus racism." The universe dictates that all of Adam's behavior was to be excused in its entirety because of this irrefutable evidence. Adam grins, wielding a victim card in his hand.

Blake and Yang gasped, knowing what power the madman now possessed. Adam plays the card on his duel disk and unleashes a wave of energy. The two girls promptly avoid the attack. In the background stood Winter Schnee, who was completely unaware of the projectile heading in her direction. She was illuminated by a surge of light surging around her. "NO! My white guilt!" she screamed. She collapsed onto the floor, unable to resist the overwhelming force that attacked her very soul.

"Another one bites the dust." Adam jeered.

Blake pounced on Adam like a feline would and proceeded to pound his face in over and over exclaiming "Stop ruining Queen for me!" The cadence of her punches could be synchronized with the beat of Another One Bites the Dust, as discovered by Shopkeep whom was just passing by. He stared at the beating before him with headphones over his ears, approvingly nodding at the vengeful violence being committed. He smiled and punched the air in sequence with Blake and the Queen song before moving on with his day.


Safe enough away from the battlefield sat Salem, slouching in a chair casually while eating a burrito and watching the carnage unfold. The burrito was certainly what she was craving but the one she picked up from the fast food place made a particularly bland one that tasted like it's been sitting out for a while. Incompetent customer service, another reason humanity needed to be destroyed. A Salem-trooper approached, ready to deliver a report on the current battle. "Speak" she said with her mouth mostly full.

The trooper saluted, then spoke "Unfortunate news, my goddess, Adam Taurus is currently getting the beat down of his life."

"What else is new?" replied Salem with a slightly jaded tone.

"Well ma'am, Cinder wanted you to see this." the trooper said while handing her a letter.

"Tardy again I see." stated Salem while opening the envelope. "Let's see here…'Hey boss, yadda-yadda-yadda, busy buying more thigh-high leggings and a giant nail file for my monster hand…' Pfft. I'm about to file down your paycheck you lazy girl." She annoyedly discards the letter by tossing it over her shoulder. "This day couldn't possibly get any worse…"

The trooper raises his finger "Actually, ma'am."

"I was joking." she complained while turning her head to him.

The trooper cleared his throat, "It appears one of your colored robes somehow got washed in with your bed sheets."

Salem reeled back and sank into her chair, letting out an exhausted groan. Her beautiful sheets, most likely dyed pink overnight. A thought that made her want to dye the battle field red. Her day had been ruined within the span of a minute. "Can something please go right today?!" she complained while throwing her arms up in a fit.

The trooper perked up "Oh, well it just so happens that the local supermarket carries those little lemon cookies you like. The ones that we weren't able to find anywhere that used to be around about five years ago but disappeared out of nowhere."

"Oh." she said, sounding pleasantly surprised.


While Adam lay defeated on the battlefield, the heroes at Beacon had much more to worry about beyond one Adam Bullman. Salem troopers from the future, standard Grimm, and big kaiju Grimm line the horizon. The forces of evil encroach upon the area, a dire situation for our protagonists. "What should we do?" asked Pyrrha, who is in this story now. The timeline in this battle was very off.

Ruby, obviously the leader, brainstormed a strategy to win against the impossible odds. She begins to bark orders to her friends with a finger pointed at each one. "Nora, you take the five hundred on the left. Ren, do nothing useful the whole fight. Yang and Blake, stop kissing. It's gross. Oscar, go get character development off-screen. Pyrrha, go one-man-army this biz and die in blaze of glory! And Jaune, change your hair back please."

"No…banana." Jaune retorted while brushing his Volume 7 banana hair lightly with his hand.

"Wait a minute." Blake said. "Something's not right." She walks forward and pulls Ruby's face off, revealing that it was a mask. It was none other than Neo all along! The protagonists gasp.

"But if you're Neo than how did you talk?" questioned Yang.

Emerald and Mercury pop into existence next to the group. "Mind illusions." answered Emerald.

"Pranked." Mercury said while high-fiving Emerald.

"Your face is a prank!" snapped Nora. Mercury gasped, and then screamed as he was erased from reality by Nora's insult.

Emerald, abruptly wishing to avenge her guy friend, recruits the help of Neo to defeat the protags. Together their illusion powers combine and create the Illusion Fusion: Nemrald. She appears as a visual fusion of both Emerald and Neo, and possesses a dangerous combination of extreme thirst for Cinder Fall and loving dedication to Roman Torchwick (Cinoman Torchfall?). The fusion stands as a formidable nemesis, containing the combined might and then some of the two illusion villains. She eats some Neapolitan ice cream in front of the heroes, intimidating them with her unrestrained cannibalism.

"That is hardcore." Nora commented. "She ate the chocolate part too which makes it like…50% more cannibalism."

"I…guess?" replied Ren. There was no time to ponder this thought though. Nemerald was ready to go on the attack. She strikes a sexy pose that emphasizes her features, spurring legions of fans to produce fan art of her. Numerous pages flood the area, creating a dense obscuration.

Jaune twinges, and falls to the floor. "Nngh! My…body is objectifying her. The…internal misogyny…must've come back."

"Control your PP!" yelled Ren.

"Looks like we have to stop her!" asserted Nora. To her dismay she notices Blake and Yang, who are also convulsing on the ground. Their gay feelings were no match for Nemerald. Now it was up to NPR to save the day. Try as they may, the three of them were unable to fight through the dense walls of artwork flooding in.

Pyrrha swung her sword, failing to cut through the unrelenting paper-thin sheets. "It's no use!" she exclaimed.

"Wait!" Nora said. "I have an idea. Pyrrha, eat this burger!" Pyrrha stows her weapons away, unwraps the burger, and takes a big bite out of the beefy sandwich.

"Like this?" she queried. Her innocence and cuteness while eating a burger created a peerlessly wholesome image. The Nemerald artwork slowly faded away, and instead flooded in new artwork of wholesome burger Pyrrha. Such a powerful image restored the strength of Jaune and Blake. Yang unfortunately didn't recover because she's a big pervert.

"What?! No!" shouted Nemerald as she disappeared into the Pyrrha fan art. In a moment the sheets of artwork stopped appearing, revealing the defeated and burgerless duo of Neo and Emerald.


Oscar Pine sat nervously next to Salem. When Ruby told him to go develop offscreen he didn't expect to end up in this situation. Salem was laughing and eating lemon cookies casually while the boy sat hostage. "So anyways, that was the two-hundredth time I turned my ex-husband into a glass trophy." Salem guffawed.

"Uh, huh…" Oscar replied. "So um, can I go now?" he asked.

Salem put her hand on his shoulder "Oho no, sweetie. I still gotta disintegrate you and turn your ashes into a glass trophy." She gave him a little shake. "Ooh this is going to be so much fun!" she said excitedly. Oscar made an a thousand-yard-stare, reflecting on his life up until this point and processing his soon to be death. He decided to have a brain conversation with Ozpin.

"Great. I'm gonna die here and all this is going to be your fault." he said angrily.

Ozpin, whose form appears as a small representation of himself, shrugged "Hey, don't look at me. You chose to listen to the fake Ruby."

"I didn't know she was a fake! Besides, the 'development' was supposed to happen off-screen." Oscar replied, still angry.

Ozpin put his hands on his hips. "Well maybe you're just not developing then. Look at you not being good at following orders."

"Just kill me now." Oscar said out loud.

"Now, now Oscar. Patience. That comes later." Salem replied. She puts a lemon cookie in Oscar's mouth and carries him away. Salem, holding him up like a child, lets him gaze at the battlefield. "Now we get to see humanity fall." she said in a tone-ally inappropriate speaking-to-a-child voice. Oscar said nothing, silently wishing for death.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" exclaimed a booming voice.

Salem turns and happens upon the sight of Weiss, the Queen of Violence, who appeared heroically to save the day. "Ah, so it is you, the legendary Lord of Lawlessness."

Weiss adjusted her crown. "Well met, Baron of Beeswax." The strong female characters were staring each other down. Sparks were about to go flying in this battle!

They fight, they fight, and then they fought. Salem threw cookies at Weiss, but the heiress was too skilled at this overly-specific ability of eating cookie projectiles thanks to a certain red-caped totally-not-best-friend of hers (whom is still a carpet sitting in their dorm room at this moment). Salem was irked, and threw Oscar directly at Weiss in an improvised attack. Catching projectile-ified boys was unfortunately a skill she wasn't proficient in, and one skill she did not ever want to be good at.

"Ow." Weiss said after being clobbered by Oscar's soaring body.

Salem, stood over Weiss, nearly victorious. "Hahahaha!" she laughed evily. "Well well well, Monarch of Mediocrity, it appears I win." It was over. The heroes have suffered a disastrous blow to their forces. With Weiss pinned down by Oscar's unconscious body there was nothing to stop Salem from enacting her destruction of humanity.

Suddenly, a stray banana splats Salem in the face. Her skin burns at the touch. Bananas, Salem's one weakness, had foiled her plans once again. Standing heroically was Jaune, who was missing a single lock of hair. The camera zooms in on his face, ready for his cool one-liner. "Banana." he said. This mild inconvenience was enough to force Salem to retreat, winning the day for the protagonists. Jaune, a descendant of ancient banana haired warriors sworn to defeat Salem, proudly stood as the hero of the day instead of the actual protagonists. The bad guys, despite vastly out-numbering the heroes' forces and could easily overpower them, went home because the script says they lost.

"I guess that's it." said Ren, unaware that his line would be the last in the whole chapter.