Chapter Six: Remember to Forget
Shepard tensed as the the Normandy VI scanned her within the airlock. Coming fresh off the dock after just landing at the Citadel, Garrus and Ryder stood at her side, respecting the silence she maintained. As the trio entered the bridge, Shepard hardly acknowledged Pressly being relieved. She was already fast moving to the captain's quarters.
"Hey, didn't you guys just leave?" Joker called out from the cockpit.
"Shepard needed to go over some mission reports. We'll be out of your hair in a second, Joker." Ryder said, managing to come up with an impromptu cover story.
Joker spun back to his view of the Citadel, "You don't have to do me any favors, Ryder. I'm just catching some shut eye." He finished saying as he tilted his cap forward and closed his eyes.
Taking Ryder off to the side, Garrus spoke to him in hushed tones. "Scott, I'm not... the best when it comes to human... well, anything really. But I don't know how to feel about leaving Shepard on her own after what just happened."
Ryder nodded his head, acknowledging his Turian friend's concern. "I'll talk to her."
"Good." Garrus replied. "I'll just... be here if you need me."
Still in full gear, Ryder followed after Shepard down into the stairwell and past the mess hall. The crew hadn't noticed anything out of place with the Commander's rapid return and retreat to her cabin. Ryder made the effort to make his knocking on Shepard's door as routine as possible, nodding to several crew members as they passed by.
"Shepard?" He called through the door. "Can I come in?"
He heard the Commander approach the door, still locked. Her tired voice spoke volumes, "It's not... not the best time, Ryder."
"I know." He agreed. "That's why I'm here... if that's alright..."
A small beep preceded the door sliding open. Shepard had already walked back to her desk, helmet removed and left by her bedside. On her terminal, images had been brought up of what Ryder assumed was a colony out in the Attican Traverse. The images fluctuated between normal and what looked like the aftermath of a war at the same location.
"Shepard..." Ryder began. "Are you okay?"
"I just needed to clear my head." She explained.
Scott ensured the door behind him was shut. "I know it's not Alliance procedure but-"
"I'm not one for procedure." Shepard finished for him. "I did say that, didn't I?" She turned in her chair and motioned for him to sit on the bed opposite her. "I'm a bit of a mess right now, Scott."
"I think that's a little unfair." He assured her as he sat. "You just talked down a woman from taking her own life."
"She deserved better than what she got."
"That goes for you too." Ryder insisted. "I always see you ready to put yourself on the line for people. You don't give yourself the same time of day."
"How can I?" Shepard questioned. "Between hunting Saren, running this ship, and being the Alliance poster child for survival against the odds; when exactly am I supposed to fit in 'me time?'"
Ryder pushed, "That doesn't mean you're not worth the effort. Look, I've seen you in action. I know you're not the type to break easy. But I've seen you cope down the barrel of a rifle. What happens when we're out of things to shoot?"
"That's a good question." Shepard stated. "I suppose I'll have to go back to my therapist and see if I'm unfit for duty."
"Sam, I'm being serious."
"So am I." Shepard responded. She moved her chair to allow Ryder a view of her terminal. "These are images of Mindoir, before and after the attack. I have to remind myself they're real or else... I'll forget."
"I don't follow." Scott said as he tracked the shifting slideshow.
"I told you when I joined the Alliance, I didn't want to be nothing." Shepard recalled. "I thought if I forgot what happened at Mindoir, that I wouldn't ever be able to make up for it."
"But it wasn't your fault."
"No, it wasn't." She agreed. "But every day I'm out there is another chance I can prevent another Mindoir."
Ryder pulled the Commander to her feet with a comforting touch. "Sam, you're human, not a machine. Using Mindoir as a memory to do good; that's inspiring. But weighing yourself down until you drown; that's suicide."
Samantha offered a weary smile, "That's the thing about memories, Scott, they're not perfect. I know mine aren't. Past the trauma and loss; all I see is what could've been. It's the only way I know how to see myself through it."
"What about just being alive, Sam?" Scott asked, quick to continue. "Forcing yourself to remember every detail, that can't be living."
"There are aliens with near perfect memory, Scott. They seem to be alright."
"And are you?" He prompted her. "Is this what you want?"
Shepard glanced back at her terminal, struggling to not to break eye contact. "It's not... but what I wanted stop mattering a long time ago."
"Not while I'm around." Scott scolded her as he proceeded to shut off her terminal.
"What are you doing?"
"Helping you forget." He said simply.
"Ryder-" Shepard tried to say with some amount of seniority.
"Consider me your reality check." He told her while blocking the path to the terminal. "If you need a reminder that bad things happen in the galaxy; I'm happy to oblige."
"And how are you going to do that?"
"By reminding you that for every bad situation we've come across... you've fixed it." Ryder clarified.
Shepard was taken back by the statement, trying to reason with him. "Be real, Scott. There are millions of people out there."
"I'll pick up the slack for any stragglers."
Staring down Scott, she couldn't believe just how fast she had about forgotten the images on the terminal. With a few words, she felt herself recognize the burden she wore. And yet, with just one person telling her to put it down, it already felt lighter. But she was his Commander, it should've been reversed.
Shepard had to fight off the smile from his last comment before addressing him with her usual authority. "Ryder, what about you want? I'm not pulling you into my problems."
"What I want is to be right where I'm standing." He replied confidently. "With all the good you do, the least I can do is help you do it."
Desperate for the support but still clinging to her selfless mandate, she folded her arms. "Are you sure this is what you want? There are better ways to spend your time."
"I'm sure." He repeated before adding something to lighten the mood. "Plus... I like seeing you smile."
Caught off guard, Shepard felt her blood begin moving throughout her face. Not one to be outdone, she retaliated with a wicked smirk. "Then I guess you better get back to work, Specialist."
"Right away, ma'am." He said as he delivered a loose salute. "I'll just wait by the bridge."
As he exited, Shepard considered looking back into the terminal again. The light flutter in her chest fought off the inclination as she retrieved her helmet from the floor. Securing the helmet onto her suit, Samantha felt herself move with renewed purpose. While the scars and memories remained stained into place, she felt a faint warmth envelope the pit in her heart where they slept. She couldn't truly forget them. But she could try and remember what it was like to simply live.
Hello! Just figured I'd put a quick update on things here. I meant for there to be about ten chapters but felt the need for this scene aboard the Normandy as well (hence why it's shorter than some of the others) so it'll probably be closer to eleven chapters for the story now, assuming I don't feel the temptation to add another chapter again. I just felt like Ryder and Shepard needed this scene before things developed further in their relationship and I didn't have the space to drop it into any other chapters.
It's been interesting to take two characters that the player is supposed to impose personalities on and have them form this relationship. If I'm being honest, it feels a little self indulgent. However, it's helped to view Ryder as just another companion for Shepard to recruit and watch what type of role he would play in her entourage. Like many video game protagonists, Shepard to me, has always had this ability to raise others up in some way. In this instance, I see Ryder as someone who could flip that on her and allow her a chance to breathe as a character more (similar to how Liara asks how Shepard is doing after Lair of the Shadow Broker dlc. A small moment but great for roleplaying).
Thanks so much for anyone reading or leaving a review, it's always appreciated and means a ton.
