We're quiet at the campfire this night. Our routine to set up camp needs no words any more. Noriko is still waiting for me to have the words she needs to hear. I'm still not willing nor able to give them to her. I've practiced all my life to never say them. I can't cross that boundary.
Noriko spends the time after dinner and before bed working with the fabric she bought. When she comes to me to measure for lengths, we both are very uncomfortable with the contact and nearness of the other. She returns to the opposite side of the fire and I sit to wish yet again that none of this had been handed to me as the path of my life.
I also wish it hadn't been handed to Noriko. What she wants to hear from me would also make her sad, as sad as she is that things have changed between us because she's learned things I didn't want her to. She puts herself to bed early, still not saying anything.
I don't answer the part of me that's both happy and relieved there's finally distance between us - distance that will allow me to leave her behind properly when we arrive at Gaya's. It's for the best, it whispers. The little boy scowls and hates that side of me.
I close my eyes and also wish I could sleep to not have to be part of this fight inside of me. It's almost as hard to face as the silent one between Noriko and I.
-o-o-o-
Traveling together this last distance has been hard. I've been using the space between us to reinforce my determination to leave her behind. She doesn't want to see me turned into Destruction, nor does she wish to be used that way by others. I don't wish to destroy her, nor the rest of the world. It's far past time we separated so that we can fight our destinies properly.
Yet, I'm constantly in turmoil at these thoughts. The calm of just being together is gone. Every time Noriko becomes irritable, she begins to open her mouth, then stops, clamps her lips firmly together, and turns away to sorrow.
It's because I can only look at her with eyes that fear the question, so much that even the Teacher can't speak. Not to persuade, not to scold, not to try to answer it for herself. I feel no triumph. I don't like to make her sorrow. It hurts to not be trusted any more.
-o-o-o-
Noriko has completed the jacket for me and the overdress for her, but that isn't all she intends. She'll embroider them as well. That's hard on the back of the horse, so she's first trying to put it on a bandanna she sewed. That's how I know embroidery is hard to do on the back of a horse.
The sewing was simple. The embroidery has to be done with detailed attention to where the needle enters the fabric. She pricks her finger yet again and sighs in frustration. Her hands go to her lap to hold the handwork loosely. She relaxes and sits quietly.
My ears pick up sounds of men, concerned, then one of them cries out. I turn my head and then the horse. We don't need witnesses who know our faces, but we're too strained just the two of us. Work I may be paid for and company to distract us are perhaps better.
Noriko puts her handwork away, quietly preparing as always to assist me in whatever small way she can. It's one of the small things I love about her. I want to put my head down on her shoulder and tell her everything, to change the distance between us, but that will not change our destiny.
When we're close, I can tell there are too many monsters for me to take her and the horse into, and I slow us down. Noriko reaches for the reins. "Izark, I do horse. You run." I'm not sure I want to leave her alone. She takes the reins and pushes on me. She isn't afraid, and has learned the use her knife sufficiently well. If she's on the horse she can run from the monsters if they come this far.
The cries of the men are full of fear. I slip off the horse but look at her so I can see her face, to be sure she'll be okay. "I will follow," she promises. I nod and run forward, going quickly.
In the near distance are four men, trying to fend off and run from giant insect monsters. The road they're traveling on passes at the feet of hills. The sun has set enough the shadow of the hills falls on the road. The shadow insects have woken and moved off the hill to find food, and the men count. We'll count as well. I frown, not wanting this, and not understanding why the shadow insects are in this area. This area is populated and tended. The shadow insects don't like areas like this.
I pause just close enough to the road to use an energy blow to knock back the shadow insects so the men can get more distance. One of the men sees me and cries out, asking for help when he sees my sword. I move up to run with them and negotiate my fee.
They promise to pay me when we reach the next hill over where there is a barn and house that one of the men uses when they come to harvest plants in this area. They plan on staying there tonight, now that the shadow insects have shown themselves. They invite me to stay with them as well. I don't comment on that. They don't know I have Noriko with me.
"I have another client I'm working with as well, coming behind me," I tell them. They should know that much. "I came ahead when I heard your cries. I'm escorting her to her aunt's house."
Their eyebrows rise to hear it's a woman, but they're more interested in saving their lives. I turn and blow back shadow insects from behind us with a sword blow that contains energy. The wind tells me that Noriko is close enough now to see us, and she's no longer on the horse. My heart sinks a little. She won't be able to run to escape. Still, she seems determined to work her way back to my side.
After moving forward for a time, I hear Noriko call, "Izark, behind you! More monsters!"
I glance over my shoulder. The shadows between the two hills have deepened and the shadow insects are coming out in large numbers, larger than I've ever seen. What's happened to this place?
Noriko runs across the road, having been following it but farther from us and the shadow insects chasing us. She lures away the shadow insects that would have trapped us just long enough for us to pass them. I blow away that set once again, frustrated that I can't kill them. They're too large and too strong and I don't want to have the physical changes that would give me away to the men.
I blow away the ones closest to Noriko. In one leap I'm next to her. I wrap an arm around her middle and leap again to set her down behind the men on the road. Then they're all running as fast as they can and I'm keeping shadow insects back.
There's a cry behind me and I turn to see one of the men wounded by a shadow insect that came from an unexpected location. I pick him up and take care of the shadow insect. Noriko begins to tire and I take the bags on her shoulders from her. When even that isn't enough, and the shadow insects are as many in front as behind, I ask how much longer we have to go. I can't hold the wounded man, Noriko, and use my powers, and she is flagging.
The man who knows points up on the hill to the house we can see from here and everyone tries harder. I move to the front eventually so that we can pass through the shadow insects and we finally are at the door. It's opened and we all fall through it and it's slammed shut.
I set the wounded man down and turn just in time for another man to scream. I want to cut him. There's nothing in this building to harm anyone. "The aromatic stones ...we need the aromatic stones to burn to keep the shadow insects away from the house... but I left them in the barn!"
"I can get them," I say. They protest. "I can do energy attacks that will keep the shadow insects away long enough for me to fetch them. You'll have to open the door all the way so I don't destroy it, and close it immediately when I leave."
One nods and prepares. I get ready, then say, "Now!" He opens the door wide and I unleash an energy attack. The shadow insects that were on the door and around it are blown back. I run quickly through the gap and the door is slammed behind me. I glare at the shadow insects and see if I can intimidate them. They are unimpressed, only thinking of how hungry they are.
Here I don't have witnesses. I change to increase my power and send out a wave of energy that blasts those closest to me back. In that way I make my way to the barn and find the aromatic stones. Once I have them, I pull one out of the bag and light it with my fire power. The shadow insects pull back. I put one lit stone in each holder for them around the barn, then hold a lit one over my palm to walk safely to the house where I place them on the holders there.
When I'm back in the house again, they've given simple treatment to the man who was injured, putting him in one of the beds of this open one-room house. I'm not happy we'll all have to sleep on the floor here, but I can't take Noriko out until morning and the sun sends the shadow insects back to their places of hiding.
As dinner is prepared she and I become the focus of curiosity. I've already told them what I want them to know, but like Noriko warned might happen, the men choose to believe their own stories in their heads. To them, we're also a couple that's eloped. I can't hold down the blush, which is at least half anger, and that makes them decide it's truth.
I turn the topic to what the political atmosphere is here, wanting to know if Gaya's home will be safe for Noriko, and if we'll be allowed to pass through the land to get there.
"We heard that a rebel army had taken refuge on the mountain and the Kemil troops have taken over the town below," one man says. My heart falls. We're too close to the capital city, then. It may not work out.
"That's right. You guys were taking the mountain trails to avoid soldiers. I heard that some of the soldiers were looters. They're pretty nasty guys."
"Yeah! This guy could handle them," he's referencing me, "but it might make trouble for him later on..."
"Since you're with your wife, you have to be careful." This one nods knowingly.
I try to set them straight one more time. "I'm telling you, she's my client!" They still won't listen.
The wounded man is sitting up, recovered somewhat. He's looking out the window where the sounds of the shadow insects is distant. "Those things usually stay in the marshland over the mountain and never come this way."
"That's why we came out to pick the vegetables and camp overnight. We didn't think we'd have to worry about them." Even these men find it strange the shadow insects are here and so many of them.
The wounded man continues, "You know ...people are seeing a lot of strange things these days. They say it's happening everywhere. You know the flower insects in the Sea of Trees? My dad told me he never saw anything like them when he was a kid. Wars have become daily events, too. Something's very wrong these days."
I'm surprised that his father would know about something so far away from here. It's a new thing to hear of the changes that are happening in the world. It must because we're approaching the time of evil.
"You said it! Worst of all is the rumor that the Awakening has arrived in the Sea of Trees. That means the Sky Demon will wake up," another man complains. "What'll happen to us all? It's scary."
I happen to agree, but I wish they would change the topic. That was too much already. Noriko's looking at me with wide eyes, although I've refused to give her any clues this time. She'll have to figure it out on her own. Half of those words she doesn't know. After a sufficient pause, I turn to her and say lightly, "You must be tired, Noriko, after that ordeal. Let's make your bed."
Her eyes spit fire at me, but she only rises coldly to her feet. "Yes, Izark. It has been hard." She's very bitter and yet still sad that I won't tell her why these men also know about the place she entered this world in.
I set her bed next to the wall to keep her safe, then set my bed next to hers. The men will still assume we're together, but it's how I protect my clients as well, and we aren't in the same bed. She would tear my eyes out tonight if we were and I would break her neck in the middle of the night ...if only. I can only sigh at my fate yet again.
She lies down with her back to me and stays silent. The men are giving me looks and sharing looks between them. They can feel the same strain that's been with us since the last town, and her cold words were obvious to even them.
-o-o-o-
Now that we'll be on foot, I'm anxious that we travel as quickly as we can. Noriko finally quiets the men who are trying to get us to reconcile over breakfast, telling them it's a minor disagreement that will work itself out eventually as they all do. The men still scold me as their parting words to us as we begin our walk to the town.
I don't want to hear Noriko's scold either, nor her questions about what she heard, so I walk ahead of her far enough she can't ask. Because her heart is heavy, her feet are as well, but the wind tells me where she is, and that she's still following me.
I try to calm down now that I'm where I can see sky and not be closed up. Paying attention to my breathing for a while helps to clear things a little. I slow down when the distance between Noriko and I is too far. She's sat down but comes soon enough. Riding means she isn't used to walking, where I've walked these countries for many years. When she sits down again and I get too far ahead I stop and look back, not wanting the delays.
I look down at Noriko's feet. She's traded her shoes of this world for those of her own. I'm also reminded that her legs are shorter than mine. If I'm impatient I'll leave her far behind if I don't walk to her pace. This time I walk with the wind telling me how far behind she is until I learn her pace. She varies it a bit, perhaps looking around her at the new things to see, but eventually she gives up and just walks. That helps me because the wind and I can walk with her without me thinking about the distance.
It occurs to me to wonder why she follows me. She could turn and run any direction now that we're not on the horse. I would catch her, and she knows how fast I can move, but it's like she doesn't want to. Like last night, when the horse bucked her off in its fear and left her behind. She could have stayed there and waited for me to come and fetch her. She could have run away. She could have even moved to where she could see us, then waited. Instead she followed with us a safe distance, then came to help us. Why?
Why does she come back to me, want to stay with me? By now she knows enough of the language to learn the rest without me. By now she should hate me enough to want to go. Is it because there's still nowhere else to go? Because she knows she's weak and needs my protection until she's in a safe enough place? Will she be relieved to have me leave her behind? Once again, I want to learn what she's like, what she'll do if...?
What is this Awakening like? What will I see in the end as my last sight when I'm consumed by the demon inside of me? Will I see eyes that look like the ones last night? Angry, hurt, betrayed, sorrowful? I can't see them being full of evil triumph, glee at my pain. That isn't Noriko. I don't believe it's the Teacher, either. The Teacher desires to bring others to understanding using truth and reason. A creature like that won't see the logic in the Sky Demon being born any more than I do.
I believe that Noriko is like me. If she becomes a thing to awaken the Sky Demon, it will only be because she was forced against her will to do it by evil men. As that settles in me as a truth, one stone is removed from my gut and I'm able to breathe one breath more easily.
I'm glad we've had this opportunity to be together. It's been long enough for me to learn who Noriko is, and some about what the Teacher is. I can be less afraid, less worried for the knowing. I'll worry for her, not having her where I can know and see that she's okay, not in the hands of evil. But I worry even more about the dangers of keeping her with me. I'm leaving her with Gaya because I know I can trust Gaya and she's a strong warrior of the Grey Bird tribe who can keep Noriko safe by sword not just by hiding her in the town.
The town appears as we reach the top of the final hill before the valley it's built in. It's on the other side of the valley from where we're entering it, and it spills down from the top of one of the hills set into the valley and spreads around it. There's farming activity in the valley and I can see patrols of soldiers on the roads throughout it. I wonder if they're protecting the people from the increased activity of monsters, or if they're just being kept busy so their commanders don't have to punish them for being bandits instead of protectors. We should try to avoid them if possible.
I turn to see Noriko is still walking towards me. She has her eyes closed and I wonder for how long? Has she also been feeling the wind? When she's close enough for us to talk, I make the wind push back on her and she stops and opens her eyes to look at me, unsurprised at how close she's found herself. That is new. It makes me think of when she jumped from the window in Calco. These little things are odd with no explanation.
"Noriko. I want you safe. With me is not safe. At this place is one who I trust. Please stay with her." I want her to understand at least that much, and obey me so she can stay safe, so I can stay safe.
Noriko ducks her head, an odd gesture. She's changed since our relationship changed. "I will stay. ...You will come back." I was relaxed to hear the answer I wanted. The additional statement and the look in her eyes make me flinch back in fear. She motions between us, her heart to mine and back. "This thread...even you cannot fight. I will wait."
She denies all my efforts, all my strength put into denying my fate. I don't want to hear that she's discovered even that, all on her own, that we're tied with something bigger than either of us. The anger comes out enough she sees it. "I don't like it too," she says sharply back to it. "I would let Izark free. If Izark was free, and Noriko was free, Noriko could go."
She has understood to that depth. I'm suddenly very alert, as if for battle. "Where would Noriko go?" Has she been staying, not running away, because she can't? Has her own bond to me and our destiny been made so unbreakable already?
Her eyes begin to drip tears. "Home." The pain of the distance between us is held in that one word.
I fight to not let my compassionate heart speak. Instead, I ask again, now that we have enough words, "Can Noriko go home?" I would wish she could.
She shakes her head. "I don't know." Her tears flow faster.
There is emptiness inside for a space, then I want to know. Softly I ask, "What would you do if you cannot go home?" Where would she run? What would she do today, when she is different in this new way?
Noriko looks away from me and pain is on her face. "If Izark was free and Noriko was free...today...I would die."
I'm frozen inside, but at the same time I'm reaching for her arm, angry with her for saying it, wanting to shake her back into the Noriko I know who would rather live through terrible unknown consequences than die to diseases she might never face.
She knew I would move and skips to the side quickly, out of my reach, then breaks into a run, around me and towards the town where she's already promised me she'll stay to wait for our destiny to bring us back together.
Because she does, I let her go and watch her, the frozen part of me trying to catch up to what just happened. She would die to any monster or man who was evil enough without me if she was free to leave my side, but that isn't what she meant.
I realize I'm angry that she'll fight to live as long as we're bound by our destinies, but if we were set free of them, she would choose to give up and die. I've wished to be free of it my whole life because I wish to live. How can I trust her if we have opposing desires?
My anger is sufficient that I must test her. I can kill her easily, give her the release she desires. My killing intent rises and with it the power within me, with her as the focus. I make the wind ask her if she will turn and return to me so that I can give her what she wishes for. The wind brings back her shudder of fear, her loneliness and loss, but her head doesn't turn and her feet flee even faster from me. Even with the offer being given, she will choose to live.
I understand this. I've had many days where the despair was so great that I would have killed myself, but some part of the center of me refused to give in, refused to die, said that the story wasn't done being written, and I would be dragged forward until my despair gave up and let me breathe again.
I release the energy gently and the killing intent, but I do not release Noriko. With one powerful kick I'm in the air and landing in front of her so that she runs into me and is captured in my arms.
This creature is like me. "I don't want Noriko to die. I want Noriko to be safe, to live." If she gives up, then I've given up, or been left to fade away alone.
She sobs into my jacket one more time, clutching it as tightly as she did the first day I found her, this time until she falls asleep she's cried so hard. They're the same tears as before, too. Grief, loneliness, impotent anger, despair, fear. They are like my tears.
I set her down in the grass and pull her blanket from her bag. I put the bag under her head and place the blanket over her. She won't sleep long, just enough to recover. I sit cross-legged and fold my arms while I keep watch over Noriko. I make the wind swirl around us just enough to keep any creatures away and to bring me the scent of any men who might come upon us.
Seeping into me is a firm promise. If we cannot be separated, if we're made to live out our destiny, the thing that will be mine in the end - my gift from that which makes it happen - will be Noriko: living, willful, and strong. She is like me and I am like her. I will fight my destiny. I will hope someday she will fight hers.
