Magnus was smiling while he teased her so Tessa decided to let it slide. She was very curious about Alec however. When she met Alec it had seemed to her that Alec was more than a friend but once she saw them together it was like the dynamic shifted. Tessa was worried her friend couldn't see Alec's interest, but she wasn't sure if telling him would make it better or worse.

"I'll ask Will the next time I see him if there is a Jace in his family," Tessa said.

"We have homework to do," Alec reminded Magnus.

"Why must you always be the better person Alec?" Magnus whined. "Can't we just watch tv, drink our hot chocolate and relax."

"After homework," Alec stated firmly. Tessa watched as Alec managed to motivate Magnus into productivity. Her friend's eyes were lit up when he was with Alec. It was quite remarkable. Tessa didn't want to see Magnus sad like he had been after Camille ever again and she hoped Alec would be the one to fix Magnus rather than the one who broke him anew.

"Shall I leave you boys to it then?" Tessa said smiling at them.

"Don't you have homework too?" Magnus asked.

"Finished it," Tessa grinned. "And I have a date." With that she turned and left before Magnus could tease her further about her two timing ways.

Tessa had started meeting Will for coffee at the cafe where they'd accidentally bumped into each other on a regular basis now, but she still hadn't braved the topic of his strange mood swings. Mostly they talked about books. She was scared if she ventured away from their usual conversations about literature he would shut down. Tessa could always tell when Will's shields were up and when they were not. She much preferred it when they were down.

Today, however, she was meeting Jem. They usually met at Jem's place or hers. Sometimes they went out to a music store or to dinner, but Tessa had the strangest feeling that Jem shouldn't exert himself too much. She didn't want to tell him this in case he found it insulting, but she always went along with any plans that involved Jem staying home.

Tessa got off the bus and walked down the street. While she watched her suede boots crumble the grass under her feet she thought about the two men she was in love with. Tessa had no idea how it happened, but it was painfully obvious; she knew now without a doubt that was indeed that case. She loved them both for different reasons but she loved them both equally. Will loved steak but Jem was a vegetarian. Will turned everything into sarcasm and Jem's kind eyes could see through any deflection. They were opposites in every way, but they had both stolen her heart and she was helpless to choose between them. However, she was also scared to lose them both. She had yet to tell either of them of the depth of her devotion, for she felt it cruel to do so when she could not bring herself to make a decision.

Tessa stood now at Jem's front door. It was a plain white door and spoke nothing of the beautiful soul who dwelled beyond its boundary. She rang the bell and Jem appeared quickly with a huge smile on his face. She couldn't help but smile in return as she was welcomed inside.

"Would you like something to drink?" Jem asked.

"I'm fine thank you," Tessa smiled. "You said there was something you wanted to show me?"

"Indeed," Jem replied. Once she was comfortably seated in the leather armchair Jem quickly dashed from the room. Jem's house was beautiful with its hardwood floors and marble counter tops and Tessa often wondered how Jem afforded it since she had yet to hear him talk of work. Will lived alone on a fireman's salary and his accommodations fit his circumstances.

Jem returned with his violin. Tessa noticed a slight bruise on the side of Jem's throat. It was very subtle but now that she saw him in the well light center of the room Tessa noticed the mark matched perfectly to where the violin rested when Jem played it.

"I wrote this for you," Jem said.

Before Tessa could speak Jem began to play. Like before, Tessa noted the effortless way Jem held his violin, as if it was an extension of his hand. As the sounds of his bow against the strings filled the room Tessa's heart soared. This was different than any music Jem had ever played for her. There was more happiness to this song, more joy in its melody and for once it wasn't interwoven with sorrow. Tessa listened as the music filled her soul. She thought she could listen to this every day for as long as she lived.

"Oh Jem!" Tessa gasped as the final note echoed through the room.

"I love you Tessa," Jem said softly. "I didn't tell you this because I want something from you. I just thought you should know."

"Oh dear Jem," Tessa said getting up off her chair to be closer to him.

"You don't have to say it back," Jem said. "In fact it would be better if you didn't." Tessa stopped just as she was about to wrap her arms around him and assure him of her returned affection. "There is something else I need to tell you."

They both sat down and suddenly Tessa's heart was pounding. All she could think was that Jem knew of her dating Will, but this was a strange reaction if that were the case. Her mind, however, could conjure up no other conclusion and she sat and waited in terror of losing them both.

"There's no easy way to tell you this Tessa," Jem said. "And I know I should have told you before now. All I can do is ask for your forgiveness." Tessa's terror was quickly replaced with confusion as she listened. "I'm sick Tessa. Hemochromatosis is the technical name but what it means is that I have too much iron in my blood and the only treatment is regular blood removal. But even with treatment, I'm always tired, weak and in pain." Tessa's hand went to her throat in shock even as she wanted to reach out and comfort him but she didn't know how. "When I'm with you some days it seems as if I am cured but it's an illusion. A beautiful fantasy created by love, but Tessa there's no cure. And it will only get worse with time."

"Does Will know?" Tessa asked.

"Of course Will knows," Jem sighed.

"How long…"

"Have I been sick?" Tessa nodded. "Since I was born. But the symptoms didn't show up right away."

"Oh Jem," Tessa whispered as tears ran down her face.

"I am not whole, Tessa" Jem said. "I could never give you the life you deserve."

"But I love you Jem," Tessa said.

"My condition is genetic," Jem said sadly. "We couldn't have children Tessa. They might be like me."

"They might not be," Tessa said.

"Why risk it?" Jem countered. "Why bring children into the world with high risks of suffering?"

"What if I don't care if I ever have children?" Tessa asked.

"You may not care now," Jem said. "But you might someday and… I know Will could give you that."

Tessa was speechless. She could do nothing but stare. Not only did this mean Jem knew she was also dating his best friend, but Jem was saying he would release any claim he might have for her sake and for Will's. How could one person be this selfless?

"Will isn't like you," Tessa said. "He confuses me. One minute he's there and the next it's like he's gone."

Jem laughed lightly. "Will has issues, but believe me when I say that he loves you Tessa and he can give you everything that I can't."

"Does Will know about us?"

"I doubt it," Jem smiled. "He thinks he can fool me it seems, but he's wrong. He fools so few people with his ruse of disinterest." Jem sighed.

"Do you know why he does it?" Tessa asked.

"I do," Jem said. "But you should ask him yourself. He will tell you I'm sure."

"Jem," Tessa said. "I don't want to lose you."

"And you won't," Jem smiled. "I will always love you."

"And I you," Tessa said reaching out her hand to hold his. They were still seated on the sofa, but to Tessa it felt like the world had shifted under her feet.

"But you also love Will," Jem said. "I know you do."

"Why can't I love both of you?" Tessa asked.

"I don't know," Jem laughed. "Appropriate societal conventions?"

"To hell with society," Tessa whispered moving closer to him on the couch. "You two are no ordinary friends. Sometimes it feels like you are one person. Like you share a soul and I love that soul. I love you both the same no matter what either of you or society thinks." Jem's hand stroked her face and she closed her eyes trying to savour the feeling.

"Thank you, my Tessa," Jem said sweetly.

Their moment was broken by the doorbell. Tessa opened her eyes and saw a very determined expression on Jem's face. The look in his eyes made her realize who was at the door. Jem rose quickly to get to the door and she heard Will's voice greet him. Tessa couldn't sit anymore. She stood as her heart raced.

"So I'm here," Will voice carried down the hall. "What's so urgent."

She couldn't hear Jem's reply but heard footsteps as they both moved down the hallway. This, having them together in her presence, is what she had avoided for months. But there was no escaping it now and no longer any point in delaying the inevitable since Jem already knew.

"Tess?" Will said taken aback as he caught sight of her. He turned to Jem with questions in his eyes.

"There's nothing you could do that would cause me to cease loving either of you," Jem said. Tessa watched as Will's eyes went wide in understanding. She wondered if maybe Jem had mentioned he'd been seeing someone, but never mentioned the name or maybe Will had just finally put two and two together. "If I am not meant to be the keeper of your heart Tessa, then there is no other I would rather have that honour." Jem had started his speech with his eyes locked on Tessa but ended it looking at Will.

"You love her," Will said to Jem with certainty. Tessa was surprised his tone lacked any kind of question.

"As you love her," Jem replied, with equal certainty. They were facing each other now, too wrapped up in their conversation to notice her. Tessa could appreciate the irony.

"I won't take her from you," Will said. "You're happiness is worth more to me than my own."

"Don't be stupid," Jem said and Tessa was surprised to hear frustration in Jem's voice. Jem so rarely yelled. "You can give her more than I can. She deserves someone whole who isn't in pain. Someone who wouldn't be a burden to her."

"You are not a burden," Will yelled. "And I will not be the cause of your misery."

Will looked at Tessa then. His expression was so open, so completely free of any pretense, like it never had been before. In that moment Tessa could see the truth in his blue eyes. Will loved her and this was costing him much.

Tessa suddenly hated the world. Why could she have only one of them? Why did the world believe you could only love one person with your whole heart? Tessa didn't know what to do to make Will stay. The look in his eyes was like nothing she had ever seen before. She knew Will would not be persuaded from his decision. As she watched him leave it was like she was watching half her heart leave with him. Tessa sank to her knees as the tears came. She heard the door slam and knew Will was gone.

Jem was there though. His arms came around her as she sobbed. She needed him, but as she was crying over the loss of another man the guilt of her tears only made them last longer.

"I'm so sorry Tessa," Jem said softly, trying to soothe her by rubbing her back in a circular motion. "I had no idea he would react like that. I just wanted you to be happy. Both of you."

Tessa lifted her head from Jem's tear stained shirt. It was made of a soft fabric and only now did Tessa fully appreciate how lovely the soft material had felt on her face while she sobbed. She forced herself to look at Jem: kind, selfless Jem.

"I know," Tessa said. "But you forget how much we both love you Jem. You are essential to Will's and my happiness and there's nothing you can do that could ever change that."


Beta read by the lovely Holly0114. Also medical research done by Holly0114. She's so helpful! :D


So... yeah... writing binge still going strong! Chapter 12 is totally finished and the next two are started... I wonder how long this is going to last. lol

Anyway... while this writer binge lasts I shall be updating like a spaz but once its over back to twice a week I think. ^_^ As long as you don't mind me uploading chapters super fast that is. If you'd rather wait I can save up chapters during writing binges rather than update faster... its up to you really... Do you want a more regular schedule not matter how far ahead I am or do you want chapters as fast as I write them?

Also can you find the semi-direct quote in here from The Infernal Devices Clockwork Princess? Its not totally exact as I had to adapt it to fit but its pretty close!


Sneak Peek chapter 12:

Alec smile to himself as he checked his phone. The message there, as it usually did, made Alec want to groan and hit his head on the wall while at the same time made him want to jump for joy.

"Magnus wants to hang out," Alec said to Jace as he put his phone away. "And though I know it will suck I still want to see him." Alec sighed. "I'm hopeless."

"Maybe you should say no," Jace said.

"But I don't want to upset him," Alec whined.


Update: Sept 2020
Just corrected a medical error. Jem's condition is treated with blood removal not blood infusions.