I am unsteady. The more the light brightens before me the more I want to flee into the darkness behind me that I understand. I don't understand myself. For all of my life I've wanted to not be there, in that darkness, begged for anyone to give me the hope that I didn't have to live it out as my destiny. Yet, now that I have that someone in my life, and I'm walking that path towards hope and light, I cower away from it.

In learning there's someone else who's been put in my path who can push me even farther on that path, I'm both excited and at the same time almost terrified. I'm being pushed into deeper waters, and it wasn't even Noriko this time.

My heart wants to say it's a proof that there is a Source of All Good, or a demon of light that opposes the demon of darkness. That whatever it is that Noriko has said is sentient but is a force of good does exist and it's placed us here on this path in order to save the Secretary so that I can learn the next thing I need to learn.

I cower from it, want to say I'm not ready yet. I've barely managed to think about what Noriko said the last time I was pushed into deep waters. When I think that thought, I'm saddened by the corollary - that if I must be pushed to move faster than I wish, then our vacation of healing has made us late and we have catching up to do if we're going to be ready for the final confrontation.

Noriko is too excited for me. She wants for me to be able to agree with her sooner, to be able to not be afraid of myself or my future, and to see it as clearly as she does. It's hard to have to feel that when I don't want to be pushed. At the same time, to hear how that excitement comes out in her words is rather funny. She talks even faster and with great excitement.

A few times I almost have to stop her from saying things she really shouldn't say, but she catches herself quickly and moves on so fast the others don't really catch on. I suppose that's enough distraction while we men plan the details of what we'll do here in the palace to keep Lord Hydran and his guards distracted.

As I escort Noriko into our room, she's still talking animatedly. I laugh silently at her and she huffs at me in mock irritation. "You're just as excited as I am," she points out.

I grab her and pin her to the bed with one hand. "I think I will have to hold you here until you pass out, or you won't sleep." Noriko wiggles and squirms, but I don't let her go. I'm paying attention, but I'm irritated enough to firmly refuse. I need to distract the both of us, or neither of us will be able to sleep. Noriko freezes, staring up at me. I'm changing and the change holds her enrapt.

We learned quite by accident as I was practicing increasing my strength to control the various levels of power I hold within me that I have a formidable weapon against her. It's my favorite and I've been working very hard to be able to learn this combination. This is a good night to use it, to show her what I've learned. I'm needing the reward for twice having to do a thing I find abhorrent.

I feel Noriko's heart rate increasing under the hand I've pinned her down with. For the first time, I know it's not fear. This time she lets me feel what she feels. It's rapt anticipation. I smile a wicked, rewarded smile - just enough so she can see my elongated canines - so I can feel what she feels when she sees them. They frighten most people. Not Noriko. A thrill goes through her and her breath quickens just ever so slightly, as if she's begging me to show her more.

I move to kneel on the bed next to her to be more comfortable, although I keep her pinned down. I don't want her moving. I want to see these reactions as I feel them. "That really is very interesting, Noriko," I say. She doesn't say anything. She's still waiting, still begging.

Slowly and carefully I increase my power and focus. I know my hair is changing to blue because Norikos' eyes go to watch it, surprised. I'm pleased. My hands didn't change into claws, nor has a horn grown out of my forehead. It's taken a lot of effort and time to reach the point I can change things individually that used to come together.

"Izark!" Noriko breathes in praise, her eyes going wide. She squashes impatience quickly, and then with a little more difficulty her desire to touch my hair. I shake my head at her. Now isn't the time to touch. I'll lose my focus.

When she's settled enough and her eyes have moved to look at mine, asking if I can do the final attack against her, I focus one more time and increase my power that one little step more. Her eyes are fixated on mine and I know I've caught her.

When she looks into my brilliant sapphire eyes she can't move and only her deep desire for me remains. She admitted to me the first time, even though it had been so obvious, that the color of my eyes is her favorite color and it draws her as a moth to candle flame, to dance with them even if she must get burned.

We weren't ready yet to play with that fire, but I promised her that if this combination was what would please her most, then I would learn it. Her desire is rising to overwhelm, and I move to hold both of her hands down. It isn't time to act on that yet. I'm also careful to not let my blue hair touch her, as it falls towards her from my leaning over her. Even that light a touch will interfere.

"This particular combination is rather tricky, they are such small pieces of the different levels. ...It's interesting to get to feel what your reaction really is."

Noriko looks desperately from one close sapphire eye to the other. "Kiss me, and you'll really find out," she dares me boldly. "Just don't poke me when we explode." I know she's referring to the horn. She understands that because we're connected, I may lose control.

Her desire is almost more than she can restrain any longer. I want to know what Noriko will do, and I want the reward. My hair brushes her face and she moans as her desire slips loose of its bonds. I turn my head so that if I lose control I won't hurt her. I'm focusing on not letting the claws out when she rises to close the final brief distance between us and our lips meet.

The woman Noriko who loves to be loved washes over me in a warm flood and we drown most pleasurably because it's more than she can hold within her. I'm washed by her desire and love for quite some time in the most enjoyable way I've ever experienced. Blue - is a beautiful weapon. I swear I will learn how to make this come easily to me so that I can have this gift. Frequently.

-o-o-o-

I'm in a hallway of interconnected rooms so that I can't really tell if it's room after room after room, or a hallway really. Behind me and before me is empty. No one hears my call, no one comes to comfort me. What I seek is missing, and I'm as empty as these rooms. My fear rises up in me and that makes me even more afraid, but there's something pressing against that fear...something that doesn't go with this nightmare.

Warm sunlight pours across my face, waking me, and I realize that Noriko's excitement is high enough again this morning to push against even a dream fear and prevent it from overwhelming me. As she turns towards me from opening the curtain over the window, she says, "Isn't this a beautiful day, full of sunshine and light?"

I've already flung an arm over my face. To go from such a dark and empty dream to sudden stunning sunlight is a representation of the place I've found myself walking in and it's too much. I don't want to rise. I want to sleep longer. I don't want another nightmare. I want Noriko. I want her to tell me that everything will be okay, that even if I'm pushed faster than I can go, at the end will be a result I want, not more fear, more despair. I'm tired of the fight. Sleeping more won't help me, so I drag myself to sitting up in the bed.

"Izark, are you feeling okay?" Noriko asks, somewhat worried.

I run my hand over my face to wake up a little more and to move my hair out of it, then rest my elbow on my knee. My head is so heavy I have to rest it on my hand. I fight depression, which pushes against the light spilling into the room through the uncovered window.

Noriko moves to sit on the side of the bed with me, still worried. I reach for her and gently touch her face. She doesn't need to worry for me. "I had a dream is all," I say. I still want her to answer the fears it brought up, although I shouldn't be such a young child to have to need it. Still, she is here.

I let my hand fall and can't look at her, it's so childish to ask for this comfort. "I was looking for you and all I could see were endless connected rooms. I called for you and you weren't there." The pain in my heart leaks out at the telling. Noriko reaches up and puts her palm on my heart and works to send only a small amount of comfort to me.

I need more and reach for her and pull her to me. It's her arms I need, to heal me with her peace and comfort. "Please, Noriko. Don't disappear. Don't leave me. I need you more than ever."

"I won't, Izark. I'm here, and I've promised I'll always be here. Even if you can't find me, I'm still here. I will always return to you and stand by you." She wraps both her physical arms and her emotional ones around me, like she did in the wagon before.

She works to learn what level of emotional comfort will match the level of fear and pain within me but not overwhelm me, and I'm grateful. It's comforting to know that her surety and love are as large as my fear and worry. It helps to know it's even bigger, but that she won't overwhelm me with it. It's already hard enough to be reminded of that. At this level, I can rest and receive the comfort I need to return to a level of peace I can continue forward from.

"Izark, my dream was similar - after the attack, do you remember? When the evil was coming and I was chained down and couldn't move, I also couldn't find you or feel you. But you were there when I woke." I nod, remembering how I was initially afraid she was having the nightmare because she'd seen me change. She'd denied it, but it had still been hard to push my fears and worries of that day aside. Still, she was also here when I woke up, to shine light on that empty fear.

When I've recovered enough from the fear to set it aside again, my gratitude that she's here and in my life rises to join with my love for her. Because I still don't want to face this day, nor really to rise from my bed at all, I choose to fall back onto my bed, pulling her with me to kiss her. She's too closely linked emotionally to me and I've trapped her.

It's interesting to me to learn that even so, her mind is still aware and works like it usually does. For all she is chaotic emotionally, she's learned her own strengths from it in how to work logically around it or with it. She sends the emotion of "practicality".

Because I'm experimenting, and choosing to be lazy, I send back the heart-cry of the child again. That makes her hesitate, giving me the opening, and I attack physically by beginning to turn my hair blue for her while at the same time I emotionally ask and tease.

She relents to my temptation. I leave my hair blue as she interlaces her fingers into it. As long as I'll pay that price, she lets me do as I will. It really is a bad weakness for her to have, now that I can exploit it. It pleases me to know that there is no other being or creature on the face of this planet that can have her this way.

Experimenting one more time, at the end I give Noriko sapphire eyes. She's able to merely get lost in them without the desire overwhelming her again. It's a softer and more pleasant thing. Then I touch her, wanting to feel with my fingers the softness I can see on her face and feel inside my heart. Just that single touch is sufficient.

I enjoy spending almost an hour experimenting with what blue does to Noriko. She's worn out after that, and I leave her with a kiss and silent laughter to recover with an early morning nap. It's turned into a good morning after all, and I'll be able to face the rest of the awful things of this day in a much better mood.

-o-o-o-

It's afternoon, not long after lunch. We ate our meals in the kitchen with the house staff. Arkarella entertained Mister Hydran at a formal lunch. We're waiting for Alef, Doros, and myself to be called as the final entertainment. I'm using Noriko's excitement to balance the reluctance I have to perform again. If I remember that her excitement is because our reward is we get to meet Secretary Clairgeeta, then I remember why I also want to have us win his freedom.

We're experimenting and practicing. Noriko keeps bouncing between general worry which doesn't last very long, disgust that I have to perform in front of two hedonists, and the excitement of meeting Secretary Clairgeeta. I'm getting lots of practice blocking her emotions. I've started with trying to imagine or intend a shield like I use energy shields. I've rotated through the various energies I know how to use, including trying to use light energy. None of those worked well.

Using my will to press my emotions down, then using it to try and force hers down works to some small degree. When I push on hers, my "pressure" slips and slides against her emotions. It's really only her own attempts that pull her emotions back.

If we can't figure this out before I have to go in, and Noriko can't stay emotionally stable enough through my performance, things might go badly, and neither of us want that. There's one more emotion that she can't prevent slipping out every so often. It's a troublesome one.

Lori Arikowa, the constable, is a Clairgeeta sympathizer. The plan is that he'll be helping the Grey Birds get Secretary Clairgeeta out of the jail, disguised, meet up with them, and get out of town. We'll leave as soon as the performance is over and travel to a meet-up point, then all travel together until we get Secretary Clairgeeta to the place he needs to be. Those who hired the Grey Birds have a safe place to keep him hidden away.

Knowing we'll see Lori again soon sets Noriko's fingers to itching every time she thinks of him. Because I've now experienced it intimately, I have my own emotions to repress at the same time as hers. Noriko's embarrassed when it slips out, and I hope she's practicing very hard with that one. I don't need to relive it. I've thought of a few drastic things to try, and when she slips again, I try the first one.

Before Noriko showed me what it was like to want to play with a man's hair, she let me glimpse how she sees me. I also have hair she wants to play with, but that isn't the only thing she feels when she thinks of me. I try giving her something different to focus on.

As she looks up at me apologetically again, I move sinuously and give her a flirtatious look. It's a thing I've seen many times as a bodyguard and swordsman for hire, but never tried to perform. I'm usually running from girls looking to walk with a beautiful man.

It works far better than I thought it would, surprising me. She's firmly and suddenly caught. My eyebrow raises slightly and I can't help giving her a teasing look. Who would have thought she would feel the thrill of flirting? I test a more obvious movement, flipping my hair so it flows around my shoulder to my back. She's even more mesmerized watching flowing hair and me in combination.

I have to turn away to keep the laugh inside. Her reaction is so humorous and I really can't believe I just did such a thing. I would never have done it before, except for desperation, which has made me even think to do it in the first place.

Noriko silently agrees with me that it was very humorous and very out of character for me. She also has to turn away to recover. If it's possible to distract her in this way, I think I could learn to change my character for her. After all, any weapon to give me what I want most is agreeable. By the time she turns back I'm prepared to practice.

I keep it up until we hear the sound of a bell being rung in the room Arkarella and Mister Hydran are in. That's the cue to begin the entertainment. I calm down immediately and push back on her. Noriko takes a deep breath, lets it out, then nods, promising to hold all the emotions inside tightly so I can properly do my work.

It takes longer for the red of embarrassment to leave the faces of Glocia and Alef. Noriko's face flames red in response, and she mumbles an apology for being too unrestrained in public. As we men enter the room, Alef whispers to me, "Was that really necessary - in public?"

"You have no idea," I answer dryly. "I tried everything else to distract her from wanting to come kill these two. Reminding her that I only have eyes for her was all that would work." Alef's face goes red again and I silent laugh at him. Teasing him is also fun.

Doros is our starting act. We made a bet with Arkarella. If Doros could train the nearly-wild chimos he had to do tricks in a short time, Arkarella would let us have them. Doros does it handily. He can communicate with animals similarly to how I can, and they trust him and his slow moving energy.

Mister Hydran is unimpressed and Arkarella sends Doros out with the chimos. That's relieving. Now, once the baby chimos are weaned, we'll have one for each of us. Our goal is to learn to teleport with them so our journey to find Gaya and the others doesn't take as long, and so we can escape from bad situations if we need to. Doros leaves the room to stand with Noriko who'll help him know when to make his next entrance.

Now it's my turn. Alef is the master of ceremonies, being the narrator for my performance. Salier chooses to join me on his own. He's already part of the plan, but we thought we would have to talk him into it. I perform feats of agility and strength - at the expense of Salier's dignity - until finally Alef hands me one of the pieces of fabric left over from the store that we attached to a pole. It's time for the finale.

I wave the cloth around to make it flow beautifully, using just a little wind energy to make it float and billow with more grace. At just the right time, when I've completely hidden Salier from the view of the other two men, Doros appears behind the cloth to grab Salier, then disappears again.

I flip the fabric back to expose the empty space, catch the end of it in as dramatically beautiful a way as I distracted Noriko to keep their full attention, then bow to my small audience. They are in open-mouthed amazement at the trick of making Salier disappear.

As Salier's cries of dismay and terror come from outside the patio door of the room they're in, we turn and leave them behind. They're now distracted by him. It's our turn to take our leave. Everyone pauses long enough for me to flame my costume and put on real clothing again. We're gone well before the word gets back to this palace that Mister Clairgeeta has escaped.

Katarina gets the wagon going as soon as we're in it, since she knows the road we need to go on. Doros puts the chimos in the basket with the others back with us and rides in the front with her, taking the reins from her. I sit next to Noriko to hold her hand, although that's the closest I want anyone, and even that's brief. What I really want this time is a long soaking hot bath with copious fragrant soaps and a sympathetic Noriko to help me get properly clean.

"Kizak, you're really an excellent performer. How about we go into the business together? You perform, I'll be your manager?" Alef is full-on merchant, and after complaining about wanting to go back to just being a soldier again, too.

I'm watching this time and grab Alef's hand before it can reach my shoulder and put it on the floor of the wagon and hold it there firmly. If I can't even touch Noriko for very long after that humiliating display, I won't put up with anyone else coming even close.

Alef stares at our hands. "Okay. I get it. It was just a thought. ...Can I have my hand back now?"

Noriko leans back against the wall of the wagon, understanding I need a bit more breathing room, her hands locked around her knees. She's carefully keeping her emotions at the lowest levels. I'm grateful and with enough scolding Alef also lets me have breathing space. The chimos start to fight, not ready yet to be a mixed family, and I trade places with Doros. Driving the wagon team will give me the opportunity to get even more breathing space.

Alef asks Doros if the chimos can take the wagon and all of us directly to Secretary Clairgeeta's wagon. Doros explains it doesn't work like that. Glocia suggests that if we speed up we might be able to catch up. They're impatient to reach Secretary Clairgeeta, to see if he'll help in the group effort to get good people together.

"No, that wouldn't make a difference," Katarina turns around to explain. "We're on a different road. This is the main path. They're taking the back roads. We'll get to the meeting place about the same time."

Niana turns and points into the woods. "Are they on the road over there? The Brunei brothers are on it."

"What!?" Katarina exclaims.

I hand her the reins. This was what we were trying to prevent. For them to have found us so fast, they must have special powers. "I need to go help them," I say. "Irktule, protect both me and Geena. Barago, use the chimos to get Geena out to safety if anything happens. Roki, you protect everyone else."

I'm running to the other road and dash down it quickly, fear and despair trying to rise up again. I don't want to lose my second connection to hope. When I see the overturned wagon, it's hard to control that reaction.