Simon Lewis wasn't a fool. He knew Clary was avoiding him. After all, he hadn't seen her since the morning she'd shown him her new jacket. Simon was also not a fool in that he knew the jacket Clary insisted on wearing was not a woman's jacket. He'd played dumb though, since it was just another sign of what he already knew. Despite how long they'd been together and how hard he'd tried, Clary still did not love him the way he loved her and Simon now knew in his heart that she never would.
It had been a drawn out realization, sneaking up on him slowly day by day, week by week. She always smiled at him when they met but it didn't reach her eyes. She never rejected his kiss, but there was a feeling of obligation in her caresses. She would rest her head on his shoulder and accept the arm he placed around her, but there was always something missing.
Simon thought back to the day he'd told her how he felt about her. It had been the end of their eleventh year of high school and Simon, who'd known he loved her almost since the day he'd met her, had finally gotten up the courage to tell her. He'd never forget the look on her face. There had been wonder there, surprise and Clary had obviously been flattered, but nowhere on her face had there been romantic affection. He'd told himself that deeper feelings would develop. He told himself it was new and that he couldn't expect her to return his feelings overnight. But those excuses had only worked for so long. The truth of the matter was that she loved him as a friend then and she loved him as a friend now, even after calling him her boyfriend for over a year and a half. Simon had held out hope the whole time that Clary might learn to love him, or at the very least learn to care romantically about him. He'd wished for it countless times and even consulted a fortune eight ball once or twice, but of course, that couldn't change anything. Every time he saw the way Magnus and Alec looked at each other it cemented Simon's decision. You couldn't live on fantasy forever. Even as her boyfriend, he had been friend-zoned and he'd die an old and lonely man if he stayed in the friend zone forever.
He had no idea where or how to begin trying to get over Clary, but breaking up with her was a good start. Simon wasn't sure if he'd ever truly get over Clary, but he knew it would be impossible if she still called him her boyfriend. Not that them dating seemed to mean he got to spend time with her or anything. January was almost over and Simon had seen her approximately half a dozen times since classes had started up again. The simple fact that he could count the times told him there had been far too few of them.
As Simon approached Clary's dorm room a million words ran through his head. What would he say? Was there any way he could phrase this that wouldn't hurt her? He knew he wouldn't want to see her afterward, but he also knew she would still want to be his friend and not in the shallow 'let's just be friends' way that most exes used when they parted company. No, Clary would want to be his real friend. It was as a friend that Clary loved him and Simon was trying to think of something to say. Even the clichés weren't helpful since, 'it's not you it's me' really didn't apply. If she'd just learned to love him! But it seems no matter how much you love someone, that love being returned is not a guarantee.
Simon turned down the hall, toward Clary's dorm and then looked through the open doorway and suddenly all thoughts and concern of Clary being upset vanished from his mind.
Jace and Clary stood a foot apart with their eyes locked on each other. The affection on both their faces was enough to make Simon want to punch Jace in the gut and throw him down some stairs. Who cares if that guy had helped him! Jace needed to die painfully by a thousand spider bites, because Clary was looking at Jace the way Simon had wished, for so long, that Clary would look at him. They were just gazing at each other, not even touching, but somehow their intense eye contact felt more intimate to Simon than any moment he'd ever shared with Clary over the last year and a half.
Simon could think of nothing to say, so he cleared his throat loudly. Both of them froze, then slowly turned to see him. Jace's expression showed no change except that the light went out of his eyes. Simon couldn't help but be a little happy about this.
"Simon," she whispered, her gorgeous green eyes wide as she gazed at him.
"Yeah," Simon replied. He didn't know what to say. Despite his only having walked in on them staring at each other, the atmosphere of the room was so uncomfortable he might as well have walked in on them making out.
"I'm gonna go," Jace said after a moment of awkward silence. He glanced once more at Clary, then left the room, closing the door behind him.
"Simon," Clary said uncertainly. "I- that wasn't what it looked like."
"What did it look like?" Simon asked sadly. He knew what she was going to say, but he wanted her to say it.
"Like," Clary started but she seemed lost for words.
Simon took pity on her, knowing she was never going to be able to find the words. "I know you didn't cheat on me, Clary," he said in a hollow voice. Clary was nothing if not loyal and he had faith, but he could tell Clary wanted Jace. Even if she hadn't acted on that desire, the knowledge stung.
"Oh," Clary replied. She took a deep breath then she walked the few steps to her bed and sat down. Simon decided she probably had the right idea and sat across from her.
"I know you care about me," Simon said matter of factly after a moment. This was why he'd come, but that didn't make it easy to say. "And I know you think you love me."
"I do," Clary interrupted, but Simon cut her off. It was true she had started saying it back to him, a few months into their relationship, but only when he told her first. She always accepted his kisses, but she never initiated those either.
"Okay," Simon said. "So, you love me, but not once have you looked at me the way I just saw you gazing at Jace." Simon took a deep breath then added. "You look at me the way you look at your brother."
"I-" Clary started, but again she seemed to have been rendered speechless.
"When I finally got up the courage to tell you that I loved you," Simon said in a small voice. "And you smiled at me and took my hand. I am not exaggerating when I say it was the best day of my life."
"Simon I-" but he held up his hand to stop her.
"But it's been a year and a half since then Clary," Simon continued. "A year and a half of hoping that one day you would look at me the way you just looked at Jace."
"I'm sorry," Clary said tears filling her eyes. He'd known this would happen and it was why he'd avoided doing it for so long. That, and the small hope he'd clung to, and probably still was clinging to despite everything. The hope that Clary would one day return his feelings.
"It's not your fault," Simon said.
"I don't want to lose you," Clary sobbed. "I want you in my life."
"I know, but it doesn't work like that," Simon replied trying to put on a smile.
"Why not?" Clary sobbed.
How could he explain to her the pain of being near her, how much it hurt loving her while knowing she'd never return his devotion. How could he tell her that the very reason she wanted him around was the very reason he couldn't be here? He knew she'd only agreed to go out with him in the first place so as not to break his heart. Simon suspected it must have been easier for her to pretend before Jace entered the picture. Simon still wasn't sure exactly when Jace had happened, but he was trying not to think about it. The answer would either make him miserable, or angry, neither of which would change anything. Because, whether Jace was there or not, ultimately didn't matter. Either way, Simon had lost Clary. And in reality, he hadn't lost her to Jace, he had lost Clary because Clary didn't want him, which was worse, since there was no one to blame except the woman he loved.
"Just because," Simon replied. Telling her would only hurt her and Simon cared her too much for her to want that.
"You will always be my friend," Clary said. "And I love you."
"Brotherly love wasn't really what I was going for," Simon almost laughed. It was easier to joke like this then really feel the impact of the moment.
"I tried," Clary said tears still falling down her face.
"I know," Simon said. He lifted his hand up to wipe a tear from Clary's cheek. Even when she was crying, she was beautiful. Not to mention smart and kind, and all around perfect. There was no getting over Clary Fairchild, and Simon knew it.
"I guess there are worse ways this could have ended," Simon said, his voice devoid of humor. He stood up, turned and left the dorm room.
Simon had only come to this University to be with Clary. His mother had told him not to, his sister had told him not to and even Clary had told him not to, but that hadn't stopped him. They had, of course, all been right. Now Simon was single and stuck for at least one more semester in a school he hadn't chosen with friends he barely knew. All his friends were Clary's friends, with the exception of his band members, or at least the few band members who had joined him at this university. This was going to be a horrible semester, but then again, they were only a month into the second term so Simon could always simply cut his losses and go home. Or, he could stick it out and finish his first year. He was feeling rather apathetic about both options at the moment and decided it was a problem for another day.
The walk back to his dorm room felt like the longest walk of his life. Despite the fact he knew he'd done the right thing and, in many ways the only really reasonable choice, Simon was miserable. The walls of the school were somehow more grey than usual, the sky cloudier and the future bleaker. He knew it was all in his head, but that didn't make it feel less real. He wasn't sure how long Clary would wait before running into Jace's arms and the thought twisted him inside. He didn't want to see her with Jace and it wasn't just because of Jace's reputation. Simon was sure Clary could have picked superman to replace him and it still wouldn't have mattered, because Clary hadn't picked Simon. Seeing Clary with anyone else was going to be hard, it didn't really matter who.
But no matter how it ended, Simon wouldn't regret their relationship, even if it had ruined their friendship. He loved her so much from the beginning he couldn't remember a time when he'd felt like just her friend. If he hadn't tried to win her love in return, he would have regretted it for the rest of his life. At least this way he knew he'd given it a real shot.
When Simon entered his empty dorm room, he remembered why it was empty. Jace had helped Simon get rid of his horrible roommate. Simon sighed. Stupid blonde. Why did he have to try and make nice with Simon, huh? It would have been so much easier if Simon could have just hated him on principal and called it a day. Not that Jace's entering the picture would have mattered if Simon had ever truly held Clary's heart.
Simon put on the most depressing playlist he could find, laid on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He gave himself permission to wallow. He got today. For the rest of the day he was allowed to be broken. He knew he had to get up and live again and at some point he had to decide if he was going to stay at this school or not. But that was for tomorrow.
Hey guys did I surprise you?
I had planned for Simon to break up with Clary from day one of writing this story but you guys kept commenting about how Clary needed to dump Simon and I was like hehe just wait and see that will NEVER happen. lol. I also selected the sneak peek for this chapter with more care than usual so as not to give away the point of view. Anyway I hope I surprised you and PLEASE PLEASE review and tell me what you think. First Simon POV chapter! :D :D :D I am so excited! And I have basically finished my other Malec AU now so I should be updating this story more regularly again... I hope.
Wow remember when my author's notes on this story were almost as long as my chapters? ^_^ Now they are so short again. :)
Sneak Peek Chapter 34
Jace walked away from Clary, with a heavy heart. He wanted to cry but he also wanted to be Simon for the sole reason that Simon had Clary. Jace had never before envied someone so much in his life. Simon and Clary were currently alone in Clary's dorm room. The image was stuck in his mind on repeat. Why was it Jace could never shake the hope that one day she'd be his? This hope had literally turned his life upside down. He knew now he'd always had hope, even when he'd told himself to get over her. Even when he'd decided he just wanted her to believe him and that was all, he'd always had hope. He knew that now.
But his hope was useless. How many months had it been now? It felt like a lifetime, of wanting her and not having her. Jace didn't want to be alone but he was so very alone. Sebastian was gone. Alec was undoubtedly still with Magnus. Clary was with Simon. There was no one for Jace.
