Thanks to her new breast pump, the boys were feeding Lucie with both formula and bottled breast milk now while Tessa slept. However, the extra sleep had done nothing to improve her mood. Tessa had thought the cause of all her problems was sleep deprivation. She's thought once she'd slept a solid eight hours every night she'd feel better, but she'd been wrong. It would be okay though. Maybe she just needed to get out more. Yes, that was the solution.
So Tessa contacted all her girl-friends and tried to organize a girl's night out. She quickly learned that she had very few female friends - her only one being Clary - and started branching out. Magnus's boyfriend had a sister who had a roommate. That brought her total up from one to three. Much better.
Tessa was pinning on her hopes on this night out. She convinced herself that it would fix her. It would make this feeling go away. Then she would feel better, right?
Walking out of the house felt like a weight had been lifted from her chest. Tessa could breath again. She took a few deep gulps of air as she tried not to think about why being away from her baby felt better, and just enjoyed the sensation. She was meeting Clary, Izzy and Maia at the bus stop down the street. Will would have driven her, but he had to work tonight, and Jem was with the baby. Tessa had cab fare home, and she didn't mind busing to the bar. During the planning of this evening, Tessa had looked up drinking while breast feeding, and knew that all she had to do was pump tomorrow like normal then throw it out. No big deal, and she needed this.
Tessa saw that familiar head of red hair and started walking faster. As she approached, she saw the two women on either side of Clary, who must be Izzy and Maia. Though Tessa had never met either of them before, she recognized Alec's sister at once. The two siblings had the same colouring and face structure. The other girl, Maia, was darker skinned, more like Magnus but darker still, and she was dressed casual like Clary - both of them in jeans and a nice shirt while Izzy was in a dress with heels.
"Tessa!" Clary called as they approached.
"This is Izzy and Maia," Clary introduced the others to her.
"I figured," Tessa replied with a smile. "Now, who wants to get drunk?"
"Aren't you a new mom?" Izzy asked.
"All the more reason why I need alcohol," Tessa counted.
"You won't get any argument from me," Izzy laughed. Someone spotted the bus, and moments later, they were all sitting on it.
Tessa sat numbly on her seat with the other girls around her. She could tell they were talking, but she didn't really pay attention until she heard them mention Valentine's day being this weekend.
"But it's January," Tessa reminded them.
"Umm," Clary said awkwardly. "No Tessa. It's February."
"Oh," Tessa said softly. She hadn't realize so much time had passed.
"Are you sure you want to go out tonight?" Clary asked.
"Yes," Tessa said firmly. "If I don't get drunk tonight I might drive off a cliff."
"Been there," Izzy laughed, and suddenly they were all talking again. Tessa knew they thought she was joking, and decided not to correct them.
"Jace told me about you and Simon," Clary was saying to Izzy.
"Great night," Izzy laughed. "We may have gone back in for seconds, if you know what I mean."
"Izzy the seats know what you mean," Maia whined.
"He's a good person," Clary said. "Not a great night. He isn't like some random guy you can use. He's my friend."
"My friend too actually," Maia added.
"Really?" Izzy asked. "He didn't mention you guys."
"Not by name I'm sure," Clary said. "We are kinda- well he needed some time, but he is still my friend."
"So you never hit that?" Izzy asked.
"Ummm…" Clary mumbled. "I really don't know how to reply to that."
"Then again, the guy was crazy in love and his ex girlfriend, and she never hit that either," Izzy continued. "Her loss if you ask me."
"Simon and I are just friends," Maia added. "And that ex you are talking about is Clary here."
"Hi," Clary replied awkwardly.
"Wait what?" Izzy replied. "You're- and you too?" Maia nodded. "Well you guys are both stupid," Izzy laughed. "I kinda feel sorry for the guy now. Mr. Friend-zone. You two are worse than me."
"Hey, it was one awkward dinner," Maia argued. "It's not like we dated or anything."
"We've been friends since we were practically in diapers," Clary added. They both continued to defend their actions, but Tessa wasn't listening anymore. This felt important, but she couldn't bring herself to care enough to process their words.
Her numb state of mind persisted until they got off the bus. Tessa followed the others, who were all still talking together, as they neared the bar.
"For women who aren't dating him, you guys are strangely possessive," Izzy was saying as they walked in. Tessa didn't really know what they were talking about anymore.
"We just don't want to see him hurt," Clary replied.
"Yeah," Maia agreed.
"Since when is giving a guy an orgasm hurting him?" Izzy asked.
Tessa moved away from the other girls toward the bar. Sitting down, she ordered a shot of something, though she didn't really bother to notice what. Downing the whole thing in one go, Tessa ordered another. And another.
"You sure lady?" the bartender asked when she wanted one more.
"Yes," Tessa replied. With a shrug, the bartender placed another shot in front of her, and Tessa downed it in one go. She was starting to feel the effects of the shots. Her mind was getting mercifully hazy as the alcohol hit her blood stream. This was good. This would help. After one more shot, Tessa stood up a little wobbly, and went to join the others on the dance floor.
The world around her became blurry, and Tessa reveled in the fog. She didn't want a world in focus. She didn't want to face reality, or acknowledge the emotions overwhelming her. Tessa didn't want to think about why she dreaded going home. The hour grew late as they danced and drank. Tessa kept up with her shots so the world stayed hazy.
Clary called it a night first. Her boyfriend arrived to collect her up just after midnight. Maia went home next. She called a cab after one. Tessa was glad Izzy stayed, because it gave her a reason to stay, but as the hour passed three, even Isabelle was ready to go home. Tessa still didn't want to leave. The bar was getting close to last call, but she thought maybe she could go somewhere else. No home. The problem was that Izzy turned out to be far too responsible a friend than Tessa had expected. She wouldn't hear of Tessa staying out on her own. Too drunk and too tired to argue, Tessa allowed herself to be put into a taxi.
As they got closer and closer to Jem's house, Tessa felt that constricting feeling in her chest again. She didn't want to go inside, but she was so tired she could barely think, barely stand. Tessa stumbled into the house, and straight to her room without speaking to anyone. She fell face first into the bed and passed out in seconds.
Tessa woke up, unhappy at her new conscious state. She didn't want to be awake. She resented the light shining in her window more than she resented her daughter. Tessa froze, feeling guilty just thinking it. She buried her face in her pillow, wish for unconsciousness again. What kind of mother was she? At this point, Tessa was thinking Lucie might be better off without her.
The night out had changed nothing. Nothing at all. Tessa's body was wrapped in chains, crushing her just like it had before, and worse of all, it felt like she would feel this way forever. She couldn't see a way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. If only she could sink deeper into this bed and never get up again. However, the bed wouldn't engulf her no matter how hard she wished for it. Silently Tessa sobbed into her pillow, just wanting the pain to end.
She'd cried herself dry by the time the door opened. It was Jem, and he was carrying Lucie.
Tessa wanted to tell him, "No, don't give her to me." But instead, she held out her hands and accepted the baby. After all, this was what she was suppose to do. She was Lucie's mother. Mother. The word didn't quite click in her mind. Tessa looked down at the small warm bundle in her arms and just stared, frozen in both body and mind.
"Are you alright?" Jem asked her. And like always, Tessa smiled and said she was fine. How could she tell the men she loved what was wrong with her, when that problem was her failing as a mother?
They both heard the front door open and close. Jem went to see who was there, but Tessa knew it must be Will. Who else just walks in like that? And it was morning-ish right? So maybe Will was home from a night shift at the fire hall or something. She could hear Jem talking to someone at the door, but Tessa focused on her breathing, on the position of her body in space, and the weight of her daughter compared to the strength in her arms. What if that strength was gone? What if her arms just gave out, and Lucie fell to the ground. Would the pain end then? Would Tessa be able to escape?
Numb and horrified at the same time, Tessa took one step and then another, following the sounds of voices.
"Take the baby," Tessa ordered as she made one of them hold the infant. She didn't care to notice who.
Tessa's now empty arms went lip, and she turned to the wall and started banging her head against it as hard as she could. The sudden sharp pain in her forehead jolted her, but it was better this way. The pain could pierce her numbness like nothing else had been able to. Tessa hit her head against the wall again and again, enjoying the hurt. Just seconds after the first hit, she could feel hands on her trying to stop her, but Tessa fought them. She needed the pain. She needed to feel something other than misery.
"Stop!"
It was Will's voice. Probably Will's hands on her shoulders too. Tessa thought idly that Will was physically stronger than Jem, so if she'd handed him the baby, he must of given it to Jem, but if she'd handed Jem the baby, Will would have sprung into action unhindered.
"Tess STOP!" This time Will wasn't pulling punches. He had such a tight grip on her shoulders now, she could also use that pain, though it hadn't been as sharp as the wall.
"I can't do it," Tessa whispered as she was forced to stop and face the father of her child. "I can't. I'm sorry. Let me go." Tessa moved feebly away, trying to escape.
"Never," Will replied, and Tessa crumbled. Her arms went limp, and she stumbled back against the wall, sliding down to the floor where she started sobbing.
His strong arms encircled her. Will's arms. Will. William Herondale. James Carstairs. These names meant something to her, but all she could see was darkness.
Tessa woke up in a bed that wasn't hers. She could hear soft beeping coming from near her head. Opening her eyes, Tessa turned to see Will sitting beside her.
"Oh Tess," Will sighed, placing his head down on her bed near her hand. "Why didn't you tell us?"
"It could have been so much worse," Jem's voice came from her other side. Tessa turned her head to see him. Jem was holding the baby. No, her baby.
"What didn't I tell you?" Tessa asked. She wasn't totally sure of anything at the moment. Not where she was, or how she'd gotten here.
"That you were struggling," Will said. "I knew you were... well a little off, but you'd just had a baby. I didn't think… I mean if I'd known it could get this bad-"
"We wouldn't have let it get this bad," Jem finished his best friend's sentence for him.
"We love you unconditionally, Tessa," Will said firmly. "Don't you understand. That means you can talk to us about anything. Tell us anything, no matter what."
"If you kill someone, you call us up to help bury the body," Jem added. "Understand."
"I-" Tessa began. She was starting to remember, to put the pieces of her mind back together. "I failed- I was supposed to- my job-"
"Our job," Jem corrected her. "We are all supposed to, and the only thing you failed to do was tell us how bad it was."
"The moment you banged your head against that wall you," Will began, his voice soft and fearful. "I have never been so scared in my life Tess, and I run into burning buildings for a living."
"You scared us both," Jem whispered.
"I'm sorry," Tessa sobbed, her hands moving to cover her face. She could feel the bandages on her forehead.
"Shh," Will comforted her, moving forward to place his hands on either side of her face. "Don't be sorry, my love. Just get better. You didn't fail anyone, Tessa. You just got sick. The doctors tell us that 10-20 percent of new moms get postpartum depression. This isn't your fault."
"They've put you on antidepressants," Jem told her, and it was only then that Tessa realize she was in a hospital. "And Will and I will take care of Lucie for a while."
"And the pills will fix it?" Tessa asked hopefully.
"That, and you have to talk to us," Will explained. "You have to tell us how you feel."
"I feel like a bad mom," Tessa cried. She could feel the tears running down her face. "I feel like everything sucks and will never get better. Like there are chains around my chest trying to stop me from breathing. And I- I res-re" She took a deep breath then managed it. "I resent my own daughter for making me so miserable. I feel like I am letting everyone down."
Saying the words out loud was terrifying, but somehow it helped. Those words she'd failed to say for months as things slowly got worse all poured out at once had made her feel lighter. Jem and Will's support made Tessa believe there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel.
New job is awesome and I am still writing like a spaz. :D The next chapter is done as well and will go up tomorrow. ^_^
Sneak Peek Chapter 78
"I am not going to talk to him," Maia said again. "Stop nagging me."
"I have somehow gotten caught up in the middle of this mess," Simon whined. "If you two would just talk to each other, then maybe I could butt out."
"You could just butt out now," Maia offered.
"Yes, because listening to your roommates pine for his ex all day, then going to hang out with his ex all night isn't at all confusing for me," Simon whined.
"Oh boo hoo, I'm Simon," Maia mocked him. "I'm having awesome sex, and I have so many friends they've dated each other. Life is just so hard." Simon gave her a look and she added, "Yes, Izzy talks." Simon couldn't help but grin. "That was not meant to be a compliment."
"Tough," Simon replied. "I'm taking it as one."
"You're annoying," Maia whined.
"And yet, you keep hanging out with me," Simon reminded her.
"I don't have a lot of friends is all," Maia explained.
"Oh, is that it?" Simon laughed.
"Yes," Maia whined. "Now are we gonna watch Star Trek or not?" Laughing, Simon started up the movie.
