tw homophobia / there are some small mentions of homophobia during ailana and marlene's conversation at the end of Marlene's pov. let me know if y'all want anymore info and i'll be happy to provide it!
.: Chapter Twelve: The Relief of a Confession :.
"It's never too late to be who you might have been." – George Elliot
The fifteenth of December had finally rolled around and Marlene had awoken to a chorus of Happy Birthdays from her best friends. The real wake up call, though, was Ailana pouncing on her and tickling her until she couldn't breathe from her laughter. Despite the fact that today was her birthday, it was also a Wednesday, so classes started in an hour and breakfast was waiting.
For the first time in a while, Marlene was headed to the Great Hall with a genuine smile on her face. She felt good today, and that feeling accompanied her throughout her classes. At lunch, the Marauders had belted out a truly horrible rendition of 'Happy Birthday' that'd made Marlene's face burn from embarrassment, but then they presented her with a small chocolate cake with smudged icing. She could just make out the word 'day', but it had made her smile anyway.
"It's really all Wormy's fault," Sirius defended. "It did say 'Happy Birthday', but then he dragged his robes through it and messed it all up. It tastes fantastic, though."
"He would know," Remus added with a laugh. "He ate half the raw batter before we could put it in the oven."
"That's why it's so small, you see?" James pointed out.
She had thanked them, giving each one of them hugs over the table, and then lunch had gone on as normal. And Sirius was right because the cake was delicious. She felt like a balloon after she'd only scarfed down half of it.
However, now she was seated in the Potions classroom, enduring a double period of lecture on a horribly hard stool. She was bored out of her mind and her notes had tapered off a while ago, giving way to little doodles and aimless scribbling. Mary kept nudging her, trying in vain to get her to pay attention to Slughorn, but if she had to stop her movements and listen to him drone on any longer, she'd fall asleep. She stuck to doodling.
Marlene let her mind wander back to the events of that morning one week ago while she made the finishing details on her drawing—a whole litter of crups this go around. She had gone with Emmeline and Mary to the Headmaster's office first thing in the morning after Mary had told them that Mulciber had been the one to attack her. Despite Mary's weepiness in the dormitory before she'd fallen asleep that night one week ago, she was stoic as she informed the Headmaster of her new-found memory.
Mary had taken Lily's suggestion to heart about Avery possibly being the second attacker, and she'd told Dumbledore about her suspicions. Dumbledore had commended her for her bravery and assured her that the two Slytherin boys would be punished. Mary had refused to stay in the room while he questioned both Avery and Mulciber, but McGonagall had pulled Mary aside after her first lesson and told her what had transpired.
Apparently Mulciber had confessed to the crime as soon as Dumbledore had asked him if he'd done it, and then he'd thrown Avery under the bus almost immediately. Apparently, he then attempted to backtrack like there was no tomorrow and insisted that he'd actually acted alone. Avery wasn't forthcoming about any of it, and he'd refused to admit he had anything to do with it.
In the end, Mulciber was suspended. He had been sent home for the holidays a week early, and he would be returning a week late. This gave Mary peace of mind, and Marlene too if she were honest about it. Avery, though, had only received a week of detention because there was no way to prove he'd actually done it.
A large part of the older Slytherins weren't very happy about this development, and they defended their two classmates' honor through well-timed hexes in the corridors and an array of tripping jinxes.
On a happier note, most of the Hufflepuffs had been released from the Hospital Wing by now, and there was only one seventh year still under Madam Pomfrey's care. Marlene had only heard rumors, but apparently his sight had yet to return and the professors and the healer haven't a clue as to why. All the other Hufflepuffs had regained their sight after Pomfrey had given them the Oculus Potion—everyone but that seventh year. Marlene had even overhead a first year boasting that the potion had given him the ability to see all the way across the Black Lake without binoculars, and there was another third year that insisted he could see through clothes.
At dinner five nights ago, Dumbledore had informed the school that the problem had originated in the Kitchens. He explained that someone had added something to the food at the Hufflepuff table that had caused the temporary blindness and nausea. The last thing Dumbledore had said was that the staff were looking into the matter further, but that it wouldn't happen again.
Marlene would believe that when she saw it.
At a lull in Slughorn's lecture, she raised her hand and asked to be excused to the restroom. She didn't actually have to go, but maybe she'd splash some water on her face, perk herself up some.
Being happy was exhausting.
.:..:.
"Marlene?" Lily asked. They'd been at dinner for a half-hour now, and Lily had just spooned several servings of treacle tart onto her plate. Marlene looked from her friend's overflowing plate to her face before answering, a smirk on her lips.
"Yes, Lils?"
"You know I love you right?" she asked, tilting her head and looking at Marlene with an odd expression.
"What's wrong?" Marlene asked sternly. She'd known that this day was too good to be true. The universe was smacking her down for her happiness. Something horrible had happened and everything was going to go back to the way it was a month ago.
"I don't have your birthday present with me," Lily said.
The downward spiral that had commenced inside Marlene's head was halted immediately.
"What?" she responded, a little dumbfounded.
"I owl-ordered something for you, like, a month ago and it hasn't shown up yet," Lily replied in a rush. "I do have a present for you, but I don't have your present for you."
Marlene, irritated at herself for jumping to conclusions and, if she were honest, a little irritated at Lily for freaking her out, just let out a breath of laughter.
"That's totally fine, Lily," Marlene affirmed. "I wasn't expecting anyone to get me anything anyway."
"But it's your birthday!" Lily exclaimed. "Everyone's got you something!"
"They did?" Marlene furrowed her brows.
"Of course we did, you ninny." Lily laughed. "And I asked Ja—uh, Potter to get us some Butterbeers from Hogsmeade. We've got the whole shebang set up in our dorm right now! Why do you think I'm the only one down here eating with you?"
Marlene didn't want to say that she thought Lily was the only one eating with her because no one else wanted to listen to the professors wish her a happy birthday any longer, so she just shrugged. Even if Marlene had something to say, it would have been startled away when Lily's eyes widened and she smacked a hand over her own mouth.
"I wasn't supposed to tell you that!" she mumbled from behind her hand. "Ailana is going to kill me. Promise me you'll act surprised?"
Marlene was still a little confused, but she nodded and patted a distressed looking Lily on the arm. Her friend sighed in relief.
"Okay, I'm going to steal this plate of treacle tart, let's head back to the dorm," Lily said.
Marlene and Lily were arm in arm, the heaping plate of dessert balanced on Lily's other hand, when Marlene spotted Andrew a few paces up. She groaned and looked frantically for a place to hide herself, but he'd already spotted her. Lily was looking on curiously.
"Well hello, Marlene," Andrew called, still a ways down the corridor.
Andrew has been driving her completely up the walls these past few weeks. Ever since she had turned down his offer, or more of a demand, for a date in Hogsmeade a month ago, he'd been badgering her constantly. His main conversation starters included, "Why did you say no?" and "Don't you know I'm rich?" and "I'd plan a really nice date for you," and, her most favorite, "If you weren't such a prude maybe you'd have more guys asking you out."
Marlene didn't' respond to him, and she just held a little tighter to Lily's arm. He usually didn't need a response anyway. He was self-involved enough to carry a conversation on his own.
"Have you changed your mind yet?" he called.
They'd almost reached each other now and Marlene picked up the pace, not wanting to linger anywhere near him. Lily was walking very quickly, her small stature making her take two steps for every one step of Marlene's. Marlene was forced to slow down just enough so her friend wouldn't stumble, and so it wouldn't look like she was trying to run away from him.
She still hadn't answered him, and Lily's expression had gone from curious to wary.
"You'll say yes eventually." She was close enough to see his smirk now. "Once you realize that I'm the only guy around here who'll ever ask you out, you'll come to your senses."
Lily gasped, and Marlene watched her friends face redden with anger. "How dare you!" Lily hissed.
"Leave it," Marlene whispered. She didn't want this encounter to ruin whatever was waiting for her in her dormitory. She could tell Lily wasn't happy about her request, but Lily shut her mouth tightly and just glared at him.
"Oh you don't have to answer," Andrew said. "Just the fact that I know you're listening is enough. I happen to like a woman that doesn't talk. It's a nice change from the usual nonsense that comes out of your lots' mouths. I feel just a little better when I know you're aware that I hold all the power."
Just as they were passing by him, Lily's plate of treacle tart flew from her hand. She let out a cry as her uneaten dessert splattered all over the ground and Andrew just laughed. Marlene watched as he slipped his wand back up his sleeve.
"What's wrong with you?" Marlene shouted.
Really? she thought. Was he six years old?
But scratch that. Even Marlene's six-year-old sister wouldn't be that childish.
"Go out with me and I'll tell you all about what's wrong with me," he offered. "I assure you that it's a long list that I'm willing to bet you could add something to. Maybe it'll make you feel a little more like a woman, hmm? Telling a person everything that's wrong with them."
"Marlene is twice the woman you'll ever be!" Lily exploded. Marlene cringed.
"Well that much is obvious by the fact that I'm a man," Andrew drawled.
"Oh, that much is very obvious," Lily fumed. "Men are notorious for their disappointing attitudes, pathetic come-ons, and overly large egos. You definitely fit the brand, Baskard, so don't stress yourself."
Andrew was laughing as Marlene pulled Lily down the corridor and away from him. He called out a cheerful "See you tomorrow!" just before they were out of sight.
"What is that guy's deal?" Lily complained.
Five minutes later they were almost to the portrait hole, and Marlene hadn't been able to get a single word in between Lily's ranting. Before Lily could carry this problem into the common room, Marlene came to a halt and grabbed her by her shoulders, forcing her friend to turn and look her in the eye.
"Lily, you've got to let this go," Marlene stressed. "This has been happening for a month. I'm used to it."
"You shouldn't have to be 'used to it', Marlene!" Lily retorted. "You shouldn't have to stand for that shit!"
"Okay," Marlene appeased. "You're right. Whatever you say, but can we drop it for now? I want to see what you lot have planned for me."
Marlene smiled, and it wasn't entirely forced, so Lily nodded.
"I'm really mad about my treacle tart," she complained.
"I know." Marlene giggled. "I am, too."
There was nothing unusual about the common room besides that it was extremely crowded for it still being dinnertime. Lily walked straight to the girls' dormitory steps, though, so Marlene considered the extra bodies a coincidence. It only took thirty seconds to reach the stairs, but Lily was already out of sight. This made Marlene smile for some strange reason.
As she pushed open the door to her dormitory, there was a loud chorus of cheers, and the word "Surprise!" echoed off the walls and down the steps. Mary and Emmeline were each holding a Butterbeer, and Alice was standing atop one of the dorm beds, wand in hand. She'd showered the room in multi-colored confetti as soon as Marlene had pushed open the door. Ailana was the one closest to her and she was holding a few strings of plastic beads, identical to the ones around her own neck, and her smile was enormous.
"Happy birthday, love," Ailana congratulated, placing the beads around Marlene's neck and adjusting them. Ailana was one of the few girls that she knew who was taller than her, so Marlene looked up at her while she hummed a silly tune under her breath and continued fussing over the beads.
"Thanks, Ailana," Marlene responded. She smiled when Ailana had yet to step back, her hands still moving the necklaces about. "I think they're fine."
Ailana laughed and stepped back. She was turning away when she replied, "Of course."
It was clear that the girls had been lounging on the floor. As Marlene took a seat next to Mary on the hardwood, she'd expected her body to protest, but a cushioning charm had obviously been applied. Every pillow and blanket from the room was piled on the floor between Mary and Emmeline's beds. Marlene had been smiling almost constantly throughout the day, and the sight of the presents stacked next to the wall and the closeness of all her friends made that grin grow.
They spent most of their night gossiping and Marlene put off opening her presents for as long as she could, but she was too excited to hold out for long. Lily had looked sheepish the entire time, but Marlene was flying high. The gifts were lovely and she couldn't wait to try out the new Quidditch gloves that Emmeline had given her. She'd put Ailana's gift on straight away because there wasn't a universe in which she would leave a charm that pretty inside of a jewelry box or on a nightstand. It was a tiny burgundy Quaffle, and a small golden 'M', on a delicate gold chain. She'd thrown her arms around Ailana when she'd opened it and asked her to clasp it for her.
It was just them awake now. Everyone else had fallen asleep right there on the floor, squished in next to each other with arms and legs overlapping. Ailana sat on one end, one leg thrown over Lily's and the other buried under a blanket. Marlene was cross-legged and she was fiddling with the frilly tassels on the new scarf Alice had given her when Ailana spoke up.
"How're you?" Ailana asked. "Lily was all red when she came in here earlier and all we could get out of her before you showed up was 'Baskard is a bastard'. Which is really funny actually, and I laughed when she said it, but anyway, I know he's been bothering you lately."
"It's nothing, really," Marlene assured.
"You can tell me about it, you know that?" Ailana informed. "I'm not going to judge you or anything. I've just been watching you this last month and I'm… concerned."
"You don't need to be concerned," Marlene tried to soothe, attempting to push the conversation in a different direction.
"You're my friend, Marlene. I care about you so of course I'm going to be concerned. Especially because I know that Andrew actually is a bastard—literally and figuratively."
Marlene laughed. "It's not that big of a deal, honestly."
Ailana just looked at her and raised a single eyebrow. That look always got to Marlene because she'd never been able to achieve that single eyebrow raise. Ailana knew that it would get her talking and Marlene hated to prove her right, but she couldn't help it.
"He asked me out in Hogsmeade." Marlene sighed and resigned herself to divulging all her crap. "He was sitting next to me while I was waiting on drinks and he was being, quite possibly, the most annoying person that I'd ever had to talk to. I told him no, of course. He's a horrible person and he'd make a more than horrible boyfriend."
"I'm sensing a 'but' in here somewhere," Ailana added.
"But," Marlene stressed, not believing what was about to come out of her mouth. "No one has ever asked me out before, and it was sort of nice to be noticed for once. I'm always around you guys, and you're all so pretty and no one ever sees me when they have Lily to look at. Or you, for Godric's sake. You're like the gods' gift to man!"
"I prefer to think of myself as the goddess's gift to women, actually." Ailana laughed.
"You know what I mean," Marlene grumbled, blushing a little and eyeing her friends to make sure they were still asleep.
"Actually I don't know what you mean," Ailana contradicted. "You're beautiful Marlene, and you shouldn't define your beauty by the amount of people who comment on it. Because everyone notices it, believe me."
Marlene's face was burning as she continued, needing not to dwell on any of what was just said. "Well, he asked me out and I said 'no' and apparently he doesn't like to be turned down because he's been up my arse about it ever since. It's driving me nuts! Especially because he's really awful to me in the process and he makes me feel sort of shitty about myself. Which sucks, because I feel bad enough about myself without any of his help, thanks."
"Do you want me to beat him up? 'Cause I'll do it." Marlene could tell by her face that she meant it too.
"Not yet." Marlene smiled. "I can handle it myself for now, but if it gets any worse, I promise to call in reinforcements."
Instead of the smile that Marlene was hoping to draw out of Ailana, she received a frown instead.
"Do you want to hear something crappy about me that'll maybe make you feel better?" Ailana eventually said.
"Sure," Marlene replied, rolling her eyes.
"You know all those rumors about me? And how they're all started by Amira Shafiq? The sixth-year girl from Slytherin?"
"Yeah, I'd have to live under rock not to know about all that," Marlene said, chuckling.
"Yeah—okay, I know you know." Ailana took a deep breath. "Well Ami starts all those rumors mainly because her parents are shit, but the other reason is that she kissed me in the middle of fourth year. She had been flirting with me for forever and I finally told her that I liked her, and that I thought she was really pretty, and was wondering if maybe she'd like to go to Hogsmeade with me one day? She said yes and then she kissed me. Like really kissed me. She was my first kiss and it was honestly everything that I could ever hope for in a first kiss."
"How did you get from there to here?" Marlene wondered.
"Well, we went to Hogsmeade together and everything was great. I didn't tell any of you guys because she didn't want me to. I mean, everyone has known that I'm gay since I was, like, six and I'm never shy about the fact that I like women, but I understood. People are in different situations and people, I don't know, 'come to terms with it' at different times. Which is sucky wording, but I understood her. She wasn't out yet, and she wasn't ready for anyone to know about her being gay, so I agreed with keeping it a secret."
Ailana's eyes grew wide. "Oh Godric, Marlene. You can't tell anyone about this, okay? She still doesn't want anyone to know, so promise me you won't out her!"
"Shh," Marlene breathed eyeing their sleeping friends again. "I promise. I'd never do that to someone, even if she does say horrible things about you."
"Okay," Ailana breathed, obviously very relieved. "I just realized that I probably shouldn't be telling you this. I mean just because I, you know, sort of hate her, doesn't mean that I didn't care about her once. But it's just—it's sort of nice to finally tell this to someone, even if I shouldn't and–"
"Ailana," Marlene cut in. "Breathe, alright?"
Ailana closed her eyes and did as instructed. "Right. Okay. Anyway, we hung out with each other through the rest of fourth year and it was great. Like, really fantastic, you know?"
"Yeah," Marlene sighed, then closed her eyes and shook her head. "Actually I don't know, but I can imagine."
"And even over the summer we still met up a few times. Then fifth year came around and it only took a month before she got a letter from her parents. Apparently her older brother had written home about her and told them that he was worried about his little sister spending so much time with 'someone like me'. She was really upset when she was telling me all of this, and then she said we needed to stop seeing each other because she didn't want her family to find out about us. I was confused because there's a difference from being scared and nervous to tell your family something, and being purely terrified about it.
"And she was terrified. She wouldn't even look at me while she was telling me this, and I tried to comfort her and reassure her that everything would be okay when she just started screaming that everything was my fault. Her being gay was my fault. And her brother writing home was my fault. Basically, everything that was going wrong in her life was my fault. She went from being someone that I really cared about a lot, and saw everyday, to someone that I didn't even recognize."
"Ailana," Marlene breathed. She had known that something had been going on at the end of last year, but she didn't expect this.
"The rumors started a week later and she was avoiding me completely. At first, I thought she was just trying to throw her brother off our scent, but then the rumors started being really cruel. And I'd been dating her for almost six months so she knew a whole bunch of stuff about me, and she knew exactly where to hit to hurt the most. Sometimes she still tries to talk to me, and I remember what it was like when we were together, but then all the horrible things she's said about me come flooding back."
"Ailana, I'm so sorry," Marlene consoled. "She has no right to do that to you. Even if you hadn't had a history with her, what she's said about you would be horrible, but this… this sucks, girl."
"Well I'm over it," Ailana said, though she clearly wasn't. "And now you know that we both have crappy situations in our life."
"My crappy situation doesn't even compare to yours." Marlene shook her head. "I'll have to give Andrew some more material to work with so I can even the score."
This got a smile out of Ailana just as Marlene was hoping that it would.
"Plus, Ami's just jealous that you never hide who you are," Marlene added. "I don't have a clue what she's going through, but she could have asked you for help instead of throwing you under the bus like she did. There were a ton of other ways that she could have handled her situation."
Ailana didn't respond for several minutes, and they just sat there. Mary let out a quiet cough and both Marlene and Ailana gave a little jump. Eventually, Ailana curled up next to Lily on the floor and closed her eyes. By the looks of it, her confession had really worn her out. Marlene sighed, and wished her goodnight. She waved her wand and the remaining lights in the dorm winked out. As they were lying there in the darkness, she heard Ailana mumble into her pillow, "I'm going to kick Baskard's arse tomorrow, by the way—even though you said not to."
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Buying Christmas presents had never been something that Remus was good at. The main concern was that he was poor, and didn't really have the spare coins to spend on presents. His other concerns were that he'd buy something and his friends wouldn't like the gift, or they'd buy him something really nice and expensive that he couldn't reciprocate, or, the worst one yet, he couldn't find anything at all and didn't even give his friends gifts. It was the last Hogsmeade trip before winter break began, and he was walking around the village on his own, having ditched his friends so he could purchase said presents.
It was two days before the full moon so he was keenly aware of his tiredness and the aches in his lower back and knees. Both Sirius and James had protested him going off on his own, but they never pushed him on this front so he just ignored them. Their concern was appreciated, but not needed. He'd been living like this since before he could remember, so he was well-acquainted with how much his body could handle.
Despite his worries about gifts, he found something for James, Peter, Lily and Ailana fairly quickly. An hour later, he'd purchased something for his parents, Marlene, Alice, and Emmeline and he was still under the budget that he'd set aside for himself—kudos to second hand shops. The only person he couldn't seem to find anything for was Sirius. Nothing that he'd seen in any of the stores had snagged his attention. Everything was too plain or too small or too expensive. He was just resigning himself to the fact that he'd have to give it up for the day, when he saw it, tucked away on a shelf in the antique store. He picked it up and paid for it immediately. It was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand, but it was perfect and he set off to meet his friends.
Today was one of the coldest days since Remus had been back at Hogwarts. He was shivering in his worn jacket, the warm wool mittens that his mum had made him were covering his hands, and he had his school scarf wrapped up over his nose and mouth with his hat pulled low over his ears. When the blessed warmth of the Three Broomsticks washed over him, he let out a shiver. He knew cold weather made his joints stiff, but going immediately from freezing cold wind to a sweltering pub with a crackling fire wasn't much better. It always gave him chills.
He spotted his friends immediately, packed in around the corner booth in the back that they always claimed. The majority of his friends didn't want to brave the frigid weather, however, so they were still nestled up in the dormitories, likely drinking hot chocolate and making Remus jealous that he'd put off his Christmas gift buying for so long. Only Sirius, Ailana, Lily, and Emmeline had braved the cold. There was an unfamiliar face seated next to Emmeline, though, and Remus eyed the bloke as he walked towards the table, taking off his mittens and unwinding his scarf as he did so.
This unnamed guy was quite handsome—really handsome, if Remus were being honest. He had dark skin, almost like Ailana's, and he had crazy blue eyes underneath his dark eyebrows. Remus had always preferred grey eyes, but this man's eyes were extremely striking. Remus was still staring at them as he sat down next to Sirius on the bench opposite the stranger.
"And who's this?" he asked casually and in greeting.
"This is Miguel!" Emmeline informed, a smile on her face. "We met over the summer while I was in Italy, and he's going to be in England for the holidays. Miguel, this is Remus, one of my friends that I was telling you about."
Remus nodded at him. "Nice to meet you," he said.
His friends picked up their conversation where they'd left off and Remus just tried to catch up. Sirius nudged his arm and pushed a mug of something in his direction. Sirius nodded towards the drink when Remus had yet to take it, so Remus lifted the mug to his lips and took a sip. Sweet hot chocolate flooded his mouth and Remus moaned a little. He loved the hot chocolate from the Three Broomsticks, and he was surprised that Sirius remembered this fact.
"Thanks," Remus whispered, not wanting to interrupt everyone else's conversation.
"Of course," Sirius whispered back.
Remus had been avoiding Sirius for a while now—ever since the night after their first Hogsmeade trip of the year. When Sirius had first walked in, all Remus had smelled was booze and cigarette smoke, but then he came a little closer and it hit him. He wasn't sure what the smell was, and he still couldn't place it exactly, but the second the enticing scent had reached him, his mind went completely blank and his body began running on pure instinct and adrenaline. The full moon had still been over a week away, but he was convinced that the… other side of him was the reason for his strong reaction. Remus wasn't even sure what had been happening until all of a sudden, his nose was buried in Sirius's hair and all he could think of doing was kissing his way down his best mate's neck. He had jerked away so fast that he'd almost fallen over. He didn't even brush his teeth that night because he dove behind his curtains as soon as he'd entered his dorm room.
Sirius had yet to bring the whole incident up, and Remus definitely wasn't going to be the one to do it first. He knew that Sirius was aware of his avoidance, but he still managed to make his presence known whenever he was in Remus's general vicinity. Like last month when Sirius had sprawled himself across his lap in the common room and refused to budge. (Remus believed he should receive a medal for the amount of restraint he'd shown that night, as not even his hands had strayed from their resting places on the armchair. Honestly, Remus should receive something just for compensation of all the disgusting things he'd had to think of just to avoid the thought that Sirius Black was quite literally in his lap.) Or like now, for instance. Remus was acutely aware of Sirius sitting right next to him. Their shoulders brushed whenever Sirius shifted on the bench, and Remus could feel his face getting hot.
He couldn't have a crush on his best friend (even if literally all the signs were pointing in that direction). Especially when said friend had never given him any indication that he even liked blokes. At least, Remus didn't think that he did. It wasn't even until the day that Sirius found out he'd been officially disowned that he'd even thought of his friend like that. Sirius was sitting there, his face blotchy and his nose stuffed, and all Remus wanted to do was hold him while he cried. He'd told Sirius that they could talk about that later, but then the weird smelling thing happened and it was never brought up again.
Hiding his feelings sucked, but sharing his feelings and looking like an idiot sucked even more.
Sirius nudged him and Remus jumped, illogically thinking that Sirius knew what he'd been thinking about, but his friend only asked him to move so he could use the loo. Remus got up quickly, which gave him a head rush because he hadn't ate yet today, and Sirius slid out of the booth. Just before Remus could slip back into his seat, Sirius grabbed his arm and started pulling him towards the toilets.
"What're you doing?" he asked, tripping over a chair and almost sending himself sprawling. "Wait, stop—slow down Sirius, good Godric."
But Sirius didn't slow down until they'd reached the restroom, and even though Remus's knees were protesting him and he could have easily pulled his arm from Sirius's grip, he allowed himself to be dragged along. Sirius locked the door behind them after checking under the stall doors to make sure they were alone. Remus stood in silence this whole time, deeply confused and more than a little freaked out.
"What's wrong with you?" Sirius asked, blunt as usual.
"What's wrong with me?" Remus responded. "You're the one who dragged me into the loo and locked the door! It's me who should be asking you that."
"No, you've been avoiding me for weeks and I want to know why," Sirius stated, his grey eyes flashing with an emotion that Remus couldn't decipher. "Is it because I got snot all over you the night I got disowned? Or is it because you went all weird and tried to feel me up in the common room while I was a little drunk?"
"I didn't try to 'feel you up', Sirius," Remus sighed. "I was just—and I'm not really avoiding you…"
"Yes, you are 'really' avoiding me," Sirius retorted, and it was anger in his eyes this time. "You haven't spoken directly to me in weeks! And I've been trying to get your attention out there for ten minutes to talk about how full of shit everything is that comes out of that guy Miguel's mouth!"
"I didn't notice," Remus mumbled.
"'You were just' what?"
"Now I'm really lost," Remus replied, trying to rub the tiredness from his eyes.
"You said you weren't feeling me up, and that 'you were just…'"
"You smelled nice," Remus mumbled, his face aflame and his hands clammy. He was also convinced that Sirius really had been reading his thoughts earlier.
"Bullshit," Sirius laughed half-heartedly. "I smelled like a brewery and smoke shop. That's not usually a nice smell, Moony."
"No," Remus protested. "There was something else. I don't know what it was, but apparently my… um, other side really liked it. Plus I was tired, and I didn't really know what I was doing."
"Oh," Sirius said. He was blushing now too, and Remus tried very hard to not think about how breathy his little 'oh' had sounded.
"And I'm not avoiding you, Padfoot," Remus assured. "Really, I'm not. I was just worried that you'd be freaked out by what I did. and I was embarrassed to talk about it. I never talk about how the wolf part of me affects the human part of me, but apparently this is one of the ways. It was a fluke and it won't happen again, honest."
"Remus, you don't—"
'Bang, Bang, Bang.'
Both Sirius and Remus jumped when someone started banging on the locked bathroom door. Remus darted to it and unlocked it immediately. He apologized to the rather gruff looking man standing there and walked quickly back to the table. He sat back down just as Miguel was finishing a story about him hiking to the top of the Apennine Mountains without any provisions. It took Remus all of two seconds to realize that Sirius was absolutely right. This guy was full of crap.
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Forcing himself to go back to the table was one of the hardest things Sirius had ever done. His feelings for Remus had snuck up on him. He'd always known that his friend was attractive, and that he usually preferred to be around him than anyone else, but today was the first time that he'd actually been really confronted with said feelings. Lying with Remus on that dorm bed was one thing because they hadn't talked about what they were doing. And Remus being so close to him that night in the common room, and all Sirius wanting was for him to just kiss him, was also just something that happened. But actually standing in that bathroom, discussing how Sirius smelt and how that affected Remus, was a different thing entirely. Remus's beet red face and clumsy words had sent Sirius's feelings in a spiral.
He had a crush on one of his best friends. A massive crush.
As soon as he reached the table and heard Miguel boasting about the amount of fruit he'd sold in a single day, he knew he couldn't stay there. He needed to talk to someone about this. He needed to talk to James, even if the thought of saying what he was thinking out loud made him nauseated.
"I'm going to head back," Sirius informed, grabbing his coat and things from the seat. "I promised Prongs that I'd help him come up with some new plays for the next Quidditch match."
"Okay, do you want me to come back with you?" Ailana asked, looking back and forth between him and Remus as she did.
"No, I'll be fine," Sirius assured. "Stay and finish your Butterbeer. I'll see you lot back up at the castle later. It was—er, nice to meet you Miguel."
Sirius didn't wait for anyone to respond, he just started for the door. He walked to the castle in a haze, not believing that he was actually going to do this, but knowing that it felt right—finally, it felt right. He tracked snow almost all the way up to Gryffindor tower, but he couldn't care less about what Filch would think of the mess. His assumptions about James being in the common room were correct. He and Peter were sat in front of the fire, playing a game of Wizarding Chess, when Sirius marched right up, grabbed ahold of his friend's arm, and pulled him up. He was dragging around a lot of his friends today, so why stop and be polite now?
James caught on quicker than Remus, and he shook off Sirius's hand, following him up to the dormitory with a friendly "Be right back!" thrown over his shoulder for Peter's benefit. Sirius let James in through the dormitory door first, and then he locked it behind them. As added security, he also took out his wand and cast a silencing spell on the room.
Out of all the conversation starters running through his mind, he really did blurt out the one that made the least amount of sense.
"I don't have a crush on Marlene," he stated.
"Er… okay?" James acknowledged. "Is that why you look as pale as death incarnate? Because you don't fancy McKinnon?"
"Do you know why I don't fancy Marlene?" Sirius asked, his heart beating a mile a minute inside his chest. It was so loud that he was sure James could hear it.
"I don't know, maybe because she's, like, two heads taller than you?" James smiled.
"No. I don't have a crush on Marlene because she's a girl, James." The blood was rushing through his ears and all he could see was James's confused face. "She could be two heads shorter than me and it wouldn't matter because she's a girl, and I'm gay."
His friend was silent for a minute before he started laughing. Sirius's stomach dropped as he waited to hear what James had to say. Sirius was unfoundedly expecting to be told that he didn't know what he was talking about. That he'd get over it. He knew his expression displayed every horrible thing he was feeling, but all James said was, "Can you imagine Marlene two heads shorter than you? She'd be the size of a ten-year-old!"
James was laughing now, and it was Sirius's turn to be confused.
"I tell you one of my biggest secrets and that's what you focus on?" Sirius asked, more than a little exasperated.
"I'm sorry," James smiled. "Sorry mate. But okay, that's cool."
"Cool?" Sirius said, not believing that this was how this was going down.
"Yeah, 'cool'," James shrugged.
"Did you know then?" Sirius accused. "Is that why you can only say 'cool'?"
"No, I didn't have any idea," James assured with another shrug. "But you're still you. The only thing that's going to change is I'm obviously going to stop accusing you of fancying McKinnon, and then thinking you're full of shit when you say that you don't."
"Yeah what was with that by the way?" Sirius asked. "Why didn't you ever take my word for it?"
"Oh, I don't know." James shrugged again. "I just see the way that she looks at you, and I figured you were just too chicken shit to do anything about it."
"Marlene has a crush on me?" Sirius asked, feeling as though he were in an alternate dimension.
"I can't believe you didn't know." James laughed. "I mean, I guess I didn't really notice at first either because Remus was the one who pointed it out, but yeah, she likes you."
James's casual mention of Remus snapped him back into the mindset he was in when he'd walked into the castle. Remus. He needed to get someone's advice about his feelings, and since James was the king of pining, he was a good person to ask.
"There… there was a reason that I suddenly decided to tell you all of this," Sirius said. He sat down on the edge of his bed and pulled out the small green quilt that he'd taken to keeping under his pillow. "I need to ask you something."
"Alright, shoot," James coaxed.
"I have this… crush on someone," Sirius began after taking a deep breath. "And this someone wouldn't like me back because they're likely straight and not even into blokes at all. But let's say, hypothetically, that this person has done some stuff that's definitely not straight people behavior. But then, he completely writes off everything that could be placed in the 'not-straight' category as a fluke, and says that he was tired, or not even aware of what was going on nor aware of what he was doing."
James sat down beside him. "Do I know this person?" he asked.
Sirius took a second to answer, which was an answer in itself. Still, he only said, "Maybe."
"Okay, I'm just going to take one guess, just one," he stressed when Sirius opened his mouth to argue, "and if I'm wrong, I'll never mention it again—well, until you mention it yourself."
"Fine," Sirius agreed. "But just one."
"Is it… um, well," James stuttered.
"Oh, just spit it out, James."
"Is it Remus?" his friend said in a rush.
After a moment, Sirius whispered his confirmation. "Yes. Am I really that obvious?"
"No, it's just now that I know you like blokes, a whole bunch of pieces just sort of fall into place."
"What do I do, James?" he asked, his voice pleading.
"Honestly, mate," James said, "I'd talk to him about it."
"I just tried to talk to him about it in Hogsmeade and he practically bolted as soon as he had the chance. Any other advice—useful advice—would be appreciated, mate," Sirius drawled drily.
"Well maybe he's just nervous? Maybe he fancies you too and he's not ready to say anything about it?" James mused.
"Don't make me laugh!" Sirius barked. "He has had a great many chances to make some sort of move, and he's never made any sort of attempt."
"You sure about that?"
Sirius thought of how Remus initiated both the 'cuddling thing' and the 'common room thing', which are the only two instances that immediately came to his mind. But those are also the two instances that he explained away just now in the toilets at the Three Broomsticks. Nothing else he could think of would even remotely compare to that. He was almost sure that Remus didn't reciprocate his feelings. The thought of it had probably never even crossed his mind.
"Yeah Prongs, I'm sure," he sighed.
thanks so much for reading! i hope y'all enjoyed the chapter, particularly the part where sirius comes out to james because that was a joy to write. while writing this chapter, i consistently felt like that meme of a goose holding a knife and it says, 'looking for homerotic subtext, and if i cannot find it, i will create it.' jdksjd
on a different note, the coronavirus is taking over my life. all my classes are online, my college graduation/commencement is cancelled, and i'm losing my mind in all my 'social distancing.' hopefully, this will give me some more time to write fic and read some of my tbr, but looking on the bright side of this mess is a little hard.
anyway: drop me a review or a pm, have a good day, and wash your hands!
