Adam gave up on trying to put the exhibits into any kind of historical or scientific context after about fifteen minutes, and just let Yeshua lead them around to look at whatever happened to catch his interest.
"Where do you think Crowley and Aziraphale have gotten off to?" Adam asked. The museum was a large enough place, and Adam could just imagine the kind of trouble those two could be stirring up, left unsupervised.
"I don't know Aziraphale very well. He doesn't talk very much. He's… aloof," Yeshua said. "But, I wouldn't worry. Crowley can take care of himself."
Adam suspected that Yeshua didn't know either one of them at all. "Crowley cannot take care of himself. Neither one of them can. There's barely an ounce of common sense between the two of them. On a good day, Crowley can take care of Aziraphale, and Aziraphale can take care of Crowley. On a bad day, they end up incarcerated, or find inappropriate uses for… various household products."
"I don't understand."
Adam shook his head. "Trust me, you don't want to. Point is, they can't be trusted not to do something insane and ridiculous. We should find them and make sure that Crowley hasn't reanimated a dinosaur to eat someone for being rude to Aziraphale, or wose."
"You love them a great deal, don't you?"
Adam looked away across the room. "They're a pain in the arse, but they keep things interesting."
"That, I do understand," Yeshua said. "I spent many years travelling the world with Crowley."
Adam looked back up at that. "You did? With Crowley? But you're… well, you. How did you get away with chumming around with a demon?"
"How did you get away with not starting Armageddon?" Yeshua asked, his smile turning into a wry quirk of his lips. "I'm not an angel, and you aren't a demon. We have free will. We can make our own choices."
"Except," Adam said. "I made my choice. I don't want to have anything to do with Hell. So, She sent you down here to harass me into compliance."
"I'm not here to harass you," Yeshua argued, "and I didn't say that your choices were without consequence, or that they were infinite. Crowley offered to show me the world, because he thought that I should know what I would be giving up, and I found out what I was sacrificing myself for. That's how I was able to find peace with my purpose. You need to find that for yourself."
Adam snorted. "That's easy for you to say. Your destiny was to preach love and forgiveness, and die for the sins of mankind. My destiny was to bring about the end of the world in a bloody war between Heaven and Hell, and now apparently it's to rule over perdition as Lucifer's right hand man."
"You think that what I did was easy?"
"No," Adam admitted. "I guess not, but at least what you did was helping people. I'm just meant to destroy.
"So you think that ruling Hell won't help people?" Yeshua asked.
"Uh, no. Eternal torment and damnation is kind of the opposite of helping people."
"Is it, though?"
"Yes."
"They had free will. They were allowed to make their own choices, and they have to deal with the consequences. I'll let you in on a little secret. The Ineffable Plan isn't really that ineffable. Hell serves a purpose. Your father needed to be cast out of Heaven in order to fulfill that purpose. Without the threat of eternal damnation, what is to stop people from committing any number of atrocities?"
"What about common human decency?" Adam asked. "Do you have any idea how many people don't believe in Heaven and Hell these days? Those people don't run around raping and murdering people just because they don't believe in divine retribution. They're just regular people with the normal amounts of kindness and cruelty. There are plenty of devout Christians who have committed acts that the most dedicated atheist would never dream of. God's plan might not be ineffable, but that doesn't mean that it isn't stupid."
Yeshua sighed. "In my time, things were simpler. Everyone believed."
"Yeah, but people also died of the plague, and you know… nailed people to wooden crosses."
"True," Yeshua allowed. "We didn't have cars or television either."
"No phone, no lights, no motor cars," Adam sang. "Not a single luxury. Like Yeshua of Nazareth, it's primitive as can be."
"Yes," Yeshua laughed. "Just like Gilligan's Island, apart from the coconuts."
"No palm trees in Israel?" Adam asked. "What's all that business with Palm Sunday about then? I thought they threw them at you the last time you came into Jerusalem."
"We had palms, just not coconuts."
"Probably wouldn't have wanted them lobbing coconuts at you anyway," Adam said.
They had wandered their way back into the lobby, and Adam pointed across to where Aziraphale and Crowley were coming out of the gift shop. Aziraphale had a bag over one arm and a little plush T-Rex in his hand—a bright, happy smile lit his face. Crowley looked pleased with himself.
"They're going to be insufferable now," Adam said.
"Aziraphale looks quite a bit happier," Yeshua observed.
"That's what I mean. You can queue the sappy romance music now."
"Romance?" Yeshua frowned. "But,… he's an angel."
"Was an angel," Adam corrected.
"Wait. Are you saying that they…" Yeshua trailed off.
"You're staying at their place while you're here, aren't you?"
"Yes," Yeshua answered, still too shocked by this new revelation to understand how it would impact him.
"I'll get you some earplugs," Adam offered.
"Look at what Crowley bought me," Aziraphale called excitedly when they were still several paces away, holding up the plushie. "Isn't it cute? Look at its little arms."
"Yeah," Crowley said, draping himself sinuously over Aziraphale's shoulder. "Look at those cute little arms. Not exactly what I'd call intelligent design. More like a practical joke."
Adam clenched his jaw.
The whole paleontology thing had started out as a lark, a way to prove to his father just how disinterested he was in anything and everything to do with Heaven, Hell, Creationism, and everyone personally involved. But, the more he'd learned, the more he had turned a childish interest in dinosaurs into a true passion for the prehistoric world.
If he ever got another chance to have a little heart-to-heart with God, he had a lot of questions.
oOoOoOo
It may have been the weekend for most of the world, but Adam was a grad student, and he didn't actually have the luxury of taking a whole day off, at least not when he had about a million fossils to sort through for his advising professor before tomorrow morning. So, he'd promised to come up to London for a few hours tomorrow afternoon, and done his best to get rid of them all so that he could get back to work. He'd had limited success.
"One little miracle, and we could have them sorted for you," Aziraphale offered.
"No." Adam placed himself between the supernatural beings and the fossils. "No one who says that they don't believe in dinosaurs is allowed to perform miracles on the dino shit."
"Can't you do it?" Crowley asked. "You're granted power beyond mortal ken, and this is how you want to spend your time? Sorting through fake poop rocks by hand?"
"Yes," Adam said tersely. "As a matter of fact, it is."
Crowley rolled his eyes. "Come on, Adam. Yeshua is only here for a couple weeks. Let's show him around a bit."
"I'm not putting everything in my life on hold just because, after twenty-three years, yet another celestial family member suddenly feels like making an effort."
Crowley and Aziraphale both made the same expression, a shuffling kind of amused embarrassment, which Adam misread as guilt.
"What?" Adam asked, dreading the answer.
Crowley snickered, and Aziraphale elbowed him.
"Context, my dear," Aziraphale said, fondly.
Adam rubbed a hand over his face. "What is it? Do I even want to know?"
"Making an effort," Crowley said, smirking. "That's what we call it when…" He made a complicated gesture in the vicinity of his crotch, which somehow managed to clearly convey exactly what he meant.
"NO," Adam said. "The answer to that question was no. When I ask, 'do I even want to know,' and the answer has anything to do with genitalia, then it's always, always, no. Just say, 'No, Adam, you don't want to know,' and I can go on living in blissful ignorance—not knowing every single detail of your bloody sex life."
"You don't need to be such a prude," Crowley muttered.
"I'm not a prude. There's a difference between…. No. No. I'm not explaining this again. You only say things like that because you want to get a rise out of me," Crowley snickered, "and I'm not playing along this time. Yeshua," he turned to his uncle, "it was very nice meeting you, but you all need to leave now. I will see you tomorrow."
oOoOoOo
It has been said that there is no rest for the wicked, but Lucifer Morningstar, unlike his son, did take the weekend off. He hadn't led a revolution against Heaven just to serve in Hell without ever taking a break. He had a variety of sins to choose from, and he was currently enjoying the hell out of sloth and gluttony. With any luck, he might manage to indulge in a bit of lust before the night was over.
He was plying Azazel with his favorite pomegranate liqueur to that end, and they were ensconced comfortably on a scattered bed of cushions in the arboretum of the satanic residence, soft music and the rustle of leaves providing just the right mood for the evening.
Azazel was laughing, tossing his silver hair, and Lucifer was just leaning in to whisper wicked nothings into the shell of his ear, when the pervasive smell of excrement and the sound of the glass door to the conservatory, heralded an unwanted interruption.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, my lord," Hastur started.
Lucifer twisted one silver curl of Azazel's hair around his finger, watching how it caught the candlelight. "Then don't. Can't you see that I'm busy?"
"Yes, my lord, but it's about Adam."
Lucifer was on his feet in an instant, and grabbed Hastur by the front of his shirt.
"What about Adam?" he demanded.
Hastur cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Our agents have reported that he's been seen in the company of the Christ. Our back channels confirm that Jesus has been dispatched to Earth."
"WHAT?" Lucifer threw Hastur to the floor and loomed over him. "Why?"
"We don't know, my lord," Hastur whimpered. "The fairies were seen with them as well."
Azazel smirked, and Lucifer looked at his mouth with longing and disappointment.
He sighed. "I'm sending you up, Azazel. Get to the bottom of this. If He means to sway my son to His side, then I will send you to persuade His son over to ours. It seems clear now why Crowley failed in his temptation." Lucifer drew Azazel up to his feet and ran a hand over that perfect jaw, brushing fingers over soft lips. "You, my lovely one, will not be so easy to refuse."
