Trigger Warning:

This story contains some heavy content, and if you can't read things that relate back to self harm, or sexual assault, or anything like that, this might not be the story for you.

One Hundred and Nineteen Story

Girl In Pieces - TMI Version

Clary POV:

It wasn't that I didn't want to talk. It's just every time I went to say something, the anxiety of telling people my life always got caught in my throat. I was ashamed of what I've gone through, and what I did. I was a fuck up. A huge fuck up. The only people who ever understood me were Simon and Sebastian. But now I'm not even with them.

All I remember was falling down, and feeling incredibly numb, and after that I woke up in this home. The Institute. It was a place for people like me, well girls like me. Cutters, burners, and anything else that they consider 'a danger' to ourselves. I don't know how long I've been here, but for the first time in almost 2 years, I finally have a place to sleep, that isn't on the streets, and for that I was happy.

My life has been a constant string of stealing, cutting, drugs, alcohol, and meaningless sex with people who I gave permission, and with those who forced themselves upon me. Even though I am now at this mental institution, I know that it's better than selling my body for the next hit, or being forced into something that I don't want. For the first time in a long time, I know I'm going to eat, and I know I'm going to be able to sleep. For me, that was good enough.

Today was a normal day, I woke up and went to breakfast where I didn't eat. Than we had a sort of free period, which wasn't exactly free since we were monitored at all times. Alaric was the man who was always watching us. He's shit at his job. He's either so caught up with his phone or napping. We're supposed to be monitored 24/7, but when Alaric is on the clock, every girl here knows they can get away with shit. Maureen for example gets computer privileges, but when Alaric is asleep, she uses the computer to talk to the outside world, or hack into the system. She's never been caught before, but with how little attention Alaric actually pays to us, I'm not really suspired.

There are a lot of girls here who seem to be normal. Something that I never was, I was always the outcast, always the delinquent, always the freak. Take Aline for example, she is my roommate, and she's been here the longest. But in my eyes, she looks absolutely perfect on the outside. According to every other girl, she's never leaving. But our doctor here is also her mother, so I'm not surprised she has a lifetime sentence in this place. It can't be all bad though, she has a place to sleep, a place to eat, and her mother with her at all times. It may not be the Four Seasons, but it's better than nothing.

My mother didn't even come to claim me. But that doesn't surprise me either. She's never been one to care about me. After everything that went down, the only reason that she would come to collect me was so that she could hit me again, but that would require her being sober enough to remember I'm gone, and I don't see that happening any time soon.

I was staring out the window like I do every day. It was raining today, but it is Minnesota, so I don't expect sunny skies all that often in the winter months. All I can think about is how I would be sleeping in this right now. I would be curled up behind some dumpster, trying to escape from creepy Meliorn, and his House, and a dumpster is better than a park in the winter.

"Hey you." I heard and I turned around to see Maureen. "You every going to become a Chatty Cathy or are you destined to be Silent Sue for the rest of your days here?" She asked and I just looked back at the window. I wanted to answer her, but I couldn't form the words yet. "You know girl, you're going to have to open up eventually. No progress means no release. And I doubt you want to be fucking trapped here forever like Aline." She said before leaving.

But the thing was, I wouldn't mind being Aline. I wouldn't mind being trapped forever because at least I know that I'll have food and a warm bed to sleep in at night. Although, half the time I never sleep. Insomnia and paranoia is a wicked combination, and one hell of a bitch I'll tell you that much.

When we were instructed to head back to our room, I walked in and saw Aline sitting on her bed writing. That's all she ever does. Write. But I would be doing the same thing if I had anything to draw with. She writes for an entire day, dresses in the best clothes she possibly has, and has a smile on her face for most of her waking hours here, but since I don't sleep, I notice that she smiles in her sleep, and I couldn't even imagine what it must feel like to be that happy. It must be one hell of a feeling because I didn't even know what happiness was without being high or cutting. I lay on my bed until I hear Aline's breathing even out. Than I get out of bed and start wondering the halls like I do every night. It's the same thing every day. I've never had a routine before, but than again, I've never had someone care before. This might not be the kind of care I should have, but I'll take what I can get at this point.

Time Jump – Three Days Later

Clary POV:

We were in Group today, and all the girls were talking about how they were feeling, but not me. Jia knew that I was a selective mute. She knew that I would only open up in time, or at least that's what she told me in our private sessions.

Hearing all the girls inner thoughts and their struggles did make me feel less alone, but it made me feel lonely at the same time. They all seemed to own up to their struggles. Their scars. Their pasts. Their failures. But for me, owning up to my past, my struggles, my failures, my insecurities, my scars didn't mean progress, it only made me more aware of how truly fucked up I am. How I'll never be normal, and how the world accepts normal. They don't accept freak, and I'll never be who the world accepts.

"Hey Jia, how come Silent Sue over there never has to talk?" Maureen said and that caught my attention.

"Because talking in Group is optional Maureen, none of you have to talk if you don't want too." Jia said as she looked at me. I immediately looked down at my hands, as they dug into my forearms. They cut my nails real low so that I couldn't cause any damage to myself or others. It was a good idea, but I hated it more than anything. But with my recent injuries, I could still feel the burning sensation of my fingers digging into the fresh cuts I already had, and for right now, that would good enough for me.

"That's a load of bullshit if you ask me." Maureen said.

"And why is that?" Jia asked in her calm voice.

"Because we're all in here because we're fuck ups. We all know Silent Sue is fucking crazy, so why can't she tell us why she's that way? We ain't going to judge her." Maureen explained.

"Well Maureen, sometimes some people take a little more time to open up about their struggles." Jia said. She hated the terms cutting, burning, or anything like that. She would prefer if we used the term self harm, but it's rarely thrown around. Normally Jia just calls them struggles so that it's a wider net of issues. "Now, group is over for today." She said and everyone got up and left. "Except for you Clarissa. Come with me." She said quietly and I just nodded.

We got to her office and I took my normal seat behind the desk. I look at the tank in the corner of her office like I do every time. She had 8 fish in there. All different, all different sizes, colors, shapes, and lengths. She told me once that she uses her tank to describe The Institute. Filled with all different kinds of fish, but all coexisting together without any issues. She wants The Institute to work like that, but we're all too fucked to get along all the time.

"Now Clarissa, I know that you've come from some hard times." She started and I finally looked at her. "I've talked to Dr. Belcourt and she would like to look at your injuries." She said and I sighed. Injuries. She doesn't want to address what they really are. She doesn't want to acknowledge that I did it to myself. She doesn't want to be reminded that I'm fucked up. Even though she knows. "I made an appointment for one hour." She said. "You're dismissed." I got up and made my way to my room. I took a seat on my bed and pulled my legs into my chest and started rocking back and fourth. Jia told me to do this when I felt like everything was becoming too much. When I felt like a hurricane was brewing inside of me. So this is what I did. I knew other people had seen my scars, and I knew other people knew what I tried to do. But I was unconscious for that. I was going to be awake this time, and I didn't know how I was going to face someone knowing they knew what I did.

Time Jump – Appointment

Clary POV:

I was waiting in the room for the doctor when a nurse walked in. He was tall, and very tan. I don't know how he got so tan in Minnesota, but he was exceptionally tan. He had an amazing jaw line. I wanted to draw it.

"How are you doing today Clarissa?" He asked politely and I just shrug. "I'm going to be taking off the gauze for you, but after that, Dr. Belcourt will be cleaning and bandaging if she sees fit." He explained and I simply nodded.

He started with my arms. They were more accessible. He pulled the gauze off and it stung, but I welcomed the pain like an old friend. I looked down at the damage that I created, and I had to stop the small smile that was about to spread across my face. There was something satisfying knowing that I caused that much pain. Something so satisfying, yet so incredibly troubling.

"My god girl, you really went to town on these arms didn't you?" Jordan asked and yet again, I just shrugged. He put the cream on my arm, and the burning sensation felt like a warm blanket after a long winter night behind the dumpster. It felt like home. A home where the jagged spikes and the whips are a normality and pain is the only comfort you get. Once he was done, he switched gloves and looked back at me. "You ready for the next round?" He asked and I simply nodded. I pulled my pants down so he could work on my thighs. The cuts on my thighs were worse. Way worse. It was my masterpiece. My main event. The part that people would come to look at. But not in a good way. This would be the freak show. I wasn't da Vinci, but I was certainly talented.

He started removing the gauze, and I welcomed the pain once again. I looked down at my work, and I marveled at the amount of skin I managed to destroy. I looked at the place where porcelain skin once was, and I look at the valley's that I created. The valley's of human flesh trying to tell a story. Trying to tell a history. Trying to convince someone that I'm broken. Maybe I was trying to convince myself I'm broken, but I already know that.

"Nurse Elaine." I started and Jordan looked at me. "Bought me this underwear." I said and I have no idea why I said that, but I did. Maybe because I've been stealing for the past couple years and this is the first article of clothing that was new, and just mine.

"That was very kind of her." Jordan said. Not even mentioning that I just spoke for the first time since my 'incident' or that my sentence was completely and utterly embarrassing. "Did you thank nurse Elaine when she gave them to you?" Jordan and I I shook my head. "I think you should do that before you get released."

"Okay." I said and he nodded. He finally put the cream on my thighs and the pain seeped into my skin.

"Dr. Belcourt should be in momentarily." He said and I nodded. He left the room and I was alone. Everything sharp had been locked up so I stopped looking around and just focused on the wall. There was a picture. I don't know who it was by, but it was pretty. Well pretty enough. I could tell it wasn't professional, probably done by someone who is known locally. Either way, it added something pretty to the room, and we don't get that often here at The Institute.

"Good evening Clarissa." Dr. Belcourt said as she entered the room. "Jordan tells me your injuries are healing nicely." She said with a bright smile. Injuries. There's that word again. Why can't these people say the word scar? Its just a fucking word after all. "Which means that I think it's time to let them heal without the gauze." She said and I nodded. "Put this cream on them twice a day, and I'll reevaluate soon." She said and I nodded as I took the cream.

I got back to my room and it was nearly lights out. Aline was already in bed, humming to herself like she did every night. I waited until her breathing evened out before getting out of bed and wondering the halls. I see the nurses station and I see that Jordan is sitting behind it. I walked over and slam my hand on the counter.

"What do you want?" He asked.

*"Off." I say as I point to my hair. It's completely dead from the amounts of times I've dyed it.

"No can do kiddo." He said. "You have to wait until you're allowed to leave with the other girls. Than you can go to Hair Cuttery or something."

"NO." I yell. "It has to be done now." I said with as much conviction I can muster in my voice.

"Fine." He said. "You crazy bitch." He mumbled but I didn't care at this point. He was doing what I wanted him to do. "Follow me." He said and I did as I was told. He sat me down and started working on my hair. I didn't care that it slightly hurt. I needed this.

Time Jump – Next Day

Clary POV:

When I walked into the eating area, everyone went silent when they saw me. I looked down and got my tray of food and took a seat slightly away from the other girls, but like I always do. I was expecting everyone to go back to what they were originally doing, but when I looked up, they were all still staring at me. After what felt like hours, Seelie decided to speak.

*"Holy fucking Christ, Curly, check you out." Seelie said. They started calling me Curly when I wouldn't tell them my name. I can only assume its because of my hair, and for a long time I didn't care that they called me a bunch of nicknames. I didn't have to speak, and that's all that mattered.

*"I hate you, Silent Sue, but you look a shit-ton better. Almost human." Maureen commented from the corner. I start to eat my food in peace when I feel someone sit down next to me.

*"Christ, Curly, what you'd use? You went to fuckin' town." She said and I knew she was talking about the visible scars. I knew I couldn't hide them forever, but I thought I at least had a little more time. My mind starts racing with what to tell them, should I tell them the truth, or should I just lie? Maybe I should just not say anything since they all know I don't talk anyway. I looked at Seelie when Aline talked instead.

*"Glass." Aline said and everyone looked at her. "She used glass. Breakfast of desperate champions." She said nonchalantly. I guess it was easy for her. She wasn't the one who did it.

*"Hard-core Curly." Seelie said.

*"It's not Curly Seelie. It's Clary. Clary Fray." I said and surprisingly my voice isn't hoarse at all, but strong.

*"Whoa. Somebody's got a voice." Caterina said with a smirk.

*"Things are about to get interesting around here." Maureen said as she drank her coffee slowly. Cats out of the bag now, and I wasn't sure if that's a good thing of not.

Time Jump – Two Days Later

Clary POV:

With my newfound voice, Jia thought it was time to give me something to work on. That way my free time isn't spent staring at the window. Since I didn't finish high school, I was being allowed to finish online, as long as I was being supervised. Caterina was the person put in charge of monitoring me when my school sessions were happening, and she was pretty excited about it.

But Caterina always disappeared for long periods of time, and Alaric was napping, so I decided to disobey the rules. I decided to check my email. I wanted to talk to Simon, since we haven't talked in a year. I opened the message box and typed.

To Simon:

Hey.

I wait for a response. The longer I wait, the most anxious I become. I start picking at my nails. And old habit I formed when I was going through withdraw. He had to be there, right?

From Simon:

Holy shit, is this really you?

He replied back and I couldn't believe that I was finally talking to Simon.

To Simon:

Yea.

From Simon:

Are you okay?

To Simon:

Yes and no. I'm in a mental institution.

From Simon:

I know. Your mom told me when I went looking for you.

To Simon:

I don't even have fucking clothes. I'm wearing some from the lost and found.

From Simon:

I'm currently at a show.

To Simon:

Who is playing?

From Simon:

Local talent. We're trying to make it big.

I'll be coming around soon though, can you put me on a visitors list or something? That way I can see you?

To Simon:

Yes!

But before I can do anything, Alaric is up and slams his hand on the computer, causing my conversation with Simon to end.

"Where the fuck is Caterina?" He yells at me and I just shake my head. "Get back to your room, I'm going to go find your friend." He says as he storms out, and I do as I'm told.

Time Jump – Three Days Later

Clary POV:

Caterina was gone that night. She wasn't allowed to say bye to us, and something in the atmosphere changed after she left. I didn't care too much. A couple days ago, my friends apparent dropped off my backpack. Kirk and Matt were the ones who had my backpack. But when Jia gave it back to me it was empty. They had to take everything out to examine it. There was a note left inside from Matt and Kirk though. They took my money, and Kirk took my sketchbook, that fucking thief. Apparently he liked the comic I was drawing about our friend group. Piece of shit.

I was called into Jia's office today, but I didn't know why. It wasn't time for my private sessions, so I had no idea why she wanted to talk to me. Maybe it was for the internet incident, or maybe she realized that my friends called me once pretending to be my mother. Nonetheless I was nervous. When I got there, I took a seat and waited for Jia to start talking.

"I have some news for you Clarissa." She started off. "You're being released."

"Why?" I asked without a second thought.

"Unfortunately, you are no longer able to pay for the treatment of this facility." She said and I had to admit, payment never even crossed my mind while I was here.

"But it's still winter." I said and she sighed.

"We're working on finding you a great halfway house, but until than, you're going to have to live with your mother." She said and I felt a hurricane brewing inside of me. I abruptly stand up.

"I'm going to my room now." I said before walking out without hearing her response.

I get there and I get in the shower. Before I can think, I'm slamming my head against the wall. It hurts, but I don't stop until I see blood. I don't even realize that Jia comes running in, with a mob of girls behind her. Before I can stop myself, I start spilling all my secrets.

"Please don't make me go back to her. My mother is cruel." I'm crying out. "She started hitting me after my father died, and eventually I started hitting back." I said and I vaguely see her eyes well up. "I'll just end up back on the street like I have been for the past couple years." I cried out. "The man in the underpass, he broke me even more." I cried again. "And don't even get me started with Meliorn." I said. "Please Jia, please don't make me." I finished. She stood up, and walked out of the bathroom right after that, and that just left me lying on the ground in a ball while the hurricane took me over. I didn't know what else to do, I thought that might extend my stay, but now I wasn't so sure.

Time Jump – One Week Later

Clary POV:

I did get to stay. But now my time is up. Simon actually stayed true to his word and tried to visit, but because of my outburst, I wasn't allowed any visitors, and he was escorted off the property. It sucked, because all I wanted to do was see him. I was in my room packing my things to leave. Aline gave me her suitcase, she said she didn't need it anyway. She was right. I didn't have much, but enough to fill this suitcase a little bit. I can't lie, having this makes me feel like I have something that's important. Like I belong.

Once I'm done I make my way out to the lobby area. I see my mom first, her hair is as red as mine. I get anxious. My palms start sweating; the hurricane starts brewing inside of me. I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to the girls, just like Caterina, I was leaving, and they were going to go on like I was never here. Maybe its for the best. I'm terrible company to keep. I get to the desk where Jia is, and her eyes are sad for me, I can't blame her.

"Take care of yourself Clarissa." She says and I can't do anything else but nod a little. My mom signs the last of the paper work before she starts walking out. That's my cue to follow.

Once we're outside she lights a cigarette, and we start walking towards the sidewalk. My mom doesn't own a car, so it's either the bus or walking. And knowing my mother, we're walking. We get to the end of the property, and she turns to face me.

"I have all your stuff that you need. Some money, a ticket, and your birth certificate." She says and I'm completely caught off guard.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"We both know this isn't going to work out. It never has." She said. "This is it for us."

"I thought I was going home with you." I said completely dumbfounded.

"Your friend Simon came and found me." She said and my heart skipped a beat thinking about Simon. "We both know us living together is a bad idea, and you can't live in a fucking halfway house. That's not you Clarissa. It never has been." She said. "Simon bought you a bus ticket to Arizona. He has a place down there. Stay with him. He'll take care of you." She said.

"But….." I said but she cut me off.

"He left a note." She said as she pulled it out of her pocket. "I read it." She said and I rolled my eyes. Of course she did. "He'll be gone for a little, so you'll be alone, but he can do so much more for you than I can." She said. "Don't fuck up Clarissa." She started walking away, but turned around. "Oh, Emma's mom found a lot of her stuff." She said and my heart broke at the mention of her name. "There was a lot of money she had saved. Her parents thought you should have it." She said as she handed me the money. And with that, she left. I was really alone now. I didn't know where I go at this point. I was about to walk away, but someone stopped me.

"Need a ride girl?" I heard and I turned around to see Alaric. "You don't know where to go do you?" He said.

"How did you….?" I said and he just laughed and shook his head.

"I know things." He said. "Where you off too?"

"The bus station." I said.

"Get in." He said and I looked at him. "Come on girl." He said and I got in the car. "I never want to see you here again Clary, okay?" He said and I nodded. He drove me to the bus station, and once we were there he gave me some money and drove away quickly. I took a deep breath and got on the bus to Arizona. I didn't know what else to do, but I knew I was going to be with Simon eventually, and that's all I needed right now.

Time Jump – Five Days Later

Clary POV:

Simon's place wasn't that great, but it was better than the streets. I learned he had a landlady, her name is Tessa. She was nice enough, but we didn't talk all that often. Arizona was hot. Too hot. Simon didn't have much in this place. Not even food. So with some of the money Alaric gave me, I went to the local store and bought small things. It was enough, and that's all I needed.

It was midafternoon when there was a loud banging on the front door. I got up form the floor and made my way over, and when I opened the door, there stood Tessa. She looked hot, and angry, I didn't want t be on the receiving end of this anger, but than again, I'm used to it.

"Listen here girl, I'm doing this for Simon, but you can't mooch off me." She said. "Rent is almost due, and Simon isn't here to pay it, that means it's on you." She said and the anxiousness started filling me. She handed me a piece of paper with some writing on it. "My friend runs a store down the street, tell her Tessa sent you. Get a fucking job. Pay your way in this world. Don't be a free loader." She said and with that, she left the apartment. I looked at the piece of paper and I sigh. I guess I knew this was coming, but I didn't know it was going to come so soon.

I started walking down the street and I start sweating. It's ungodly hot out here, and I don't really know how I feel about it. I'm not used to this heat, and it doesn't help that I wear long sleeves and pants to cover up my injuries.

I get to the place that Tessa was talking about and it doesn't look like a place where I'd fit in. I walk in and I'm met with a beautiful girl. She's wearing a sparky dress, and a short bright pink wig. I didn't fit in here, and I knew it, and the moment she looked at me, she knew it as well.

"What can I do for you girl?" She said as she made her way over to me.

"I was told…my landlady…are you hiring?" I stuttered and she laughed a little. But it didn't sound condescending, but just like she was pleasantly surprised that I was so nervous.

"Jessamine! Come here!" She yelled and another girl came out, dressed the same way she was. "She's looking for a job."

"Here?" Jessamine asked and the other girl nodded. "I don't think you really fit in here sweetheart." She said and I could only nod in agreement with her.

"Oh! You could work at Java Jones!" The other girl shouted excitedly.

"Are they even hiring Lilith?" Jessamine asked.

"Yea. They just fired their dish boy yesterday for coming in high. Or he quit, I'm not really sure which." Lilith said.

"Right." Jessamine said. "Go there and ask for Jace."

"Jace Wayland." Lilith said with so much seduction in her voice.

"Keep your panties on girl." Jessamine said and Lilith just laughed.

"He's like super hot. You'll see what I mean when you go there." She said and I nodded.

"Thanks." I said. "For the advice." I said before walking out.

I made my way to the coffee shop they talked about. I saw it from down the street, and it definitely looked more my style. When I got closer I saw a couple people outside smoking. I allowed the smoke to enter my lungs and the slow burn felt like home once again. Something I wanted so badly, but was trying to stay away from. Jia said in our last session that I needed to stay on the wagon, I couldn't fall off.

"What can we do for you Red?" The one guy asked. He sounded like he was from somewhere else.

"He's not really British." The other one points out. "He just likes girls to think he is."

"Why do you always have to ruin my thunder Raphe?" The one guy said. "So Red, what can I get for you? Coffee? Bagel?" He asked.

"I don't think she speak Jace." The one girl said and that's when it hurts. Jace. Jace Wayland. "This your first time in the presence of someone famous?" The girl asked. Famous?

"Semi famous Lily." Raphe pointed out. And they all laughed.

"Whatever. What can I do for you Red?" He asked again.

"Lilith and Jessamine sent me. They said you might need someone." I said finally.

"Lilith and Jessamine always know what I need." He smirked and something in me shifted, but I didn't know if it was good or bad. "You're not what I usually go for, but I'm in a bit of a dry spell…."

"For a job asshole. A damn job." I hissed and his friends and laughed while he smirked.

"Yes, yes." He said. "But I don't know if we have any positions open. My sister is the boss around here, and she doesn't get back for another day." Jace said.

"Axel just quit the other day." Raphe pointed out.

"But she doesn't want to wash dishes." Jace said.

"Yes I do." I may have said a little too quickly.

"You sure you don't want to wait tables somewhere else?" Jace offered. "You'd make a lot more waiting tables." He said.

"No. I don't like talking to people." I said and he nodded.

"Hey, where the fuck have you been Jace?" I heard some girl yell.

"That's my cue." Jace said. "I make no promises, but come back here tomorrow Red. 6:30 am." He said and he walked back inside. His friends all left, and than it was just me. I took a deep breath. I got a job. It wasn't much, but it was something.

Time Jump – First Day

Clary POV:

I got the Java Jones this morning 15 minutes early. I got into the shop and Jace starts telling me what I have to do. It's not much. I wash dishes, and clean some tables when they need cleaning. It wasn't a hard job, and it wasn't really pleasant, but it was something. It was time for my break, and I really didn't have much to do, so I just sat in the back while Jace joined me.

"So Red, where are you from?" He asked. I didn't peg him much for small talk.

"Minnesota." I said.

"Minnesota." He repeated. "How the hell did you make it down to Arizona?" He asked, but before I could answer, he filled in the blanks. "I bet it was for a boy right?" He asked.

"No." I said, although it was technically true, but he didn't need to know that. "Why do you care?" I hissed back.

"Just trying to figure you out Red." He said, and I nodded.

By the end of the day, I was allowed to leave. It was 4:30, and I was exhausted. I took my apron off, and hung it on the hook. Jace came over to give me the money for the day, since I wasn't in their system yet, I technically wouldn't get paid this week, at least, that's what Jace told me. He handed me the money and I reached for it when my sleeve revealed my scars.

"What the hell happened to your arm?" Jace asked.

"Cat scratches." I said.

"That must be one bitchy cat." He said and I pulled my sleeve down. "Get rid of that fucking thing."

"Right. I will do that as soon as I get home." I said as I rushed out of there, but Jace followed.

"Same time tomorrow. My sister will be here. I'll put in a good word." He called out and I waved my hand letting him know that I heard him. I got back to Simon's and took my place on his bed. I soaked in his smell and let the exhaustion hit me.

Time Jump – Tomorrow

Clary POV:

I got to work at the same time I did yesterday, but Jace wasn't around at all. I walked in to find Helen, she was cool, a real workaholic though. I went to my station when she came running into the kitchen.

"You see Jace by any chance?" She asked and I shook my head. "Fucking hell. Can you go get him? He's probably drunk, and I would but if I leave Cecilia would fucking kill me." She said. I didn't know what to do so I just nodded.

I found a bike at Simon's place and I decided to take it to work since it's not be used at all. Helen wrote down Jace's address, and I made my way there. I knocked on the door, but nobody answered. I tried the knob: it was unlocked.

"Hello?" I called into the house. There was no answer. I made my way into the house and saw Jace sleeping on the couch. He looked dead, but his chest was slightly rising, so I knew he was still alive. I made my way over to him and pushed him slightly but there was nothing. The room smelled like old cigarettes and cheap vodka. Helen wasn't kidding, Jace was fucking wasted last night and it wasn't a pretty sight on him. "Jace." I said but there was still nothing. I get closer and the moment our faces are almost touching, his eyes snap open, and before I can register what's happening he's on top of me holding my wrists tight. Everything comes flooding back with the guy from the underpass, with Meliorn, and I'm terrified.

"Naughty girl Red." He sneers at me. "Come to take all my shit? Rob me while I'm asleep? I thought you had more class than that." He said.

"Get the fuck off me!" I yelled, but my voice wavered. But he wasn't letting go. "Fucking let me go Jace!" I yelled again. This time I guess he could tell I was really freaking out.

"I was just kidding Red. Get that stick out your ass." He laughed as he got up.

"That wasn't fucking funny Jace." I said as I stood up, and his face softened. He could see the fear in my eyes. And the tears streaming down my face.

"Oh god. I didn't mean to make you cry." He said a little more caringly. I didn't think it was possible, but maybe he did feel bad.

"Helen said get your ass to work." I said before pushing by him and making my way out

I got on my bike and rode back to Java Jones. I run into Helen in the back and she looks at me and than sighs.

"I knew it wasn't just the alcohol. He's fucking using again." She said. Clearly this was normal for him. She rushed out of the back area when the bell on the door rang. I was used to people using. That's basically all my friends and I did on the street. But I was used to Sebastian. When he was using, he just became a huge baby: without the crying. He was so calm, and chill. Whatever Jace took, it made him a downright asshole, and I didn't like it one bit.

Time Jump – Interview

Clary POV:

I walked into work today and Jace was waiting for me. I walked right by him and tried to start working since the night shift dish washer was actually incompetent at their job, which was pretty impressive since it was just washing dishes. I grabbed a plate, but Jace stopped me.

"What do you want?" I asked him.

"My sister wants that interview now." He said and my heart started racing. "Her office is back there." He said as he pointed down the hallway. I put the plate down and followed where he previously pointed. I got to her door and knocked.

"Come in." I heard her say and I walked in. "Hey, you must be the new girl right? I believe Jace calls you Red." She said and I nodded and took a seat. "What's your name?" She asked but before I could answer Jace walked in. "What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Making sure you don't bully the poor thing." Jace said.

"Oh please Jace." She said.

"My name is Clary." I said answering her first question.

"Well Clary, my name is Cecilia, you can call me CeCe if you really want." She said and I nodded. "So, why are you at Java Jones Clary?" She asked.

"Money?" I questioned myself, which made her laugh.

"No, I mean why are you here in Arizona?" She asked.

"Change of scenery?" I questioned yet again. I really didn't sound sure of myself at all.

"Okay, this might take some time." Cecilia said.

"She's form Minnesota." Jace chimed in from the other end of the room. "I have my suspicions, but I think she moved here for a dude."

"Would you get over that? It isn't even true." I said and he just smirked.

"So what is the truth?" Cecilia asked.

"I tried to kill myself alright?" I said without thinking. "I really fucked up. I have nowhere else to go. I'm staying with a friend who isn't even fucking here right now, and if I didn't get a job, his landlady wasn't going to kick me out on my ass." I dumped all on them, I saw Jace's body language change in the corner, but I didn't care. "I'm fucking hungry, so I need a job." Jace finally leaves and that just leaves Cecilia and I.

"Look kid, everyone has problems." She started. "I get it. I like you, I think you'll fit in great around here, but if you start slipping, I have no allegiance to you. My brother, he's a fuck up too, but he's family." She said and I nodded. "I'll get you your schedule by the end of the day." I got up and made my way back to my station. I put on my apron and started washing dishes when Jace came in.

"I'm a dick." He said, but I didn't look at him. "I get it, and you know it. But just know, everyone is fucked up in some way." He said as his fingers grazed my forearm. "You didn't need to lie." He whispers, and my body automatically shivers, but it's all too soon interrupted.

"Yo Jace, tell her about the time you puked in Mick Jagger's face!" Someone yelled.

"Great story." Jace said as he started talking. I continued working as I listened to his story. He was right, we're all fucked up, just some worse than others.

Time Jump – Two Weeks Later

Clary POV:

Since my job was steady enough, I decided that it was time to move out of Simon's. I knew Tessa wanted me out, although she never actually said the words. So today I was looking at some really sketchy places, ones that I knew I could afford. I found a place that wasn't that bad, but also wasn't great. I walked up to a couple old guys sitting on the porch.

"What can I do for you pretty lady?" The one man said.

"It says there is an apartment available." I said with a shaky voice.

"Ah yes." He said as he stood up. "My name is Hodge, what about you sweetheart?"

"Clary." I said and he gave me a kind smile.

"Let's go." He said and we entered the building.

He was talking, and I was half listening. The place wasn't that great, and it didn't come with much, but it was better than nothing. So when he asked me if I wanted it, I said yes. I gave him my deposit, and the place was mine. It was weird to have something that was mine. Before I only had the suitcase that Aline gave me, but now I have this. It was odd, but a step in the right direction.

Time Jump – One Week Later

Clary POV:

I was working today, and my shift was almost over. I went out onto the floor to gather some dishes from the dirty table to run the dishwasher once more. The bell on the door rings and when I look up, I drop the forks that are in my hand.

"Simon." I whispered and he just smiles at me. I run into him and he scoops me into his arms.

"It's so good to see you Clary." He says into my hair.

"Oh my god." I said as we broke apart. "I'm done in 10 minutes. Wait for me?" I asked and he nodded before taking a seat. I made my way back into the kitchen where Jace was leaning against the wall.

"You didn't move here for a dude huh?" He asked and I looked at him.

"He's my friend." I said. "One of my best friends."

"Mhm." He said. "I think there is more than what you're telling me."

"It's none of your business anyway. Who I'm friends with." I hissed back after I closed the heavy duty dishwasher. I took my apron off and put it on the hook.

"Your shift isn't over yet." Jace called out.

"The dishwasher is running, and nobody is in the shop. I'm done." I said as Simon stood up. He smiled at me, and we made our way out of the coffee shop. It felt amazing to be back in his presence.

We went to another restaurant and started talking. I learned that he got clean, and that he was touring with a band. He was doing really well for himself, and I was proud of him. We talked about how Sebastian got clean and the struggles we went through. It was nice to be able to talk to someone who knew me through the bad things. It was like I wasn't truly alone anymore. It was nice.

Time Jump – Next Day

Clary POV:

After I showed Simon where I was living, he told me that I needed some furniture. More specifically, a bed. So we were curb shopping for a mattress. It wasn't much, but I was doing it was Simon, so I was happy to be reconnecting with him.

Once we got the mattress back to my place, Simon suggests that we go out and have fun, since I was long over due for some fun. I agreed, not wanting to be alone anymore, and since Simon was back, I was going to soak up as much as I possibly could. We reached the house where the party was when Simon stopped.

"Shit. I totally forgot Clare." He said as he looked at me. "There is going to be drinking at this party."

"It's okay." I said quickly.

"Are you sure?" He asked. I could tell he wanted to go.

"Totally. I'll be fine." I said and I smiled at him. He smiled back and we made our way into the house. The music was blaring, and the sweaty bodies were slamming into other sweaty bodies. It was a mad house, but Simon was holding onto my hand as he lead me through the crowd, and for that simple gesture, I was happy to be here.

"I'll be right back." He kind of yelled at me and I nodded. He pushed through the crowd and I stayed on the wall where he guided me.

"Red." I heard and I turned around to see Jace. "What a funny thing running into you here."

"Simon wanted to come." I said and he smirked.

"Ah. Still following your boy toy around." He said and I rolled my eyes.

"He isn't my boy toy." I said and he laughed.

"So you don't mind that?" He asked and I followed his eyes. I saw Simon coming back through the crowd, but this time with someone on his arm. "Gotta watch out for Maia." He said in my ear. But before I could say anything to him, he was gone.

"Oh my god! Were you just talking to Jace Wayland?" She yelled and I nodded. "He's the best." She said with a smile. "Besides Simon that it." She giggled and Simon smiled. Than she kissed him. Everything in me went numb. They started getting lost in the crowd, and I saw a cut up beer sitting on the table. I really shouldn't do it. It's going against what Jia told me to do but at the moment, I didn't care. I downed the beer followed by 4 more. I was a lightweight, so I was feeling it pretty soon. I stumbled out of the house and started making my way home when I heard my name.

"Clary!" I turned around to see Simon running after me. "Clary where are you going?" He asked.

"Home!" I slurred back, and by this time he caught up to me. I stumbled in his arms.

"Whoa. Did you drink Clary?" He asked, the sound of disappointment in his voice pushed me over the edge.

"Go away." I hissed at him.

"Come on Clary, don't be like this." Simon said.

"Be like what Simon?" I asked.

"Like this." He said as he gestured to me. "Don't start this shit again." I rolled my eyes and started walking away, but Simon grabbed me. "Talk to me Clary." He said. I looked into his eyes, and just went for it. I pressed my lips to his and he was stunned, but for a split second, it felt good, until he pushed me away. "What the hell Clary?" He yelled, than he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Talk about a kick to the face. "What was that for?" He asked and I just walked away. "Stop doing this Clary. You can't just kiss me."

"Go back to your girlfriend Simon." I said through gritted teeth.

"Wait, this is about Maia?" He asked but I didn't respond. "Wait, you thought…..? That we….? Oh Clary." He said and I felt my eyes well. "We're friends Clary, but that's all we are. Friends." He said.

"Just get the fuck away from me Simon." I said and he sighed. He walked back towards the party and I made my way home. I was a fool to think that anything was going to happen. Simon was getting his life together, and I was just a fuck up.

Time Jump – One Week Later

Clary POV:

I've fallen into a routine around here. Since Jace is more often than not, hung over in the morning, Helen sends me to get him. Whether it be alcohol, drugs or a combination, I've turned into his human alarm clock, but I honestly didn't mind it. It was something to do, and he was someone to talk to. Even though we never talked about anything important. It was something that made me feel important, and I needed that right now. God knows I need it right now.

Simon asked me if I'd meet with him today. Apparently he had to talk to me about something. I really hope it isn't about the kiss. I really didn't want to relive that moment. When I got to the place where we agreed to meet, Simon was already there. I took a seat and Simon smiled at me.

"Thanks for meeting with me Clary." He said and I nodded. "There is no easy way to say this, but I'm going back on the road."

"You're leaving?" I asked. "Again?"

"I have too." He said. "This is an amazing opportunity."

"Okay." I said because what else am I supposed to say?

"But don't become a loner again Clare." He said. "Make some friends. Maia is around if you need her."

"Really? Maia?" I asked.

"Come on Clare, she's really nice. You just have to get to know her." He said. "Just make the right friends Clare."

"What's that supposed to me?" I asked defensively.

"Maia has seen you walking to work with Jace Wayland." He said.

"Having your girlfriend spy on me Simon?" I asked.

"She works across the street from Java Jones." He said. "She sees you two, and I'm telling you Clare. He's no good. You're trying to stay clean, but Jace will only drag you down. He's washed up musician. The worst kind of washed up musician."

"You don't get to choose my friends Simon." I said and he sighed.

"What's going on with you two anyway?" He asked.

"It's none of your business." I said.

"I don't want you getting in with the wrong crowd again Clare. And Jace Wayland is the wrong crowd." He said.

"Well good news for you." I said. "I'm his fucking alarm clock Si. He can never get up in the morning, so Helen made me get him a few times, and I just kept going. You don't have to worry about me Simon."

"Of course I do Clary. You're my friend. One of my best friends Clary. Making the right friends is only going to help you. Being friends with Jace is only going to bring you down." He said.

"He gave me a job Simon." I said. "I may only be fucking washing dishes but it's something. So I wake him up. It's just what we do."

"What we do? Come on Clary, you're getting sucked into the Jace Wayland charm." He said.

"Is that all we came here to discuss? You leaving, and my poor choice in friends?" I asked and he looked at me.

"I wanted to talk because I needed to know you'll be okay while I'm gone." He said. "But once Maia told me about Jace, I got worried." He said and I sighed. I reached my hand across the table and put it over his.

"I'll be fine Simon." I lied. "I will."

"Okay." He said and he smiled at me. I don't know if he believed the lie, but if he didn't, he wasn't showing it.

Time Jump – Two Weeks Later

Clary POV:

Whatever I said to Simon about what Jace and I were, quickly changed. Simon was right, he was a spiraling black hole, and I felt like another victim. When I was having a bad day, Jace was always there to make me feel better. But that normally included drinking. Although it wasn't cutting, it was still against the advice Jia gave me, but I didn't care.

But it didn't stop there. The first time Jace and I had sex, I didn't even know what happened. At first we were just shooting the shit and having fun, the next thing I know, we're both naked. But I didn't mind. He never once mentioned my scars, whether he was sober enough to remember the next morning that he saw them, or maybe he just didn't give a fuck. Either way, I didn't mind.

We didn't have a label on anything, but I liked that in certain ways. I was too broken to ever be loved in the way that other people love. And Jace was too broken to give that love out. We were just too broken to be loved, but that didn't mean we couldn't fuck each other senseless, and so that's what we did. It worked for us, and that's all that mattered.

It was early, and nobody was in the store, but Jace and I. I was about to get ready to start doing the dishes from the night before when Jace took my hand in his and lead me back to his sisters office. He shut the door behind him and locked it, and when he turned around, his golden eyes were glistening with lust. I knew what he wanted.

"Not here Jace." I said and he made his way over to me.

"Why not?" He asked. "It's thrilling."

"Not in your sisters office." I said and he just smirked.

"That's what makes even more thrilling. Plus she's gone for the weekend." He said as he cupped my face in his hands. "Come on Red, live a little." He whispered and than his lips were on mine. I couldn't say no. No matter what. There was something about him, something addictive. More addictive than cutting, drugs, alcohol, and stealing. It was dangerous, but I was too deep to get out.

When we were done, we walked out of Cecilia's office to be greeted with none other than Cecilia herself. She looked pissed, and I instantly shrunk behind Jace. I didn't know how long she had been standing there, but I had a feeling she had a good feeling about what was going on in her office.

"My office." She said directly to Jace. "Now." She said as she pushed by us. Jace turned around and faced me.

"Wait for me in the kitchen, okay?" He asked and I nodded. He went into the office and shut the door behind him. I made my way to the kitchen before I could listen in. I didn't want to hear what she was saying about me, I knew it wasn't good.

About 30 minutes later Jace walks back in, and he doesn't look too upset, so I really don't know how the conversation between his sister and him went. I continued to wash the dishes, wondering if this was my last time every getting to do this, and for a moment, I felt kinda sad. Even if it's just washing dishes.

"Is this my last time washing dishes?" I asked and I heard Jace laugh.

"No, but she is switching you to night shift." He said and I looked at him. "But she said she wasn't giving you any more warnings. This was it."

"I guess that's fair." I said and he nodded. He got to work and I continued to wash dishes for the day. Cecilia gave me a second chance, something she told me she wouldn't do in the beginning, so my punishment wasn't that bad, I was just thankful that I still had a job.

Time Jump – First Night Shift

Clary POV:

When I first walked in for my shift, I was surprised to see Helen there. That woman worked way too much, but if she needed the money, I couldn't blame her for that.

"Clary!" Helen said and I smiled. "CeCe told me she switched you to nights." She said and I nodded. "Well, let's introduce you." She said and I nodded.

"This is the night shift crew. This is Mark, Izzy, and Alec." She said. "It's pretty much family night every night around here. Alec and Izzy are siblings, and Mark is my little brother." She said and Mark put her in a headlock.

"Enough you two." Izzy said before making her way to me. "Is it true you fucked Jace in CeCe's office?" She asked and I felt uncomfortable talking about this to a stranger. "What was it like?"

"Come on Iz. Don't ask her that." Alec chimed in.

"What? It's a simple question. I want to know if Jace is as good as everyone says." She said and that sentence made my want to vomit. As good as everyone says. Was is just his flavor of the week? Who knows.

"Let her settle in and get to know us a little before we go around asking about her sex life." Mark says. Izzy blows a buddle with her gum than walks away. This was going to be a long shift.

Time Jump – Two Weeks Later

Clary POV:

When I got home from work one night, there was someone in front of my door. I had no idea who would just show up unannounced at my place, considering not many people knew where I lived. I made my way closer before I recognized this strangers face. She turned to face me with the biggest smile on her face.

"Hey Silent Sue." She said. "Miss me?"

"Maureen." I breathed out. "How did you find me?" I asked.

"I asked Alaric." She said. "He told me you got on a bus to Arizona. So before I got on a bus, I tracked down you mom." She said as we made our way into my place. "She told me about your friend here, and that you were living here for now." She explained. "So I got to the address, but the landlady told me you moved. She didn't know exactly where, but she gave me the description if this place. I talk to your landlord and he told me I could wait until you got home. Look at you getting a fucking job and being an adult."

"I'm trying." I said and she smiled.

"Trust me, I'm 30 fucking years old and I'm still trying to figure out how to be an adult most days." She said and I smiled at her.

"How long are you here for?" I asked.

"Not sure. I was with Seelie for a little while but I needed to get away from the fucking cold. I was dying there." She said. "But the sun, holy hell does the sun feel nice."

"It gets really hot here." I admitted.

"I don't fucking care. If my tears aren't turning into icicles, I'll be really fucking happy." She laughed and so did I. Winter wasn't my favorite either, in fact it was my least favorite season. Maureen and I talked for a couple hours until we both fell asleep in the sweltering heat. Maureen might not be much, but she was something familiar and for the first time since Simon left, I felt like I belonged again, I felt like I was with my own kind.

Time Jump – Four Days Later

Clary POV:

Maureen was still with me, and she was fitting in just fine. She met Jace a few days ago, and for some reason they really got along. It was a little unnerving, but there was nothing I could do about it.

Jace asked me to stop by his dealers house after my shift to pick him up something, and as much as I was dreading it, I was still going to do it. As long as I didn't see Kaelie again, I would be good. She was always very good at taunting me about Jace. Apparently there wasn't a girl in this fucking town he hasn't been with. Kaelie was apparently a regular hook up for him, and the fact that she was always with his dealer annoyed me. He saw her often, and I can only imagine how many of these pick up turned into drunken sex between those two. I tired not to think about it as I made my way back to his house.

When I opened his door, I was surprised to see Maureen on the ground. I really shouldn't be surprised. Jace lives in a place that's air-conditioned and the first time Maureen met him, he told her that if she ever got too hot at my place, she could always come over, and I guess she took him up on that today. She was alone though, and from the looks of it, completely high. There were bottles all over the room, but Jace was nowhere to be found. I made my way through the house, and when I got to the kitchen I stopped dead in my tracks. Jace is fucking Kaelie in the kitchen. She opens her eyes, and winks at me, almost as if she's says I win. And all I can do is gap at the sight in front of me. Jace soon stops and turns around. I guess I made a noise but I didn't notice. He drops Kaelie on the counter and pulls his pants up, and that's when I finally get the courage to walk away. I leave Maureen in the living room as I head towards my bike.

"Clary!" I heard Jace call after me, but I don't stop. "Clary stop it!"

"Stop what Jace?" finally yell.

"Stop being such a bitch." He yelled.

"Oh, I'm the bitch? You were just fucking another girl." I yelled at him.

"So? I'm single." He said and I scoffed.

"I should have known." I said. "I should have fucking known."

"Known what?" He asked.

"Known you didn't give a shit about me." I yelled back.

"That's not true." He said.

"Oh yea? Than why don't you ever fucking ask about my life?" I asked.

"We all have secrets Clary." He said.

"That's no excuse." I said. "You don't ask because you don't fucking care."

"You don't know shit Clary." He yelled back. "You're just a fucking child."

"Oh yea?" I asked. "I've been through shit no one should ever have to go through." I yelled.

"We all have!" Jace yelled.

"My best friend tried to kill herself and it's all my fault. She's now a fucking vegetable and it's all my fucking fault." I started spewing details of my life that I never thought I'd ever tell anyone. "My mom started hitting me so I started hitting back, which resulted in me being homeless. I slept behind dumpsters, and on park benches, hell in the winter I slept in dumpsters because it was warmer, forget the rats and the horrible smell. It was fucking warm and I didn't want to freeze to death, although I don't know why. Dying would have been easier."

"Stop." Jace said but I wasn't going too.

"I had friends, Simon being one of them, that did everything with me. We stole, drank, did drugs, slept in ally's together. You name it, I've been through it. I was the hook, and those pathetic men were the fish. I reeled you in just so my friends could jump you for your expensive watch so we could pawn it for more drugs." I continued.

"Stop it!" He yelled.

"And when your 'friend' group breaks apart and you try to survive on your own, gross men try and take advantage of you under bridges!" I yelled. "There isn't much you can do when he's a foot taller than you, and weighs significantly more than you! So you have to get used to the feeling of his breath on your neck, and his tongue in your mouth. His fingers in you, and his whole body convulsing with pleasure. Pleasure that you don't feel yourself." I said and Jace's face was blank. "I lived in a sex house Jace. I was being sold for sex because I am worthless in some peoples eyes. So I tried to kill myself because at least death would be less painful than life." I finished. "There's my story Jace. Every fucking word of it." I said before getting on my bike and leaving.

When I got home I grabbed the empty bottle of cheap wine Maureen bought the other night. I smashed it on the ground and grabbed a huge chuck of glass. I was done this time. I was truly fucking done. I got in the bathtub, and started cutting away. When the darkness consumed me, I welcomed it back like an old friend.

Jace POV:

I woke up and was super confused as to what happened. I wasn't in my house, but I was in Cecilia's house. I sat up and my whole body ached. I heard some noise from the kitchen and when I got there, Cecilia was cooking break fast.

"Morning." I said and she looked at me.

"Honestly Jace, the next time I have to haul your ass off the streets for disturbing the peace, I'm letting them lock you the fuck up." She said.

"That bad huh?" I asked and she scoffed.

"You're just lucky you didn't follow Kaelie." She said and I groaned.

"What the fuck happened CeCe?" I asked and she turned around.

"You got fucking high." She said. "Like always, but I guess the batch was bad or something because we were completely out of it. I mean, you tried to punch me."

"Sorry sis." I said and she smiled.

"I'm the last person you have to apologize too." She said.

"I'll be back later." I said and I got up and grabbed my jacket. She simply nodded and I ran over to Clary's. I had a feeling that's who Cecilia was talking about, but I didn't know everything, and I needed to talk to Clary in order to get the full story.

When I got to her place, I ran to her door and started pounding. I don't know why I expected her to answer so quickly, but when the door opened, and there stood Maureen, something didn't feel right.

"Well, if it isn't Jace fucking Wayland himself." She said.

"I sense a lot of hostility." I said and she scoffed.

"You got that fucking right." She said and I walked in, the place was trashed.

"What happened?" I asked.

"You're fuck buddy followed me home last night." She said. "I didn't notice but I passed out and she destroyed the place."

"Shit." I said. "Where is Clary?"

"You don't know?" She asked.

"Know what?" I asked.

"She tried to kill herself last night." She said and my jaw dropped. "You know, I get that good looking guys like you have a lot of options, and sticking to one girl might be tough, but fucking end it if you're going to screw someone else. And especially don't let her witness you doing it."

"Where is she?" I asked again.

"Well, Clary can't afford a hospital, and I remember meeting a guy that works nights at Java Jones is practicing to be an EMT." She said.

"Mark." I said.

"Yea. Him. I called him and he showed up with his sister. They took Clary and left the state." She said.

"They left Arizona?" I asked.

"Good for her too. This place is just one problem after another. I mean, finding out Simon and Maia got married last week was a huge blow, and add you fucking Kaelie on top of that, was just the…. What's that weird saying? With the camel?" She asked.

"It was the straw that broke the camels back." I said and she nodded and snapped her fingers.

"That's the one." She said. "You were the straw my friend."

"Do you have any idea how long she's going to be gone for?" I asked.

"Not a clue. I wasn't given any information, purely so that I couldn't tell you." She said. "Look, I didn't always like Clary, but she's a good person who dealt a really shit hand in life. I chose to be this way, she didn't." She explained. "And I assume you chose this life as well."

"My father was abusive." I admitted and she nodded.

"Than you know what she's going through, or at least you know some of it." She said. "You took advantage of a young girl who was struggling, and somewhere along the line you grew feelings for her, I can see it all over your face." She said and I sighed. "She doesn't need to be fucked again. Literally or figuratively. She needs a person to lean on, and be there for her, and if you can't be that, and I know you can't in the state that you're in, than let her go get someone who will be there for her no matter what."

"Can you let me know when she gets back?" I asked and Maureen sighed.

"If she wants you to know, than yea, but if she doesn't, I'm not going to tell her you stopped by." She said.

"Fair enough." I said and I left. Maureen was right, somewhere along the way I grew feelings for Clary, and I think that's why I freaked out. I've never had feelings for someone the way I had feelings for Clary. And Maureen made a lot of excellent points. Clary needed someone stable, and that wasn't me. Yet.

Time Jump – Two Weeks Later

Clary POV:

Helen and Mark took me to New Mexico and introduced me to their grandfather, Luke. He was a wonderful man and really opened his arms up to me. He was truly a special man, someone I hope I can find for myself one day. But I had a feeling that it would never work out for me.

When I got back Maureen hugged me so tightly I thought I was going to suffocate. We talked about everything that happened in the last two weeks. She told me she was going to be staying here and I told her that Luke offered me a job with him. I would be his assistant, and it sounded a lot better than dishwasher, plus I would be surrounded by the art community. Everything sounded perfect.

"I'm really going to miss you around here." Maureen said.

"Just keep the place together." I said and she laughed.

"You sure you aren't going to want to come back?" She asked.

"I think I'm done in Arizona." I said and she smiled.

"Let me know how you're doing? A phone call once a week." She said and I laughed.

"Always." I said and we hugged one last time.

I was going to Java Jones to talk to Cecilia. To apologize one last night, and let her know I appreciated all her kindness, even when I didn't deserve it. I walked in and it was pretty quiet. I noticed she wasn't on the floor, so she must have been in her office. The door was slightly cracked, so I knocked.

"Come in." She called and I opened the door. "Clary. I didn't know you were back." She said.

"We got in last night." I said. "Helen and Mark both don't work until tonight." I said and she nodded.

"What can I do for you?" She asked.

"I came here to quit." I said bluntly.

"Wow. That has to be the first." She laughed and I smiled. "Can I ask why?"

"While I was away, I got in contact with a man who hired me as his assistant. It's in the field that I want to pursue, and I think it will sound better than dishwasher." I said and she smiled.

"And this has nothing to do with Jace?" She asked.

"You know, I think Arizona has offered me everything it has to offer me." I said slightly avoiding the question. "I think I need a change of scenery." I said and that caused her to laugh.

"You know, I stuck up for my brother for as long as I possibly could." She admitted. "I never thought he'd ever drag someone down with him." She said.

"I know, stupid right?" I asked and she gave me a smile.

"My brother is an idiot, but he wasn't always like that. Our father was an abusive asshole, and Jace took most of it." She said and I nodded.

"Where is Jace?" I asked without thought.

"You didn't hear?" She asked and I shook my head. "After you left he checked himself into a rehab program. He's somewhere in Washington state for a year." She said and I nodded.

"I'm proud of him. For taking that step." I said and she nodded.

"He did it for you." She added and I looked at her. "He was devastated when he heard you tried to kill yourself, especially because he was the one who broke the camels back." She explained and I nodded. "Oh, he left this for you." She said as she handed me the note.

"Thank you." I said as I stood up.

"It was a pleasure working with you Red." She said and I smiled.

I grabbed my suitcase that Aline gave me and made my way to the bus station. This was the beginning of the rest of my life. I was going to be doing something meaningful for someone, and that felt great. Halfway to the airport I remembered the note. I took it out of my pocket and read it.

Clarissa – I have always cared about you. I may not have shown it in the best way, but you were an incredibly bright light in my very dark life. Take care of yourself.

Jonathan Christopher Herondale.

I couldn't help but smile that formed on my lips. I remember talking about how his name wasn't actually Jace Wayland but he would never tell me his full name, but now I have it. This was a good start. A new start. A fresh one.

Time Jump – One Year Later

Jace POV:

I've never felt better than when I stepped foot out of that rehab center. Just knowing that I was completely and totally clean of everything was amazing. I felt lighter, and healthier. It was weird, but for the first time in years, I felt like a human.

Cecilia was meeting me to take me home, and I couldn't' wait to see her after a year. I'm used to seeing her every day, and since she runs Java Jones, she barely had time to visit, which I understood. I actually liked not having visitors. It helped me do this alone, and I needed that.

"It's good to see you Jace." She said and I hugged her.

"It's good to see you too sis." I said and she smiled.

"How are you feeling?" She asked.

"I feel good. Better than I have in years." I said and she smiled.

"That's really good to hear." She said and I smiled.

"So, how is Java Jones doing?" I asked and she smiled.

"Well, now that my employees aren't stealing my money, we're doing pretty good." She said.

"I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble CeCe." I admitted. "I was really fucked up."

"You were." She said. "But you're clean now, and I know you're going to make this time count."

"Hell yes I am." I said and she laughed. "How is Clary doing?" I asked and she sighed. "What? Did you fire her?"

"No. She quit." She said.

"What? Nobody quits Java Jones." I said and she laughed.

"She's actually in New York." She said. "She got a new job."

"Really?" I asked and Cecilia nodded. "Doing what?"

"She's an assistant for Helen and Mark's grandfather." She said. "She sent me a letter a few weeks ago. She's loving it."

"That's great." I said.

"She's clean too you know." She said and I looked at her. "Once she moved out there, she got her shit together."

"That's good." I said.

"I know you cared about her…."

"Care." I corrected her.

"I know you care about her, but this was the best thing for both of you." She said.

"I really fucked up didn't I?" I asked and she laughed.

"Majorly little bro." She said and I nodded. I didn't know what to say to Clary, I didn't even know how to approach her after all this time. She was doing so well, and I didn't want to ruin that. I had no idea what her life was life, if she had someone else already, but I knew one thing was for sure: I needed to apologize.

Clary POV:

Luke gave me the weekend off, claiming that I work too hard. I didn't work nearly as hard as he did, but he insisted that I take the weekend, so here I am, in my apartment, enjoying the rainy day. It was the perfect day to have off, and I was really loving Luke for giving it to me.

There was a knock on my door confused me, but I got up in my over sized hoodie and shorts. Having money was something I was still getting used to, but Luke also gave me a lot of hand me downs, and I loved how bit the clothes were on my small frame. When I opened my door, I didn't even try to hide the shock on my face.

"Jace." I said and he gave me that smile.

"Hey." He said.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I came to see you." He said. I realized he was still standing in my doorway.

"Come on." I said and he walked in. "Would you like some tea?" I asked.

"Uh, sure." He said and I got him a cup while he sat on the couch.

"How are you doing?" I asked.

"So much better. I forgot what it was like to be sober." He admitted and I nodded.

"I know what you mean." I said and he gave me a sad smile. "Are you still at Java Jones?" I asked trying to keep the conversation going.

"No. I didn't want to go back there once I got out of rehab." He said. " I felt like it was just the beginning of my downfall. I'm a new person, so I need a new job."

"Makes total sense." I said and he nodded.

"You seem to be doing really well." He pointed at my apartment.

"I wasn't always doing well. Luke actually had to pay my first 4 months of rent on this place, but after that I was making enough to afford it myself." I said and he nodded.

"You're also looking really good Red." He said and I couldn't help but blush.

"You know, a shower and proper food goes a long way." I said and he laughed. There was a pause in the conversation, but I didn't mind it.

"Clary, I came here for a reason." He said and I looked at him. "I am so incredibly sorry for what happened a year ago."

"Jace. It's in the past." I said.

"I know, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't get an apology." He said. "I was stupid. We were messing around, and I never thought about how you'd feel if I got with someone else. And Kaelie and I had so much history, and I was so high."

"Please Jace. I don't want to remember it." I said and he nodded.

"You deserve better." He said. "Always remember that." I nodded and the conversation paused again.

"Where will you go from here?" I asked.

"No idea." He said. "Maybe I'll just bench jump." He laughed and I smiled.

"You should stay in the city." I blurted out. "It's really awesome." I tried to recover.

"Do you want me to stay Red?" He smirked and I laughed.

"Only if you want." I said and he moved closer.

"Can we start over Clary?" He asked and I took a deep breath.

"If we did start over, what would be different? Besides the drugs and alcohol." I asked.

"For one, I would never take you for granted." He said. "You have always held a special place in my heart Clary. Ever since the beginning."

"I have?" I asked and he smiled.

"Since I first laid eyes on you." He said. "I would also hold you hand in public, and let everyone know that I was yours and you were mine." He said and my heart fluttered. I've never had that before.

"It has to be different Jace." I said and he nodded. "We can't keep things from each other. We have to be opened. The past may be the past, but it's who we are. I don't care how painful it is to talk about, if we need to talk about it, we're going to talk about it."

"I totally agree with that. I had to attend therapy in rehab, and it was actually really helpful talking my problems out." He said and I nodded.

"Starting fresh is going to be incredibly hard for us Jace. We have a history, and not a very pleasant one." I pointed out and he nodded.

"I agree, but I want to start fresh." He said. "I want that with you."

"And you're sure?" I asked and he laughed.

"I'm positive, and for the first time in my life, it's not for a drug test." He said and I couldn't help but laugh, and he stuck his hand out. "I'm Jonathan, it's nice to meet you."

"Clarissa." I said and we shook hands.

"So Clarissa, what should I know about you?" He asked and I laughed.

"You should know I hate being called Clarissa." I said and he laughed.

"Duly noted." He said and I smiled. "Anything else?" He asked.

"It's long list, you got the time?" I asked and he sat back against the couch.

"I've got nothing but time for you." He said and I smiled and leaned back into the couch as well. It may not be the love story most people were used too, but it was ours. It was unique, and somewhat odd, but ours. That was something people could never take away from us. I didn't know what the future held for Jace, and me but what I did know was that our history was just that – history.

Authors Note:

So, as you all know, I recently went on vacation, so that's why I haven't been updating my one shots, but here I am! So on vacation, during my airport waiting, and plane ride, I started a book. It's called 'Girl In Pieces' by Kathleen Glasgow, and I knew immediately that I wanted to write a Clace story out of it. So this is that story but in TMI version, and I hope you all love it! I changed a lot of things, and the timeline, but over all I tried to stick with the key concept, and I actually really like it and I hope ya'll do too!

Disclaimer – I don't own 'Girl In Pieces', that belongs to Kathleen Glasgow, and I think the book is amazing! If you want something to read, it only took be about three days to read the whole book. It deals with lots of heavy topics, as you read above, so be prepared.

Okay, so if anyone has read the book, I just wanted to give you all a character list, if you haven't read the book, it might mean absolutely nothing to you, but I had to write them all down to keep them straight in my head! So here it goes:

Main Characters:

Clary – Charlotte

Jace – Riley

Simon – Mikey

Old Friends:

Sebastian – DannyBoy

Kirk – Evan

Matt – Dump

Java Jones People (True Grit in book)

Cecilia – Julie

Izzy – Temple

Alec – Randy (Girl in book, but changed for this one shot)

Helen – Linus

Mark – Tanner

Institute People (Creeley in the book)

Maureen – Blue

Aline – Louisa

Jia – Casper

Alaric – Bruce

Camille – Doc Dooley

Caterina – Jen S.

Jordan – Vinnie

Elaine – Nurse Ava

Seelie – Isis

Town People:

Maia – Bunny

Kaelie – Wendy

Lilith – Molly

Jessamine – Darla

Raphael – Random friend of Jace

Lily – Random friend of Jace

Axel – Gil (guy who quit Grit)

Secondary People:

Hodge – Leonard

Jocelyn – Misty

Tessa – Ariel

Emma – Ellis

Meliorn – Fucking Frank

Luke – Felix

Also, since I don't own the book 'Girl In Pieces' I need to put in here the quotes that I specifically used form the book! Of course I changed some of the words to fit this story, but I need to give credit to the woman who actually wrote these words:

Quote One:

PG – 43

Quote Two:

PG – 47

Quote Three:

PG 48 – 50

These are direct quote with a few changes! I needed it, and Kathleen just wrote it so perfectly, and I thought it added to the story! They have the * next to them for a reason!

Quote Four:

PG 52 – 54

Quote Five:

PG 77 – 91

Quote Six:

PG 98 – 99

Quote Seven:

PG 100 – 101

Quote Eight:

PG 118 – 123

Quote Nine:

PG 130 – 131

Quote Ten:

PG 142 – 148

Quote Eleven:

PG 152 – 155

Quote Twelve:

PG 327 – 329

And to the whole book where I drew this inspiration from! If I missed any, this is my disclaimer! I tried to write it all down, but at some points I got so wrapped up in story that I may have missed a few!