Good morning! How are you all, good? Yay!
I'm still recovering from Otakon, honestly. I had SUCH an amazing time, like, there are no words. I met some new truly wonderful people and hung out with friends I hadn't seen in years. Plus I was dressed as Kamui so I was walking around talking shit to everyone. You know, as you do.
ANYWAY, chapter 6! Like I said last chapter, if this fic is a roller coaster, this chapter is the peak. Everything is super precarious and you know it's all about to get terrifying. Don't worry, though, you have a whole other week before everything goes to hell.
Enjoy~
The next morning, Subaru awoke very suddenly and immediately felt intensely aware of Kamui next to him. He swallowed as pieces of the night before started to come together like a vaguely embarrassing jigsaw puzzle: dinner with friends, Seishiro's phone call, the train ride home, listening to music and exchanging secrets with Kamui before falling asleep next to him. Subaru rolled over, his heart beating uncomfortably fast.
Kamui lay on his side, facing away, his back expanding and contracting with his breath, shiny black hair contrasting sharply with his pale neck. Subaru shifted slightly under the blankets and Kamui stirred, moaning sleepily. Subaru felt bad for disturbing him as he rolled over onto his back, stretching like a cat. "Good morning," he said, his voice thick with sleep, opening his eyes blearily. Subaru's heart beat even faster against his ribs. The morning light fighting to get through the drawn shades illuminated Kamui's features, sharp and beautiful as ever. "What's up?" Subaru started.
"What? Nothing."
"You look freaked out." Subaru swallowed, his heart beating ever faster, though he had no idea why he was so anxious; nothing had happened, not that it would! But… Maybe some other line had been crossed? There was no physical intimacy, but there certainly had been emotional intimacy, and it was new and strange, which didn't make it bad, just- "Subaru?" Kamui asked, eyes shining in concern. "Are you okay?" Subaru's heart throbbed painfully. Kamui was so unusual, so interesting, so kind to him.
"Of course," Subaru said firmly. "You were so good to me last night." All the worry in Kamui's face drained out of it and he smiled.
"You did the same for me." Subaru smiled back at him, his heart slowing at last. Kamui exhaled forcefully and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "I should probably go," he said, slowly, and Subaru sat up as well. "Did you still want to come over sometime?"
"Sure," Subaru said, warmth in his chest. "I'm still not sure of my schedule this week but I'll let you know." Kamui grinned and stretched his arms up over his head. The shirt he was wearing, Subaru's shirt, pulled up, revealing his hipbones and belly.
A few minutes later, Kamui was back in his own clothes and standing by the door, feeling sad about leaving even though he knew that was silly. "I had an awesome time with you last night," he said.
"Me too," Subaru said softly, smiling. "I'll text you the second I know about next week." Now Kamui smiled.
"Awesome." They hesitated for a second, then hugged each other goodbye. Kamui inhaled smoke, soap and skin as he held tight to Subaru.
"Take care," Subaru said softly when they broke apart.
"You too," Kamui replied, and he was out the door. Subaru remained where he was, staring at the closed door as he had done the morning Seishiro left. Except now he felt fulfilled, even through his nerves. The new intensity of their friendship was a little scary, but also exciting. He was curious, happy to let himself get pulled in. It was like when he'd first met Seishiro, except that had been like getting swept out to sea by a tidal wave. This-
Back in the living room, Subaru's phone went off. He hurried to answer it. Seishiro.
By the grace of god, Kamui's phone still had enough battery to get him home. However, the beautiful weather of the day before was gone, and he shivered as he walked back to the R train, his arms crossed protectively in front of his body. This might have looked and felt like a walk of shame, but the time he'd spent with Subaru had put him into a totally uplifted mood.
Subaru was someone so totally non-judgmental, so empathic, so just… he'd never met anyone like him. It felt amazing to finally be honest about what he did, and about Fuuma, even if he couldn't say everything yet. He wondered if this could have happened with anyone other than Subaru, but he doubted it. After all, he couldn't even tell Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha, the people he loved the most. He could trust Subaru as he couldn't trust anyone else, and though it was a little overwhelming, he wasn't afraid.
Kamui felt so lucky to have stumbled into this friendship with such an amazing person. As he entered the train station, he wondered if Subaru's boyfriend knew how special he was, then wondered if that was stupid. In another stroke of luck, the train pulled into the station after barely a minute of waiting.
"Are you home?"
"Yes."
"Are you alone?"
"Yes, why wouldn't I be?"
"You tell me." Subaru's heart was in his throat and his palms were sweating.
"Are you angry with me?" He asked, pacing back and forth between the kitchen and living room.
"Should I be?"
"Will you please just answer me?!" Subaru snapped. A moment's silence, and horror rose up inside him. "I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, backing down at once. More silence. "I'm just worried, I don't want you to be angry with me, I want to know what I did wrong!"
"Don't raise your voice at me," Seishiro said simply, but Subaru shuddered at the threat. He said nothing, waiting, his mouth dry. "You always tell me when you'll be away working but you don't say you're going out with someone I don't know? It's just concerning…" Seishiro's voice trailed away delicately and Subaru's throat burned. He felt the words and the implication like white-hot knives in his heart, and he could barely speak for trying not to cry.
"Please don't- I love you! I'd never do anything like that! I just didn't want to bother you! I'm sorry, I promise next time I'll tell you everything! It's my fault, I'm sorry!" Subaru's chest heaved with emotion. He felt disgusting, worthless, furious with himself.
Kamui answered texts as he walked back to his apartment, assuring customers he'd meet them later. Yuzuriha had sent him "How was the rest of your night~?" to which he'd responded,
"We slept together" just to mess with her. After all, he wasn't lying. He entered his building and climbed the stairs, wondering if his friends really did want him and Subaru to start dating, or if they were just happy to think he was with someone he'd actually let them meet. Again, he wondered if that was stupid. His friends weren't like that; they just liked teasing him. Besides, they all knew Subaru had a boyfriend.
Kamui opened the door to his apartment, shivering at how cold it was: he'd left his bedroom windows open yesterday. He hurried to close them at once, feeling a sudden rush of loneliness, thinking of Subaru.
"I don't want to fight with you, please!" Subaru moaned, gripping the edge of his kitchen counter.
"Then stop, you're going crazy over nothing." Subaru closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose.
"You accused me of being unfaithful, that's nothing?!" Seishiro's laugh was like those white-hot knives in his heart had twisted painfully.
"I never said that. If that's where your mind went, well…" Subaru wanted to cry out in frustration. 'How could he say that?! I didn't do anything wrong except not tell him I was going out with friends!' The injustice welled up in Subaru's chest and tears finally came. 'And invite someone back with you and let him sleep in your bed,' his mind reminded him nastily. 'But that was all!' He argued with himself. It wasn't just anyone, it was Kamui, and it was only so he wouldn't have to go home alone in the middle of the night. He hadn't had any ulterior motives! Subaru took a deep, shuddering breath and wiped his eyes impatiently, hating himself.
"I'm sorry," he said, not brave enough to say anything else.
"What for? You said you've been good." More tears. Subaru's head was spinning. That was right, he had been good! Nothing had happened!
"What do you want?" He asked, weakly, wanting this to be over. Seishiro made an impatient noise and Subaru shut his eyes tight.
"Don't cry," Seishiro said softly, though the words weren't kind or comforting. Even more tears.
"I promise I'll tell you where I'm going next time."
"Okay." Silence. "I have to go, it's late here. I love you." The threat in the last three words was palpable. Subaru shuddered, crying silently, resolving to do better, to work harder, whatever, to prevent more fights. He yearned for Seishiro; he wanted to be held, reassured, but he was thousands of miles away, geographically and emotionally.
"I love you too," Subaru whispered, feeling so totally alone.
"We'll talk tomorrow." Subaru's heart swelled.
"Okay, good night." A few more painful seconds, then Seishiro ended the call. Subaru held his phone to his chest, trying to calm down. He felt shell-shocked, empty and exhausted. He walked back to his room and crawled into bed, curling into a ball under the covers. His head spun nauseatingly as it always did after fights. Nothing resolved, nothing changed. He had been feeling so full, so happy after seeing his friend, and Seishiro had taken it all away with just a few words.
Anger flared suddenly in Subaru's chest, and he felt taken aback. He was used to feeling angry with himself, but being angry, actually angry, with Seishiro was alarming. Then again, who was Seishiro to be angry at Subaru for not saying where he was? Seishiro did this all the time! Hadn't he started that massive fight because he hadn't told Subaru he was going to Tokyo? And he was mad at Subaru going to a friend's house? Subaru's anger swelled shockingly, but then burned out just as quickly. He didn't want to be angry with Seishiro. He loved Seishiro. He just wanted them to be okay. They had to be okay; he'd sacrificed too much for them not to be okay.
Subaru felt another spark of anger and rolled her, burying his face in his pillows as more tears came. He shuddered, inhaling an unfamiliar smell where Kamui had slept. He curled into a tighter ball and pulled his blanket more closely around him, breathing deeply through his nose, slowly feeling himself calm down. Everything felt weird right now, it was like he couldn't do anything right.
He wished Kamui hadn't left. Being alone with his anger and self-disgust was too much.
"WHAT?! REALLY?! OMG HOW WAS IT?!" Kamui snorted and put his phone to charge by his computer. He'd probably wait at least a half hour to answer Yuzuriha, really draw out her agony.
He took off his shirt as he walked into his bathroom and threw it carelessly onto the floor before turning on the shower and stepping under it. He sighed heavily, knowing he needed more supplies from Fuuma and feeling apprehensive for some reason. He started scrubbing himself clean, tenderly washing over the bruises on his chest. He had a sudden, visceral flashback to Subaru's fingers there, soft and curious. He grabbed the spot with his own hand, inhaling sharply, then shook himself. He needed coffee, or more sleep, or something.
A little while later, Kamui was redressed in warmer clothes and back out the door, only responding to Yuzuriha's text when he was right outside Fuuma's apartment. "Intimate"
Subaru awoke hours later with a painful sinus headache and a very painful feeling of being in limbo. He got up to take medicine, then to check his phone, but of course there was nothing new from Seishiro. He'd expected this, but he still felt another sudden flare of anger, which was only more confusing. He felt totally wrong-footed in his own anger; he had no idea what to do with it, especially with Seishiro far away. Although truthfully, he doubted him being there would even make a difference.
He returned to the living room and sank onto the couch, thinking vaguely of getting work done. He opened his laptop and found himself on the same YouTube page Kamui had opened the night before. He hesitated, eyes narrowed curiously, then played another song by the same artist. He figured it'd be a welcome distraction. A dreamy, soft voice played from the computer, singing about dissatisfaction in a relationship and poorly expressed frustration. Subaru's eyes widened in disbelief as he turned up the volume and reached for his cigarettes.
Kamui left Fuuma's apartment with more weed and a new assignment. Fuuma had wanted him to stay, but he'd gotten a phone call about something important, and Kamui had left straight away. He felt strangely relieved that he hadn't stuck around for more, though that was probably because he had customers hounding the fuck out of him and wanted to complete his drop offs in a reasonable amount of time. Yuzuriha had texted him "How so? I mean aside from the obvious~" and he planned to send her
"What do you mean aside from the obvious?" in a few minutes. He walked up 8th Avenue to make his first stop at the New School dorm on 20th Street, and felt his phone go off. He figured it was his customer, but he smiled at Subaru's name.
"I can't stop listening to High By The Beach" A huge grin lit up Kamui's face.
"Isn't it fucking great?!" He quickly put the song on for himself; it made him happy to think they were listening to the same thing.
"Yes!"
The combination of listening to music and texting Kamui seemed to be doing Subaru good. Of course, talking to Kamui always made him feel better, or at least distracted him, which came to the same thing, really. He had checked his work e-mail and finished making appointments, and the productivity was gratifying. "Now I'm listening to it" came Kamui's response, and Subaru smiled affectionately at his phone.
"Do you want to hang out tomorrow?" He texted back, rather recklessly, his face growing hot. He still had a few days of Seishiro limbo to deal with and he didn't think he could do it by himself. He felt totally pathetic at how much he liked Kamui's attention, how much he craved his kindness. Wasn't it selfish? Desperate?
"Yes please :)" Subaru decided it didn't matter and sent the response at once.
"I'm done with work in the afternoon, probably around 5"
"Come over after! We can listen to more music. Where are you going to be? I'll give you directions" Subaru smiled in happy anticipation and played the song again. He'd tell Seishiro he was seeing Kamui when they spoke tomorrow, if he kept his word and actually called him. He exhaled forcefully, again feeling uncomfortable in his anger, wondering where it was all coming from. He tried to push it out of his mind: he had to build up his reserves of energy for their conversation tomorrow, not to mention work.
Kamui stood outside the dorm, waiting for his customer and thinking how totally suspect this would look, except that security guards at The New School notoriously did not give a fuck. His phone went off at another text from Yuzuriha. "YOU KNOW WHAT THE FUCK I MEAN" Kamui's lip curled.
"Ohhhhhh you think we hooked up?! I just meant we slept in the same bed wtf is wrong with you?! :P" He then texted Subaru directions from his client's apartment, a happy anticipation filling his whole body. Even though they'd just seen each other, it seemed their reunion couldn't come fast enough.
The prospect of seeing Kamui was the only thing that sustained Subaru over the following long and exhausting day. He sat in a corner of the A train heading downtown, memories and emotions chasing each other through his mind.
True to his word, Seishiro had called Subaru that morning, and it had been painful. He'd asked Subaru how he was, casually, easily, as if they hadn't had that terrible fight the last time they'd spoken. Subaru had made a disbelieving noise in his throat and Seishiro's tone had turned icy. "Ever since I left you've been so angry," he said. Subaru shuddered at his displeasure, the words stinging.
"I'm sorry, I don't like it either," he replied, wearily, which was perfectly true. A pause. "I'm going to see my friend after I finish working today," he added.
"Was that so hard?" Subaru bit back a response, and the conversation ended shortly after. Even though Subaru supposed they were reconciled, he felt drained and empty, except for this new unsettling anger. 'Seishiro can't be mad at me,' he thought, and found he was able, almost, to detach. 'I did what he asked.' He swallowed, his heart beating rather fast. He found it weirdly empowering to think this way without being scared of Seishiro's reaction. Of course, he was still scared of Seishiro's reaction. If Seishiro wanted to, he could end their relationship, throw Subaru away. Then he'd have to go home and explain that it had been his fault the relationship he'd sacrificed so much for had ended. That he'd been wrong. That he'd made a mistake.
Subaru had gone to his first appointment that day, still feeling detached, but thankfully there was nothing paranormal going on, just shady electrical work. His next appointment had been a house blessing, but… He sighed heavily, thinking of that client, and turned up his music self-consciously. After making plans the day before, Subaru had gone out to buy headphones and loaded his phone with music from the artist Kamui had shown him. He now understood completely why everyone wore headphones on the train: there was something deeply comforting about having them on. Plus, hearing someone else's voice all the time made you feel less lonely, even if it was in a song.
The A train sped downtown and he got off at West 4th Street as Kamui had instructed. It was freezing outside and a sharp breeze whipped him across the face as he paused to light the cigarette he'd been craving. He texted Kamui to let him know he was close and headed east, smoking and listening to the music. He felt everyone around him, the nebulous ocean of their energy, but it was dulled by his music and his worries. However, he felt himself begin to relax as he reached Kamui's part of town. He'd never really been over here, but the old-fashioned buildings, narrow tree-lined streets and families with small children were a welcome change from his usual surroundings. A man a few years older than Subaru hurried past him, a bright orange cake box in one hand and his small daughter grasping the other, chattering away in an unfamiliar language. Subaru smiled as he watched them go and crossed 1st Avenue. He found the door that must be Kamui's, sandwiched between a bodega and a liquor store. He put out his cigarette and pressed the buzzer.
Almost at once he heard the earsplitting noise that meant the door had unlocked. He pushed it open, looking around at the grimy, dimly lit entryway. He made sure the door was completely shut before beginning to climb the stairs. Kamui had warned him he lived on the fifth floor of a walk-up, and though it wasn't awful, Subaru reflected it'd probably be easier if he didn't smoke so much. He walked down the hall to 5E and rang the doorbell before taking off his headphones and stowing everything in his bag. Locks clicked and the door opened, revealing Kamui in jeans and a t-shirt, beaming at the sight of him. "Hi!" Subaru didn't realize just how much tension and sadness he was still holding in his body until it all began to drain out of him. He hugged Kamui hello, so glad to see him, smelling the shampoo he'd been inhaling on his pillows for the last twenty-four hours. "Come in," Kamui said when they broke apart. "My place is sort of a wreck but I swear to god I tried."
Subaru laughed as he stepped inside, finding himself in combined kitchen and living room. He toed off his shoes, looking around in interest. The room was full of soft evening light from the windows all along one wall. The other walls were covered in posters and pictures or supporting shelves full of books, photographs, manga and videogames. Music played from speakers in a corner, but it was nothing Subaru recognized. "Here, you can put all your stuff in my room," Kamui told him, leading him down a short hallway and opening a door to his right. More natural light, more photos and a clumsily made bed covered in pillows and blankets.
"Your apartment is so nice!" Subaru said, taking off his coat. Kamui shrugged, though he looked gratified as he laid Subaru's coat and bag neatly on his bed.
"It's all right, my building is old and ratchet, not like yours, but-"
"That's not important," Subaru interrupted him, earnestly. "There's good feeling in here, if that makes any sense…" His voice trailed away rather sadly, but Kamui looked very pleased.
"From an onmyoji I'll take that as a huge complement!" Subaru smiled back at him. "Do you want a tour? I mean, you've pretty much seen everything, but…" Subaru nodded eagerly, but then caught sight of a photograph in a dated silver frame on the bedside table. Kamui followed Subaru's gaze and smiled at his curious expression. He stood right in front of Subaru and picked up the photo, showing a school group in front of what looked like a ruin. "This was, first grade? At the Met." Subaru leaned forward, he could have rested his chin on Kamui's shoulder, looking interestedly at the picture. "There I am," Kamui said, though it was totally unnecessary: he hardly looked different, just smaller. He had the same shiny black hair falling in his face, the same challenging, intense expression. Subaru smiled affectionately. "My mother said this was her favorite photo of me, so she always kept it here." He let out a soft sigh and Subaru felt his emotion.
"Who's that?" He asked, pointing at the girl next to Kamui in the picture with whom he was holding hands. Kamui rubbed his thumb tenderly over the girl's face.
"My best friend from growing up, Kotori. Remember my Aunt Saya I told you about? That's her daughter."
"Your mother's best friend, of course I remember." Kamui smiled appreciatively. "Are you still friends?" Kamui hugged the photo to his chest and turned to face Subaru, who felt him even though they weren't touching.
"No," he said, regretfully. He looked up at Subaru, then continued. "They were both killed in a car accident when I was fifteen." Subaru gasped in horror.
"I'm so sorry!" He exclaimed.
"It's okay, really," Kamui told him, though he appreciated the sympathy. "It happened a long time ago."
"Still, that must have been devastating for both of you," Subaru said softly, giving Kamui's arm a gentle squeeze. Kamui nodded, Subaru's touch spreading through him. As with his mother's death, he didn't talk about Kotori and Saya much, but again, it was different with Subaru.
"Yeah, I sort of went crazy for a while," he said, flushing slightly.
"That's why you were always in trouble in high school?" Kamui nodded. Subaru could tell this was another of the big things that Kamui kept a secret, and he could feel his pain, even though it had happened a long time ago. "Grief does things to people," Subaru continued sympathetically.
"Yeah," Kamui agreed, remembering the place he'd been in after his mother had died, when he'd met Fuuma. He carefully replaced the photo on his bedside table, still deeply aware of his friend's support and compassion. "Sorry to totally derail everything-"
"It's okay," Subaru assured him, giving his arm another squeeze. They exchanged a reassuring smile.
"Here, let me show you around." The walked back into the hallway, and Kamui pointed to the door right in front of them. "This was my room when I was a kid, but now it's just storage. I could turn it into a guest room or something but that's mad work." Subaru nodded, staring at the door, the feeling behind it contrasting sharply with the rest of the apartment. He could tell it hadn't been opened for a long time, and though Kamui put on his flippant attitude about it, Subaru knew instinctively that moving out of the room and keeping the door shut represented a lot to him. "I told you there wasn't much to see," Kamui continued as he gestured towards the bathroom at the end of the hall, bringing Subaru back to the present.
They returned to the living room, and immediately Subaru eyed the framed pictures on the bookshelves. Kamui smiled, watching him. "Here," he said, standing beside Subaru and indicating another photo. "That's my mom, Aunt Saya, me and Kotori." Subaru's eyes were drawn irresistibly to Kamui's mother: he had inherited her fine, proud features, sharp dark eyes and hair that fell in messy waves. Even through the photo, Subaru felt her intensity, her power. Next to her, Kotori was her mother in miniature: they both had soft, beautiful faces, large kind eyes and light brown hair. The four of them looked like matching sets, one light and one dark.
"You look so much like your mother," Subaru told Kamui, who sighed resignedly.
"Everyone always says that," he replied. "Sorata used to always talk about how hot he thought she was until someone pointed it out, then shit just got awkward." Subaru burst out laughing, and Kamui rolled his eyes affectionately. "I told him like, if you want to experiment I'm totally down!" Subaru covered his face with his hand, still laughing.
"I can picture that way too clearly!"
"Yeah, he got all pissed off at me about that, fucking punk," Kamui added, contemptuously. He stretched his arms above his head. "So, what do you want to do?"
"Um, I don't mind," Subaru replied, a little awkwardly, eyeing Kamui's hip bones. "Listen to more music?" Kamui nodded, looking excited. He threw himself down onto the couch pulled his laptop towards him.
"What do you want to hear?"
"Anything," Subaru replied, taking the seat next to him. He paused, chewing on his lip thoughtfully, scrolling, before deciding on something and placing his laptop back on the coffee table. An intense bass, trippy opening notes and passionate vocals echoed across the room. Subaru listened intently. The song made him feel weirdly nostalgic even though it was unfamiliar, or maybe it was just the old photos. It was comforting rather than sad, being in Kamui's warm apartment full of sunlight and memories. "Thank you for having me over," he said, and Kamui looked back at him happily.
"Anytime, you know I'm always happy to see you." Subaru went slightly pink, but was very pleased all the same. "How was work today? What did you do?" Subaru felt his chest constrict and he let out a weary sigh. "What happened?" Kamui asked at once, his eyes widening in concern.
"My second appointment today," Subaru began, feeling the residual sadness. "It was only a house blessing, so it wasn't a big deal, but," he shook his head. "It just took a lot out of me."
"Oh shit…"
"It's okay, it comes with the kind of work I do."
Subaru had taken the A train all the way up to Dyckman Street and found the building he needed a block away from Fort Tryon Park. He pressed the buzzer, and heard his client's scratchy voice on the intercom.
"Yes?"
"Yes, hi, I'm Subaru Sumeragi, here for the house blessing?"
"Right, I'll buzz you up." Subaru entered the building and took the old, rickety elevator up to the top floor. He could already feel something amiss as he knocked on his client's door. A young woman with scraggly hair and large, hazel eyes peered cautiously around the door.
"Good afternoon," Subaru said, politely, holding out his hand. She took it, a contrite smile on her face.
"Thank you so much for coming," she said. "Please, come in." She stepped aside and he entered the apartment, looking around. He immediately felt a rush of her sadness and fear and pain, though she was clearly trying hard to suppress it. She stood with her arms folded across her chest, looking pale, fragile and exhausted.
"You said in your e-mail you'd like a house blessing, but with extra protective spells?" He asked her, kindly. She'd clearly just moved in: everything was still in large, cardboard boxes except for a mattress on the floor and a laptop. She nodded, arms still tight around herself. "Do you mind if I ask what exactly you'd like protection from?" Subaru continued. She swallowed.
"Oh, well, it's more for my own sanity than anything," she replied, a flush rising in her face, neck and chest. Subaru nodded encouragingly.
"As most protective spells are." She tried to smile, still looking embarrassed.
"I uh, I just split up with my boyfriend, and, um," her voice broke, and she closed her eyes. Subaru felt her pain, raw and sharp in his own chest.
"It's all right," he told her, quietly. She rubbed her eyes impatiently.
"Sorry! I, I shouldn't be this upset, he's a disgusting person!" She said, furiously. Subaru swallowed the lump that had risen in his throat at her words.
"Break ups are always traumatic, please, you don't need to apologize." She took a deep breath, pressing her hand over her mouth and making a valiant effort to collect herself.
"I, I usually just get a house blessing candle or sage or something when I move, and, I'm sorry I don't exactly understand how onmyo magic works, but I wanted something more powerful this time, and…"
"Of course," Subaru said firmly, trying to sound take-charge and reassuring. She managed a small smile. "You know, though, if you're really worried about this person you'd do better to get a restraining order." She snorted.
"I can't, he never put his hands on me so no one would take me seriously," she said, bitterly, and once again Subaru felt the emotions leaking from her, despite her efforts to contain them. She took a deep breath, pressing her fingers to her mouth, but seemed unable to resist, and this time Subaru saw her memories, clear and sharp in his own mind. A man towering over her, screaming at her, then ripping the book she had clutched in her arms away from her and tearing it in half. Subaru's eyes burned, and he took several deep breaths, horrified. His client seemed to realize what had happened and she went deeply red and looked away, blinking back tears. Subaru's heart ached for her as he realized all of the negative emotions he'd been feeling from her were self-directed.
"You have nothing to feel ashamed of," Subaru told her, very seriously, though gently. She looked up at him, then burst into tears, covering her face with her hands. Subaru put his arm around her, listening and comforting as best he could.
"Fuck, man…" Kamui said softly. Subaru nodded, the emotions still gripping his body as he told the story.
"I did the blessing and put protection wards all around the apartment, then helped her start to unpack." Kamui hugged his knees into his chest, his heart pumping something strange and intense through his body, something other than the sympathy and upset he felt for Subaru's client. Before he realized what he was doing, he reached out and took Subaru's hand, and he returned the gesture with a squeeze. "I gave her my phone number and told her to call me if she needs anything." He sighed, hoping she was okay. It was easy for Subaru to open his heart at work, to be what his client needed, but he very rarely took it with him. This time, though, he'd felt for this young woman as he hadn't done in a long time.
"You're so awesome," Kamui said without thinking. Subaru shook his head.
"I was just trying to help."
"I know, but, that's more than most people would do, you know?" Subaru smiled and gave Kamui's hand another squeeze.
"You think so?" Kamui nodded vigorously, flushing. "I just know having someone who will listen to you means a lot," Subaru continued, and Kamui had to agree. They smiled at each other, affection rising between them, until Subaru finally let go of Kamui's hand. "I really like this song," he said, closing his eyes, listening to the spacey notes and soft male vocals. They were quiet for a while, the music filling the space, leaving no room for awkwardness.
"What are you doing this weekend?" Kamui asked, when a new, more energetic song began to play. He straightened up, brought the soles of his feet together and bent forward. Subaru turned, his heart fluttering suddenly.
"It's Seishiro's birthday on Friday, so, I think Saturday we'll do something for that, but…" he shrugged, watching Kamui stretch.
"That sounds cool," he said, with a good imitation of sincerity. He arched his back deeply, then sat up straight. Subaru watched the muscles of his upper back flexing and extending. "You must miss him." Subaru shrugged without meaning to and immediately shifted his position to cover the gesture. He supposed he did miss Seishiro in that he wanted him there so they could talk face to face and properly reconcile. However, he felt terribly anxious about his return after all the arguing, after how angry he'd been feeling. He had no idea what to expect, but wasn't sure how to say that without raising Kamui's alarm.
"Yeah," he said, hating himself for how unenthusiastic he sounded. Kamui watched him, and he continued. "We've spent a lot of time apart, I should be used to it, but," he broke off, shrugging again. It was true they would be apart for months at a time, but when Subaru was in Tokyo it had all been so romantic. He and Seishiro would Facetime almost every night, never able to say "I miss you" and "I love you" enough. Subaru's entire mind, body and soul would scream for Seishiro, until they'd finally reunite and it was all deep, intense passion. He'd feel so high, so in love, so utterly devoted it was like being swept out to sea, and then Seishiro would return to New York, taking half of Subaru's heart with him.
"…but it never gets easier?" Kamui offered, sympathetically. Subaru nodded, sighing heavily.
"No, it doesn't," he agreed, though that wasn't really what was bothering him. When Seishiro left before, Subaru just felt the painful, sad longing; he never doubted their relationship or their feelings for one another. Now though, he felt constantly anxious, worried, like everything was up in the air. Even thinking about it was enough to get his heart racing, pumping fear through his body. Kamui watched, hating to see his friend so distressed. "I thought, you know, once I came here and we were together all the time that it'd be perfect, but…" He paused. "I don't regret coming here," he said, firmly. "I just thought it'd be easier on us." Kamui wondered if Subaru would elaborate.
"I mean," he began, very cautiously. "It must have been a shift, going from long distance to moving in together."
"I suppose so." Was that really what was wrong, though? The first few weeks Subaru had been here were truly blissful: he and Seishiro had spent all their free time together, exploring and experiencing, it had been everything he'd hoped for. Then the arguments had started: the slight, the cold displeasure, the begging for forgiveness. Subaru hugged his knees into his chest, his heart pounding. He should be thrilled: Seishiro, the man he loved, the only person he'd ever felt this way about, was coming home to him, and instead he was dreading it. What was wrong with him? The new detachment he felt in his anger was all well and good while Seishiro was away, but Subaru didn't want to feel that way in person. He wanted everything to be good.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Kamui asked, softly, moving closer to him on the couch.
"What? Yes, I'm sure, don't worry. Just, thinking about Seishiro coming back." Kamui nodded.
"It's okay to be nervous," he said, even more softly, though he had no idea if this was the right thing to say. His breath caught in his chest as Subaru turned to look him in the face. Kamui's heart raced, but then Subaru's expression softened into a sad smile.
"I'm just being dramatic, I'm sure," he said in an admirable attempt at reassurance. Kamui said nothing, knowing instinctively that there was much more going on than Subaru was letting on, or perhaps that he was even aware of. Subaru was so astute and compassionate about other people's relationships and emotions, but then struggled when it came to himself, even though he was the most deserving person Kamui knew. He felt terrible for disliking Subaru's boyfriend as much as he did, considering they'd never met, but he didn't like that Subaru was always freaked out about and around him. His heart throbbed with righteous anger; he didn't want anyone to make Subaru that upset.
"I don't think you're being dramatic," he said, rather more loudly than he'd intended, blushing and looking away. He paused, wondering whether to explain himself truthfully or not. He swallowed and returned his gaze to Subaru's, noting how green his eyes looked in the soft evening light, how his hair fell gently across his face, how his lips parted curiously-
"Kamui?"
"Yeah, sorry, just figuring out how to say this." Subaru rested his chin on his knees, wondering what was coming. "I don't mean this disrespectfully," Kamui began, feeling a rush of nerves. "It just seems like you guys have been fighting a lot, so, I don't blame you for feeling nervous," he finished, looking at Subaru apprehensively. Subaru bit his lip, the words hitting him in the chest.
Not for the first time, it occurred to both of them that they'd seen more of each other than they'd ever allowed anyone else to see, even if it was by accident. Kamui saw Subaru's problems with Seishiro, and Subaru knew what Kamui did for a living and about his relationship with Fuuma. They were in a position, therefore, to be more open and honest with each other, to really tell the truth. However, you still had to be brave to be this honest, especially when it was with someone you really cared about. Subaru thought of telling Kamui everything, but, he wasn't sure he could yet. He'd need more time. He smiled affectionately at Kamui, his eyes proud even through his nervousness, framed by thick dark lashes.
"Thank you," Subaru told him, very quietly, and Kamui sighed in relief. "Things have been unpredictable, but, I think once Seishiro's back, it'll be okay." Kamui returned his smile.
"I hope so, I hate seeing you upset." Subaru laughed, blushing.
"Sorry," he said, sheepishly, and Kamui rolled his eyes.
"Don't be."
The stage is set, next week is the descent. See you all in a few days!
I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!
