Happy Thursday! How have you all been, good? Good!

I have to say I am SUPER excited about this chapter. Like, PAINFULLY so. I actually had a scary dream a few nights ago that I didn't post it on time, how sad is that? Anyway, this chapter is a trip, for sure. It's that first drop from the top of the roller coaster and I can't wait to hear what you guys think!

A few things:

This chapter actually has the first scene I ever wrote for this story. Back in like, March, when I was still going back and forth on what this fic could be (or even if I was going to write it at all!) I just wrote this test scene and showed it to my beta. She was like, "So you're writing this immediately." I won't say which scene it is, feel free to ask or guess~

Also I wrote later scenes as a response to a certain trope I see with SubaKam fics, where Subaru and Kamui are doing whatever but thinking about someone else. While that totally works and there's nothing wrong with it, I wanted to do something different, so I'll be curious what you all think!

Finally a HUGE thank you to every single person who has read this story and given me feedback (positive and negative!), reached out to me or left me love or kudos. I know I don't say it enough, but I have the best readers in the world. Truly, this story would not be what it is without you all. THANK YOU!

Okay I'm done. Enjoy chapter 7!


"Happy birthday to me," Seishiro said in a deeply satisfied tone. Subaru swallowed, eyes shut tight and face burning. He heard Seishiro zip up, then grab a fistful of tissues from the box on the bedside table. Subaru reached out blindly and took them, carefully rubbing his face clean and praying nothing would get in his eyes. He opened them slowly and looked up at Seishiro sitting on the edge of their bed. He stared back with that impassive stare masking something just below the surface. Subaru looked away, the hot flush in his face spreading to his neck and chest, waiting. "You're too adorable, Subaru." Subaru smiled mechanically. "Clean up and get dressed." Subaru nodded, stood up and hurried into the bathroom, the now familiar feeling of ill-usage heavy in his stomach. No kiss, no offer to reciprocate, just a wad of tissues and a command. Subaru shut the door and turned on the sink, wiping his face clean with a wet washcloth and avoiding looking at his reflection.

Seishiro's return to New York had been everything Subaru had feared. He'd taken a car back to the city after landing at JFK on Wednesday morning, insisting there was no need for Subaru to meet him there. Subaru spent all morning making sure the apartment was clean, washing his sheets twice as though destroying evidence. Then he waited, trying to stay positive and hopeful. At last, he heard the door open and hurried down the hall, his heart pounding against his ribs. Seishiro appeared on the threshold, carrying his suitcase and looking tired, but pleased to see him. "Subaru," he said, and Subaru smiled, heart throbbing, as he wrapped his arms around the man he loved in spite of it all. Seishiro held him close, and Subaru buried his face in his neck.

"I'm so glad you're back," he breathed, holding tight to the back of Seishiro's shirt.

"I'm sure," he replied, laughing and kissing Subaru on the top of the head. Subaru rubbed his face in his neck, his heart still racing. Everything was okay, what had he been so worried about? "I need to unpack."

"Ahh, yes!" Subaru followed Seishiro into their bedroom. They had looked at each other for a split second, then immediately fell into bed, kissing and touching and moaning. Seishiro had taken him greedily, and Subaru had felt so relieved, so happy, it was enough to make his head spin.

He shut off the water and finally looked up at his reflection, remembering how good everything had felt with a mounting resentment.

It had all been over quickly, and they actually lay together for a while before Seishiro had gotten up to unpack. Subaru remained curled up under the blankets, feeling windswept and satisfied. "What did you do while I was away?" Seishiro asked, folding clothes. Subaru shrugged, watching him.

"Worked, listened to music, mostly."

"And saw your friends."

"Yes, that too." Subaru stretched, his eyes still glued to Seishiro. "I had to keep busy." Seishiro's lip curled.

"I suppose you did."

"How was Tokyo? You must have been busy too?" Subaru asked, eager to keep the conversation moving and far away from their stupid arguments.

"Busy, yes, but they won't need me back for quite some time." Subaru smiled.

"I'm glad."

"I wish I didn't have to go straight back to work, though," Seishiro said, regretfully. Subaru's eyes widened.

"Already? But you must be so jetlagged!" Seishiro looked at him, his expression dismissive.

"You worry too much." Subaru flushed, then looked away. "What's wrong?" He felt a stab of irritation at his weary tone, and the atmosphere in the room seemed to freeze.

"Nothing, I just thought you'd take the rest of the week off so I didn't schedule anything. It's fine, though," he added quickly, doing his utmost not to sound annoyed or disappointed. Seishiro's eyes narrowed.

"I didn't ask you to do that."

"I said it's fine!" Subaru snapped. The happiness that had filled him for the last hour or so was gone, replaced by that same bitter anger that had ebbed and flowed inside him since the weekend. It wasn't fine: his client up on Dyckman Street had texted him to ask for more help, and he had postponed their appointment against his wishes and better judgment. He was upset, but it wasn't like there was anything he could do about it now. "I'm sorry, really, it's not that big a deal," he said, evasively, and thankfully there was no argument.

Subaru returned to the bedroom to change, every nerve in his body tingling with resentment, hating to think of the rest of the night.


"The bouncer is one of ours, so he'll let you right in."

"No doubt." Kamui stood in Fuuma's kitchen, tucking a fake glow stick full of ecstasy into his pocket. He felt totally confident about tonight; he'd be at a club he'd worked many times before and he'd already texted a few of his regulars who assured him they'd be there. Fuuma leaned against his kitchen counter, smoking and eyeing Kamui, making him blush.

"I wish I could go with you," he said regretfully. Kamui's gaze snapped to Fuuma's, and his eyes glittered. "Come back here tonight when you're done. I'll be up." His voice was soft and sultry, and though Kamui was immediately suspicious, something hopeful was struggling to come alive in his chest.

"Why?" He asked, trying to sound innocently curious. Fuuma tilted his head to the side and exhaled smoke, his expression magnetic.

"Because that's what I want," he said, his voice lowering seductively. Kamui nodded, unable to do anything else. Fuuma's lip curled and he put out his cigarette before walking over to kiss Kamui on the lips. He inhaled sharply as Fuuma pulled away, looking pleased. "I'll see you later." Again, all Kamui could do was nod. He put on his jacket, picked up his bag and stepped into the elevator. He knew Fuuma was still watching him and he turned, giving him one last look over his shoulder as the doors closed.

Kamui bit his lip as he put on his headphones, finally letting the hope in his chest take root, even though it freaked him out. Whatever he told himself, his friends and Subaru, Kamui felt there was always a part of him that was, not necessarily in love with Fuuma, but that wanted Fuuma to return his feelings, to be that person who had swept him off his feet all those years ago, even though he knew it would be dangerous. He had no idea what it would mean for their professional relationship, not to mention his own safety…

He stepped out of Fuuma's building and a cruel wind slapped him across the face, jerking him back to the present. He turned up his music as he headed towards the train on 8th Avenue. It was freezing as it had been for days, and he reflected bitterly that this time last week it had been gorgeous out, and he'd been going to Sorata and Arashi's apartment with Subaru… The hope in his chest compressed suddenly into something heavy and sad. He was worried about Subaru: his texts had been few and far between since his boyfriend had come back, and when he did send messages they were short and contrite. It was sort of embarrassing how much Kamui wanted to see him, and even more embarrassing to wonder if he could.

He tried to recover himself as he entered the train station, though fear and uncertainty continued to swirl in his mind. An E train arrived quickly and he stepped onto it, thinking of Fuuma, and Subaru, his heart pounding.


Subaru texted Kamui "Are you at work?" as he followed Seishiro to their elevator. He shoved his phone back in his pocket before he could turn around and see. There was no legitimate reason for Seishiro to be angry about Subaru sending messages, but he was sure he'd find a way. Subaru knew he had to be discreet, at least for now, but he hated neglecting Kamui. He missed him. His messages provided his constant, reassuring presence, even when they were apart.

Subaru remembered his last night with Kamui, trading stories, exchanging kind words and listening to music, pausing only to order pizza. It was so easy for them to just be together, even if they weren't speaking. Now, even as he and Seishiro stood side by side in silence, he felt like he was performing, though he was doing a terrible job. After that first hour of passion, he and Seishiro had been arguing almost constantly. At first Subaru had understood he was tired, recovering from the time change, but now he felt too exhausted himself to keep making excuses.

They boarded the 1 train like always, still not speaking. Subaru wished he had his headphones, or could text Kamui, but forced himself to remain present. He didn't want to surrender to his anger, even if it allowed him refuge. After all, maybe tonight would be different? Seishiro had initiated everything that had happened earlier, their first time doing anything physical since the day he'd come back. Subaru reached out tentatively and took Seishiro's hand, but didn't even get a smile in return.


Kamui paused right outside Port Authority to answer Subaru's text, smiling in relief at his phone. "I'm on my way there now" He changed the song he was listening to and proceeded up 8th Avenue then west along 44th Street. Throngs of young women wearing high, strappy shoes and winter coats tottered along, clutching the arms of their meathead male counterparts. Kamui swerved around a crowd of them arguing about directions in thick, Long Island accents.

Hell's Kitchen was all excruciatingly long blocks lined with townhouses long since broken up into very expensive apartments. There were restaurants in the basements of all of these, and people were cued up outside waiting for tables, talking, smoking and shivering. Kamui was trying his best to prepare for work, but he felt so isolated and out of place, it was distracting. He longed for his friends, for Subaru, for those people who made him feel most like himself. He crossed 10th Avenue and felt his phone go off. "Please be careful!" Kamui gripped his phone, the heavy sadness in his chest metastasizing inside him. They'd talked a lot about work the last time they'd seen each other, and Kamui knew it had freaked Subaru out.

"Do you ever think of leaving?" Subaru had asked, cautiously, selecting a slice of pizza from the box on the coffee table. Kamui took a bite of his own slice, chewed it and swallowed it before answering.

"Think about it, sure, but I wouldn't actually do it."

"Why not?" Subaru's eyes were wide as he listened.

"I can't," Kamui had told him simply. 'I either wait until my bosses get caught or they decide I'm a security risk and have me killed,' he thought, rather than said, because he couldn't stand to make Subaru look anymore afraid than he already did. "I make good money," he continued, shrugging.

"But-" Subaru began, but Kamui forestalled him.

"I just take it day by day, you know?" They'd held each other's gaze for a few seconds before Subaru nodded. They both knew taking it day by day was the best strategy for dealing with a volatile, unpredictable relationship.

"I will, don't worry. What are you up to tonight?" He sent the text to Subaru, then remembered it was his boyfriend's birthday. The heavy sadness throbbed, but he forced himself to stay focused, knowing he was as worried about Subaru as Subaru was about him.


"This way." Seishiro held Subaru's hand rather more tightly than was necessary as they walked east towards Columbus Avenue. They were the first words either of them had spoken since leaving the apartment, though it didn't seem to bother Seishiro at all. Subaru had forced himself to keep silent, not to start an argument accidentally, make tonight a good one and enjoy the time with his boyfriend.

As the icy breeze swirled around them, Subaru caught sight of the Museum of Natural History. The tension gripping his body seemed to ease a little. It made him think of Kamui's school picture, of watching him hold the photo to his chest. Seishiro stopped abruptly, pulling Subaru back towards him. He blushed and looked at the ground as they entered a restaurant on the first floor of a luxurious building on 79th Street. They were greeted by soft, neutral colors and warm, low lights. Subaru had never quite gotten used to all the nice places Seishiro took him, always feeling it was way more than he deserved. He hadn't minded so much when it had all been new and exciting, but now he just felt out of place.

Immediately someone rushed up to take their coats and Seishiro approached the maître di about their reservation. Subaru took advantage of his distraction to check his phone. Kamui's texts felt like a lifeline in his sea of exhaustion and uncertainty. "Out to dinner for Seishiro's birthday… some place uptown" He wanted to tell Kamui to be careful a second time, even though he knew it would be pointless and excessive.

A server dressed in a handsome black suit approached Subaru and Seishiro. "Right this way, please." Seishiro placed his hand on Subaru's lower back and led him inside.


Kamui paused on 11th Avenue to read Subaru's message, wondering if he was feeling as unenthusiastic as he came across in his text. He sent him "Ohh sweet, have fun!" then paused, staring at his phone intently for a few seconds before adding, recklessly, "Text me if you need me" He went furiously red as he shoved his headphones into his bag and cellphone into his pocket next to the glow stick, getting ready.

All of the clubs in this area were pretty much the same, and he'd worked all of them before. The place where he was stationed tonight was smaller, quieter and more expensive to get into. Red and purple lights lit up the entrance, and a line of shivering people extended down the block even though it was still quite early. Kamui walked right up to the door, which was manned by a bouncer who'd worked with Fuuma for a while, though Kamui had only met him a few times. He was tall, with thick muscles and thicker eyebrows. Although he looked terrifying, he gave off a good vibe. "K-town," he said, brofisting Kamui.

"Kusanagi." He stepped aside and allowed Kamui in, ignoring the outraged yells of people waiting. The door closed, plunging him into red semi-darkness. He could hear music pulsing and throbbing further in, though it was punctuated by a sudden air horn blast. He rolled his eyes and found the coat check, which was also manned by someone he knew. He jointed the line, taking off his jacket and stuffing it into his bag, making sure one last time he still had his wallet, phone and supply.

"Hey!" The young woman working the coat check beamed at Kamui and he flashed her a winning smile. Enter, Kamui Shirou- hot adventurous party friend always up for a good time!

"What's up?" He reached over the counter and hugged her, whispering, "There's X in the front of my bag, if you want it." Her face was alight when they broke apart.

"This is on the house, then," she said, handing him a ticket. "I'll text you later, okay?"

"I hope so!" Kamui gave her one last smile and headed into the main floor, all thumping beats, flashing lights and an orgy of people dancing. The music paused for three more air horn blasts and Kamui sighed irritably, hoping that wouldn't be going on all night. He looked around, wondering if he knew anyone, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to find two pretty young women in tight dresses and heels, holding tiny purses and drinks.

"I was looking for you!" Whined the nearest one, a regular.

"You found me!" He exclaimed, hugging her.

"Are you selling?" She asked, right in his ear.

"Of course!" They withdrew from each other and started a conversation about nothing in particular. Kamui spun his glow stick in his fingers while she dug in her purse for cash. She took his hand, slipping him the money, and Kamui counted it surreptitiously before playfully sticking the end of his glow stick in his mouth. He opened the cap with his tongue and extracted the tablet. He smiled at his customer, then kissed her, gently pressing his tongue into her mouth to slip her the drug. They broke apart and she took a sip of her drink, giggling. Kamui turned to her friend. "You want a kiss?" He asked her, trying to imitate Fuuma's pull, his seductive tone. She smiled sheepishly, nodded yes and they repeated the move. "Drink lots of water," Kamui told them, before hurrying away around the edge of the crowd.


"Cheers," Seishiro said.

"Happy birthday," Subaru told him, quietly, a soft smile on his face. They had been seated in a warm, quiet corner and ordered drinks straight away. Subaru had felt his phone go off and hated himself for how much he wanted to answer it. For now, though, he tried to focus on Seishiro, watching the eyes behind his glasses slide between the pitch darkness outside and his own face. The soft candlelight illuminated Seishiro's handsome features, making him look strange, almost threatening. Subaru sipped his drink, waiting for the conversation to begin.

"Are you working next week?" Seishiro asked, finally, swirling his glass around.

"Yes, starting Monday," Subaru replied at once.

"What will you be doing?" This surprised Subaru.

"More work with a client I saw while you were away," he said, slowly.

"Who's that?" Subaru took another sip of his drink, unsure whether to be worried or heartened by Seishiro's interest.

"Someone uptown," he began, unsure of exactly what to say. "I did a house blessing for her."

"And she needs more help?"

"I'm not sure, actually," Subaru answered, truthfully. "But I'm worried about her."

"You worry about everyone, Subaru." Seishiro's eyes glittered, and Subaru couldn't tell if he was being put down or complemented. He flushed and sipped his drink.

"Well, with her I have good reason," he replied, a little defensively. Seishiro raised his eyebrows, but his smile remained as impassive as ever. Subaru's flush intensified, though that was probably from the drink. "She just split up with her boyfriend, and she's afraid of him, though she won't say so explicitly." Seishiro nodded, though his expression remained the same. "I told her to get an order of protection, but," he shrugged sadly at her resistance to the idea. "She probably just needs more help getting settled into her new place."

"She doesn't need an onmyoji for that," Seishiro said, dismissively.

"No, I suppose she doesn't," Subaru replied, biting back his irritation. "But, like I said, I'm worried about her, so…" His voice trailed away rather sadly and Seishiro just watched. Subaru felt another rush of that weird, bitter anger and he met Seishiro's gaze defiantly. "So I'm seeing her Monday to make sure everything is okay." Seishiro smiled and tilted his head to the side. Subaru usually found his expression unreadable, but for the first time he thought he could discern something. Was it pity? Contempt? Judgment?

"How are your drinks?" Their server had reappeared, breaking Subaru and Seishiro's gazes.


Kamui climbed a set of stairs, weaving in and around people in pairs, talking despite the noise or kissing despite the crowds. He managed to find a free corner and snuck into it, checking his phone to see if any of his customers had tried to contact him. "Hey I'm at the bar on the second floor!"

"You here?"

"Where you at?" Kamui answered each message, letting them all know he'd be up on the second floor. Below him, the DJ paused the music to ask everyone how they were doing for the fifth or sixth time since Kamui had arrived, followed by more air horn blasts.

'Okay seriously, who's in charge of this shit?' Rolling his eyes, Kamui shoved his phone back in his pocket, trying to suppress his disappointment that Subaru hadn't responded. Not that he could be surprised, he thought, bitterly. 'Subaru's fine, stop buggin out,' he told himself. 'You're at work!' Kamui shook himself and continued up the stairs.

The second floor was smaller, darker and quieter. Everything was suffused with red and purple light, and though the music continued to throb outwards from the DJ booth in the corner, there were no air horns or other nonsense. All around the room were smaller booths and tables crowded with people, sharing bottles and dancing together. Kamui snuck into a corner near the bar on the other side of the room, looking around but not seeing anyone he knew.

He watched the people enjoying themselves, remembering the night he'd met Fuuma on a sudden swell of nostalgia. He'd sat in a booth just like these, still in his work clothes, right by Fuuma's side, watching him buy and sell and negotiate, feeling his charisma, his pull. "There you are!" Came a voice from right behind him.

"Here I am!" he replied, turning around, snapping back to his professional demeanor. He was probably only thinking about this because he was going back to Fuuma's apartment later, but really, why couldn't he focus tonight?

"It's my friend's birthday," Kamui's customer told him excitedly, then, more quietly, "How much have you got on you?" Kamui followed him back over to his table, the music and crowds continuing around him.


"Tell me about these friends you've been seeing," Seishiro said, eyeing Subaru shrewdly. Again, Subaru wasn't sure how to feel about his interest.

"Well," he began, awkwardly, setting down his fork and taking a thoughtful sip of his drink. "I hang out with Kamui a lot. I met him at your party." He felt an embarrassed flush begin under the collar of his shirt but stared determinedly back at Seishiro, whose lip curled.

"What's he like?"

"He's-" Subaru paused, seeing Kamui's face clearly in his mind's eye. He saw his intense eyes and warm charismatic smile, felt his hand gripping his, smelled his hair on his pillows. "-a really good person," Subaru finished, the flush creeping up his neck. Why did his mind go there, of all places? He sipped his drink, even though that was probably the cause.

"That's vague," Seishiro said, dryly, and Subaru bit back an impatient sigh.

"He's just very easy to be with," he continued, then, forging bravely on, "he makes me laugh." Seishiro watched him, his lip still curling. "Especially when we spend time with his other friends." Subaru smiled affectionately as he remembered Sorata and Kamui bickering over video games and telling stories from high school to embarrass each other. They were so expressive and kinetic; it had been wonderful to watch.

"Like who?" Seishiro asked, his eyes narrowing ever so slightly, but Subaru continued.

"His friends Sorata and Arashi live together, so they had us over for dinner. That was where I was when you called me," he said, the flush moving to his face, and he swallowed. "Their friend Yuzuriha was there too."

"A dinner party?" Seishiro asked, raising an eyebrow, and Subaru looked away, feeling hurt as he remembered Sorata's delicious cream croquettes.

"Yes," he said, looking up again, trying to suppress his anger. "Would you rather I was out partying?" He asked, the tiniest hint of challenge in his voice.

"No," Seishiro replied, his tone suddenly cold, and Subaru felt a spasm of fear and looked down, clasping his hands tightly in his lap. Seishiro reached across the table and placed his first two fingers under Subaru's chin, lifting his gaze. Subaru swallowed, feeling another ripple of fear even though Seishiro was smiling. "You're so cute, Subaru."


Kamui had sold his entire stock, so he allowed himself a drink. He was sitting with a group of customers in their booth, but he couldn't remember exactly whose birthday it was or the name of the pretty young woman he currently had his arm around. 'Not like it matters anyway,' he reflected, sipping his drink and thinking smugly of his takings. He'd be out of here soon, back to Fuuma's apartment, hopefully hearing from Subaru…

A new song began abruptly and a thundering bass echoed through the room. The atmosphere around Kamui tautened sharply, and he looked around in alarm. "I GOT THIS FEELING ON A SUMMER-" the rest of the lyrics were drowned in excited screams as everyone in the booth jumped up, drunkenly grabbing onto each other. Kamui knew a true, visceral fear as he swallowed the rest of his drink and slipped out of the booth before anyone could notice. He hurried down the stairs onto the main floor, finally finding quiet relief in the coat check.

"Fuck, man," he said out loud, staring blankly ahead of him. Truly, nothing was scarier than a hoard of fucked up people dancing to the same obnoxious party song. He joined the line for the coat check, feeling the effects of his drink intensifying much faster than he'd expected. He checked his phone, no texts from Subaru. He let out a heavy sigh and collected his bag, extracting his jacket and headphones.

Appropriately suited up, he left the club, the cold night air seeming to shock him out of his work self, even though he'd been half-assing it all night. He stood under the red and purple lights, staring unseeingly at the crowds around him. "You okay?"

"Huh?" Kusanagi, the bouncer, was watching him. His expression was soft and kind, even as his arm muscles bulged threateningly.

"Yeah! Yeah I'm fine. Heading home." Kusanagi continued to stare, his expression suddenly sad.

"Take care of yourself, all right?" Kamui's eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he did appreciate the concern.

"Yeah, man, you too." Kusanagi brofisted Kamui again and he was on his way. He felt the familiar rush of adrenaline that accompanied finishing work, and he decided to walk at least part of the way to Fuuma's. He needed to blow off steam and sober up.


Dinner was over, and Subaru felt enormously relieved, then felt guilty for feeling that way. While Seishiro was distracted handing their server his credit card, Subaru looked at his phone under the table. He smiled at Kamui's messages, but then, "Text me if you need me" Subaru bit his lip, touched, a sudden burning in his throat. Missing Kamui was so painful, it was unnerving.

"Ready?" Seishiro asked. Subaru looked up, hurriedly putting his phone away before he could answer the text, and nodded. They collected their coats and emerged onto 79th Street. They both lit cigarettes, shivering in the cold, and headed back to the train.

"Thank you for dinner," Subaru said, quietly. Seishiro exhaled smoke and placed his hand on Subaru's lower back. Subaru moved closer, craving the small, affectionate gestures that had been so scarce lately. He stared at the ground ahead of him and he knew Seishiro was smirking.

They didn't speak the majority of the train ride home, though he wasn't entirely sorry about this. Every conversation was a guessing game about what would get him in trouble, and though the silence was cold and sad, it was safer. Subaru reflected that their silence used to be thick with meaning. While apart, all they'd do was talk, so when they'd reunite it was all passion, then spent silence. Now, though, he had no idea what Seishiro was thinking or what anything meant, and he had to fight with his mind to keep from spinning out into what-ifs. He longed for the past, when everything was clear, straightforward. It hadn't been easy, but it had made sense.

Subaru looked up at Seishiro, doing something on his phone, and for the first time felt totally disconnected. The bitter anger simmering constantly boiled shockingly in his chest, burning his throat. He had a sudden, intuitive understanding that Seishiro was totally unaware of his pain, though he couldn't tell if he was oblivious, or knew and just didn't care. Subaru blinked furiously. He'd make him care! He'd reconnect! Recapture what had made him run away with him in the first place. Seishiro put down his phone and turned to Subaru, smiling his impassive smile. "Seishiro, when we get home, let's…"


Kamui walked further and further downtown, feeling more irritated and anxious by the second. Everyone around him was walking slowly and it was freezing and he didn't mean to be this drunk and he still hadn't heard from Subaru. He'd expected fewer messages, but he hadn't expected how much it would freak him out. Although, it wasn't really surprising, given all the problems Subaru was having with his boyfriend. Even if he wasn't explicit about it, Kamui had seen him go from happy and talkative and involved to fearful and stiff and withdrawn just from a five minute phone call.

Of course, Kamui reminded himself, you never knew what happened behind closed doors, and he was in no place to comment on other people's relationships anyway. That being said, he thought so highly of Subaru, liked him so much, he hated to think of him unhappy. Kamui also reflected that Subaru's empathy and selflessness, while admirable and wonderful, would make him easy to take advantage of. Kamui's heart ached and he bit his lip, feeling something quite apart from his aggressive drunkenness, worry and apprehension. He didn't want this to happen to Subaru, or any bad thing to happen to Subaru. He wanted to protect him, keep him safe. The weird feeling gnawed in his chest and his breath quickened. What was going on?

He paid for his lapse in concentration when someone smashed into him as they walked in the opposite direction. "Watch where the fuck you're going!" Kamui shouted after them, venting his feelings.

"Fuck you!" The other person shouted back. Kamui responded with a rude hand gesture over his shoulder, then looked up, startled to find himself at Fuuma's apartment. How the hell had he gotten here? And when had it gotten this cold? He sighed heavily, feeling too preoccupied to be excited or hopeful about what was coming. He shook himself, trying to ignore the self-disgust in his stomach and gnawing in his chest as he pressed Fuuma's buzzer. The person for whom he'd had feelings for years was maybe showing signs of reciprocating, or at least changing things, and all he could think about was Subaru. His friend, for whom he cared deeply and was safely ensconced in his shitty relationship and probably wouldn't return his feelings anyway- the buzzer sounded and Kamui entered Fuuma's building, forcing himself to pay attention. He'd need his wits about him.

He took the elevator upstairs, checking his phone one last time. Still nothing, but he sent Subaru "Done working, everything's cool. Hope you're having a good night!" anyway before shoving his phone into his bag with his headphones. He emerged in Fuuma's kitchen to see him leaning against his counter, drink in hand, talking to a man with bleached hair wearing a long white coat. Fuuma smiled at Kamui, and he returned it after a second's hesitation.

"Come in," he said, imperiously, and Kamui approached. "Do you want a drink?"

"Yeah, actually," he replied at once. Maybe it'd help him relax, or at least ignore the grating worry inside him. "Thanks." The blonde man was eyeing Kamui with great interest, and it was annoying him. Fuuma poured a glass of whatever they were drinking, giving his companion a warning look as he did so. The man's eyes snapped back to Fuuma, and they exchanged a deeply unnerving smile. Kamui dropped his bag and coat onto the floor before accepting the drink, understanding from Fuuma's expression that he was to say nothing. He sipped his drink with a shudder and immediately felt heat rise in his face. He stood still, waiting for the conversation to end, to be alone with Fuuma.

"Kanoe's been bothering me with this for months," Fuuma said, dismissively.

"So you don't think it's true?" The man asked, raising his eyebrows.

"It's not my fucking problem if it is," Fuuma countered, threat creeping into his voice.

"Oh? You don't think she'd give up your name?" Fuuma leaned slightly forward, smiling almost affectionately.

"She knows better." Kamui's breath caught in his chest. He felt Fuuma's pull even as he tried to ignore everything. He didn't want to listen to this. He really didn't want to listen to this. He took another sip of his drink, longing for a text from Subaru to distract him. "She's probably just being paranoid," Fuuma continued. "You of all people know how she gets, Yuuto."

"Well, certainly," the man replied, swigging his drink with a satisfied smile that made Kamui's skin crawl. He kept drinking, though all it did was exacerbate his unease and tiredness.

"We'll see, either way," Fuuma added, though it was plain he could give a fuck less about what Kanoe thought of whatever was going on. Yuuto shrugged theatrically and drained his glass before standing up to shake Fuuma's hand across the counter. They walked over to the elevator and Yuuto gave Kamui one last, intrigued look. Kamui stared back challengingly as the doors closed, then sighed heavily and downed the rest of his drink. "Tch," Fuuma spat, contemptuously, and Kamui felt suddenly worried as he looked up, holding his empty glass tightly in both hands. His heart pounded, but Fuuma smiled his charismatic smile and took a step towards him. "Nothing for you to worry about," he said, and Kamui nodded, intending to forget everything the second he was out the door. "How'd everything go tonight?" Fuuma asked, taking another step forward.

"Fine," Kamui replied. "I sold everything you gave me in like, an hour and a half." Fuuma smiled appreciatively.

"Take next weekend off, then." Kamui nodded, setting his glass on the counter behind him before he dropped it; his hands were shaking so badly.

"You want to fuck?" Fuuma asked, finally, his lip curling. Kamui's breath caught in his chest and he swallowed, the flush in his face deepening.

"Y-yes," he said, softly, his mind slow from the alcohol. Fuuma grabbed the back of Kamui's head and pulled him into a deep, heavy kiss, exhaling forcefully and shoving his tongue into his mouth. He wrapped his other arm around Kamui's waist, drawing him right up against him. Kamui wrapped his arms around Fuuma's neck and melted into the embrace, head spinning, heart pounding, erection throbbing. They kissed that way for a long time, way longer than they usually would have done, and Kamui was loving it even as his body was screaming for more. Were his suspicions right? Did Fuuma want more and this is how he expressed it? Was this even what he, Kamui, wanted? Oh god… The questions spiraled dizzyingly in his head and he kissed Fuuma all the more intensely. Whatever else happened, now he just wanted to feel, not think, but then Fuuma pulled away.

Kamui gasped, his eyes shut tight, and Fuuma let out a low, satisfied moan. Kamui opened his eyes and had to stop himself from crying out in surprise. He shut his eyes tight and opened them again, breathing hard. "Are you okay?" Fuuma asked, staring at him. Kamui shook his head, trying to clear it. It must have been a trick of the light, or the alcohol, or, "Kamui."

"Yeah! Sorry, I, I just got dizzy for a second." Fuuma eyed him suspiciously. Yes, Fuuma, who the fuck else would he have been thinking about? Aside from the person he'd been worrying about all night? "I swear to god I'm cool," he said. Fuuma still looked unconvinced, but kissed him anyway. Kamui responded all the more enthusiastically, holding tight to Fuuma and pressing himself up against him, but Fuuma withdrew quickly this time.

"Go to my room," he breathed. Yes, that was right. That was Fuuma: powerful, seductive, composed. Kamui kept his eyes closed until he had turned away from Fuuma completely, just to be safe. He walked down the hallway to the bedroom, turned on, but nervous and unsure. He felt Fuuma take his hand and hold it, and at once the gnawing in his chest from earlier was back in full force, burning his throat, but he swallowed it. He had to stay focused, was he really this drunk?! Fuuma squeezed Kamui's hand and he turned in spite of himself, but then immediately spun back around, every muscle in his body in fearful spasm. Again, he'd seen green eyes, gently obscured by soft black hair, a quiet, excited smile and passion fighting to break through the polite, sad surface…

Fuuma stopped abruptly and pulled Kamui flush up against him. "What's wrong?" He breathed, softly, shoving his hands up his shirt. Kamui gasped, the touches making him remember he'd been turned on.

"N-nothing, seriously," he insisted. "I, ah!" Fuuma pressed his hand into Kamui's pants to stroke his erection. Kamui moaned, his chest heaving. 'I'm with Fuuma, my boss, my supplier! Fuuma! Fuuma!' He thought, desperately.

"Better?" Fuuma hissed in his ear before biting it. Kamui cried out and thrust his hips forward into Fuuma's touches.

"Better!" He managed in a choked groan. Fuuma laughed softly and let go.

"Get in bed, I've been thinking about my cock in your mouth all night." The words sent a shiver through Kamui's entire body and he hurried into Fuuma's bedroom.

'Yes, I'm with Fuuma just like I wanted!" Definitely. Besides, there was no way he would ever say something like that, unless- 'No!' he thought, furiously. 'I am not doing this.' Fuuma entered the room and reclined on his bed, looking up expectantly. Kamui licked his lips, locking eyes with Fuuma and feeling his pull.

"You're so fucking cute sometimes."


Subaru cried out as Seishiro pressed his hand down on the back of his neck, forcing him into the pillows. He'd gotten off already, though it was hardly satisfying, and now Seishiro was just fucking him until he came. Subaru should have been happy: he'd asked for this. Physical intimacy seemed to be the only way he could feel close to Seishiro.

That feeling of ill usage was clawing at the corners of his mind, but he ignored it, trying to stay focused, moaning and gasping for Seishiro's benefit as he sped up his thrusts. Seishiro dug the fingers of one hand into Subaru's hip, then pulled him roughly to his hands and knees by the hair with the other. He curled over him and bit down, hard, on the back of his shoulder, letting out a deep, guttural moan.

Subaru's eyes flew open and he cried out, not at his boyfriend's orgasm, but at a sudden, vivid memory of telling Kamui about the bruises on his back, of Kamui's curious eyes and teasing laughter. "Oh my god!" Seishiro had straightened up and pulled out suddenly, taking Subaru completely by surprise. He collapsed weakly onto his side, confused and embarrassed. Why was he thinking of that now? What was wrong with him? He pulled his knees up to his chest, watching Seishiro move about their room, throwing away the condom they'd used and retrieving his cigarettes. Any and all closeness was gone. When Seishiro finally left the room, Subaru picked up his cellphone.


Hours later, Kamui padded down the hall to Fuuma's kitchen. He felt thoroughly spent and satisfied, his mind blank for the first time all night. He knew tomorrow he'd feel empty, but he didn't have to think about it just yet. He filled a glass with water from the sink, drank it all in one gulp and refilled it. He then went to his bag to retrieve his cellphone. Finally a message from Subaru! Kamui bit his lip.

"Thank you for letting me know, I'd worry otherwise. I got home a little while ago, dinner was okay. Sorry I've been distant, I wasn't doing it on purpose. I'd like to see you soon, if that's okay. Wow this message is long! Anyway… good night" Kamui read and reread the message, imagining Subaru typing out all of it, blushing when he thought it was too much, biting his lip as he sent it. Kamui held his phone to his chest and closed his eyes, his heart aching. He swallowed the sudden burn in his throat and replied,

"I'm glad you had a good night :) Let's plan something tomorrow, sweet dreams!" He swallowed again as he sent the message.

"Fuck," he whispered, gripping his phone painfully hard as he held it to his chest.


Uh oh...

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