Chapter Eight: There is No Emotion
The door opened hours later.
Into the room walked Master Kreia, hands covered by her robes. She halted as Revan glared at her. "…You've awakened, I see."
"Go to hell," said Revan.
Kreia moved forward to begin removing the brace. "I take it by your attitude that you have been awake somewhat longer than was healthy. I would apologize for the restraints. When you fell a second time, we were concerned your neck was injured and had to restrain you for your safety. It should be safe to release them now.
"Ordinarily we would have had someone watching, but there were many other people on the verge of death. It seems you slipped through the cracks."
"Where is Malak? Is he dead?" asked Revan.
"No, however, he is in no position to go anywhere," said Kreia, sitting down. The neck brace came off. "It will be the entire trip before he is fit for any kind of work."
"What about Dak and Belaya?" asked Revan, suppressing his anger.
"Dak and Belaya are now fully recovered," said Kreia. "Their injuries were far less severe."
"Can they move?" asked Revan.
"They are fully functional and have been since late yesterday," said Kreia. "Dak was with Belaya the entire time."
"What about Meetra and Bastila?" asked Revan.
"Meetra has begun taking lessons from Kavar, and they seem to get on quite well," said Kreia. "Bastila, on the other hand, is feigning humility as her pride swells. She had an important part in today's battle, though no more important than your own."
"Where are they?" asked Revan, allowing some measure of his anger to shine through.
"And here we come to the point," said Kreia. "You want to know why none of them came to see you. However, I believe you should ask yourself instead of me. Why would every one of your 'friends' find something more important than visiting?
"It is a question worth considering. Especially if you ever hope to make any kind of mutually beneficial relationship."
"They're my friends!" snarled Revan.
"Are they?" asked Kreia. "Or did they merely remain around you when you are in a position of strength? What do all of them have in common?"
"I…" began Revan.
"Meetra met a Master who was willing to give her the attention Vrook did not," said Kreia. "Bastila is now being praised by everyone around her. All of them now have means of advancement and respect aside from you.
"Often, the powerful mistake subservience for friendship.
"I leave you to consider the matter." Then she stood to walk out. Revan pulled himself up. "You can't just leave."
"On the contrary, I am the chief medical officer at the moment," said Kreia. "I have many other matters to attend to than the wounded ego of a fully recovered human. You may speak to anyone you wish on the subject."
Revan fell silent, thinking over all that happened. "…I don't have anyone to speak to."
"How unfortunate," said Kreia. "Your personal belongings are in that box; please leave."
Revan did leave. He gathered the lightsaber he'd been working on and walked out, embittered and alone. Coming out, he ran into Dak who shifted. "Oh, Revan, you're up."
"Yes, I am," said Revan.
"Are you feeling alright?" asked Dak.
"As well as I can hope for," said Revan.
'Good." said Dak, uneasy in his presence. "Belaya is, well she's been getting better. I um, I'm going to go check the provisions." And he moved off.
No apology.
Nothing.
Revan stalked off toward his room. He considered working on the lightsaber, but he didn't care. He probably never would have managed to make it anyway. "None of them are really my friends. Probably not even Malak. Meetra wasn't.
"Am I really just a means to an end?" wondered Revan to himself. "Entertainment? Not even the Masters came to see me." He raised the recording he'd made before. Could he use it to get back at them somehow? Probably not, it would only cause some small measure of strife. He could wait for a better time, but it didn't matter. Nothing really did.
"What if I had died? Would anyone have even cared? Probably not, they made that clear. I helped them get stronger; I tried to organize them. I don't care about people; I can't care about them. I don't have emotions about them.
"But I want them to like me. I want… I want people to respect me.
"But no one does. It doesn't matter how hard I work to become stronger, I'll never be anything more than a washout. I'll never be given true responsibility they proved that much. And making people like me… I think we all know how that worked out."
He stood before his quarters for a long moment. "I'm done," said Revan.
Then he walked into the room and found his bunk. Drawing off the bed sheet, he pulled a chain beneath one of the heater pipes. Drawing up the sheet, he wrapped it around the pipe quickly and tied the lower part of it into a noose. Then he put it around his neck.
For a moment, he paused, wondering if it was worth it.
His instincts were telling him he didn't want to die. But Revan didn't particularly care anyway, and he was supposed to ignore his instincts. So he kicked away the chair. There was a wrenching, and then he fell and hit the floor hard. Pain surged through him, and he drew up snarling.
"Damn it." snapped Revan, standing up. He looked up and saw that the bedsheet had ripped. "God damn it! The damn thing ripped.
"IT DAMN WELL RIPPED!" Then he sighed and looked at his lightsaber blade. Drawing out his crystal, he felt utterly emotionless. "…Forget it. Forget it all.
"I'll finish this first."
Revan began to work at the lightsaber, fiddling with the crystal and working about it. Eventually, he finished his effort. Setting it up, he clicked it on. The lightsaber flared to life, a bright red blade, one that was somewhat unstable. Bringing it around, he touched the wall and saw it cut. Revan smiled and deactivated it.
Grabbing his tools, he made it out of the room. As he did, he ran into Bastila Shan head-on. She blinked. "Revan, there you are."
"…Yes, what is it?" asked Revan.
"I… heard about what happened to Malak," said Bastila. "I'm sorry, I tried to visit him, but he was still being healed. Are you alright?"
"No," said Revan, wondering if he should say so. "Listen, I'm sorry I provoked you into anger during our match. I should have just given the crystal back to you."
"I… well I accept your apology I suppose," said Bastila, looking away. "I suppose there wouldn't be an opportunity for it to happen again, anyway, though."
"No. There won't," said Revan. "I'm sure you'll make a fine Jedi Knight someday." Then he walked past. As he did, he felt Bastila's mind, and she sensed something. So Revan increased his pace.
"Revan, Revan wait!" said Bastila, putting a hand on his shoulder.
Revan pulled away and drew out his lightsaber. Turning the beam around, he put it near his chest. Before he could drive it down, Bastila caught it. "Revan stop! You can't do this! You don't deserve to die!"
Revan scoffed, feeling nothing. "Desserts has nothing to do with it. Why should I stick around? Everyone has made it perfectly clear they don't want me."
"Revan, listen to me if you kill yourself, how do you think Malak will feel?" asked Bastila.
Revan felt nothing. There was no emotion. "Based on the reactions of my other so-called friends, absolutely nothing."
"You know that isn't true, Revan," said Bastila. "They, they do care about you. They were just stressed and injured and distracted. You can't just throw your life away-"
"Oh, shut up!" snapped Revan. "You're only trying to stop me so you can feel important. So you can have everyone praise you for being incorruptible and pure! That's why you're so obsessed with pleasing the Masters! You'll talk me down and put me on suicide watch and cry crocodile tears, all so you can look like the wonderful Chosen One!"
"I won't tell anyone, Revan," said Bastila. "Please, don't do this. If you kill yourself, I'll never forgive myself. Dak and Belaya will never forgive themselves. And Malak… he'll never see you again. He'll have to spend the rest of his life dealing with it. Knowing that his best friend committed suicide while he lay in the med bay.
"What will that do to them? Please, just let it go."
Revan considered that he had no attachment to life. But at the same time, he had no real desire for death either. With a sigh, he drew back the lightsaber. "…Fine.
"Not a word of this goes to the Masters."
"Y-yes, fine," said Bastila. "As long as you don't try anything I won't tell them."
"Good," said Revan. "It seems I'll see my homeworld again at last."
Bastila shifted nervously. "You must be looking forward to it."
"Not at all," said Revan. Then he sensed something. Turning around, he saw Master Kavar hurrying around the corner. "There you are. I sensed something amiss in this part of the ship. Is everything alright here?"
"Yes, Master Kavar," said Bastila. "Everything is fine."
"Well then, would you care to accompany me to the bridge?" asked Kavar. "We're approaching the rendezvous point, and you might want to see this. It's the least I could do after sending you into that mess. In fact, I think you might be of some help."
Revan remained silent, wondering if he was supposed to be thankful. He supposed that Kavar might have thought he'd be unconscious for longer. On some level, he knew that many people were wounded. So he smiled and said. "I'd appreciate that."
So they went to the bridge, making their way through twisted halls. Emergency lights were on wherever they went. Several times they had to go around hallways because holes had been punched in the hull.
When they reached the bridge, they found Meetra at the door. She flinched as he came toward them. "Revan, I didn't know you were awake," said Meetra. "I'm sorry I just um, well, Master Kavar was showing me some new techniques and I forgot. I'm so sorry, I just…"
"Forget it," said Revan flatly.
"I mean it," said Meetra.
Revan said nothing for a moment. "Where are Dak and Belaya?"
"Belaya is still recovering," said Kavara. "Dak is with her."
The door opened they entered. Within, Master Vrook was speaking with an ensign. He looked up and narrowed his eyes. "Master Kavar, I see you've brought two apprentices onto my bridge."
Two apprentices? What about Bastila?
"I decided to give them a chance to see things up here, in payment for their earlier heroics," said Vadar.
"They may stay, but only so long as they do not interfere with the running of my bridge," said Vrook. "Enough have died in this stupidity already."
"Master Vrook, we're receiving communication." said an ensign. "It's the Republic escort."
"Jedi vessel, this is Captain Saul Karath of the Republic Fleet." said a voice. "We're here as your escort. From the looks of things you could have used our help earlier."
"That much of correct, Captain," said Vrook, going to the com. "One of our vessels was destroyed in the engagement. The other was seized by Mandalorian pirates. Master Kavar was there."
"Pirates they may have been, but I suspect they were here on a mission from a greater power," said Kavar, coming forward. "Otherwise there would be easier targets than those in Republic Space. The good news is that we should have an idea of where they were going.
"The truth is that I could have held on to the ship and fought the pirates off. But I decided it would be more useful to us in enemy hands."
"What do you mean?" asked Karath.
"During the fighting, I placed a tracker on the vessel," said Kavar. "With any luck, the Mandalorians will bring it to whoever orchestrated this attack. Once we know who we are facing, we can make plans to deal with them."
"And what of those who might starve to death without the food that vessel was carrying, Kavar?" asked Vrook, voice disapproving.
"It is unfortunate," said Kavar with a smile. "But, if all goes as I expect, we'll reclaim the contents of that ship shortly."
Revan was actually interested to hear more. He was glad he hadn't killed himself. Now how to sabotage Meetra's relationship with Vrook? All he had to do was undermine the foundations a bit, and the recording could work. It could be fun.
Author's Note:
So yeah, Kreia is a huge jerk.
In defense of the Jedi Masters, they have a lot of stuff to deal with at the moment. Vrook is commanding the vessel, Kreia is handling a lot of wounded, and Kavar just got finished with a battle.
Dak is the one whose absence was least forgivable, but he is still a child and is concerned about Belaya.
