Happy Thursday!

How are you all doing, good? i hope so! I'm glad to finally post this chapter, editing it gave me so much trouble for some reason. Apparently I'd forgotten how to structure sentences and paragraphs...? Whatever, I'm happy with it now so I hope you guys are too!

ALSO it has come to my attention that the formatting of this story (as well as my one-shot, Blessed Is This Union) can get screwed up depending on the browser you're using. Text messages are always in bold and dreams and thoughts are in italics. I hope this wasn't causing tons of confusion! I think it may just be a chrome issue but I'm not sure. Either way, setting the record straight.

Anyway, here's chapter 8!


"Fuck," Kamui said softly, looking up at Fuuma's building, trying to get his wits about him. It was weird enough leaving his apartment the morning after spending the night without… Kamui sighed heavily and started his walk home, feeling confused and troubled rather than empty.

Even if he tried to block it out, deny it or blame it on the substances he'd consumed, the fact remained inescapable: he'd been hooking up with Fuuma, but he'd seen Subaru, clear as day. 'Chill the fuck out, it doesn't necessarily mean what you think it means,' Kamui told himself, sharply, as prickles of shame crawled across his entire body like scurrying insects. He didn't have those kinds of feelings for Subaru, they were just friends! Close friends who'd gotten close extremely quickly, sure, but still, that was it! Kamui got stuck at a red light and closed his eyes, the same cold breeze from last night skinning his face.

He knew only too well Fuuma's ability to look like someone else, to be whoever you needed him to be. He'd been thinking about Subaru all night because he hadn't heard from him, it could easily just be his mind reassuring him everything was okay. Yes, that could totally be it! He knew he wanted to protect Subaru, after all. He just cared for him deeply and hated to think of him unhappy. Besides, even if Kamui did have feelings for Subaru, he had a boyfriend. A boyfriend who treated him badly, but a boyfriend none-the-less, and Kamui wouldn't be that guy. He'd at least wait until they split up before trying shit. Not that he would try shit!

'This sucks,' he thought, bitterly as he opened his eyes and crossed the street. Everything was completely up in the air all of a sudden. It had started last night, when Fuuma had asked him to come back to his place, given the faintest hint he might have more feelings than he was letting on. Kamui felt sick and pathetic to think that all it had taken was one, drawn out kiss to unlock his body and heart that way. He'd always wondered if Fuuma really did care for him or if he was just using him. Fuuma had called him his protégé, had showered him with praise and attention, and Kamui had done whatever he'd asked without thinking twice. He'd always thought he was basically in love with Fuuma, but was that love? Blind devotion? He supposed it was as close as he could get with someone like Fuuma, who he'd always have to keep at arm's length. It had sucked, yeah, but it was what it was. If he'd been with a normal person he would have asked for more, because he'd always known he needed more.

Kamui suddenly realized he was on 1st Avenue, though he had no idea how he'd gotten there. He entered his building and was finally back up in his apartment, warm and safe. He dropped his coat and bag onto the floor and fell face first into his couch, his headphones still on. He needed to shower and change, he felt all kinds of grimy, but his body was just too heavy. His mind remained on Fuuma, who he could still smell on his clothes and in his hair. At least he'd managed to keep Subaru out of his mind while he and Fuuma were doing everything else last night. A dull flush crept into his face as he remembered pleasing Fuuma and getting so turned on doing it: Fuuma's hand on the back of his head, fingers entwined with his hair, deep satisfied breathing… Until he'd flipped Kamui onto his back and fucked him senseless.

Kamui exhaled slowly through his nose, rolling over onto his side and pulling his knees into his chest. It was always like that between them, hard and fast and intense. He'd be lying if he said he didn't love it; feeling totally absorbed in the moment, oblivious to all but Fuuma's hands, mouth and erection. He loved the afterglow, feeling utterly spent as he lay next to Fuuma, unable to move or speak, the fire inside him slowly burning itself out. Until, of course, he'd read that message from Subaru, which had brought him sharply back to Earth and thrown him entirely off balance.

He'd returned to Fuuma's bed with his mind full of Subaru. Fuuma had spooned him, lips on the back of his neck, arm curled around him. Kamui had tried to fight it, but he couldn't help but recall sleeping beside Subaru, wearing his t-shirt and hearing him breathe. They'd slept far apart and back-to-back, not unlike how he and Kotori had done as children, but there had been more intimacy, closeness and affection there than in anything he and Fuuma had done last night.

Kamui uncurled himself from his tight ball and rolled over onto his back, staring up at the cracks in his ceiling. Maybe that was it? He just wasn't getting the emotional intimacy he wanted from Fuuma, so he was thinking about the person with whom he shared the most? But then, he argued with himself, Fuuma always had a way of appearing to know more than Kamui ever wanted him to see. Fuuma had known exactly how to get him to come out to that club that night all those years ago, to begin working for him, to let him into his bed, and he'd let it all happen, seemingly unable to stop it. What was that, if not emotional intimacy?

Of course, everything had been completely different with Subaru. They'd stumbled into each other when Subaru was vulnerable, and then a second time when Kamui was vulnerable. It had all happened so fast; they'd skipped so many steps, but they let each other in anyway. Kamui felt his phone go off and jumped, his heart racing. He extracted it from his pocket, going deeply red and hating himself for it. "Hey… let's plan!" Kamui stared at Subaru's message for a few seconds before his hand fell limply to his chest.

'I'm just missing him, this wouldn't be happening at all if we'd been talking like before!' He told himself furiously. He responded the second he was able. "Yes please :) When are you free?" Again Kamui let his hand fall to his chest, wondering for the first time how Subaru felt about all this, about their- for want of a better term, relationship, about him. Obviously Subaru liked spending time with him, but was that all?

"Literally anytime. I need to get out of the house" Kamui stared at the message with a furrowed brow. Did he mean to sound that bitter? Had something happened? Had he and his boyfriend had another fight? Then, in an act of unjust cruelty, Kamui's mind wondered if maybe Subaru was just using him as an escape, as a means of not thinking about what was going on with his boyfriend, or worse, as a means of getting back at him. But no, Subaru wasn't like that, at least not on purpose.

"Is everything okay?" Kamui asked him. That had been a terrible thing to think, what the fuck? Kamui watched the chat bubbles appear, disappear and appear again, his heart beating uncomfortably against his ribs. Finally, the response came.

"Yes of course! I'd just like to see you" Kamui closed his eyes and took a deep breath before responding.

"I want to see you too. Honestly we could meet up tonight if you want" He knew he was being reckless, but he also thought that maybe if he just saw Subaru, if they were together in person, things would clear up. Although, he wasn't even sure he'd be able to look Subaru in the face after- after what? He'd only imagined him for a second, it wasn't like he'd thought of them kissing, or touching, or…

"Can we? Please?" …Subaru holding him tight, lips on his neck, chest hot against his back.

"Sure! Come over later and we can go from there" Kamui's face was burning.

"I can be over there this evening, like 5? I think I remember how to get to your place but I may get lost :P"

"Sweet! See you later :D" Kamui sat up, running his fingers through his hair and hoping he hadn't just made a huge mistake. Whatever other feelings he may or may not have for Subaru, he wouldn't risk their friendship for anything. If that meant ignoring and suppressing feelings, then that was what the fuck it meant. Subaru was too unusual, too amazing, too special, to let go over some hurt feelings, even if the hurt was deep.


"Who are you texting?"

"What? Sorry." Subaru tucked his headphones behind his ears and looked up at Seishiro.

"Who are you texting?" He repeated, an edge to his voice.

"Kamui," Subaru replied. He flushed, but he managed to maintain eye contact with Seishiro, feeling more annoyed than intimidated.

Subaru had woken up that morning to find the apartment empty, and he'd received nothing in return when he'd texted Seishiro to ask where he was. When he eventually did come back in the early afternoon, he brought in a thick tension that had saturated the entire apartment. Subaru had thought of asking what was wrong, but resisted, feeling too tired. Last night had been such a performance or hiding feelings and faking others that he felt totally depleted. It was like all of the passion and fire from their first hour or so together had completely burned out, leaving him charred, dry and hollow. Subaru might have found it scary if he wasn't feeling so detached, cocooned in his new anger.

Rather than agonize and worry, he'd sat with his headphones on, listening to music, texting Kamui and responding to work e-mails, aware of Seishiro but not speaking to him. There was definitely something empowering in this detachment, in not picking and prying. If anything, it meant that they weren't arguing about whether or not something was wrong, which, rather than identifying the problem so they could take steps to solve it, just made Subaru feel crazy. He was sick of feeling that way, of doubting himself. If there really was something the matter, Subaru reasoned, Seishiro would come to him. Subaru was tired of doing all the work, of accidentally starting pointless arguments.

"Making plans?" Seishiro asked, the edge in his voice sharpening.

"Yes," Subaru replied, wearily. Seishiro said nothing, and Subaru was about to put his headphones back on, when-

"Take those off," Seishiro said, his voice lowering still further. Subaru paused his music and placed his headphones on the couch next to him, suddenly fearful even through his detachment. Seishiro cast the headphones a cold look before staring at Subaru hard in the face. Subaru stared back, waiting. "When are you going out?" Seishiro asked, finally. Subaru sighed.

"Soon, probably around 4:30 or so."

"Where are you going?"

"I'm not sure, I think we'll probably just hang out at his apartment like we did last time." They stared at each other, Seishiro's expression impassive.

"Okay," he said, and though it might have sounded like it was no big deal, Subaru was too familiar with the threat under the words not to be afraid. However, he wouldn't engage. He was too tired. He'd conserve his energy for whatever was coming later, be it a fight or an actual conversation. Seishiro turned and walked back down the hall, saying nothing else. Subaru returned his headphones to his ears, feeling a sudden, strange sense of loss. The disconnect between them was growing, and Subaru had no idea what to do. He felt himself disengaging as he turned up his music, counting down the seconds until he could go see Kamui.


Finally, Subaru kissed Seishiro goodbye and was out the door. He felt Seishiro's eyes following him and got a sudden nervous chill, but he ignored it and texted Kamui to let him know he was on his way. "Yay!" Came the response at once, and Subaru smiled, sucking on his cigarette as he walked to the train. He knew he'd be in for it later with Seishiro, but all he could think of was seeing Kamui. Their time together was so restorative; he'd be able to deal with the fall out. He took the R train to 8th Street and smoked another cigarette as he walked to 1st Avenue. He felt his phone go off and picked it up, thinking it'd be Kamui, but,

"Have fun tonight" Seishiro. Subaru stopped dead in his tracks, fear, anger and disgust churning his insides. He wasn't sure whether it'd be more dangerous to ignore or respond. He didn't want to antagonize or instigate and he didn't want his time with Kamui to be tainted by a weird, fearful mood. At last he replied with,

"Thank you, I'll see you later" and defiantly decided he'd ignore any subsequent texts. He finished his cigarette and pressed Kamui's buzzer. Immediately he was let upstairs and he cursed himself for smoking so much as he climbed, though he reflected bitterly that it would be easier to resist his habit if his life were less stressful. He knocked on Kamui's door, catching his breath and shoving his phone and headphones into his bag. Locks clicked and scraped and the door opened, revealing Kamui in slim fitting jeans and another band t-shirt. His face lit up, and just like last time Subaru felt all the tension drain out of his body as he smiled back. They held each other's gaze for a second, laughing a little awkwardly before hugging each other hello.

Kamui's breath caught in his throat as he guiltily repressed memories of the night before. He held onto Subaru, inhaling smoke and soap and skin. "You're so cold, holy fuck," he said, softly, and Subaru laughed, hugging him more tightly. They broke apart, somewhat reluctantly. "Come in!" Subaru followed him inside, shutting the door behind him and feeling almost light-headed at his relief to be here.

"I'm so glad to see you," Subaru said, very suddenly, without meaning to, going slightly pink. Kamui turned to him, expression intense and beautiful as ever.

"Likewise," he replied. They exchanged another smile, and Kamui's heart pounded in his chest. He loved Subaru's smile, how his eyes would shine, bright green and framed by thick black lashes- 'Stop, you're just happy to see him, chill!' He told himself, taking Subaru's coat and carefully placing it on the back of the couch. He sat down and patted the space next to him before pulling his laptop towards him. Subaru sat down too, listening to the new song that began to play. "How's things? It's been forever," Kamui asked, sitting up straight and crossing his legs.

"I know, I'm sorry!" Subaru exclaimed, regretfully, placing a hand on his chest, and Kamui laughed. Subaru sighed softly, his heart swelling, loving Kamui's myriad facial expressions, his energy. "Things are fine, I mean, you already know Seishiro's back, so." He stopped speaking and shifted in his seat. He didn't want to talk about Seishiro, not yet, anyway. He was feeling safely apart from the whole situation and he wanted to preserve it for a little while longer. "How was work last night?" He asked, looking back at Kamui. Something shifted in his expression, and Subaru could tell he understood, even if he didn't say so out loud. He was so perceptive…

"Work was," Kamui began, though truthfully he didn't know what to say. He kept his eyes on Subaru. "It was ridiculously easy," he began, with a brave attempt at his old, flippant tone, but then added, "Draining, though."

"Why's that?" Subaru asked, eyes widening in that characteristic concern that made Kamui's heart ache. He swallowed.

'It was hard for me to focus because I was thinking about you all night and Fuuma was being weird?' He thought, though out loud he said, "Clubs like that suck." Which was perfectly true. "The people there are," he rolled his eyes. "They aren't bad people, just-"

"Not the type of people you want to spend time around?" Subaru offered, and Kamui nodded, glumly.

"Feeling out of place like that is just really tiring, you know?" Subaru nodded, understanding completely. He suddenly remembered how Kamui sold at these clubs, and wondered if that was part of his exhaustion. Subaru felt a weird gnawing in his chest; he didn't like thinking about Kamui kissing all those people. "I mean, I'm usually pretty okay," Kamui said, breaking Subaru out of his thoughts. "Last night was just…"

"Hard?" Subaru offered, a little sadly. Kamui nodded, his insides squirming uncomfortably at how true that was.

"I guess that's the word," he sighed resignedly.

"I'm sorry," Subaru said. Although they both knew how much he meant it, Kamui just shrugged; he didn't want to say anything else.

"It's whatever. How was your boyfriend's birthday?" He asked, smiling bravely.

"Also hard," Subaru said, without meaning to. He swallowed and crossed his arms protectively in front of his chest, feeling embarrassed. Kamui watched him, but he also just sighed, shrugged and smiled. Kamui's heart beat painfully, but he decided not to push.

"Um, did you work at all last week?" He asked, shifting his position on the couch.

"No, I didn't work at all," Subaru replied, and though he appreciated Kamui's effort with the subject change, it was hard to keep the resentment out of his voice. "But, remember my client I told you about last time I saw you?"

"The one who broke up with her scumbag ex? Yeah, I remember." Subaru laughed appreciatively.

"Yes, I'm seeing her on Wednesday." Kamui smiled eagerly.

"What for? More protection spells?"

"To be honest I'm not sure, but she asked for my help, so…" Kamui's smile widened.

"So even if it's something menial you'll do it?" Subaru nodded.

"Of course, she was in a terrible state last time I saw her." He surprised himself at how defensive he sounded.

"I think that's awesome," Kamui said, very firmly. He didn't think there was any need for Subaru to justify himself.

"Really?" Subaru asked, hating how much he wanted the validation. Kamui reached out and took his hand without realizing what he was doing. Subaru felt his chest constrict as he stared back at Kamui, his expression full of meaning.

"Really!" Kamui assured him, feeling Subaru's hand, warm and smooth, in his own. He knew it was a dangerous impulse, but he didn't want to withdraw from Subaru or act like his feelings had changed. Not that they had! He wouldn't mess up their friendship for anything, even-

"I know how isolated she was feeling," Subaru said, jerking Kamui out of his mental spiral. "So even if she doesn't need me as an onmyoji," he continued, giving Kamui's hand a squeeze, "I'll be there as someone who cares." He knew he sounded angry, but as he remembered Seishiro's contempt, his judgment, he didn't care. He'd wanted to continue feeling disengaged and focus on Kamui, but his throat burned as the bitterness bubbled inside him.

"Subaru?" Came Kamui's voice from far away.

"Sorry, I'm all over the place today," he replied, letting go of Kamui's hand and running his fingers through his hair. Kamui curled his own fingers into his palm; he could still feel the heat from Subaru's touch.

"Are you-" he began, but broke off. He found Subaru's agitation deeply unsettling, and it was difficult not to pry, though he had no idea what he wanted to say. He'd been intending to ask "are you okay?" but that made him feel like a total punk.

"Am I what?" Subaru asked, cautiously, worried he'd let on too much. His heart beat as he watched Kamui, waiting.

"Nothing, just, did something happen last week?" Kamui asked, with the feeling of placing his foot on a ledge.

"No! I mean," Subaru went very red, feeling terrible for how their happiness at being reunited had become all weird and sad, exactly as he feared it would. He felt a sudden flash of anger at Seishiro for making him feel this way, and he said, purely to be spiteful, "Seishiro doesn't think I should go see this client." Kamui narrowed his eyes.

"Why the fuck not?" He asked, genuinely curious, but Subaru laughed rather coldly. Kamui felt unnerved by Subaru's bitterness. "No, seriously…"

"I have no idea," Subaru said, "but it's always like this." He felt his throat constrict, as if his body were trying to keep the traitorous information inside him. Subaru bit his lip, the words rising inside him as they'd done on the train platform after seeing Sorata, Arashi and Yuzuriha, egged on by Kamui's supportive, reassuring presence. "This week has been awful," he said, in a rush, physically feeling the words leave his body. He looked at Kamui, his eyes full of concern, and it was like a dam had burst in his chest.

Before he knew it, he was telling Kamui everything: how he and Seishiro were arguing constantly, how he couldn't seem to do anything right, how he felt so used and alone. Subaru had never said any of this out loud before, and even as it felt like a betrayal and he hated himself for it, it did make him feel better. Shame lapped at his insides, and he found he couldn't look at Kamui as he said any of this, but his soft encouragement and understanding words helped him keep going. "I wanted last night to be special," Subaru said, his voice tight and the corners of his eyes burning. That was too much for Kamui. He moved closer to Subaru and hugged him. He stiffened in surprise, but then relaxed quickly, letting Kamui help him carry the weight and emotions.

"I don't blame you for feeling frustrated," Kamui breathed, right in his ear, and the validation seemed to dislodge more bitter feelings. Subaru wrapped his arms around Kamui, trying to keep it together, but it was all so much. Kamui was giving him the understanding, support and affection he hadn't even realized he'd been missing. Without thinking, he held Kamui closer, smelling his hair and feeling his muscles move under the fabric of his shirt. He couldn't remember when he'd last felt this connected and cared for, and it was Kamui who made him feel this way. It hadn't been Seishiro, the man who said he loved him, for a long time.

Kamui was breathing deeply, forcing himself to stay focused. Subaru was unhappy, and he felt his pain as if it were his own. He hated this. He hated that there was nothing he could do, because he wasn't stupid enough to tell Subaru to leave his boyfriend. You never tell people to split up with their significant others, even if it's your greatest wish. "I'm so sorry," Subaru said quietly, his voice still constricted. Kamui withdrew so he could look him in the face, hands still on his shoulders, the space between them pulsing with emotion.

"What for?" He asked, smiling kindly. Subaru bit his lip, passion simmering just below the polite sadness in his expression, eyes shining… 'Don't even think about it,' Kamui's brain screamed at him. 'Listen to what he's saying, don't be fucking gross!' "You know you can tell me anything." Subaru smiled and Kamui finally took his hands away.

"I hardly contacted you all week and when we finally see each other I get like this, it's-"

"I swear to god it's fine," Kamui reassured him. Subaru still felt awful, even though Kamui was so easy to be with, so compassionate, so non-judgmental. "Look," Kamui said, his tone deepening, feeling like he was placing his other foot on the ledge. "It's not your fault your boyfriend wants to pick fights with you for no reason." He could practically see the words fighting to get into Subaru's mind, to make an impression, and that hurt in a way he was totally unprepared for. Did Subaru really blame himself for this? It sounded to Kamui like Subaru's boyfriend was on a perpetual power trip, and he reflected, rather uncomfortably, that after his last two years with Fuuma, he knew what that looked like. He stood up very suddenly, self-disgust and sympathy churning his insides. "Get your coat and come with me."

"What?" Kamui held out his hand. Subaru took it, and he pulled him to his feet.

"I want to show you something." The space between them was still thick and heavy, but Kamui's tone was suddenly commanding.

"O-okay," Subaru replied, confused. Kamui smiled and let go of his hand, reaching for his keys and putting on his hoodie. Subaru pulled on his coat and followed Kamui back out of the apartment and across the hall. They stopped in front of a grimy looking door, which Kamui opened, revealing an even grimier set of stairs. Subaru hesitated. "Um, where are we going?" He asked, still totally confused.

"You'll see," Kamui told him, smiling and taking his hand again. He pulled Subaru up the stairs, only to end up at another door, which he unbolted, then opened with a loud creak. He squeezed Subaru's hand and they emerged onto the roof of the building.

It was cold up here, and the wind was still aggressive, but Subaru let out a soft, "Oh!" and let go of Kamui's hand to walk to the very edge. He pulled his coat more tightly around him, staring out over the rooftops. Everything was calm and quiet, hiding the chaos and crowds below. It was almost like being at sea; the Williamsburg Bridge, huge and glittering in the distance, looked like a ship coming into port. It may not have seemed like much, but the change of scene was such a welcome distraction, and Kamui had given it to him, and-

"The closest we get to stars," Kamui said, very quietly, standing next to Subaru, arms wrapped around himself. Subaru felt the words, warm and loving, right in his heart.

"I still have that picture you sent me," he replied, moving closer. The information made Kamui feel happier than he ever would have expected and he blushed deeply. "This is perfect, though," Subaru continued, and Kamui's heart swelled. They stayed that way for a long time, side by side, gently touching, loving silence. Subaru felt his mind finally begin to relax and empty, so happy to be with Kamui. "I promise I won't neglect you next week," he said, and Kamui let out a light laugh, leaning his head against Subaru's shoulder.

"I'll hold you to that." Subaru rubbed the side of his face in Kamui's hair, inhaling his shampoo and cold night air. Kamui closed his eyes at the gesture, gasping softly. God this felt good, but… "Um, do you want to order dinner?" He asked, moving away and shivering slightly. Subaru also let out a soft gasp, the parts of his body that had been in contact with Kamui still felt warm.

"Oh, um, yeah sure!" He said, hoping he didn't sound as awkward as he felt. He swallowed, feeling his face go red. Was he really this starved for affection? He followed Kamui back inside, down the stairs and into his apartment. Subaru watched him shrug off his hoodie, then stretch his arms above his head. His shirt was pulled up, revealing smooth skin and the deep curve in his lower back. Subaru bit his lip, his blush deepening.

The rest of the night passed in a blur of relaxed conversation, soft music and affectionate touches. Kamui could feel his mind screaming at him to be easy, to relax, but his body and his heart were longing for more. He wondered how Subaru was feeling, if he was holding his hand, brushing up against him and leaning his head on his shoulder as much as he realized. Kamui tried not to think about it, to just be present.

Subaru hoped he wasn't bothering Kamui or freaking him out, but he hadn't realized how much he'd been craving this kind of attention. He'd missed being touched this way, where it all carried so much affection and tenderness, even though they were just friends! Subaru reflected sadly that he couldn't remember the last time Seishiro's touch had made him feel that way. Now it just made him all the more aware of what was missing.

"I should probably head home," he said, finally, apprehensive and regretful. It was nearly midnight. Kamui let out a sad, sympathetic moan. "I wish I could just stay over," Subaru continued, very quietly. Kamui's eyes widened and he felt his heart speed up. Did he mean…? "I don't want to go home," Subaru said, so quietly that Kamui almost missed it. He reached out and rubbed circles on Subaru's back. He could feel his breath expand and contract the skin separated from his fingers by millimeters of soft fabric.

"It'll be okay," Kamui said. The words burned his throat. "You know I'm always here if you need me."

"Thank you," Subaru replied. With a heavy sigh, he got to his feet. Kamui stood up as well, watching Subaru gather his things, sadness gnawing in his chest. He walked him to the door and they paused, looking at each other uncertainly.

"Text me when you get home," Kamui said, quietly.

"I will." Subaru didn't want to leave the safety of Kamui's apartment. He had no idea what he'd find when he got home, but he knew it wouldn't be this. Fear and sadness pumped through his body with each heartbeat. He reached for Kamui and hugged him tightly. Kamui's entire body seemed to light up, even as the gnawing in his chest was painful.

"Let's hang out a lot this week," Kamui said, right into Subaru's neck. He inhaled soap and smoke and skin one last time.

"Mmhmm," Subaru breathed, his eyes closed. Finally, they broke apart, the space between them aching, longing.

"Take care, okay?" Kamui said, and Subaru nodded.

"You too." They exchanged one last embrace, and Subaru was gone. The door creaked slowly closed. Kamui stepped forward to push it shut and bolt it before letting out a deep, resigned sigh. He stared at the closed door as if paralyzed; the only part of him moving was his throbbing heart.

Who the fuck was he kidding?

He didn't just want to protect Subaru, or be there for him as a friend, or whatever else he'd told himself before. He wanted Subaru, mind, soul and- he swallowed, body. He liked Subaru, and he liked him a lot. Kamui supposed he shouldn't be surprised: he'd wanted to see Subaru to clear up all these new feelings, and he'd gotten his answer. The answer was just the one that would cause them both the most pain. Fucking typical. He turned and walked back to his bedroom, shutting off lights as he went. He threw himself into bed, fully clothed, feeling utterly lost and alone.

He hated this. He swore he wouldn't act on his feelings, at least not yet, but he knew the more time he spent with Subaru the harder this would be. Kamui had always known how amazing Subaru was as well as how good-looking he was, but somehow the two pieces had never come together. Now, though, Kamui felt everything for him, and could actually admit it to himself. That was something at least. He wouldn't tell his friends anything, of course, because he couldn't stand to see the smug satisfaction on their faces.

Kamui rolled onto his belly, his face in his pillows, and wondered again how Subaru felt about all of this. Did he know? Was that why he was being so physical all night? No no, he was just looking for comfort because he and his boyfriend were so distant and were heading faster and faster towards splitting up… 'Stop,' he told himself, furiously. Self-disgust bubbled inside him. How selfish was it to wish for such a thing? He knew Subaru was trying to make everything work, to keep them together, even as he had tried to contain his anger and sadness, had held Kamui close to him, had said he wanted to stay over…

Kamui's stomach clenched as he remembered embracing Subaru, squeezing his hand, breathing him in… "Ah!" Kamui gasped, then let out a soft, shaky exhale. The vivid, visceral memories made him go furiously red, and- Kamui shifted his hips awkwardly, trying to accommodate his growing erection. He supposed this was to be expected, but oh god just why?! Kamui rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, mouth open and breath shallow. It was like all of the feelings he'd been fighting all night were now free to take him over.

He closed his eyes, and immediately saw everything from the night before: Subaru in front of him, passion simmering in his eyes, smiling lips parted seductively. Kamui opened his eyes at once, staring at the ceiling, but he felt the vision in his body now. He imagined kissing Subaru, slowly, hesitantly, feeling his lips on his own, warm and soft, hands up under his shirt, moving down his chest… Kamui groaned. He shouldn't, even if he did feel that way about Subaru, it seemed fucked up, unclean somehow, but oh god he was so hard. He could feel Subaru's lips move to his neck, kissing him tenderly, finding all his sensitive spots with his lips and tongue. He could smell him, smoke and soap and skin, and could hear him whisper, "Is this okay?" right in his ear as he drew his hand down.

"Yes!" Kamui moaned out loud, thrusting his hips up into his own hand. He kept his eyes shut tight, imagining it was Subaru's long slender fingers wrapped around his erection, pleasing him in delicate, though insistent, strokes. Kamui moaned softly again, a deep blush in his face as he saw Subaru, clearly in his mind, a furtive and excited smile on his face at the effect he was causing.

"Does this feel good?"

"Yes!" Again, Kamui cried out the word, feeling Subaru bring his lips back to his neck, then his ears, kissing and sucking harder. Kamui's breath was shallow and his thighs were shaking. Waves of pleasure radiated out from between his legs and pressure continued to build. "I'm gonna come!" He moaned, imagining the look on Subaru's face: excited and lustful even through his deep blush. Kamui kept his eyes shut tight and yanked up his t-shirt with his free hand, his entire body seizing up. "Subaru!" He cried out, gasping softly as he came all over his hand and his belly. He shivered and twitched as he continued stroking himself, thrusting his hips up into his hand, drawing out the friction and pleasure as long as he could.

At last, he let go and opened his eyes, staring down between his legs and feeling satisfied, but… He reached for tissues from the box on his bedside table, cleaning himself up and still breathing hard. He supposed he shouldn't feel guilty, necessarily, it was just jerking off. Wasn't it better to get his feelings out this way than to act on them out of sheer frustration? He got out of bed to throw the tissues away, his heart hurting him even through his haze of satisfaction. What was hurting, he realized, as he went into the living room to retrieve his phone, was that everything he was feeling could go totally unreciprocated.

Fear crawled sickeningly through his body and he swallowed, trying not to think about that possibility. He looked at his phone, relieved to see Subaru had texted him "Home safe, thanks for tonight, it was exactly what I needed! I'll text you in the morning" Kamui held his phone to his chest, breathing deeply, then responded.

"Me too :) Sweet dreams!" Kamui returned to his room, got undressed and crawled into bed. He felt suddenly so tired, so in need of rest. He closed his eyes, and as though his mind had the fantasy on cue, he saw and felt Subaru in bed beside him, holding him close and kissing him softly on the back of his neck. Kamui screwed up his eyes, surrendering, drawing a deep comfort from the vision.


Subaru smiled at Kamui's text, trying to draw the last little bit of strength and resolve from their time together. He unlocked the door to his apartment and could feel the tension in the dim light and silence as he toed off his shoes. He hung up his coat and walked cautiously down the hall. Seishiro sat on the couch on his laptop, probably working. He looked up as Subaru approached, then returned his gaze to his computer, saying nothing. His displeasure stung, but Subaru turned to go into their bedroom, remembering not to instigate. "How was your night?" Came Seishiro's voice, suddenly. Subaru shuddered as he turned around.

"Good, how was yours?" Seishiro began to type something, and Subaru waited.

"Fine. I don't know why you're home so late, though." Irritation and fear twisted Subaru's insides. Seishiro wasn't even looking at him.

"I'm sorry, we got to talking and I lost track of time," Subaru replied, an edge to his voice.

"I'm sure." Subaru sighed heavily, and finally Seishiro looked up. Subaru's breath caught in his chest, but he stood his ground, staring back defiantly. Seishiro's eyes flashed. "You know I hate when you're upset with me, Subaru," he said, sounding both sad and challenging. The frustration and resentment inside Subaru seemed to flash heat.

"Why are you always so-" he began, but stopped himself. Seishiro's lip curled.

"So what?" Now they were in a fight. Subaru didn't want to do this, he really didn't want to do this. He ran his fingers through his hair. "What were you going to say?" Seishiro asked, his tone almost sinister. Subaru felt the familiar spasm of fear; it was like being caught in a rip tide.

"I don't know," he said, finally, hating himself and how defeated he sounded. Subaru locked eyes with Seishiro, and he realized suddenly that he was only upset that they were arguing, not about the possibility of losing him. He knew they wouldn't split up over this, and he also knew that this fight would give way to the next one, and the one after that. Subaru suddenly felt so tired, like all the happiness and strength he'd felt from his time with Kamui was sucked out of him. This fight, like so many others, was stupid, not worth the trouble, and he'd rather conserve his energy for something else. "I don't want to fight with you," Subaru said, a pleading note in his voice. Seishiro looked at him appraisingly.

"Then don't," he said, his tone more sinister than ever. His expression scared Subaru, and he nodded.

"I just, I want to go to bed," he said, softly.

"Then go." Seishiro returned to his computer, the clicking of keys magnified by the tension between them. Subaru felt the words like a slap in the face and shuddered, turning away from Seishiro at last. He went into the bedroom, breathing rather fast. He got undressed and climbed into bed, curling up into a ball under the covers and shivering, feeling cold and empty. He wished more than anything he was back at Kamui's, sleeping back-to-back, warm and safe. Subaru stared at the wall in front of him, the darkness heavy on his eyes.

'It's not your fault your boyfriend wants to pick fights with you for no reason.' Subaru recalled Kamui's words suddenly, and his heart throbbed painfully. It had always sort of occurred to Subaru that he might not be as responsible for everything wrong in their relationship as Seishiro would have him believe. Now, though, he knew he wasn't. Subaru had spent so much time being afraid of Seishiro's displeasure. He'd do whatever he could to prevent fights, but nothing ever seemed to work, and it was only getting worse. Subaru needed something to change, and his desire to break the cycle was beginning to override his fear of leaving Seishiro, of being wrong.

'This is what I asked for, coming here, isn't it?' He thought, but then a stronger voice in his head countered, 'No, you didn't. You came here with the man you loved to start a life together, and you have every right to feel unsatisfied if you aren't getting what you need.' Subaru's heart beat faster, he felt taken aback by this new, dangerous thinking, but… He curled into a tighter ball. He'd have to talk to Seishiro, once he'd gotten up the nerve and figured out what he wanted to say.


Subaru sighed contentedly, holding tightly to the warm body pressed up against him, inhaling the smell of his shiny black hair, lips on the back of his neck. "Subaru," he said, quietly, reaching for his hand and interlacing their fingers.

"Mmm?" He brought Subaru's hand down to feel his erection. Subaru let out a soft, excited gasp and smiled, feeling himself get hard again at once. "Is this what you want?" Subaru breathed, beginning to stroke his erection as he thrust his own hips teasingly up against him from behind.

"Oh fuck yes!" Subaru sucked on his neck as he moved his hand up and down, faster and faster, feeling him get hot and shivery in his arms. It didn't seem like much, but oh god pleasing him felt so good, so hot and intimate and-

With a terrified gasp, Subaru woke up, splayed out on his back. His eyes were wide and his whole body was shaking, flushed and sweaty. He took a few calming breaths, trying to get his wits about him. He turned to find Seishiro beside him, fast asleep, and felt a surge of hot guilt. He'd been sleeping next to his boyfriend, but he'd had a dream that made him so hard he could barely see straight about, about… He rolled over onto his side, facing away from Seishiro and curling up, hiding the evidence of his treachery.

It was just because he was angry with Seishiro, because they'd been having trouble, and it was just a dream! His heart was still beating hard against his ribs and his erection was still aching for attention, but he ignored it, trying to calm down. He shut his eyes, feeling horrible, and saw again the back of a pale neck contrasting with shiny black hair that smelled so familiar…

"Seishiro!" Subaru rolled over and crawled right up close to him. Seishiro stirred and made an irritated noise.

"What?" He demanded. Subaru wrapped his arm around him, wanting him to face him, hold him and touch him, but Seishiro recoiled, moving further away. Subaru felt the action like a stab in the heart.

"Seishiro, please," he whispered, placing his hand on his back. Seishiro finally turned to look at him and Subaru withdrew his hand at once, his eyes wide, fear gripping him.

"I was up half the night waiting for you, do not keep me awake," Seishiro hissed, eyes shining like those of a predator in the darkness. Subaru withdrew still further, his throat burning.

"I'm sorry, I-"

"Go back to sleep." Seishiro rolled over onto his other side, and Subaru let out a long exhale. Eventually, the horror began to drain out of his body, leaving him shaking. He felt shell shocked and afraid, really afraid, of the person lying next to him, and for the first time he wondered if they ever could reconnect, if it was even worth trying.

Especially if he was having dreams about someone else.


UH OH...

The next chapter's going to be a trip...

I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!