Happy Thursday!
How are you all? I hope you had good Labor Days if you were able to get the time off. I guess summer's over? Even as it's been 85 degrees and insanely humid in New York the last few days.
ANYWAY, sorry, welcome to chapter 9! I'm both terrified and excited to post this. I know this chapter is... pretty intense. Full disclosure, I cried when I was writing it so much I had to take a break and go cuddle with my cat for like, an hour. I don't know if it will resonate with all of you the same way, but I'll certainly be excited to hear what you think!
I'll leave you with a quote from The Casual Vacancy by JK Rowling, my favorite novel.
"But who could bear to know which stars were already dead? Could anybody stand to know that they all were?"
"You should come hang out with me and my friends tonight" Subaru smiled at the message.
"What's the plan?" He watched the chat bubbles appear, disappear and appear again through a kind of tunnel vision. Nothing could penetrate the protective shield he had created for himself with his music and his cellphone. He felt utterly disconnected from Seishiro and had no idea what to do about it.
On Monday, he'd sent him a text at work, asking to talk that night. Seishiro agreed, but when he returned home he ignored Subaru completely. Although Subaru was determined, he felt too scared to initiate the conversation, so he waited. And waited. Until, "Subaru."
He looked up and knew a moment of utter terror as Seishiro reached forward and forcefully ripped Subaru's headphones off of him. "Stop!" Subaru cried out, feeling like his insides had disappeared. Seishiro's expression was deathly cold as he held Subaru's headphones tight in his hand, staring down at him.
"They're only headphones," he said, quietly dismissive. Subaru swallowed, his eyes wide and fearful as he watched his phone swing back and forth from the headphone chord like a pendulum. "You said you wanted to talk and then you don't listen when I speak to you." Seishiro dropped everything onto the couch, his stare forceful and colder than ever. Subaru felt a moment's relief, but knew it was premature. He also realized he was shaking.
"I," he began, trying to calm himself. Seishiro's lip curled, but he said nothing. "I," Subaru tried again, then swallowed. "N-never mind," he said, looking down, his heart pounding. Seishiro placed his first two fingers under Subaru's chin and lifted his gaze. His touch was icy and his voice radiated contempt.
"Stop?" Subaru swallowed, feeling the skin of his throat move against Seishiro's fingers. He nodded, and Seishiro withdrew. Subaru gasped, pressing his own hand to his neck and feeling his pulse. Seishiro made one last, contemptuous noise and turned away, heading back down the hall. At once Subaru picked up his phone and put his headphones back on. Everything still seemed to be working. He pressed his cellphone to his chest, listening to the music, hating himself and Seishiro.
He had wanted to say that he was unhappy, that he loved Seishiro but he needed things to change, but now there was no way he could. He felt tears begin in the corners of his eyes and blinked furiously. He was totally stuck. Any and all power he'd felt, any control he might have been able to reclaim, Seishiro had taken away. Subaru knew this couldn't go on, but he felt so tired and so afraid. In the end, all he did was change his cellphone background and lock screen from a picture of him and Seishiro together to the photo of Manhattan lit up in the night that Kamui had sent him all those weeks ago.
The rest of the week, Subaru had thrown himself into his work. It was a relief to be concerned for other people, though it was all emotionally draining. His client on Dyckman Street told him in detail about her ex's attempts to discredit and smear her. People needed actual exorcisms rather than just blessings.
However, it was still better than being at home, with Seishiro's displeasure and his own fear and misery. They barely spoke, and when they did it was an argument. Subaru would just lie in bed or on the couch for hours at a time, listening to his music and texting Kamui. These were the only things that made him feel better, even though he'd also feel a weird mix of guilt and spite. He knew it was wrong to be absorbed in someone else, tuned out to the problems in front of him, but he couldn't stop. Kamui was the only person with whom he could be honest, who'd reciprocate with the kindness and understanding Seishiro never gave him.
"We're just going to some bar when everyone's off work" The text forced Subaru back to the present. Saturday afternoon, alone in his apartment, wishing time would slow so Seishiro wouldn't come home.
"Sure! Where and when?"
"Come over whenever and we'll go there together" Subaru smiled at the message, tendrils of excitement forcing their way into his chest. Though he'd been texting Kamui constantly, he hadn't had time to actually see him since Sunday night. Unless you counted that dream in the early hours of Monday morning, but that wasn't necessarily Kamui! It could have been anyone! Guilt flooded Subaru's stomach even as the rest of his body remembered how good it had all felt.
'No,' he told himself. 'People can't help what they dream, it could mean anything!' He replied to Kamui's text, a flush in his face and neck.
"I'll be there in an hour, I just need to shower and change" Kamui inhaled sharply, his mind taking the prompt like poisonous bait.
"Awesome" he sent back, trying to distract himself from thoughts of Subaru naked and flushed under a cascade of hot water. He texted Sorata to confirm their plans, then stood up to make himself presentable. He'd seen his yoga instructor customer earlier, and he still felt rather sweaty and stretchy. He'd given her the last of his weed in exchange for their session, which meant he'd need to see Fuuma, though he didn't want to, not after last weekend.
For the first time ever, Kamui didn't want anything to do with Fuuma physically, and had no idea if he'd be cool with that or not. Although supposedly their relationship was professional, part of it was always about sex. It had been that way since the night they met. Kamui didn't think Fuuma would force him into anything, but maybe that was only because Kamui always gave into him, even if afterwards he felt empty.
He reflected sadly that he'd probably just be thinking about Subaru the entire time anyway, which was even more depressing than jerking off to him every night. His fantasies had escalated quickly from Subaru kissing him, pleasing him with his hands and his mouth, to riding Subaru hard, digging his fingernails into his chest, watching him writhe under him, feeling him shiver and hearing him moan. An unpleasant heat flooded Kamui's face as he remembered. Guilty as he felt about it afterwards, he couldn't stop.
Kamui washed, dressed and made half-assed attempts to clean up his apartment, all the while ignoring texts from customers. Finally, he heard his buzzer and ran to let Subaru upstairs. "Hey!" He exclaimed, smiling even as his heart ached. Subaru was dressed all in black, the button down shirt he was wearing clinging to his chest in all the right places. 'Fuck,' Kamui thought, imagining more and more soft, pale skin exposed as each button was undone… Subaru returned Kamui's smile and hugged him, making him gasp, and he willed his body not to do anything stupid.
Subaru took a deep breath in, suddenly remembering his dream, and let go of Kamui before he could think about it too much. They looked at each other, both rather pink in the face. "Come inside," Kamui said. Like last time, Subaru felt immediately safe in Kamui's apartment, but there was still a tight ball of bitter sadness in his chest. He wouldn't let it distract him, though: he wanted to be present, be there with Kamui and his friends. "Do you want a drink?" Kamui asked. Subaru raised his eyebrows.
"Aren't we going to a bar later?" He asked, smiling more in the last five minutes than he had done all week.
"Well yeah, but we have to pregame to make Yuzuriha mad she was stuck at work all day," Kamui replied, as though it were obvious. Subaru burst out laughing. It was such a welcome change from all his isolating, negative emotions it was almost like a head rush.
"Oh, certainly!" Kamui flashed him a winning smile, warmth flooding his chest at Subaru's laugh.
"Dude fucking around with each other is the basis of our friendship." Subaru kept laughing, and Kamui was thrilled. "Sit down, I'll bring you something." Subaru watched Kamui go, shiny black hair caressing the back of his neck.
'It was just a dream, just a one time thing,' he thought, resolutely. He took off his coat before sinking onto the couch.
Kamui paused in his kitchen to collect himself. So far everything was okay. At least, nothing seemed different, which was an enormous relief. As he extracted two beers from his fridge, he hoped everything would still be cool under the influence of drinks and low lights. 'Or that while we're fucked up we confess our feelings for each other so he leaves his boyfriend for me,' Kamui thought, before he could stop himself. 'Shut the fuck up, what's wrong with you?' He demanded of himself. Shaking his head despairingly, he returned to the living room. "Here," he said, handing Subaru his drink, and he looked curiously at the skeleton on the label. "Try it, it's good," Kamui assured him, and Subaru took a sip.
"You're right!" Kamui smiled, feeling so glad to have him there. They drank and listened to music and talked, cheerful and excited. Kamui didn't ask Subaru about his week, he'd heard all about it over text, and figured it was best not to bring it up. Subaru felt himself beginning to relax. It was such a relief just being with Kamui in person, not thinking about everything wrong in his life. He'd texted Seishiro before he left the house, but hadn't heard anything back. Right now, he didn't care. He was away from the situation, at least for a while, and he felt safe and expansive.
They had another drink, and Subaru became all the more physically affectionate for it. Kamui couldn't help but reciprocate, playfully taking his hand and leaning his head on his shoulder. Neither of them thought about repercussions as the sun sank low in the sky outside the windows. Finally, Kamui made to check the time on his phone, but he had to lean across Subaru to get it. His chest touched his thighs and their hands were still clasped. "Oh shit," he exclaimed, straightening up.
"What's up?" Subaru asked.
"We should get going!" He stood up and pulled Subaru to his feet, steadying him as he tipped forward slightly. "Careful!" Subaru blushed, squeezing Kamui's hand as they smiled at each other.
A few minutes later they were out the door, heading along 14th Street towards Union Square. They walked side by side, talking and laughing, occasionally brushing up against each other. Subaru smoked a cigarette, feeling happily doped up, watching Kamui's ever-changing facial expressions as he spoke. It was freezing outside, but warmth seemed to simmer between them, from the drink and emotions, spoken or not. "This is us," Kamui said, indicating a bar in the side of an ugly brick building. Subaru finished his cigarette and they entered. From the outside it looked like a total dive, but the inside was warm, clean and softly lit. It was already crowded with happy groups of friends, but not overwhelmingly so. Kamui led Subaru to the back, where they found Yuzuriha sitting at a corner booth, still in her work shirt and sipping a drink.
"Hey!" She exclaimed, brightly, standing up and grinning. Kamui made to hug her, but she turned away abruptly and embraced Subaru instead. "I'm still mad at you," she informed Kamui, who rolled his eyes.
"Fuck off that was mad long ago!"
"What happened?" Subaru asked, over Yuzuriha's shoulder, but she laughed and let go.
"Don't worry about it," she said, still grinning as they sat down. "Sorata and Arashi are on their way, the trains are fucked up as usual. Oh!" She added, looking at Subaru. "I was thinking about you today!" Subaru looked utterly confused.
"Me?" She giggled.
"Yes! We got new puppies today and they're so cute, do you want to see pictures?" Subaru's eyes widened excitedly.
"Yes please!" Kamui touched Subaru's arm, wanting to get his attention before he was absorbed in cute animals.
"I'm gonna get a drink, do you want something?"
"What? Oh, um, sure!" Kamui smiled, determinedly not looking at Yuzuriha as Subaru told him what he wanted, before making his way over to the bar. He squeezed in between two people and looked around, trying to get someone's attention. He felt like he'd dodged a bullet; watching Subaru get so innocently excited was truly more than he could stand.
"What can I get you?" One of the bartenders asked, smiling at him. Kamui ordered drinks, trying to stay focused as he watched the bartender pouring liquor.
"There you are!" Sorata had appeared right beside Kamui, making him jump.
"Oh shit, you scared me!" He said, feeling disoriented as he hugged Sorata hello.
"My bad, dude!"
"It's cool!" Sorata shook his head as if trying to clear it.
"Sorry we're late, we got delayed by like, twenty minutes because someone pulled the fucking emergency break on the 4 train." He looked shell-shocked and disbelieving.
"Why the fuck…?"
"I have no idea but we're all taking shots now." Kamui burst out laughing.
"If you say so!" The bartender placed Kamui and Subaru's drinks on the counter. Kamui paid her, left her a tip and carefully picked up the glasses, watching Sorata immediately order god knows what. Subaru and Yuzuriha were still in conversation when Kamui returned to the table. Arashi had joined them, looking equally as disgruntled as Sorata, but she smiled when she saw Kamui. "What's up?" He asked her, and she shook her head sadly.
"Trains!" Everyone laughed. Kamui handed Subaru his drink and squeezed into the booth next to him.
"Thank you," Subaru told him quietly. "I'll get the next round." They smiled at each other, the warmth between them simmering a little faster.
"So I was telling Subaru and Arashi, I totally also found all the pictures from your twenty-first birthday!" Yuzuriha said to Kamui, grinning evilly. Kamui took a gulp of his drink before responding.
"Oh god are they awful?"
"No they're amazing! I'll wait for Sorata to-"
"Wait for me to what?" Sorata asked, appearing beside the table as if on cue. He was carrying a tray with shots for everyone and mixed drinks for himself and Arashi. He took the seat next to her and placed the tray in the middle of the table.
"Did you steal that tray?" Arashi asked at once. Sorata gave her an extremely offended look as everyone snickered into their drinks.
"No, the nice bartender let me borrow it to bring all this over here, jeez!" Arashi laughed, rolling her eyes and rubbing his back. Sorata looked around at his friends. "You see this? No trust, it's terrible." He sighed. "Anyway, for me to what?" He continued, addressing Yuzuriha.
"I found all the pictures we took at Kamui's twenty-first on my external hard drive!" Sorata's expression lit up in excitement.
"Okay, but first, shots!" Everyone took one, Subaru and Kamui exchanging another smile as they did so. "To not being on the fucking train anymore!" They all laughed, then downed their shots.
"Good choice!" Kamui said, appreciatively, the liquor burning his throat and turning up the heat he and Subaru felt between them. Subaru leaned against Kamui, feeling numb to the pain of the week, thrilled to be out with friends and not thinking about Seishiro. "Okay let me see the pictures!" Subaru laughed, feeding off Kamui's passion and intensity.
"Here, they're all on my phone," Yuzuriha said, retrieving it. "Only scroll to the right," she said, dire warning in her voice.
"Yeah I don't want to see your ass again," Kamui told her. Subaru and Arashi exchanged a mortified look and Sorata just rolled his eyes, laughing. Yuzuriha looked totally unembarrassed as she placed her phone in the center of the table where they could all sort of see.
"I told you which way to scroll, it's not my fault you didn't know your right from your left," she told Kamui indifferently, and he shot her a nasty look. The first few photos could have been taken at any good house party: they showed people laughing, smiling, raising drinks, all in different rooms in Kamui's apartment, until-
"Who is that?" Subaru asked, tilting his head to get a better view. The picture showed Kamui and another young man with a cheerful smile, their arms linked as they took shots of something from plastic cups. Kamui sipped his drink, feeling both awkward and nostalgic.
"That's Keiichi, a guy I dated… Hooked up with, whatever, for a split second." The next photo showed Keiichi with his arm around Kamui, both of them pulling faces at the camera. Kamui felt hot in the face and he smiled at Subaru almost apologetically. Subaru nodded, also blushing, and moved even closer to Kamui. Their thighs touched under the table.
"What is going on in these?" Arashi demanded, giggling confusedly and pointing. The next few photos showed Sorata, a huge grin on his face, with Kamui slung over his shoulder.
"I have no fucking clue," Sorata replied, looking utterly perplexed and laughing.
"Really, what did you do?" Subaru asked Kamui, and everyone burst into appreciative laughter.
"I didn't do anything!" Kamui cried, outraged. "Probably!" He finished, sipping his drink.
"Honestly dude I was probably just trying to blow up your spot because Keiichi was there," Sorata said, matter-of-factly.
"I hate you so much," Kamui replied in the same tone. They stared at each other coldly for a second longer before raising their glasses to each other. Overhead, the lights dimmed suddenly and the music playing turned up louder.
"Here, this is the best picture," Yuzuriha announced, smiling smugly at Arashi, who choked on her drink, laughing and going furiously red. The picture showed her and Yuzuriha, kissing passionately in the middle of a crowd of people. Sorata stood beside them, solo cup in hand, his expression a mixture of horrified and turned on that made him look rather stupid. Kamui burst out laughing, pointing at the picture.
"LOOK AT YOUR FACE, DUDE, HOLY SHIT!" Sorata threw his arms up as if to say, "It can't be helped!" "YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE THE CONFLICT!" Kamui fell against Subaru, laughing uncontrollably. Subaru was laughing too, more at Kamui's reaction than the photo itself. His thinking brain deserted him as the heat between them fed on Kamui's intensity and power. Subaru put his arm around him before he realized what he was doing. He liked Kamui so much…
"Arashi, let's recreate this picture!" Yuzuriha called across the table.
"Oh for god's sake," Arashi replied, wearily. Sorata put his arm around her.
"I just want you to know, you have my full support in this." Arashi gave him a thoroughly mistrustful look, then turned back to Yuzuriha.
"I'll need several more of these," she said, very seriously, swirling her drink around. Yuzuriha toasted her and returned to the photos, finding another one she liked and telling a story about it. Kamui shifted under Subaru's arm and rested his head on his shoulder, consequences the last thing on his drunk mind.
The next hour or so passed in more photos, more drinks and louder and louder music. It seemed everyone had gotten way more intoxicated than they'd meant to. Sorata had his arm tight around Arashi and she rested her head on his shoulder as they moved slowly back and forth to the music before finally getting absorbed in kisses. Yuzuriha had stood up and was dancing next to their table. She turned down three or four guys before Kamui stood up resignedly and pulled her towards him. "You still mad?" He asked her, raising his eyebrows.
"No!" She giggled, grinding up against him. He reflected that if she weren't practically his sister, he'd be enjoying this immensely. The song changed to one they both knew and they cried out excitedly, getting more into it.
"Would you ride for me, would you die for me, would you jump off a cliff and hit the sky with me?!" They called out, singing along, before bursting into laughter.
"Subaru, get in on this!" Yuzuriha cried, still giggling.
"What?!" Subaru looked terrified. "Oh no I have no rhythm!" Ignoring this completely, Yuzuriha reached forward, took hold of his wrist and pulled him up. He stumbled a little, but managed to place his hands behind her on Kamui's shoulders. The three of them moved together for barely a second before Yuzuriha ducked out from between them. Already unsteady, Subaru fell forward, gripping Kamui's shoulders to stay upright. Kamui's eyes widened as fear managed to take hold in his drunk brain. He looked wildly around for Yuzuriha, but she had vanished into the crowed. Feeling pulled in two directions, Kamui looked up at Subaru, who smiled. Clearly they were beyond the point of giving a fuck.
'It's just dancing,' Kamui told himself. He spun around so his back was up against Subaru's chest, then reached for his hands and interlaced their fingers together. Subaru gasped softly right in Kamui's ear, gripping his hands almost painfully hard, his heart racing. Kamui felt the entire back of his body electrified at the contact, shivering at Subaru's breath on his neck.
Kamui took the lead, moving them together slowly, but purposefully. Subaru had no idea what he was doing, but didn't care. His brain had deserted him, but he felt more in his body than he had done in a very long time.
Kamui arched his back suddenly, pressing his hips back and up against Subaru, who let out another surprised gasp. Kamui bit his lip, the sound making him flush excitedly. He moved his hips in slow, gentle circles in time with the music and felt Subaru give his hands another squeeze. Subaru's breath caught in his throat, choking back whatever noise he was about to make. His entire body was honed in on the friction and pressure between his legs; feeling, and watching, Kamui move was mesmerizing.
Kamui suddenly straightened up and pulled Subaru's arms tight around himself. Subaru started, gasping softly in Kamui's ear again, his nose full of the smell of his hair, his lips millimeters from the back of his neck, the same spot from his dream. Kamui closed his eyes, biting back the soft moan trying to escape his throat. He brought Subaru's hands to his hipbones and pressed them into his flushed skin. Subaru inhaled sharply. How did this feel so good? Kamui's skin was hot and smooth under Subaru's fingers and palms as he snuck his hand around, pressing it up under his shirt. Kamui's muscles pulled in and up as he let out a sharp exhale.
Subaru felt suddenly dizzy, like all of the blood and sense had rushed out of his head into the longing, desperate erection he was still pressing up against Kamui. Oh god he was so turned on, he wanted, he wanted-
Kamui felt stuck in an erotic limbo: it would be so easy for Subaru to reach his hand down, or spin him around so they were face to face, or-
Subaru rested his parted lips ever so delicately against the back of Kamui's neck. It was like a butterfly kiss, but it shocked every nerve in Kamui's body. Although the touches they'd shared had been intimate and affectionate, this was something entirely new, and they both realized it at exactly the same time.
Then the song ended.
Subaru and Kamui stopped right where they were, still embracing, hearts hammering, breath shallow. Kamui turned his head very slowly, lips parted, looking up at Subaru with a painful intensity. They locked eyes, unable to say anything, the space between them begging, the heat they'd cultivated scorching. "I," Subaru began, biting his lower lip, making Kamui shiver in his arms. "I, I'm going to go smoke, I'll be back!" He withdrew his arms from around Kamui's waist and turned back to their table, determinedly not looking at Sorata, Arashi or Yuzuriha. He extracted his cigarettes from his coat pocket and hurried away, mind spinning and body on fire. He bumped into several people as he made his way to the door, but he didn't even notice.
Finally, he was back outside. The cold night air stung his face, but it was helping him to stay focused. He took a deep breath in and sighed it out, staring at the street ahead of him, though not actually seeing it at all. He was too drunk to make sense of much, but he did know a line had been crossed. He was still shivery from how turned on he'd been. Kamui, his good friend who had already reached deep into his heart, had now reached into his body. Subaru swallowed, removing a cigarette from his pack, trying to calm down. "You forgot this." Subaru jumped, then turned to find Kamui next to him, holding out his lighter. He seemed to be feeling all the same things: apprehensive, drunk as fuck, still turned on…
"Thank you," Subaru said, quietly, and Kamui lit his cigarette for him. He nodded, eyes shining in the darkness. They stared at each other, at a loss for what to say. Kamui just watched Subaru smoke, his mind, body and heart aching with longing.
"I, I don't really," he began, his mouth dry.
"I don't either," Subaru replied, staring imploringly back at him. Kamui knew he had to say something, but his honesty and power seemed to have deserted him. As with everything truly important, Kamui remained secretive, though Subaru could feel it in his own body as though they were in tune: Kamui was afraid, and he was hurting, though he couldn't, or wouldn't, say it out loud. Subaru threw the butt of his cigarette onto the ground and rubbed it into the concrete with his foot. He didn't feel any calmer.
"Did everything just get totally fucked up?" Kamui asked, his voice shaking. Subaru's eyes widened and his heart throbbed painfully for Kamui. This amazing, exciting, gorgeous person who had helped him so much, for whom he cared so much, who he liked so much.
"Of course not!" He said at once, pressing his hand to his chest. "You mean so much to me, I-" he stopped abruptly, swallowing the lump in his throat. "Everything is fine, please don't worry!" He took Kamui's hand, presumably to reassure him. However, all it did was further their understanding that something had shifted. They looked down at their clasped hands, then back up, longing for each other and absolutely terrified.
"I fucking swore I wouldn't, I, I can't-"
"You can't what?" Kamui closed his eyes, squeezing Subaru's hand, emotions crashing inside him.
"Please don't make me say it," he said, weakly, and Subaru flushed deeply. "I won't fuck up what we have!" Kamui cried, earnestly, his face burning, throat painfully tight. Subaru's hand shook and he bit his lip. "I think you're an amazing fucking person, I didn't want to tell you how I-" he paused, self-disgust in his voice. "I just want you around, I don't want things to be weird between us now!" Subaru pulled Kamui into a hug, holding him as tight as he could, heart threatening to burst with emotion. Kamui clung to the back of Subaru's shirt, screwing up his eyes.
They stayed that way for a while, feeling and breathing. The world outside stopped existing: all that was real was their intense, loving embrace. Kamui buried his face in Subaru's neck, his breath slowing, though his heart continued to race and his skin was flushed with emotion. Subaru gently rubbed his face in Kamui's hair, inhaling deeply, a desperate pain inside him even as it all felt so good. "I, I feel the same," he breathed, shuddering, and Kamui let out a soft cry and held him all the more tightly. They both knew this was all happening because they were drunk and had taken it too far, but they also knew they'd been dancing closer and closer to the edge. Truly, this would have come out sooner or later. At last, Kamui looked up, meeting Subaru's gaze.
"I'm so sorry," he said, softly. "I didn't mean for this to happen, I wasn't trying to get in the way of you and your boyfriend, like, even if-" but all of the color drained from Subaru's face and his stomach clenched in fear. He'd completely forgotten about Seishiro.
"He's going to kill me," Subaru whispered, looking petrified. He let go of Kamui at once. "Oh my god, I, I have to go, I'm sorry!"
"Subaru, wait!" But he had already rushed back inside. "Fuck!" Kamui sprinted after him, but while they'd been outside a huge group of people had monopolized the front of the bar. By the time Kamui had squeezed through the crowd to get back to his table, Subaru had his coat on and was telling Yuzuriha, Arashi and Sorata hurried goodbyes. "Subaru!" Kamui called over the noise. Subaru turned, and his expression was more devastated and terrified than ever. Kamui grabbed his arm. "Stop! Talk to me!"
"I'll text you tomorrow," he said, his pain palpable.
"Promise me!" Subaru closed his eyes and took a shaky breath in.
"I promise I will!" Kamui let go, hating himself, and nodded, his throat burning. Subaru wiped his eyes rather impatiently before stepping around Kamui and disappearing into the loud, drunk masses. A moment's silence passed.
"Kamui?" He turned. His friends were all staring back at him, looking frightened. Kamui sat down at their table and Yuzuriha put her arm around him. "What happened?" She asked, squeezing his shoulders. Kamui looked up at her, Arashi and Sorata, and they moved in closer as if they might fill the painful wound suppurating inside his chest. Kamui took a deep, shuddering breath, and burst into tears.
Subaru was running to the train faster than he'd ever run in his life, as if he could outrun everything that had just happened. He couldn't think, he could barely breathe, but if he got back to Seishiro everything would be okay, it would all be like before, the way it was supposed to be, before he and Kamui had…
He entered the train station at Union Square and sprinted to the NQR platform. He stopped there, gasping, praying the train would be there soon. He had a stitch in his chest that felt like a stab wound, or maybe that was just the pain in his heart.
At once, all the emotions he'd been running from, that he'd ever felt for Kamui, seemed to crash in on him like a tidal wave. Subaru had always cared for Kamui deeply, worried about him and admired him: his honesty, bravery, compassion and power. He was also well aware of what Kamui had done for him: he'd reached out and supported him, been so kind and understanding, and expected nothing in return. Even tonight, he said he didn't care what happened between them as long as they were still in each other's lives. Subaru pressed his hands to his mouth, fighting tears. He had thought for so long that they just had a deep, intense friendship, but the emotional intimacy they had shared, that he'd treasured, had… but no! He was with Seishiro, he was in love with Seishiro, he'd sacrificed everything for Seishiro. That was more important!
'More important than what, getting your needs met?' His mind asked him, coldly, before blanking. He knew he'd been unhappy, that Kamui had given him what he'd wished for that he couldn't speak about out loud. But then, did that mean that he only liked Kamui this way because of what he represented? An escape from his own, sad circumstances? Shame flooded his body and he felt completely disgusting. Hokuto had said the same thing before he'd come to New York, that Subaru only liked Seishiro for that reason. Was this just a tragic pattern? The R train finally arrived, ripping Subaru out of his self-hating mental spiral.
He boarded the train and sat down in a corner, staring unseeingly at the ugly floor of the train car and putting at least one thing together. He wouldn't use Kamui that way. Kamui was too good, too special, to be thrown away on some kind of pathetic emotional affair. He needed Kamui, and he liked Kamui, but he had to try with Seishiro.
A half hour later, Subaru burst out of the train station at Rector Street and hurried back up to their apartment. His hands were shaking so badly he had terrible trouble unlocking the door, but at last he managed it, feeling utterly terrified. He looked around as he entered, his heart hammering in his throat and his palms sweating. Only the bedroom light was on. He shut the door carefully, kicked off his shoes and hurried down the pitch-dark hallway. He stopped in the bedroom doorway, his coat still on. Seishiro lay in bed, propped up against his pillows, reading and smoking. He looked up, eyes narrowed behind his glasses. "There you are." Subaru's stomach clenched painfully, and Seishiro looked away. "Did you have a good night?" Subaru bit his lip. Silence. "How was your night?" Seishiro asked again, turning a page of his book.
"F-fine," Subaru replied, his voice shaking. He took off his coat and hung it on the back of the door, watching Seishiro finish his cigarette.
"I'm glad." Feeling terrified and guilty, Subaru crawled into bed. Every creak of the bedsprings and every crinkle of a turned page echoed ominously.
"Seishiro?"
"What?" Subaru shut his eyes at his cold tone, but then cautiously reached out and touched his arm.
"Seishiro, I-" He finally turned to look Subaru in the face, and he felt a spasm of fear. He stayed where he was, though, he had to try; he was determined. "Can, can we…?" Seishiro's eyes glittered and he snapped his book closed. He straightened up and slammed Subaru down onto the bed, climbing on top of him and pinning him there. Subaru cried out, fear flooding his mind. Seishiro's lip curled.
"Is this what you want?" He breathed, putting his face very close to Subaru's.
"Y-yes!" Subaru managed, though his mind was screaming no. Seishiro stared back at Subaru, eyes narrowed, full of cold disgust.
"No," Seishiro spat, the contempt in his voice like a slap in the face. He rolled off of Subaru and returned to his book like nothing had happened. Subaru lay there as if paralyzed, fear gripping him. "You're drunk, go eat something," Seishiro continued, the contempt all the more palpable. Shaking, Subaru peeled himself off the bed, his insides clenching and churning sickeningly. He walked to the door and, in spite of himself, turned to look at Seishiro one last time.
Even through the alcohol and the fear, Subaru knew a moment of clarity. This wasn't working. It wasn't going to work. There was nothing he could do.
Subaru closed the bedroom door and walked into the living room. He lay down on the couch, feeling as though everything he'd done in his life up to then was pointless, had been for nothing. He curled up into a ball and began to cry, keeping his voice down so Seishiro wouldn't hear.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?" Sorata asked seriously. Kamui was seated on his couch, holding a glass of water in both hands. Yuzuriha and Arashi sat on either side of him, rubbing his back and stroking his hair. "We can all stay over, it'd be better if you weren't alone." Kamui wanted to tell them no, that he'd be okay, but he knew he'd start crying again if he tried to speak, so he shook his head and took another sip of water.
"We'll leave you be, then," Arashi told him, kindly, kissing him on the cheek. She looked to Sorata, who nodded gravely.
"Call us if you need us, all right?" He added, his eyes blazing. Again, Kamui could only nod.
"Let's go," Arashi said to Yuzuriha, but she shook her head, her arm still around Kamui's shoulders.
"You guys go." Sorata and Arashi looked at each other uncertainly.
"It's cool," Kamui managed to say, thickly. Sorata nodded and clapped Kamui hard on the shoulder. He and Arashi gathered their things and left, the door slamming shut behind them. Kamui sighed heavily, and Yuzuriha withdrew her arm from around him.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered.
"What for?" He asked, genuinely confused. She clasped her hands in her lap and looked at him desperately.
"This is all my fault. I wasn't trying to start anything, I swear I was just messing around!" Kamui smiled for the first time in hours.
"That's crazy," he said. "It had nothing to do with that! We," he paused, swallowing more tears. "We've liked each other for a while, like I said." Yuzuriha heaved a deep sigh, still looking terribly guilty. "I'm not mad at you," he told her, firmly, and at last her face relaxed into a smile, though she looked like she may cry herself.
"I'm staying here with you," she said, just as firmly. "I can't leave you by yourself." Kamui nodded, feeling relieved in spite of himself.
"Thanks."
Hours later, Subaru awoke, stiff and uncomfortable and freezing where he'd fallen asleep on the couch. He sat up, his mouth dry and head throbbing. He wrapped his arms around himself, trying to warm up and not think about everything that had happened tonight. He slowly got to his feet, approached the bedroom door and opened it as quietly as possible. He tiptoed to the bathroom to get something for his head, and started when he caught sight of his reflection. He looked nothing like himself: exhausted, eyes red and puffy, face blotchy and parched. He brought his hand up to his cheek and gently rubbed his thumb under his eye, the way Hokuto would rub his tears away when they were small. More tears filled his eyes as he opened the medicine cabinet to find ibuprofen, which he swallowed with a handful of tap water.
He reentered the bedroom and padded up to Seishiro's bedside, more tears sliding down his face. Seishiro was fast asleep, glasses folded on his bedside table. He breathed slowly and deeply through parted lips, lips that had once made Subaru's knees weak and now spewed contempt and judgment and criticism. Subaru started to cry in earnest. What had happened to them?
He remembered, very suddenly, the night they met, and his body shook with the force of his crying. Hokuto had dragged him out to a production of Madame Butterfly, because she'd gotten a new very nice dress and needed an excuse to wear it. "It's totally culturally insensitive, but the music is beautiful," she'd said, adjusting her hair in the mirror. They'd gone to the New National Theater and found seats in the dress circle. Subaru had never been to an opera before and had looked around with bright, excited interest, a little overwhelmed by the grandeur of it all. He accidentally caught the eye of the man sitting next to him, who smiled warmly.
"First time here?" He asked, kindly, and Subaru had blushed.
"Um, yes," he replied, awkwardly.
"I just saw this production in New York, I thought it'd be interesting to compare." Subaru nodded eagerly, taking in the man's handsome features, sharp eyes behind his glasses. "I'm Seishiro Sakurazuka."
"Subaru Sumeragi, very nice to meet you!" They shook hands, and Subaru's blush deepened.
"And I'm Subaru's sister, Hokuto," she interjected, reaching across Subaru to shake Seishiro's hand as well. The lights flashed overhead and everyone went quiet, all eyes on the stage. Subaru had been blown away. The beauty of the music, the power of the performers, it was amazing. The first act ended and Subaru wiped his eyes discreetly, lamenting his own tone-deafness. "That American soldier's a punk," Hokuto said, emphatically, looking down her nose at the stage.
"Really?" Subaru asked, smiling at her affectionately.
"Obviously! He wasn't in love with her, he was just using her."
"Do you think so? That seems unfair," Seishiro said, mildly.
"Unfair or not, it's true," Hokuto sniffed. Subaru and Seishiro laughed.
"Can I buy you a drink before the second act starts?" Seishiro asked Subaru, making his heart skip. He looked uncertainly at Hokuto, who raised her eyebrows, but nodded slyly. They'd had drinks and exchanged words and stories before returning to their seats for the second act. Subaru felt like he was being swept away, from the art and this new, exciting person for whom he was already developing feelings. After the second act, Subaru, Seishiro and Hokuto had left the theater together. She'd given them space to say goodbye, but Subaru knew she was watching.
"Can I see you again?" Seishiro asked, tilting his head to the side.
"Yes!" Subaru said at once, going furiously red, and Seishiro had smiled. They'd seen each other the very next night. Seishiro took Subaru to dinner, then back to his hotel room. Subaru had been nervous, unsure what to expect, but they'd only exchanged more soft words and a goodbye kiss that set his body on fire.
"I leave for New York the day after tomorrow," Seishiro had breathed against Subaru's lips. "Come see me one more time."
"Yes!" The following night hadn't been Subaru's first time, but it had been the first time he felt he'd been made love to. Everything was so good, and it had been so overwhelming and romantic, it all felt like a dream.
Subaru had his fingers pressed to his mouth; it hurt so much to think about all this now. He knew he shouldn't, but he reached out and gently tucked Seishiro's hair behind his ear. He stirred sleepily and Subaru withdrew his hand at once, eyes widening fearfully. Seishiro blinked up at him, looking almost innocent. "Subaru?" He asked, softly. Subaru said nothing, waiting. "Get in bed." It was a command, but it didn't sound nearly as threatening when it was softened by sleep. Subaru climbed into bed, fully dressed and crying silently. Seishiro rolled over and curled his arm around Subaru. For the first time ever, he felt absolutely nothing. No flutter of his heart, no excited stirring anywhere else, just sad, loveless emptiness.
Subaru cried as freely as he dared, for he knew this would be their last night together. He mourned the man he'd fallen in love with and everything they'd had together. Like Butterfly, he'd been seduced by someone who had ulterior motives, but unlike her, Subaru wouldn't let this be the end. Even through all his shame, fear and self-disgust, he knew he'd make this work. He had to: he owed it to himself, Hokuto, Kamui and all the people who loved him.
"if you love me, answer me softly," is a line from Madame Butterfly.
I think of reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!
