Happy Thursday!

How are you all doing? Recovered from last week? I hope so, because truthfully I don't know if I am.

So chapter 11! Um, what do I need to say about it... Nothing, really. I mean, nothing before you've read it, anyway. It's dense and it's intense but I don't think it'll make you hate me the way the last two did. You'll hate me in a different way, I expect.

Anyway, I'll shut up and let the chapter speak for itself, shall I?

Enjoy!


"Are you okay?" Subaru gripped Kamui's hand and nodded. Fear was twisting his stomach into sick knots, so he kept his mouth shut. Kamui gave his hand a squeeze, preparing himself. They didn't expect Subaru's ex to be at the apartment. However, Kamui was sure there was no way they could just get in and get out, as much as he wanted to. "Everything will be fine," he said, and again Subaru nodded.

The train moved further and further downtown, and Kamui tried to stay strong and focused. He could practically feel Subaru's heart beating through his sweaty, shaky hand. They sat together, sharing a pulse, while the rest of the world continued around them. NYU students, tourists, people coming into the city from Queens. Subaru would usually have felt so aware of everyone, but his own pain made him numbly impervious. The only person he was aware of was Kamui, his anchor in the real world, preventing him from slipping away into the open chasm in his chest. "Next stop," came Kamui's voice, and yet again Subaru nodded.

The train pulled into Rector Street and they got off, still holding hands. The neighborhood looked surreal to Subaru as they walked to his old building, covered in plastic and scaffolding. He felt like a ghost, haunting the life he'd once cherished. His eyes burned and he swallowed, blinking furiously and gripping Kamui's hand all the more tightly. They spotted Sorata in front of the building waiting for them, and they hurried over. At once he pulled Subaru into an embrace, clapping him hard on the back, and tears came before he could stop them. "S-sorry!" He gasped, mortified. Sorata withdrew, looking at him with a fierce determination.

"Don't worry about it. Let's get this taken care of." Subaru nodded, wiping his eyes impatiently. Sorata turned to Kamui and hugged him too. "You okay?"

"I will be once we get this done." They broke apart and looked to Subaru. "Ready?" Subaru tried to gather his courage and nodded.

They entered the lobby, all cold marble and chrome, and headed towards the elevators. It was hard to believe Subaru had, until so very recently, called this place home, had lived here for months, and was now back to clean up the mess after everything had fallen apart. It was like a nightmare, or a drug trip, or some other inescapable and terrifying warped reality. He pressed the button for the 15th floor, feeling a slight head rush as they ascended. Sorata and Kamui followed him down the hallway, their footsteps absorbed by the quiet stillness. At last they reached the apartment. Subaru's hand shook as he pushed the key into the lock and opened the door.

Silence. Darkness. Tension.

"All clear?" Kamui asked, eyes darting around.

"I'm not sure…" Subaru said, slowly, stepping inside, his heart beating.

"Where should we start?" Sorata asked, placing his hand on Subaru's shoulder.

"The bedroom, all I still have here is clothes." They toed off their shoes and proceeded cautiously down the hallway. Subaru had a sudden flashback to running away from this very spot the day before, but he stayed focused, trying his best to remain calm.

The bedroom door opened, making all three of them jump. Seishiro stood framed in the doorway, eyes glittering behind his glasses. "Subaru," he said, his lip curling. Subaru felt his blood run cold, but he wouldn't look away. At once Kamui and Sorata moved to stand on either side of him. "You brought friends?" Seishiro asked, eyes moving from Subaru, to Sorata, then fixing on Kamui, who held his gaze, glaring back with as much contempt as he could muster, even as his heart pulsed at the threat.

"I, I didn't think you'd be home," Subaru said, doing his utmost not to sound afraid.

"Oh?" Seishiro's eyes were still locked on Kamui's.

"I just want to get the rest of my things," Subaru said. A moment's silence passed.

"Fine," Seishiro said. His tone was casual, but somehow even more threatening. Subaru shuddered, but refused to back down. He walked towards the bedroom and Seishiro stepped aside, looking almost impressed. Subaru dug his suitcase out of the closet and opened it on the bed, setting to work at once. He had to hurry and get them out of here as quickly as possible.

In the living room, Seishiro and Kamui had resumed their stand off. Kamui wanted to say something to punish him for making Subaru hurt this much, but resisted, knowing it would do more harm than good. Sorata stood beside him, grounding and reassuring, though ready in an instant to step in. "I saw you at that party," Seishiro said, finally, his eyes narrowing.

"No shit," Kamui answered back, clenching his fists, blood pounding in his ears. In the bedroom, Subaru's mouth went dry and he worked even faster, listening with all his might. Seishiro let out a soft, contemptuous noise.

"Is this what you wanted? To come into Subaru's life and disrupt everything?" An unpleasant heat crept up Kamui's neck, but he didn't break eye contact.

"No," he replied, coldly. "You treating him badly had fuck all to do with me."

"Kamui," Sorata said, warningly, but Seishiro smiled.

"Is that what you think?" Subaru scrambled to pack faster, praying Kamui wouldn't give in. "Does this make you happy? Do you feel heroic?"

"Don't," Sorata told Kamui out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes narrowed in dislike as he watched the exchange. Kamui heeded him and didn't reply, even as angry color rose in his face. Seishiro titled his head to the side, his smile impassive.

"And what will you do after this? Play house until Subaru comes back to me?" Subaru paused in his packing and closed his eyes, the words like icy daggers in his chest. "Subaru and I were fine until he met you." Even though Kamui knew this wasn't true, doubt crept into his heart and mind like an infestation.

"I-" he began, without meaning to, and Seishiro's eyes glittered, his handsome features sinister in his games.

"Please, there's no need for this," Sorata said, stepping forward and placing a hand between them. "Kamui, go help Subaru." But just then Subaru zipped up his suitcase and dragged it to the doorway.

"It's fine, I'm packed!" He cried, his heart throbbing. He locked eyes with Kamui. "Let's go!" Kamui nodded, his expression fierce as they turned to leave.

"You aren't even going to say goodbye?" Seishiro asked, raising an eyebrow. Subaru closed his eyes for a second, then looked at Sorata and Kamui.

"Can you guys give me a second?" He no longer felt any fear or intimidation, just a deep, exhausted sadness.

"Are you sure?" Sorata asked, very seriously, before Kamui could say anything. Subaru nodded.

"We'll be outside," Sorata replied, taking the handle of Subaru's suitcase. "Come on, Kamui." Kamui looked more than ready to protest, but the words died in his throat as he met Subaru's gaze. He nodded grudgingly and followed Sorata back down the hallway. The door closed and the sound echoed in the vacuous, painful silence. Subaru turned back to Seishiro and reached into his pocket for his keys. He removed the two needed to get into this apartment and held them out.

"Here," he said, simply, but Seishiro didn't take them.

"After you begged and begged me for them?" Subaru flushed in anger.

"I won't need them anymore."

"Ahh." Silence. Seishiro still didn't take the keys, so Subaru placed them on the back of the couch.

"You weren't supposed to be here," he told him, quietly furious. Seishiro tilted his head to the side, impassive smile firmly in place.

"I knew you'd be back," he replied, as though it were obvious. "I know you well." Subaru glared at him, anger building.

"You only know the me you can control," he said. Seishiro's smile broadened.

"Control is a strong word," he replied, and the amusement in his voice was sickening.

"You know who you want me to be," Subaru began, his voice rising alarmingly. "You know the me who is scared of losing you and will do what you say, but I'm done! This has nothing to do with Kamui or anyone else! This was never going to work and I should have known better! I'm done. You wanted goodbye? Goodbye." Seishiro just stared.

"All right, Subaru," he said, finally. Subaru gave him a disgusted look and turned to go, but Seishiro caught him by the wrist. Subaru felt a wave of revulsion and fear.

"Let go of me!"

"I'll always love you, you know," Seishiro told him, softly. Subaru shuddered as he felt the words trying to stick to him, grab ahold of him and keep him there, but he wrenched his arm out of Seishiro's grip.

"I loved the man I meet in Tokyo, but he's been gone a long time." He gave Seishiro one last, furious look, then ran back down the hall and left the apartment for the last time. Sorata and Kamui were right outside the door waiting for him, looking terrified. "Let's go," Subaru said, his eyes hard and blazing. He began to cry openly as they strode back to the elevators, but he didn't care. The person he had fallen in love with was dead and gone, or had perhaps never even existed, and no amount of sticking by this new person would change that. He would move on. He was already moving on.


"Thank you for your help today," Subaru told Sorata, breaking the silence they'd held all the way back to Kamui's apartment.

"It's no problem. You take care of yourself, okay?" Subaru nodded, and Sorata hugged him before turning to Kamui. "You too."

"I know." They exchanged a hug as well.

"Are you guys sure you're okay? You don't need anything else?"

"We're cool, don't worry," Kamui said, quietly, doing his best to sound reassuring. Sorata still looked unconvinced, but sighed and turned to go.

"Call me if you need me," he said, his hand on the door. "Missy and I will probably stop by on the weekend." Subaru and Kamui nodded, and Sorata was gone. A few seconds passed and Subaru sighed heavily before heading into the bedroom. He collapsed onto the bed and curled up in a ball. Kamui followed him, feeling deeply uneasy.

He tried to calm himself, to think, but all he could hear was, 'Is this what you wanted? To come into Subaru's life and disrupt everything?' He knew it was supposed to be inflammatory and hurtful, but he couldn't help but feel afraid. Afraid that all of this was just feelings gone crazy, that they'd taken it too far, made a huge mistake…

"Kamui?" He started. "What's wrong?" Subaru's eyes shown in the early afternoon sunlight. "What's wrong?" He repeated.

"I, I don't know," Kamui replied, truthfully, his voice small. They continued to stare at each other, eyes full of concern.

"Come lie down," Subaru said, patting the space beside him. Kamui wanted desperately to go to him, to curl up in his arms as he'd been longing to do for weeks, but…

'Does this make you happy? Do you feel heroic?' Kamui clenched his fists and his heart throbbed with fear and self-doubt. Subaru swallowed.

"Kamui…" Kamui shuddered at the hurt and worry in Subaru's voice.

"Sorry," he said, softly. He climbed into bed next to Subaru and they lay on their sides, facing each other. "Did I totally fuck this up?" He asked, still softly, after a few seconds. Subaru brushed his hair off his face and he inhaled deeply at the touch.

"Of course not! Whatever, whatever he said was just to be cruel, you know that." Subaru closed his eyes, feeling the memories in his chest, forcing the gaping chasm inside him wider and wider, but he wouldn't cry. He was done crying.

"I know that, but," Kamui's voice shook as he tried to hold back his tears. "I like you so much and it's like, everything is completely fucked." He swallowed and exhaled sharply, looking desperately at Subaru.

"It can't be helped," He replied, very quietly, cupping the side of Kamui's face.

"I'm sorry, I keep saying everything will be okay, and-"

"Then it will be," Subaru interrupted. Kamui looked at him in surprise. Subaru flushed slightly at his own tone, but his eyes were blazing again. "I've made my choice and I'll take the consequences." He swallowed and his hand trembled against Kamui's face, but he was determined. All Kamui could do was nod. The space between them ached and Subaru inched closer. Kamui swallowed, unable to look anywhere but at Subaru, his beautiful eyes, pale skin, soft part in his lips. He took a deep breath in and let it out slowly, his body and heart begging for it. Subaru bit his lip, unable to think, just feel, want…

"Subaru, I-" but Subaru pulled Kamui forward and kissed him full on the lips. Kamui inhaled sharply through his nose, smoke and soap and skin, and his entire body, mind and heart were ablaze with desire. He'd wanted this for so long, he'd needed this for so long. Subaru felt all the tension inside him drain out into Kamui's mouth as he moaned, his mind a blur of emotion and excitement. He was slipping away, faster and faster, towards oblivion, and not thinking, just feeling, was exactly what he wanted.

Kamui climbed on top of Subaru and thrust his hips against him, kissing him with unnerving passion. Subaru gripped the sides of Kamui's face and shoved his tongue into his mouth. His body was electrified with arousal; all he wanted was more. He wrapped his leg around Kamui's waist, urging him closer, creating more friction.

Kamui moaned into Subaru's mouth, desperate for his touch, but even as the pressure between his legs was enough to drive him crazy, he knew this wasn't right. He wrenched himself out of their kiss, but Subaru groaned and pulled him back in. "Wait, wait stop!" Kamui gasped, between kisses. At last he managed to pull away and looked down at Subaru, flushed and shivering.

"What's wrong?" Subaru gasped. Kamui caught his breath and rolled off of him with a sad moan, his body and heart furious even though his mind knew he had to. He reached out and gently cupped the side of Subaru's face, hating himself for his stunned, hurt expression.

"We, we can't," Kamui said, feeling like this was costing him everything he had.

"But, but I-" Subaru's mind spun in confusion and fear.

"Not like this," Kamui amended, his heart aching. He took Subaru's hand and kissed each knuckle, and Subaru let out a soft, needy cry that Kamui felt in his entire body. "Believe me, I, I want to," he said, trying to keep his wits about him as their desire for each other burned ever brighter. "I just, I like you so much," he continued, going furiously red and holding tight to Subaru's hand, making him blush too. "Like, I can't just hit it and quit it with you," he continued, gazing at him imploringly.

"What do you mean?" Subaru breathed. Kamui inhaled slowly, gathering himself.

"I can't just mess around with you and then go back to being friends or whatever. I don't want to just be a rebound." It was rather a scary thing to say, but Kamui knew he had to say it. He was done being used and not asking for more. He wanted Subaru, but only as an equal, a partner, a boyfriend. Subaru brushed Kamui's hair off his face, and knew this was yet another thing he would have kept a secret had they not skipped so many steps.

"I understand," he said, very softly, and he meant it. "I, I feel the same way." He blushed furiously. He knew Kamui was right, that they shouldn't let a split second's impulsive decision make everything weird. It would be hard, continuing not to act on their feelings, but ultimately it would be better. "Let's wait." Kamui smiled before straightening up and kissing Subaru tenderly on the forehead. "You'd never be just a replacement," Subaru continued, feeling hurt even by the suggestion. He sat up as well, looking Kamui hard in the face. "You've, you've always given me what I didn't even realize I needed. I could never think of you that way." The words caressed Kamui's heart and he rested his forehead against Subaru's.

"You mean that?"

"I mean it." All of the doubt and uncertainty that had filled Kamui since that morning was gone. He felt really grounded and present for the first time in days, and it was an enormous relief.

"Likewise," he replied, rubbing his cheek gently against Subaru's. Subaru inhaled deeply, feeling so connected. Kamui's words, touches and kisses seemed to soothe the pain in his chest, but slowly, from the inside out. Their relationship had always been that way, with compassion and intimacy and emotions taking root, then blossoming into the physical. In spite of himself, Subaru thought of Seishiro, taking him from the outside in while remaining forever impenetrable. What he had with Kamui was better, or at least, what he actually wanted. "I'm so glad I met you," Kamui said, softly. They stayed that way for a while, feeling connected, sharing energy. "You should unpack."

"Okay."

"Can I ask you something?" Kamui asked, after a while, watching Subaru put his clothes into his chest of drawers.

"Of course."

"Did you mean what you said, last night?" Subaru turned, hating to see Kamui looking so anxious.

"About staying here?" Kamui nodded.

"I'm going to talk to my sister, and see what she thinks," he began, even as the thought of it made him feel faint. "But," he locked eyes with Kamui, "I'd like to stay, if that's okay." All of the tension in Kamui's expression drained away and he smiled. "Not just for you, I mean," Subaru blushed, though the idea of leaving Kamui was almost too painful to think about. "I want to see what I can do for myself here too." Kamui's smile widened and his heart swelled. "I've spent too much time getting direction from other people, I think." Kamui's throat constricted and he nodded vigorously, the words hitting a raw nerve inside him. He thought of telling Subaru about losing his job, about how he too would need to start over, but resisted. He'd wait until he knew what would happen to Fuuma. Instead, he swallowed, and asked,

"Are you nervous about talking to your sister?" Subaru nodded gravely.

"She was so angry with me," he said, sounding almost awed.

"I'm guessing she's not as mad as you think she is," Kamui said, quietly.

"I hope so," Subaru sighed. "I'll call her tomorrow." Kamui reached out and took his hand reassuringly.

"Good."


Is anyone else smiling? Because I know I am!

I think about reviews when I summon my kekkai, leave me some!