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ஜ Chapter 5: Proximity ஜ
-Izaya´s point of view-
"Are you okay?"
... okay?
The raven blinked, the words somehow just entering his ears to leave again in a matter of seconds.
His throat constricted, but his tongue moved before he knew it.
"Shinra patched me up, I have been injured worse." It was easy. This answer.
It was an answer he could give.
But he knew that wasn´t what Shizu-chan meant. He had seen him on his couch. He almost bleed to death there if it weren´t for Shinra. Physically he was okay sort of at least.
Shizu-chan was looking at him. The cigarette he had smoked had long been extinguished. Hah, it was odd, usually his glances held that much more hate in them- but now? Now?
Swallowing hard Izaya tried to swallow the lump that returned to his throat yet again.
This was a stupid idea. What did he even come out here for?
Without a word he pushed himself off the ground turning around to his apartment- his hand touching the cool metal of the door handle-
"Izaya-" only to stop right there.
...
Silence took over the scene. Shizuo didn't know what to do. He wanted to do something. Literally anything- if just he knew what.
What was he supposed to say? Do?
But Izaya remained silent. Frozen in his movement.
Shizuo couldn´t read him.
He had never been that good at reading the flea´s real intentions in the first place- nor had he ever been good at looking through his lies- but right now, when the raven didn´t even say anything it seemed to be sheer impossible to know what he was thinking.
Shizuo had called his name- he wanted to apologize- he didn´t even know why, but he felt it was him that made Izaya turn towards his apartment.
Was he okay, huh?
What a stupid question. It was truly what he wanted to know- and yet. The way he put it was just so stupid he could punch himself for it.
He had meant to express so many different things. He didn't want to know if Izaya was okay god damn it- he wanted to know if he would be able to cope with it-
If he could deal with it somehow- just-
If he could return to the way he was before this happened. It was incredibly selfish and stupid.
What did he expect? A yes?
A, "Oh yeah I´m completely fine Shizu-chan." Really?
maybe a don´t worry on top of all?
Maybe he hoped for it. Some snappy remark or the good old flea asking him what happened to his brutish behavior.
Hell he would be glad for some sarcasm on Izaya´s part-
It had been stupid.
Just by looking at the flea he could tell that he was not okay.
His eyes still glassy from tears, dark shadows casting over his eyes- it was just his entire expression.
And then there were the band aids, the injuries. He seemed exhausted and tired despite just waking up an hour ago.
...
Going to sleep would probably be best for his injuries... and yet he was out here.
With him. Not even hiding that he had been crying...
...
No.
He wasn´t okay.
It was obvious.
Shizuo didn´t know what to do.
The silence just felt too heavy. Thick.
And all because of these assholes.
Anger welled up inside him once more- thinking about how he found Izaya- remembering that plead.
How Izaya asked to be killed- it made his blood boil- his hands tightening into tight fists-
The sole imagination of someone catching Izaya, grabbing him by his shoulders- holding him down against his will, forcing him on the cold ground- and hurting him- abusing him this way- he couldn't describe the rage he was feeling.
Whoever did that he was going to fucking murder.
He would fucking kill them. Of all the times he had yelled he would kill the flea he
had never had felt an urge strong enough to actually end someone´s life.
It almost scared him to be able to feel this amount of sole murderous intent-
And yet- Right now no matter how badly he wanted to kill these guys, it wouldn´t help Izaya in any way.
This anger he had, it was only in the way.
The flea was still just standing there, remaining frozen. He had neither moved nor said anything yet the silence still occupying the scene.
...
Izaya was tired of this. To put it bluntly- he had neither the patience, nor the concentration to deal with anything right now.
He couldn´t get himself to talk to the brute as usual. Couldn´t bring himself to make up jokes or things that would irritate him- nor could he talk about what happened at his apartment.
He couldn´t.
He was just so tired. Confused- feeling sad, angry, lost-
He couldn´t even decide on what he was feeling exactly.
If he could just concentrate and analyze what was going on with him, working through whatever- then it would be sort of okay, but like this-
He felt like he was suffocating with every moment he tried thinking about what to do only to remain entirely clueless.
And tired.
Extremely tired and exhausted.
He just wanted to shut down for now.
Like a computer when it started to lag or didn´t respond properly anymore.
Just sleep- and shut down.
"... I´m going to sleep." Only barely the blond caught the words, as the raven resumed his movement and opened the door.
Weary Izaya stepped back into his apartment but he didn´t close the door.
He could very well feel the presence of the blond, as well as hearing him stand up from the floor. Izaya wanted to be alone, and yet he didn´t want Shizu-chan to go away.
It was odd. Confusing.
Like this entire mush of feelings inside his chest.
Lips numb he spoke once more- he wanted to voice what he wanted and yet...
"... do whatever you want."
... he couldn´t bring himself to say this much.
He couldn´t.
He couldn´t tell Shizu-chan to stay.
His lips just didn´t move in that certain way.
He felt as if something would break if he overstepped that line.
It was up to Shizu-chan whether he closed the door and left- or...
Weary his legs carried him over to his all too familiar couch.
Letting himself slump down on the piece of furniture he let his arm cover his eye lids, engulfing him in darkness.
He didn´t want to see. Didn´t want to hear, didn´t want to think.
And yet he found his ears sharpening, trying to catch what the blond would do.
*click*
Softly he heard the door fall into its hinges- silence taking over the scene.
Tears threatened to fall as no sound indicating that he wasn´t alone now reached his ears.
He didn´t even know why, he didn´t understand his bodies actions anymore. He might as well have been laughing without knowing the reason.
And that's when he heard it.
"... tell me if you want me gone. I will leave right away." His voice, for once not yelling and thundering through the streets was fairly low, and deep. A gentle tune.
Not fitting monsters, Izaya found himself thinking as he felt the constricting feeling in his throat vanish. Darkness was still surrounding him, his eyelids covered by his own arm.
He didn´t need to see, to know that Shizu-chan approach the couch. The soft sound of cushions folding into each other met his ears- indicating the blond had sat down on the couch as well.
He was there.
Shizu-chan decided to stay after all.
He could feel the couch shift just the slightest bit from the added weigh on one side.
Shizu-chan was staying.
Just staying. Watching.
He was going to murder them. If those guys returned Shizu-chan would kill them.
It was oddly calming.
If anyone had told him he would feel at ease with the blond sitting mere centimeters away from him a week ago he would have admitted them to the next psychiatric clinic.
But now- having just the brute´s presence next to him was almost comforting in an odd way.
He wouldn´t go away.
He had no idea why. And he didn´t understand. but he was glad.
He was right there.
Shizu-chan was.
Right there.
...
Silence dominated the atmosphere. Only the soft ticking of what Shizuo made out to be a clock interrupted it.
Just that this time Shizuo didn´t feel the need to say anything- nor did he want Izaya to say anything.
It was a comforting silence.
The flea was laying next to him on the couch, one arm covering his eyes, the other resting a top of his waist. One leg propped up, leaning against the couch.
He shouldn´t pry anymore.
Shouldn´t ask unnecessary questions.
If Izaya wanted to talk then he would start to. If he wanted Shizuo to leave he would say so.
It was unnecessary to point out that he definitely felt more at ease riwhen he could actually see the flea.
... it was odd.
The sight of the flea always only set him into rage, yet now he couldn´t muster to even think badly of him.
He had framed him, annoyed him his whole life, tried to kill him more than just a couple times, and yet Shizuo couldn´t think bad of him.
Sitting here like this- it was far from normal. Somehow he wanted to act like normal- he wanted to chase the flea. Maybe yell a bit at him, have him run away-
Just... like normal.
Everything he did probably reminded Izaya of what happened- heck just him being here like this was something that only resulted from this-
He felt like he was suffocating in something that he couldn't escape. It was as if every sense of normality had gotten lost. It had to be bad.
If he were Izaya...
...
No.
He couldn´t even start to imagine what the flea had to be feeling like. He couldn´t compare this to anything he ever felt.
It would feel wrong- as if he were looking down on Izaya.
He had no idea what he was going through. And it scared him.
The flea hadn´t particularly been a man of sanity in the first place- not that he was crazy- more like...
They were alike.
Him and Izaya-
In a weird way.
They sought each other out- if Shizuo had ever wanted to seriously kill the flea he could have done it by now. And he knew the flea could have succeeded very well also.
He wasn´t stupid. He knew just how smart Izaya was and despite him saying that he always tried to seriously kill him, and that the monster just wouldn´t die- ... honestly speaking their fights only fuelled the fear everyone had of him.
Izaya was never supposed to die.
He was never even supposed to get seriously hurt-
And yet...
There was this fear.
This immense fear that this might have been too much for Izaya.
And the fear, that no matter what Shizuo did- he couldn´t change a damned thing if that was the case.
"... ne, Izaya," the blond mumbled softly to not startle the resting raven, breaking the curtain of silence that had wrapped around them. He glanced at the flea- he still wasn´t looking at him or anything just laying there resting.
No response followed.
"Izaya?"
No reaction.
Slowly, without making the smallest sound, Shizuo slipped off the couch, crouching down next to the flea´s face.
The flea...
Was he... sleeping?
... he really seemed to be. His breathing had evened out and his forearm had partly slipped off his face, revealing closed, but peaceful eyes.
Really. He seemed to be asleep. The blond released the breath he hadn´t realize he held, ditching the question on his lips.
He was glad somehow. The flea needed the rest. Just barging out of Shinra's place like this- there was no way all his injuries could have already healed completely.
... falling asleep here on the couch, probably wasn´t the best idea though.
It was just the couch, he didn´t even have a blanket nor did Shizuo believe was it all that comfortable. And yet- ... right now he looked peaceful. He couldn´t bring himself to wake the flea.
As quiet as possible the blond stepped away from the raven, heading towards what he believed to be Izaya's bedroom.
The stair creaked for a second, making Shizuo´s hair stand on ends- but the flea didn´t move or wake.
Pushing down some clothes that were scattered across the bed he pulled the blanket off the mattress. For a second he considered bringing Izaya up here instead of getting him just a blanket- but the thought of waking Izaya up made him screw the idea.
The flea deserved some peace.
Gently the blond let the blanket slip over the raven´s frame. By the time he came back the forearm had moved away from Izaya´s face, resting at his side instead- and also something else had moved.
The hoodie which was attached to the back of Izaya´s pullover had shifted, now revealing the white band aid covering the skin on his shoulder.
... he couldn´t leave him alone like this.
Just. It felt wrong to do that. Gently, trying to not wake the raven, he grasped the soft material, pulling it up once more.
The couch shifted softly, when the blond reverted to his initial position on the piece of furniture.
He would stay.
At least until Izaya told him to leave.
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End of chapter 5 C:
I hope this chapter wasn´t too disappointing- I know not much happened, and yes there was no real fluff yet- but I think just going and hugging Izaya would be about the worst thing Shizuo could do at the moment... :C But lemme work through this C: I promise it´s going to get better 3
Reader: Right? ;A; Poor Izaya... thank you C: I´m trying my best to still not make this too dark and yet picture it real- I swear no fic I wrote was as hard as this- I have a feeling Shizuo would really react like that- after all he wouldn´t know what to do so- just remaining exactly this way strikes me as something he would do C: And yeah, Shizuo was sorta bold with that question- he is beating himself up over it already though- then again, we do that a lot don´t we? We hear something really bad has happened, and we still go like "are you okay?" its sorta like Shizuo put it- he meant much more than that but didn´t know how to express it. If that made sense-gosh xD
Guest 2: Shizuo really is doing just the right things even though he doesn't even know what to do- And Izaya is an entire chapter in itself- but he knows he can trust Shizuo at least- he can trust him to stay true to his words and most of all, to not ask unnecessary questions (well except the are you okay one. cx) he trusts him
Well then~ I hope no one is disappointed and no worries- soon everything will get better I promise 3 I just don´t wanna mess up the pace-
See you on Sunday the 23rd~! Cx
