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Chapter 10: Helping

-Izaya´s point of view-

Shivers were crawling up and down the raven´s spine. He could feel his hands shake and his hair stand on ends. He didn´t know whether it was just the cold itself, from being soaked to the bone or perhaps something else that caused it.

Closing his eyes again his palm connected with his forehead.

"Why are you doing this Shizu-chan?" Ever since... that happened Shizu-chan had been so... odd.- just why? He didn´t get the blond.

Why was he acting like this? Why was he even here- just why?

Shizu-chan had always been the epitome of paradox and in terms of being unpredictable, but this certainly exceeded the raven´s craziest imagination.

Shizu-chan was supposed to be a violent, cruel man- not that he was one at heart but it was that appearance that everyone feared. The kind, emphatic, caring side of the blond was something only reserved for his closest friends, his brother, Shinra, Celty- but definitely not him.

"Killing them?" the blond asked, obviously not getting what the raven had been asking at all. It was this trait that the raven despised the very most of Shizu-chan´s many qualities.

That idiot didn´t even realize what exactly he was doing. He never realized when he acted out of place when he did things that just weren´t expected.

"No," Izaya responded softly. What he meant was just so much more than just that, although it was the icing of the cake.

He meant everything. Why was he here, why did he even agree to this sort of thing, why he was looking at him like that.

And the most important thing-

"Aren´t you mad at me?" The words came out more quiet than he wanted them to. Swallowing hard the raven continued, his voice fading out at the end. "Disgusted with what I said?" There was no doubt the blond had to be.

He didn´t even have an explanation why he said these things, why he accused Shizu-chan of- just no. Thinking about it afterwards he couldn´t even make sense of his actions.

"Disgusted?" Shizuo repeated, a frown carving itself into his forehead. The word itself made the blond cringe. But even more than getting angry the blond was just getting more and more worried.

He knew how to treat Izaya.

Usually.

Although that was already half a lie- because he didn´t know how to act towards the flea, it was Izaya who always adjusted to him and his shitty mood and anger. But right now he was just really trying his hardest to just not fuck up.

He didn´t know how to reach out for Izaya. He felt as though he was slipping away from him. He wouldn´t know where to, but it was just this feeling like he was losing something if he kept doing and saying the wrong things.

"Most people would be you know," Izaya mumbled, but deep down he already knew the answer anyway. He would call it instinct or maybe his guts, but that would remind him to much of a certain protozoan he didn´t want to compare himself to.

Shizu-chan visibly tensed just at his words and he could spot his fists clenching left and right to Shizu-chan´s side as if to try and remain calm.

It was... unexpected, but if Izaya didn´t know it better he might as well think that blond hated these assholes even more than he did.

"Good I´m not most people then." Shizuo said, trying to calm down for the sake of Izaya, he didn´t want to end up lashing out at the raven again. It was odd, when Izaya was near it had always been the opposite case, he could just let all his emotions loose and act on his impulses.

It didn´t matter because Izaya would never end up getting hurt by him. He had been too fast.

"I really wonder what´s going on in your head you know," Izaya mumbled, rubbing the last remains of his tears away. It was odd but he had calmed down a bit. Maybe it was because he was talking to someone? Maybe it was because he knew with Shizu-chan there nothing could happen to him?

The thought itself struck Izaya as weird the second he thought it- but it was true, wasn´t it?

While in the past, having the blond hovering in front of him like this would have probably triggered his brain into thinking up the fastest escape route, right now it seemed like the safest place on earth.

"Why are you even here now in the first place?" Izaya asked, and for once he felt as though he had some of the lost precious control back he loved so much. Nothing had changed, Shizu-chan was still Shizu-chan and he was still Izaya.

The degree of how not murderous Shizu-chan looked at him at the moment was not quite what he remembered but that aside- he almost felt nostalgic.

"Because I want to help." The answer came faster than Izaya had thought- though he had expected the response itself.

"Hmmm... I see."

... sometimes Shizuo really wished he could have a manual for life- for conversations, heck why not have one on Izaya himself.

Honesty was something the blond was keen on sticking too and yet with every answer he gave the raven he wondered if it was a good idea to answer with nothing but the truth-

The fear of Izaya reacting as badly as he had before was growing more and more with each ambiguous answer the flea gave.

Not fear.

Anything he could take from Izaya, hatred, anger, the worst things he could accuse him off, even the tears, but not the fear.

That moment, minutes before when Izaya backed away from him- with that glance- it horrified him to be completely honest.

All the people he had met in his life had at least once looked at him that way- every single one of them. He knew they were afraid to a certain degree- but not Izaya.

To think, that his actions caused the raven to look at him like that made his stomach drop and churn- twist in all the wrong ways.

He caused Izaya to freak out like this, it almost tore his chest apart, made him feel suffocated. He hated hurting people, he never wanted to hurt anyone, no one. Hurting others was something that caused him just as much pain as others- but right now he feared he might just be making matters worse.

Maybe Shinra was right, he had been all along, what did he even think he could do to help Izaya?

He didn´t even understand the flea. Not even Shinra did and that´s probably why he thought it was the best to let Izaya deal with this for himself for now.

Because Shizuo was only going to make it worse, wasn´t he?

He wanted to help, but if he did nothing but cause Izaya pain while trying to it would be best for him to just leave it.

Those assholes had taken something away from Izaya.

He couldn´t put a finger on what exactly it was- security perhaps?

...

... yeah.

Maybe it was exactly that-

Izaya had said it himself before. He couldn´t stay at his apartment alone. He didn´t need to say more than that for Shizuo to understand what he was pointing at.

And yet- it was so contradicting, wasn´t it?

If it were really fear that drove Izaya out of his apartment, then why walk all the way to Shinra? Just thinking about who could be lurking in the streets, and waiting for Izaya to pass by just once, made Shizuo´s blood run cold.

It was incredibly reckless and stupid.

And then again it wasn´t... Izaya had never been a man that wasn´t able to defend himself. The opposite, if anything then others should have been on the watch out for him.

He fought the craziest battles with him for fucks sake. No one else in the city even remotely dared to do what he did on a daily basis.

And he always got away on top of that.

Izaya wasn´t weak, Izaya was strong. And he knew that- it struck Shizuo as so contradicting that on one hand Izaya seemed to be so terribly afraid and confused and on the other hand so confident and out for revenge.

He didn´t think either of these two sides were an act even though they didn´t seemed like they could possibly mix in one mind.

Izaya had screamed at him, yelled at him, accused him of things that just made him want to yell at the flea and explain just why he would never do anything he said, and then just a second later he was like this.

So small, almost fragile, confused, sad-

He felt the need to treat Izaya as usual, maybe yell or something like they used to behave-

They never treated each other differently and yet now it seemed just wrong to try and do that- even though he just wanted to do it to make the flea go back to his old self.

...

Maybe that´s what annoyed him so much.

It was as if suddenly something in his mind had clicked and fallen into place.

So far he had been only doing the wrong thing, he had either pissed Izaya off or ... or scared him.

But when he thought about it- when he talked to Izaya in the hallway, when Izaya cried, he had tried to comfort him, somehow do something at least that might help- Izaya had let him. He had let him in his apartment. He didn´t snap, didn´t complain.

The morning he woke up Shizuo tried to do the same, but Izaya was angry, mad, just as he might be, were they in the same good old relationship they used to be in.

When he saw him in front of Shinra´s house it was as though he saw the Izaya from the night before again- and the help he offered was accepted easily.

In front of the client Izaya had hardened up again, reverted almost back to his good old self once more-

Izaya was trying to live on wasn´t he? He was trying to ignore what happened and go on like nothing ever happened to him.

But when he responded to the Izaya, that tried to act like normal, with caution and nice words, he lashed out.

It was like they didn´t mix.

It was like physics.

Shizuo wanted to help all the time, while Izaya was shifting between letting himself be comforted, and seeking for normality.

It was like negative and positive attraction. When he was mad and Izaya was mad it seemed to help Izaya come back to his feet. If Izaya was mad and he responded with an unusual amount of care that obviously resounded due to what happened, the raven lashed out.

When Izaya let himself care about what happened and Shizuo responded with comfort he accepted whatever he offered.

But- just like right now- when Izaya was caught up in the past and he - well he didn't act mad, but the frown he wore on his face and the quick movement he showed, and the way he just kept calling Izaya´s name and even yelled...

He was at fault the raven was now crying like this wasn´t he?

Not exactly at fault, since it was the assholes that caused everything in the first place, but right now, the one who triggered Izaya like this was him wasn´t it?

Izaya wasn´t as confusing as he thought.

The opposite, he had been clearly showing Shizuo the boundaries but the blond had just not noticed. Honestly speaking he felt stupid for only realizing it now.

And yet he was glad, because that meant Izaya wasn´t confusing or contradicting, it meant Shizuo wouldn´t accidentally cause the flea more pain by being around if he watched his behavior.

It meant he could stay.

And right now it was more than obvious what the raven needed- and it wasn´t the barking monstrous relationship they used to share.

"Izaya I want to help you."

The raven groaned softly, resting his forehead on his knees.

He wanted to shove Shizu-chan away, tell him to go and just leave him alone, and yet at the same time he wanted him to stay and not leave and just be there.

A soft headache assaulting him the raven frowned, letting his palm trail up to his throbbing temples.

"Well if you can really kill them for me, those bastards won´t be able to come back for another round at least. What more could I ask for?" He didn´t get it- Izaya didn´t get himself.

What did he even want from the blond?

He kept thinking he wanted him to fuck off and yet he was sitting here continuing to talk like he craved for the opposite.

"Whatever you want." And of course Shizu-chan didn´t really help clarifying his thoughts.

"That´s quite the vast offer Shizu-chan," the raven mumbled, letting his head thud against the wall behind him.

But Shizu-chan just kept looking at him, the worried frown was still in place.

He didn´t need anyone. He didn´t want to talk to anyone.

He just wanted to be alone- and yet he knew once Shizu-chan left and he was to be alone in his apartment this shitty feeling of being afraid, that stupid anxiety would return.

"Don´t you want to go home already? You don´t have to deal with me." Funny. The last thing he wanted was for Shizu-chan to just leave and yet he kept saying things that would lead to just that.

"You are right, I don´t have to," the blond answered, making it seem as though he was going to go now. He had to, didn´t he? There was no reason to stay. None at all, except he wanted to kill him like he always yelled he would, but like this- what on earth even connected them apart from their pure hatred?

"What are you waiting for then?" Izaya asked bitter while getting up from the ground. He had been sitting out here long enough already.

He expected Shizu-chan to light himself a cigarette and leave. Because what else was he supposed to do?

Nothing came to mind.

However, yet again the blond managed to surprise him.

"Ne Izaya, how about I become your bodyguard until you find the bastards?"

To be continued~

Finally I'm done urgh- I´m so sorry for taking so long to update! XC With university and lots of other stuff going on I literally didn´t notice how fast time passed xD Lmao I sound like an old granny

Anyway! Now I´m going to update regularly again, for real xDD

So next update will be out on Saturday (I´m changing my schedule to Saturday because I have university on Monday and that kinda sucks for posting shit xDDD)

On Saturday the 22nd C: April of course xDD Sorry for the long ass delay again C':

Guest 2: dawwww thank you really C: And thank you for your help trying to think of how to continue xD you were a huge help xD Daw yes I loved the mental break down too- lmao that makes me a sadistic evil person, doesn´t it? xDDDD But it´s just so hnnnn real C: and yeah he definitely didn´t really mean Shizuo when he asked if he wanted to well -coughs- Indeed he is connecting with Shizuo C: the only problem now is though, that Izaya wishes for Shizuo to somehow, you know connect back, like, its awkward and he feels like Shizuo shouldn´t be helping him for no reason, even though he is scared and confused his pride is still not letting his mouth speak as he would like it to C': Ahhh yes, it shook Shizuo pretty hard that izaya, THAT Izaya looked at him like all the other humans did for a second, with that glance of fear it really ticks him off C': I hope this chapter wasn´t too bad xD I will see how long I´m actually going to make this thought because I don´t think I will be able to write it for much longer C': I´m running out of hnnnnn the ability to write it? Yeah maybe something like that xD Next time let´s brainstorm about how this fic could end x'D

Oh and for anyone who is waiting for the next Bcd update, it will be coming out tomorrow xD For real 3 C:

Ps: I did a speed painting of my Shizaya profile pic xD if you want to watch it you just need to look for it on youtube, "Shizaya speed drawing Sinful Desire chap 3" or something xD you should find it pretty quick haha C':