Chapter Fifteen
{Cammie}
Despite my refusal to meet and date Josh, Bex still invited him to sit with us for lunch at school the following Monday, claiming that once I met him, I'd be thanking her for not listening to my protests. Although I knew that most definitely wouldn't be the case.
So, that's how I ended up sitting next to a boy with the waviest hair and the sweetest smile, while simultaneously sitting across from a boy with the deadliest of glares burning a hole into Josh's head. I couldn't say that I was pleased with the arrangement either, but as pissed and uncomfortable as I was, I couldn't say I was displeased with it. Josh ended up being really cool after we started talking, and he was everything Bex promised he was. He was cute and funny, and as much as Bex built up how sweet he was, he definitely lived up to my expectations. We talked about work and what we liked to do in our free time, and it turned out that we had a lot in common. I couldn't deny that had Zach not been in the picture, I would've definitely been interested in Josh. So, I flirted a little because it was so easy to with him, but I'd stop myself short every time because I'd catch sight of Zach and I'd remember that this thing with Josh was never going to go anywhere, and I didn't want to give him any reason to think otherwise.
I was walking to my locker after lunch let out when I heard my name being called. I turned to see Josh approaching, and I scolded myself for the automatic smile that appeared at the sight of him.
"Hey," he smiled once he reached me. "Care to show me where my next class is?"
"Haven't you been here a week?" I asked.
"Sometimes I still get lost," he told me with a flirty flare.
I laughed and agreed to escort him to his class, because even though I didn't want to date him, that didn't mean we couldn't be friends.
Once we were en route, I decided I needed to be honest with Josh and tell him where we stood, knowing that Bex had probably already told him something would arise from our little date.
Hesitantly, I started, "Hey, Josh? I need to talk to you about something."
"Okay," he replied, urging me to go on.
"I don't know what Bex told you, but I'm not really in the right place to be dating anyone right now," I explained, holding my breath for his reaction. He seemed cool and all, but who knew if his true colors would show once he was rejected.
But instead of blowing up on me for leading him on, he simply nodded his head. "Because you're in love with someone else, I know," he said matter-of-factly.
Shocked and also a bit panicked, I remained silent, although I'm sure my eyes tripled in size.
"This someone doesn't happen to be a certain brown-haired boy who wouldn't stop glaring at me the whole lunch, does it?" he asked, and I could tell that he knew that's exactly who it was, thanks to the teasing smile that was making its way across his pretty face.
"Zach and I are just friends, if you could even call it that," I explained, shaking my head. "We haven't been on the best of terms the past three years."
"Seems to me that that's changed," Josh said, raising an eyebrow at me.
"Yeah," I admitted with a sigh, and from the nod he gave me, I knew he understood exactly how things between Zach and I had changed. "And, um, if you could keep all this to yourself, I'd really appreciate it."
He chuckled and shook his head, as if he was laughing at me. "You haven't told your friends yet, have you?"
"Not all of them, no," I answered with a sheepish grin.
"I won't tell anyone," he promised. "But I guarantee they already know."
"It's that obvious?" I asked, more concerned than panicked this time.
Josh nodded. "More so for him than you, but yeah, it's that obvious," he explained.
I must've looked as confused as I felt, because Josh smiled and gave me a weird look. "Don't tell me you haven't noticed?" he asked, amused by my ignorance.
"Notice what?" I asked, obviously not seeing what it was that he apparently saw.
He hesitated for a second, as if thinking it over in his brain, before sighing. "I'm pretty sure he wants to be the one to tell you this, but since the looks he gives you do just that and you still haven't gotten it, I guess someone's gonna have to spell it out for you." He turned to me and looked me dead in the eye so I knew he was being serious. Slowly, as if talking to a child, he told me, "Zach's in love with you, Cammie."
I was hoping he'd say that, but now that he had, I didn't know how to respond. Clearly things between Zach and I had changed for the better, but just because we were getting along didn't mean he automatically had feelings for me. Sure, he didn't want me to date Josh, but that was probably just due to him fearing we'd have to stop whatever it was we were doing since I'd no longer be single and available. I mean, it was Zach we were talking about—there was no way he developed feelings for me in such a short time after the long years we spent purposefully trying to get the other to hate us. We were just trying to salvage our friendship—not build a romance.
I couldn't fault Josh for thinking otherwise considering he had no clue what our dynamics were the past three years. He just thought he was being nice.
"No offence, Josh, but you don't really know what's going on between Zach and I," I told him, although it hurt (just a smidge) to destroy the small hope I had acquired at his words. "It's not…like that. We agreed that no feelings were to get involved."
"But like you said, things have changed," Josh challenged.
I shook my head. "Not that much."
"But you're in love with him?" he clarified.
And reluctantly, I nodded, because I had to admit that I royally screwed up, and it's easier to do that to a stranger than to someone who knows the impact it could have.
"Are you going to tell him?" he asked, frowning.
"I don't know. Maybe," I told him with a shrug, knowing it was a lie.
Josh knew it, too, and he gave me a rather disappointed look.
"No," I admitted the truth. "What we're doing, although it's not real…it's enough. I don't want to ruin it." I hated how ashamed my voice sounded, but then I realized how ashamed I truly felt, and I hated it even more. How had I let myself stray this far down a path I knew I needed to avoid? Not only did I fall in love with Zach, but I was completely fine with him taking advantage of me without having the same feelings in return.
"Cammie," Josh's voice was soft, and I couldn't help but feel more embarrassed by his pity. "You're only getting half of what you deserve. Don't you want to be with someone who truly loves you?"
"Half of Zach is…enough," I repeated, however sad and disturbed it was that it was true.
Josh laughed humorlessly. "That's pretty fucked up, Cam," he told me, and although it was crude and vulgar, it described my situation perfectly.
I didn't have to say anything for him to know I agreed. I'm sure it was clearly written across my face how clueless I'd been during my time with Zach. And after listening to what Josh had to say, and with such disappointment despite only knowing me for a full lunch period, I realized that half of Zach wasn't enough anymore. I wanted more than what we were doing—than what he was giving me. I wanted a full, real relationship with Zach, Macey's promise be damned. And if he couldn't give that to me, then I couldn't keep going. I couldn't keep pretending like I was fine—happy even—with our no-strings-attached fling.
"Well," Josh said, stopping in front of his classroom that I hadn't even paid close enough attention to be able to lead him to. "I hope everything works out for you guys." He gave me a sad smile, and I knew what he was trying to say; that he hoped I didn't end up hurt.
I wanted to say that everything would be okay, but I knew that it was way too late for that kind of lie. There was no escaping the agony that would surely come.
At this point, I was just waiting on the inevitable.
::*::*::*::
{Zach}
I needed Cammie at my house that night after watching her flirt shamelessly with fucking Josh Abrams, the sweetest and most perfect guy in the world for her (according to Bex). Even if it were to watch a dumb chick-flick movie, I just needed the reassurance that it was me she was spending that evening with, and that I hadn't completely lost her to that fucker.
Cammie curled up into my side once we started the movie, although she was a bit stiff and she tensed up anytime I tried to touch her. Eventually, she allowed me to drape my arm around her, and she seemed to relax after a few minutes of me twirling her hair with my fingers, but she was still obviously on edge. I was afraid that maybe she was pulling away because of a growing attraction she had for Josh, but she assured me there was nothing between them, and there never would be.
I didn't miss the spark in her eye when I practically growled, "Good," and kissed the shit out of her to remind her that she was mine, but what the flicker meant I wasn't sure. It almost resembled that of growing hope, but it could've easily been (and more likely was) growing desire for what our nights usually consisted of. Besides, what was it she'd have hope for?
Halfway through the movie, my phone buzzed with an incoming text, and I had to refrain from groaning at the name that appeared on my screen to prevent Cammie from asking questions.
Aubree: What's going on with you and Cammie Morgan?
Me: What are you talking about?
Aubree: Jessica says Cam's car is in your driveway.
Of course. Jessica, who was one of Aubree's best friends, lived across the street and a few houses down from me. She must've told Aubree that Cammie was here and, apparently, Aubree wasn't exactly thrilled, although she had no reason to be angry.
Me: We're just hanging out. We're friends, is that not allowed?
Aubree: Since when are you two FRIENDS?
Just from reading her last message, I could feel the exaggerated eye roll that no doubt accompanied it. I decided not to respond anymore and to just focus on being with Cammie.
After a few minutes, Aubree texted back, obviously not appreciating being ignored.
Aubree: Are you guys hooking up?
Aubree: Is she the reason you didn't want to get back together?!
Again, I ignored her. I didn't have to explain myself or my relationships to her. I owed her nothing.
But either that didn't register with her, or she didn't care, because she sent me another text despite my lack of responses.
Aubree: Remember when we talked about making mistakes? Well, you just made a huge one.
I'd heard enough empty threats from her during the two years we dated to know she was just angry. I turned off my phone so she couldn't text me again and ruin my night while I had my arms wrapped around the girl of my dreams.
After the movie ended, I put in another one—one that didn't matter because I was through with ignoring my craving for Cammie's touch. It didn't take long before we completely abandoned the movie and got ourselves tangled up with each other.
Laying on the couch with her smaller figure under my bigger and harder one, my hands trailed down the length of her, needing to feel more of her flesh under my skin. Usually whenever we made out, I did things to her because I enjoyed it, and I loved listening to her reactions to my touch; a small moan or an intake of air as she gasped.
But this time, I did things because I needed to. I needed to know that what was happening was real, and that she was still here with me. Seeing her with Josh at lunch had made me realize that someone else could come along and sweep her away—could give her something I couldn't. One day, she was going to wake up and realize that, and I was going to be left behind like this thing between us didn't even matter. And maybe for her, it didn't—maybe to her, we were just temporary, like we'd been saying all along.
But I didn't want us to end. Not yet. Nothing had ever felt this good, not even what I had with Aubree. Being with Cammie was something completely different than I'd ever experienced, and I knew no other girl would have this effect on me again. Only Cammie could kiss me and it be this fiery and this electric.
At the same time, though, I knew I couldn't give her a real relationship, and even if that wasn't what she wanted right now, eventually she would. I just hoped, for my sake, that time would be way into the future.
I softly kissed her lips, then trailed my mouth down her cheek and along her neck, hoping that she knew—and at the same time, praying that she didn't know—just how scared I was to watch her and Josh talk about all the things she and I never discussed, or laugh about the things they had in common that I didn't understand. I knew that he was probably a better fit for her than I ever would be, but the selfish part of me hoped she never realized that and she would, instead, chose to be kissing me rather than be dating him.
Just as she seemed to be understanding what my mouth would not say, she gently shoved me off her and sat up out from under me.
"Cam, what's wrong?" I asked in concern, noticing the panicked expression on her otherwise flawless face.
"I just…don't feel good," she said lamely, obviously using it as an excuse to leave. "I should probably go."
"Wait, Cammie," I exclaimed, reaching out and grabbing hold of her elbow. "Talk to me."
She shook her head. "It's nothing, Zach. I just need to leave," she said, avoiding my eyes the whole time as she stood up and grabbed her stuff.
"This isn't gonna work if we don't communicate," I scolded her, slightly angry at her for choosing that moment to be unpredictable, and for my lack of ability to read her like a book like I had come to do sometime within the past few weeks.
"This isn't real," she exclaimed, turning around at the front door and her gaze immediately zeroing in on me. "It's not like we're in love or anything. We're not even in a fucking relationship, so why does it matter if I communicate or not?"
I winced at the brash word coming from her usually classy mouth. Fuck was not a word I liked hearing coming from Cammie, especially with the venom she used to spit it and mock me with.
"Why are you acting like this?" I asked, not even bothering to try to hide the hurt in my voice.
"Because…because I can't accept halfway anymore. Not when I've given you everything," she answered, her voice cracking slightly, and the complete vulnerability on her face actually physically hurt to look at.
"What are you talking about?" I asked, trying to sound calm whereas she sounded frantic and erratic.
"I deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me. Really be with me, not just behind closed doors," she continued as if I hadn't even spoken, and whatever argument was ready to roll off my tongue died when I heard her words. I halted where I stood and just looked at her, stunned in place.
It was like my worst nightmare was coming true. This was it. This was when she realized she wanted more. Although I'd been expecting it, I never imagined how hard it would be to hear, much less accept, that she was done with me.
"I deserve to be with someone who wants to see me because he misses me, not just because he wants to hook up. Someone who cares about me and wants to make me happy, and who I can make happy. Someone who actually loves me back."
I could've said I was that guy. She was looking at me like she wanted me to say I was that guy—practically begging me with those big, desperate, beautiful blue eyes to say I was that guy. I knew all I had to do was say it and she'd believe me. She'd put her things down, walk into my open arms, wrap herself around me, and stay. It'd be easy. All I had to do was say it…
But I couldn't. Not because it wasn't true, but because she didn't deserve for it to be true. Cammie deserved the best, and like she said before our little arrangement, I was number eight on her list—right above Declan. I was barely better than the dumbass who my cousin for some reason chose to date, and she deserved way better than that. It didn't matter that right now, I was who she wanted. I would always be the jerk who tormented her throughout high school, and who made her life a living hell. I knew I wasn't good enough the moment I met her, and after three years of being a complete ass to her, I knew I never would be.
"I'm sorry," I told her, my voice strained as if all my emotions were caught in my throat and were blocking my words.
Tears had begun to well up in Cammie's eyes as she looked at me, her mouth opening and closing like she wanted to say something but nothing was coming out.
The pain on her face was enough for me to want to explain why I wouldn't say how I truly felt, but I knew I couldn't. If I did, she'd try to tell me how wrong I was and that she's already forgiven me for our past. And I couldn't let her settle for anything less than what she deserved.
Instead, I told her, "Like you said, you deserve someone who loves you, and I can't stand in your way of finding him." I tried to keep the anguish out of my voice, because she'd know the truth if I had let it show. I hated myself for pretending like what I was saying had no effect on me, especially when it was clearly breaking her heart as she fought to hold back her sobs.
She didn't say anything after that. She just turned and stormed out the door, wiping at her tear-streaked cheeks and sniffling to keep herself from crying out loud.
And I held back sobs of my own as it felt like little pieces of my heart were breaking away the further she walked from me.
::*::*::*::
{Cammie}
I didn't understand how Zach couldn't get the hint that I was in love with him. I practically spelt it out for him! And yet, he still didn't comprehend that I was meaning him when I was talking about the guy who I wanted and deserved.
Or maybe he did and he just didn't love me back? Maybe that's why he ended things between us and let me leave his place bawling through the pain of my shattered heart.
As quickly as I bolted from his house, I jumped in my car and started the engine, not being able to get out of there fast enough. Although I probably should have waited until I was calm and thinking clearly before speeding away, I just wanted to get home.
I hated myself for falling for him even though I knew I shouldn't have, despite all my warnings to keep my distance so that this exact thing didn't happen. I tried so hard in the beginning to protect myself from his charm and keep myself guarded, but the prick convinced me that if I was too busy worrying about what might happen in the future I wasn't enjoying the present, and I removed all my walls so that I could appreciate everything he had to offer. I bet this was his plan all along—to get me to trust him and fall in love with him, just so he could rip my heart out and stomp on it until there was nothing left. He sure didn't seem too troubled while I was standing in front of him, crying, and he was as emotionless as a rock. I was such an idiot. A huge fucking idiot. I had no one to blame but myself for falling for his manipulative ways.
While I was in the middle of cursing all that was Zachary Goode, I heard a car blare its horn and I was snapped back to Earth and what was happening around me.
And that's when the bright lights smashed into me and everything went black.
I know I've made Cammie and Zach go back and forth waaaaay too much in this story (pssh, in this chapter alone!), but oh well. That's what I get for not having it all planned out before I started writing lol. My bad.
Let me know what you guys think about the angst-iness of this chapter! I've had so many awesome reviews throughout this whole story, so thank you all for being so supportive (: and I hope this chapter didn't disappoint y'all.
Stay awesome (:
