Nobody Knows When My Birthday Is
Joey loves Mondays. Where everyone else grumbles and moans about the brand-new work week set to begin, getting back to the grind and complaining about their bosses, Joey simply sees a day with nothing to do but take care of Joey.
On a typical Monday, depending on whether or not he had sex the night before, Joey would sleep late, emerging from his bedroom hours after everyone else was already gone. He would make his way over to the kitchen and indulge in one of his favorite breakfast cereals, reading the box while he ate. He loved reading his cereal boxes. They had jokes, riddles, word scrambles, picture games, giveaways, mazes, and fun words for him to try and pronounce listed in the ingredients. "Riboflavin? There's no rib flavor in frosted flakes!" It did not matter how many times he read the same box, it never ceased to entertain him.
After breakfast, he would walk across the hall to see if Monica was still home. She worked late on Mondays and would always have something for lunch available around noon. He would usually walk in on her cleaning something. She would be there in the living room with the vacuum cleaner running or furniture polish and a rag in her hands. He would make some small talk with her and hang around for a little while as she put him to work; moving the couch or coffee table so she could clean underneath them or maybe even dusting the tops of the cabinets for her so she didn't have to climb up on the kitchen counters. When he was done, she would present him with something tasty and salty and savory for lunch. He would put together a plate of whatever she prepared, bringing it back to his place so he could eat in front of the television.
However, when he checked in this afternoon, no one was there. Worse than that, there was no food out on the table. He called out, knocked on the bathroom and bedroom doors, but he found no one. He finally decided to search through the refrigerator, hoping to find something he could eat for lunch. He selected some leftover beef noodle thing Monica had made for Rachel's party on Saturday. Looking around one last time and shrugging his shoulders, Joey grabbed the container of food, snatched a fork out of the cutlery drawer, and carried it back to his apartment.
After lunch, Joey would normally indulge in his third favorite activity after sex and food; sitting in his chair, watching television. He loved to relax the day away in Rosita. She would gently nuzzle him tightly between her armrests and he would find something familiar to watch as he drifted in and out of sleep; napping the day away until his acting class at six.
Today, after he finished up the bowl of food he took from Monica's fridge, Joey decided to spend some quality time with the duck, who had been waddling around the living room aimlessly for the past hour. He took the bird into his arms and settled down comfortably in his Barcalounger, pulling the duck onto his lap. The duck seemed to be enjoying Joey's gentle petting and gave off the occasional, responsive onomatopoeia.
After flipping through the channels for a few minutes, Joey stopped on the E! Network and became engrossed in the show that he stumbled upon. Women in bikinis were interviewing other women in bikinis. It seemed to be some sort of travel show about beaches in foreign countries. Half of which, he had never heard of. He stopped paying attention to what they were saying and instead would tell the duck which of the women in any given shot were his favorites and in what order he would do them in. As far as he was concerned, this might have been his most productive Monday afternoon in weeks.
As he was about to catalog the next group of women on the television screen, the apartment door swung open wildly and he swiveled around to see who it was. Monica lumbered in, a worried and frantic expression on her face. She collapsed into the other chair, glance quickly at Joey, the duck and the TV, causing her to twist her face up in disgust once she realized what Joey has been watching. Joey, shook his head vehemently, an embarrassed look on his face, and he placed the duck back on the floor; the bird waddled its way into the bathroom. "That wasn't what it looked like!"
Monica huffed and shook her head, frustration seeping out of every pore. "Joe. I need your help. I have to do something special for Chandler's birthday."
Joey looked over at her puzzled; he had no idea why she was so worked up. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm a terrible girlfriend. I forgot about my boyfriend's birthday!" She slumped down in the chair, her face completely expressing the dejection found in her words.
Joey leaned forward and looked over at her sympathetically. "You're not a terrible girlfriend. So you forgot his birthday. Big deal. Do you know how much hotter than him you are? Being hot will always trump being forgetful."
Monica rolled her eyes. "C'mon Joe. I'm serious. What can I do to make this up to him? What does he want? Has he told you anything?"
Joey looked up; a serious expression appeared on his face as he pondered her question. "What can you do? What does he want?" A sudden wash of discovery overtook his entire being as he pointed at her excitedly. "Oh! I know! You could play naked Twister. Or maybe naked Monopoly? Ooo! Naked Uno!"
Monica glared at him, exasperated by his suggestions. "Joey! Maybe some ideas that aren't naked games."
Joe sat back, deflated and shrugged his shoulders. "Doesn't sound like a happy birthday to me without any naked games."
Monica, trying to ignore his last statement, sat up. "Okay, what did we do for him last year?"
Joey, looking unconcerned, shook his head. "Nothing."
Monica, a little surprised, reached her hand across and placed it on Joey's forearm. "Really? Well what about the year before that?"
Joey, with the same unconcerned look simply repeated himself. "Nothing."
Monica pulled back and sat up. Her neck stiff and her eyes wide in disbelief. "Have we ever celebrated his birthday?"
Joey, again lifted his eyes to the ceiling in deep thought. "Um, no. Ooo, but I did buy him a cake three years ago. Except I ate it before he came home from work. Wow. I haven't thought about that cake in a long time. I wonder if that place is still open."
Monica slapped his arm to regain his focus. "Joey! We have to do something. Are you telling me we never celebrated his birthday? Ever? What about that dinner we had, it was like three years ago?"
Joey nodded and started to smile. "Oh that. Yeah, that was for Rachel. But look, don't feel bad. He hasn't celebrated a birthday since his parent's started forgetting about it when he was ten or so."
Monica stood up, almost shaking; upset with herself and angry at everyone else over this revelation. "Are you serious? He hasn't had a birthday since he was nine years old? Why didn't I know about this?"
Joey sat back, putting his hands behind his head triumphantly. "Well, maybe I'm just closer to Chandler than you are. I am his best friend, you know."
Monica folded her arms and allowed a wry smirk to form on her lips. "Joe, I had sex with him twice this morning. I'm pretty sure I am closer to him than you are."
Joey allowed a salacious grin to spread across his lips as he looked her up and down, impressed by her admission. "Niiiiice." He then sat back up. "Why are you getting so bent out of shape about this? He doesn't make a big deal out of it. It's just Chandler."
Monica looked around the room in disbelief, as if she couldn't understand why Joey didn't see how important this was. "It's a big deal to me. Maybe when your friends don't remember your birthday you can get over it. But I'm his girlfriend. I can't forget about his birthday. Plus, you know, I love him and I want him to have a good birthday." She sat back down, slapping the arms of Chandler's chair in frustration. She then perked up and looked over at Joey, the beginnings of a plan already formulating in her mind. "Okay. So, the last birthday he celebrated was when?"
"Uh, when he was nine. I'm pretty sure he said when he turned ten his parents never showed up and the cleaning lady bought him a twinkie."
Monica nodded slowly. "Okay, so I have to make up for twenty years of birthdays." She stood back up, the challenge of planning twenty birthday celebrations, each one better than the last, kicked her competitive side into overdrive. Her hands flew out and her fingers stretched in excitement as adrenaline pumped through her veins. "Oh man! I have to start planning right away! I am going to throw him the best twenty birthdays ever!" She was overtaken with giddy enthusiasm.
Joey got out of the Barcalounger and stood up, swept up in her fervor. An excited grin spread across his face. "That sounds great! Ooo! You know what he really likes? Strippers. You should get him a stripper for his birthday." Joey began rubbing his hands together in a lascivious manner.
Monica, her energy slightly dampened for a moment by his suggestion, offered him a sigh in response. "Joey. Is that what he likes or is that what you like?"
Joey, an indignant expression falling over his face, turned away from her and stormed back to his chair in defeat. "We like the same things you know!"
Joey returned home Monday night after his acting class, a little bummed that the cute girl who started showing up the last few weeks wasn't there tonight. He could not remember her name, which she had told him several times last week when they were performing a theater exercise together. He knew he wanted to try and take her out on a date. He just needed to figure out how to get her to tell him her name again without catching on that he had forgotten it. The last time this happened he just called the girl "you" and "lady" throughout the date. It got very awkward when they were having sex and she passionately implored him to say her name. He could only mumble some incoherent words until she called him out on it and kicked him out of her apartment.
As he walked past the kitchen, He threw his coat on the back of his Barcalounger and dropped his keys in the bowl on the counter. He looked around the darkened apartment, seeing no signs of anyone else being home. It is still taking him some time to get used to Chandler having a girlfriend and not being around as much as he usually was. Normally, Chandler would be here when Joey got home, ready to order some food and play a game of foosball. They would brainstorm on how to tackle his latest problem with the girl from acting class, and then end the night watching a movie. But lately, Joey has found himself alone most evenings. Even when Chandler and Monica were in the apartment, they tended to disappear to his room early in the evening, leaving Joey to watch television alone, eating whatever was leftover from their dinner together.
He thought about opening the refrigerator, to see if there was anything in there for him to eat, when he heard some noises coming from Chandler's room. He cocked his head like a dog on the hunt, trying to ascertain if what he was hearing were sex noises, but their voices were too low and the conversation too succinct for them to be engaged in any kind of sexual act. Feeling confident he wouldn't be interrupting anything important, Joey pondered if he could talk them into ordering some Chinese food. He decided to walk over to the door and knocked lightly, just in case his sexual detective skills were not as sharp as he thought. "Hey, guys. You decent?"
He heard Chandler mumble something as Monica called out from the other side of the door, "Sure Joe, c'mon in."
He entered the room slowly, seeing Monica and Chandler seated across from each other on his bed, their legs folded underneath them. There was an empty plate between them on the bedspread. Monica had a fork in her hand and Chandler appeared to be eating something. Joey could easily ascertain there was a cake in the room, thanks to the crumbs on the plate. "What'cha guys doing?"
Monica handed Chandler a napkin so he could wipe his mouth. "Birthday number one! I took Chandler to a movie and made him a cake."
Chandler smiled, still swallowing down a mouthful of rich chocolate cake, unable to speak. Joey's face adopted a boyish look of disappointment. "Oh man. I like cake and movies. What did you guys see?"
Monica placed the fork back on the plate and rested the plate on the end table. "We saw this Matrix movie with…"
Joey jumped in and cut her off. "Keanu Reeves! Dude! You saw that without me?"
Chandler, still unable to answer, tried to make an apologetic face as he nodded reluctantly. Monica turned to face Joey. "I'm sorry Joe, but it's his birthday."
Joey shook his head, turned around and started to walk out of the room. "Oh man. Keanu Reeves and chocolate cake and no one thinks about Joey?"
Chandler, finally finished with the large piece of cake he was trying to swallow, offered his friend a smile. "There's an extra piece in the fridge for you buddy."
Joey clapped his hands together and hopped off, giddy with excitement, closing the bedroom door behind him.
On Wednesday morning, Joey was sitting at the kitchen table in Monica's apartment, eating some cereal he had brought over. Once he discovered that the milk in the boy's refrigerator was almost solid and clearly inedible, he decided to eat across the hall, even though Ross and Phoebe rarely showed up for breakfast on Wednesday mornings.
When he got there, he saw that Chandler was already dressed for work in a dark blue suit. He was reading the paper while he sipped at some coffee. He could hear the shower running and assumed it was Rachel, allowing a suggestive smile to spread across his lips at the thought of his friend naked in the next room. Monica was sitting next to Chandler and had a different section of the paper for herself. She was picking at a grapefruit she had sliced in half which was resting in a bowl in front of her. "Okay, so what time can you take lunch?"
Chandler, not looking up from his paper, hesitated for only a few seconds before answering. "I can take lunch at one. Does that work for you?"
Monica nodded as she looked off to the side, formulating her plan for the day. "Sure. I can be at your office at one."
Joey looked up at them, shaking his head. "What are you guys talking about?"
Monica put her part of the paper down and filled a glass with some juice. "I'm bringing Chandler lunch at work today to celebrate birthday number three."
Chandler folded his paper down so he could look at her. "Mon, you really don't have to do this. These last two nights were more than enough. I don't need twenty birthdays."
"Chandler. I know I don't have to do this. I want to do this. Oh, and I almost forgot. I also got you this." She handed him a small, gift-wrapped box that was sitting in the empty chair next to her.
Joey watched the two of them as they looked at each other, both of them still holding onto the box. Their faces beaming with childlike happiness. He almost felt uncomfortable, as if he were trespassing on some private moment, even though the three of them have been having breakfast together for years.
This moment seemed different. It felt different. For the first time it no longer felt like Joey and Monica and Chandler eating a meal together. Now it was Joey and Monica&Chandler. They were now one unit with a singular purpose. Suddenly, Joey was well aware that he was now the third wheel in this dynamic. He felt oddly out of place and wondered if this is how Chandler had always felt; all those nights Joe would bring back a girl. He decided he needed to break the tension he was feeling and blurted out. "Hey, I like lunch and presents."
Monica chuckled at Joey as she attentively watched Chandler as he opened his present. He smiled over at her, sniggering as he slowly and methodically removed the wrapping paper. When he finally opened the box, he revealed a sharp looking blue and grey tie inside. Monica began to stammer a bit. "I know it isn't much, but I have to do seventeen more of these!"
Chandler brushed off her concern with a smile. "Mon, it's great. And seriously, you don't have to buy me anymore presents."
Joey rolled his eyes up to the ceiling and whispered at Monica. "Naked twister. I told you, naked twister."
Monica shook her head and suppressed a grin as Chandler got up and removed the tie he was wearing, replacing it with the new one Monica bought. "I love it. I'm going to wear it today."
Monica clapped her hands together and smiled. As she got up to walk over to Chandler, she wrapped her arms around him. "Happy Birthday." Joey looked on, the uncomfortable feeling dissipated and he felt this comforting warmth as he basked in the glow of their affection for each other.
Chandler walked over to the bathroom in his apartment and poked his head through the frame. "So, Joe, you got a hot date tonight. I guess you'll be out all night, huh?" Chandler rubbed his hands together as he tried to gauge his roommate's reaction.
Joey, startled at first, as Chandler's head popped up into view while he was in the bathroom, shrugged his shoulders and continued to style his hair. "Oh yeah. This gorgeous chick who was on line at the dry cleaners. I'm going to take her out to a nice dinner, show her how classy I can be, and then we're gonna doink."
Chandler's head tilted and his eyes narrowed as he tried to reconcile the two conflicting statements in Joey's response. "Doink Joe? Way to stay classy."
"I could have said doing it. Oh, and uh, do you have like eighty bucks I can borrow for tonight. Classy restaurants cost way more than pizza joints."
Chandler shook his head and reached into his pocket, pulling out his wallet and filtering through some cash. He counted off a few twenty-dollar bills and handed them over. "So, you'll be out all night, right?"
Joey, stopped playing with his hair and turned to face Chandler as he stuffed the money in his pocket. "Dude. What is going on?"
"Monica is buying me porn for birthday number ten tonight! We're going to order food, watch porn, and then…well…we're probably going to doink."
Joey's face immediately dropped into an envious depression. "Porn for your birthday! I don't think any girl has ever bought me porn. I mean, one time, this one girl I dated shot a porn, but no, never bought me one."
Chandler bounced around, side-to-side on the balls of his feet. Barely able to contain his excitement. "I know! How great is she?"
"Dammit. I love food and porn! How come no one is buying me any of that?"
Chandler stopped celebrating and looked over at his friend incredulously. "Joe, you're going to dinner with a woman and you are probably going to have sex tonight."
Joey allowed a slightly embarrassed smile to appear as he looked down. "Oh yeah, you're right."
The following Wednesday, Joey was walking back into the apartment building after an audition. He was feeling bummed out, certain he blew it. He had fudged a few lines and tried to use an Irish accent that sounded more like an offensive Asian impression. When the casting director looked at the other two people sitting at the table across from him, he saw "the look" that he has become very used to seeing. The look that said, "thanks, but no thanks", "we'll call you" and "you're just not right for this part." He was just about to open the door to the lobby when he saw Monica and Chandler walking towards him, on their way out. They smiled at him once they saw him standing by the entrance. "Hey guys, what're you up to? I was just gonna see if anyone wanted to go eat and watch a movie."
Monica flashed a sympathetic smile and Chandler put his hand on Joey's shoulder. "I'm sorry Joe, Monica got us a reservation for dinner tonight. It's birthday number twelve."
Monica looked up at Chandler, her eyes sparkling as she giggled softly. "Yep. Twelve birthdays. That makes you twenty-one. Look at that Joe, our boys finally old enough to drink."
Joey, looking slightly forlorn, offered them a weak smile. "Oh. Okay, well you guys have fun. You know, when I turned twenty-one I had my first three-way."
Chandler raised an eyebrow and looked over at Monica suggestively. She shook her head and playfully jabbed him in the ribs. "Sorry big guy. Just two-way sex tonight."
It was late, well after two in the morning, and Chandler opened the door quietly, hoping that if Joey were home, he would not wake him up as he entered the apartment. When he turned around after gently closing the door, he was surprised to see Joey still fully dressed, with two boxes of pizza on the counter. "Hey Joe, I didn't know if you'd be awake."
Joey looked up from his feast and smiled at his roommate. "Oh yeah, I went on that date with the girl from my acting class. But I forgot her name and got kicked out of her apartment. Why does this keep happening to me? Why can't all women have the same name? Do you know how much easier that would be?"
Chandler looked down and suppressed a chuckle. He pointed at the pizza on the counter. "Joey special?"
Joey nodded and spun a box around, opening it up to offer Chandler a slice. "How was your night? What birthday was this?"
"Nineteen. It was great. It was...it was….I don't know. It's hard to describe. Life changing." Chandler grabbed a slice and took a bite. A serene, euphoric look on his face as he stared off to the side.
"What, did you two do it in a new place or something?"
Chandler's face immediately sank at Joey's question. "No, we just went out for some drinks after Monica's shift and she took me to this club where this really great swing band was playing, and it was amazing. They were really good, and we danced all night."
Joey, a look of surprised doubt on his face, jabbed his slice of pizza in Chandler's direction. "You danced? Like real dancing? Not that flapping thing you do?" Joey began to imitate Chandler's odd dancing style, bending his arms and rocking his hands back-and-forth out of rhythm.
Chandler shook his head. "Yes Joe. Real dancing. And, I don't know. I feel like everything is different now. There was this moment and…you know what. Never mind. It was great though."
"Well, you did miss out on a lot of birthdays. Celebrating nineteen in a row must be really exciting."
Chandler, slightly surprised at Joey's astute observation shakes his head in response. "It isn't just that. It's just...ah…I don't know. It's hard to explain. I just, everything felt right tonight. I feel like I see things with me and Mon really clearly now."
Joey smiled and reached over, putting his hand on Chandler's shoulder. "You guys are really good together. I mean, I always knew that, but these last few weeks, seeing you guys all excited to hang out every day, even though you've been with each other non-stop." Joey paused for a moment, trying to figure out what to say next. "I guess, I never saw anyone fall in love like how you guys are."
Chandler pulls out another slice of pizza. "Sure you have Joe. I've had girlfriends before. Monica had boyfriends."
"This is different. You guys know each other so well already, and with those other girls, you might have gone a few days in-between seeing them. But with Monica, you guys see each other every day and it never gets old for you guys. You just left her like ten minutes ago and tomorrow morning, the two of you will be excited to see each other all over again."
Chandler smiled as he looked down, pondering his words carefully. "Yeah, but, what about Ross and Rachel? You saw them together all the time."
Joey stepped back for a moment and paced into the living room. "I know, but they're different. Sure, Ross and Rachel are always going to be Ross and Rachel. But he was in love with her before I knew either one of them. With you guys, it's like I get to see it all happen in real time. You guys falling in love, and it isn't some sappy thing. It just seems so real and natural. What you guys have, it's what everybody is looking for."
They stood there, quietly for a few moments, neither one knowing how to move forward. Both feeling slightly awkward at the direction their conversation had spun. Joey, physically shuddered to alleviate the intimacy of the moment and decided to shift gears. "Anyway, what number birthday are you guys up to now?"
Chandler exhaled and chuckled at the same time. "Tomorrow is the last one, but it is also Monica's birthday. I think with planning twenty birthday for me, she forgot about herself. We're going to dinner and I bought her these knives she was looking at the other day."
Joey looked over at Chandler, his face betraying his skepticism. "Knives? You know she's a woman, right?"
Chandler hopped past him and into his bedroom, excited and giddy. "Yeah! We were at the coffee house and she was looking through this catalog and showed them to me." He charged back out holding a large bag that he placed down on the counter and unzipped it. "She said it was a top of the line professional set that she always wanted but couldn't afford. I'm probably going to be paying these off for years, but I can't wait for her to see these!"
Joey watched as his friend continued extolling the virtues of the knives he had purchased. He sat down, a new slice of pizza in hand, making sure to appear engaged in the conversation. He could not help smiling, seeing Chandler in a state of jubilation over something as mundane as a bunch of knives. It was the same with Monica, when she first brought up her plan of the twenty birthdays. His two best friends, happier than he had ever seen them, and that happiness wasn't because of something they were getting from the other; it because of what they were giving to each other. It was at that moment Joey knew. They were going to last forever.
