Backfire

It was less than an hour into the ride-along with Phoebe's friends and Gary was already regretting it. He has had to listen to these three men argue, play pranks on each other, make bad jokes, whine, talk like the worst stereotype of a television cop, ask for several bathroom breaks, and now Joey was buying himself a sandwich. "Can I really call them men? They're more like overgrown children!" He really thought this ride-along was a good idea, and being nice to Phoebe's friends always earned him some points with her, but now, he is going to make sure she hears everything about tonight. Every last detail of how he suffered.

Gary had a hunch this might not be an easy night, having spent a little bit of time with these three already. So, as a precaution, he made sure to push most of his more important case work for the evening onto one of the other detectives at the precinct. It cost him a hundred dollars, but he knew there was no way he would get any real work done tonight, and the reward he would receive from Phoebe for taking care of her friends, would make it well worth parting with some cash.

He did arrange a few stops. Mostly to revisit a couple of witnesses and take down their statements again; just to see if they remembered anything else that they might have left out when he spoke to them previously. He also planned to only respond to non-violent crimes for most of the night, but even that didn't guarantee it would go smoothly with these three knuckleheads. They had just gotten finished dealing with a store owner who was filing a vandalism report and that was a chore unto itself, that took way too much time. Juggling his own questions for the man and having to deal with Ross talking like he was on an episode of "NYPD Blue", Joey wondering if he could buy some food, and Chandler needing reassurance that the vandals were not likely to come back and "try something".

At first, when Joey asked, it made sense to him. The guy was an actor. Gary had driven plenty of actors around in his time, those who were actively researching a role anyway. Then Ross jumped in, and he figured, what the heck, sure. But then, Chandler wanted to go, and Gary knew right then, he had bitten off much more than he could chew. Having three civilians in his car at the same time wasn't ideal, but he didn't want to say no in front of Phoebe. So, he tried to at least get Chandler to back down, and it looked like coming out at night spooked him a bit, but not enough to fully rescind his request. Not enough to spare Gary from hearing him mutter about shadows on the street that look suspicious every time the car comes to a stop.

Ross wasn't any better. He asked a million questions. "What's this? Where do you keep your bullets? What happens if you have to take someone down?" He touched everything, wondering if there were secret compartments all over the car. It was maddening.

And now, here he was, waiting on the side of the road for Joey to come back with what he called, "the greatest sandwich in New York". The guy actually started to yell when he realized where they were and begged Gary to stop, banging his hands on the back of the seat like he was playing the drums. Ridiculous. How these guys got any girl to sleep with them was beyond Gary's comprehension.

Well, maybe he could kind of see it with Joey. He had that quasi-macho Italian thing going on, and no doubt, being an actor helped. "As long as Joey doesn't talk, he probably does all right." Ross seemed way too wishy washy and nerdy to ever know what to do with a woman. Yet, Phoebe told him that Ross was not only married twice but also dated Rachel. "Maybe he has money." Chandler though, he did not get. The guy could not exude less masculine energy if he tried. He was a little squirmy, laughed at his own jokes way too much, and didn't seem to have a backbone at all. Yet, he was with Monica. "Kudos to him, she is pretty hot. Well, some girls do go for that wimpy type. I guess".

Although, if Monica was taking pity on him, Gary hasn't seen it. He has been watching them these last few weeks and she doesn't come across that way, it seems really genuine from her. Even tonight, when he came to pick them up, Monica insisted on walking him out to the car, where they spent a good five minutes saying goodnight. You'd think she thought he was going off to war instead of a glorified three-hour driving tour of Manhattan. Yet there they were, practically ignoring everyone else while they talked. Arms wrapped around each other, sharing several kisses. It was cute, but it also meant that Chandler definitely was not listening to Gary's instructions before they got in the car.

Not that there was anything to really worry about. Gary would never put any civilian in a dangerous environment; although, he did think it would be fun to mess with them a little bit. While they were still waiting for Joey to return to the car, Gary looked over and saw a clip board with the waivers they needed to sign shoved between the center console and the passenger seat. That seemed like as good an opportunity as any to freak them out about how "dangerous" a ride-along could be. Plus, Phoebe loved messing with her friends and would probably get a kick out of it when he told her later tonight.

Gary's mood was just starting to lift at the idea of scaring the guys when Joey came back into his car and brought him back down again with that damn sandwich. Gary could smell it right away, and knew that scent was going to linger in the car long after tonight. The meatballs, the cheese, the sauce; it was so pungent that Gary could have sworn him, and not Joey, was eating it. Now he will have to park down the street if he wants to surprise this one witness on his list; Joey's sandwich will give them away otherwise. "These three might actually get me killed tonight. Is he unwrapping that back there? No way! He is not getting sauce and cheese all over my back seat!"


Gary glanced into the rearview mirror, watching Joey and Chandler make fun of Ross now that he joined them in the backseat. "I can't believe I had to actually punish one of these guys.". He shook his head. One more stop. One more stop and he could take these three clowns back home; better yet, he would just drop them off at the coffee shop where he is meeting Phoebe tonight. Let her hear all about how idiotic they are.

At least with the three of them back there he could concentrate on actually doing his job. He just had one more guy to find. A witness who was supposed to show up at the station two days ago and leave a statement. When the guy never showed, Gary stopped by his place of work, but he must have skipped out when he saw Gary show up. Now he wonders if the guy is flaking out on him, and he really needs his statement for this case. His last option was to try him at his home. See if he could catch him on the way in or out instead of knocking on the door and having him hide out inside until Gary had to give up and leave. He knew that it shouldn't be a problem, even with the three stooges in the backseat, unless one of them starts to make too much noise.

Soon enough, just as Gary had anticipated, he watched the witness park his car and get out as he started to walk towards his home. He was just about to tell the guys to wait in the car so he could step out and confront the guy, when Gary noticed he seems a little suspicious. Moving back and forth, looking over his shoulder, checking inside a garbage can. He was acting weird, and Gary did not feel comfortable approaching him with Ross, Joey and Chandler in the car. He decided to watch and try to get the guys in the back to stay quiet; but that was impossible once they heard that loud bang. Even Gary jumped at first, but he knew right away it wasn't a gun shot. When he turned around, he couldn't help but be impressed by Joey. Diving to cover Ross. Maybe these guys weren't a total lost cause. They are a little immature; but they might be good guys after all.


Once they were back at the Perk, Gary made sure to get his kiss from Phoebe first, and then they told her the entire story of the backfire. Gary decided to cut the guys some slack. Being a cop, sometimes you forget not everyone has had the same training as you. These guys never went on a stake out, they never heard a gun shot in real life; why not be a good sport and let them have this one. Ross seemed really affected by it in a positive way, and Joey was getting some well-deserved praise. Gary figured he might as well be the good guy and not ruin it by complaining about them later. Let Phoebe think her friend could have been a hero.

The only one who didn't seem to be enjoying himself was Chandler. He was grumpy and dismissive of everything. It was kind of annoying to hear him make jokes and try and take the wind out of Joey's sails like that. What is the harm in letting the guy feel good about himself? He was about to say something, but then Chandler got up, huffed a bit, and left. "Jeez, that guy is moody."


Phoebe wrapped her arm around Gary as they stepped out onto the street. "So, where do you want to eat?"

"I don't care. You pick baby." Gary looks down and flashes her a smile. He knew he was probably in for some wild vegan restaurant that didn't serve a big enough portion for him, but he really didn't care. As long as he and Phoebe were together, that was all that mattered to him. In fact, he would be completely enraptured by her right now, except Chandler's behavior at the coffee shop is just nagging at the back of his mind. Not allowing him to let it go. "Hey, why do you think Chandler was so grumpy?"

Phoebe raises her eyebrows and tilts her head. "I don't know. He probably just missed Monica. Those two are practically connected at the hip."

"Yeah, I noticed that. They're always together, all arm-in-arm and stuff. I guess they really like each other. Don't you think it's too much?"

"I don't know. I think it's sweet that they miss being together."

Gary, looking perplexed, takes a moment to gather his thoughts. "Really? But they live right across the hall from each other. How much can they really miss each other."

Phoebe rolls her eyes and scoffs. "I know. They see each other every day, they sleep together, have all their meals together. They've been doing that for years when they were just friends, but now," She paused for a moment and smiles as she looks down. "Now it just seems to make them want to be around each other even more. Almost like the more they see each other the stronger their need to be together is. It's a little crazy. They even wake up together in the same bed almost every morning, it is almost like they are practically living together already."

"Really?"

"Well, I don't know if it is exactly the same. I haven't actually lived with anyone. I guess though, I can see how it would be nice to come home and someone always being there. Waiting for you. Like a puppy, only its a guy you get to have sex with."

They walk in silence for a few minutes. Gary, still preoccupied with Monica and Chandler and trying to figure out how their relationship works. He starts and stops himself a few times, but then finally finds the words he was looking for. "So, what you're saying is that being around each other so much; days, nights, weekends. It makes them even more close? Like, it makes their relationship stronger knowing that they are always going to be together? I mean, if you see someone first thing in the morning, you kind of have to see each other even when you don't look too good. And with all of that, they still want to be around each other all the time?"

Phoebe shrugs her shoulders and giggles. "Yeah, I guess something like that. Oooo. I know. Let's go eat at Café Delmonico. They have a great vegetarian menu!"

"Whatever you say sweetheart." Gary wasn't even sure what Phoebe just said. His mind was already processing all the information he had just received. "Chandler was grouchy all night because he wanted to be with his woman. And because of how close they live to each other; they get to see each other all the time. And Phoebe thinks it makes their relationship even stronger. I want that. I want us to be as close as they are. So, there's only one thing to do; I'm going to ask Phoebe to move in with me!"