WARNING: THERE IS POTENTIALLY DISTURBING MATERIAL IN THIS CHAPTER. This story has a few serious moments. This story as a WHOLE was done mainly for humor (but it DOES have a serious plot).

Don't say I didn't warn you.

~:~

"Hokage-sama, Naruto's in a coma," reported one of his ANBU. "Uzumaki Kiana has been taken into custody, and Naruto-san's being looked over by a Yakushi Kabuto."

"Good, very good. Bring the Uzumaki woman here," the Hokage instructed sharply.

His ANBU bowed and vanished, then returned with a pinched-looking Uzumaki Kiana.

"It's my fault," the Uzumaki woman said, looking older than Hiruzen did for once. "My fault. It has to be." She looked at the Hokage. "A seal chose her, and I asked her to find someone who was alive."

A seal.

"Will she be all right? Konoha needs her -"

"No, you don't," the Uzumaki snapped, shutting him up. "You hurt her all her life and you expect her loyalty. Well, guess what? The only loyalty that exists within her is the fact that the Uzumakis have always been allies of Konoha. If the Uzumaki-Senju alliance didn't exist, then I would snatch the girl up and take her away."

The Uzumaki woman stood up, still glaring at Hiruzen.

"Now an innocent child lies in the hospital because of both me and you."

She swept out of the room, unhindered.

~:~

Naruto didn't know how long until the man grew bored of her and evicted her out of his head. She only knew that when he did do that, he was annoyed at her and literally kicked her out.

She woke up to the smell of antiseptic and a bespectacled boy talking to a snake-man.

She screamed. LOUDLY. The only word that came to her mind.

"RAPE!"

~:~

When word came someone was screaming 'rape' inside a hospital he was supposed to be recovering in, Hatake Kakashi was the first one at the scene.

Of course, seeing an S-Rank Missing-Nin inside his sensei's daughter's recovering room, you could understand why he did the first thing that came to mind when he saw the creepy pedophilic man trying to restrain her.

He launched himself, with an uncovered Sharingan eye, at the S-Rank Missing-Nin and bodily slammed him down. As soon as he stopped touching the sunny-haired girl, he used his formidable doujutsu and sent him to another dimension. Then he did the same with the suddenly scared-shitless Yakushi Kabuto.

When he looked at the blonde, she still looked panicked, but she wasn't screaming anymore.

"You okay?" he asked her after a beat.

"Fine," his sensei's daughter said. "I don't even know why I screamed that." She looked disgusted with herself. "Where's Aunt Kiana?"

A woman with as red hair as Kushina appeared, bursting into the room with two other kids.

"Shithead!" the pinkette cried, sounding genuinely distressed. "How are you? Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," Naruto assured them. "Karin, what's -"

"I felt two chakra signatures here," the one with glasses said with a frown. "A poisonous one and a... Slimy one."

"Ah, that would've been the nurse who was watching over her and Orochimaru," Kakashi said after a beat of silence. "Just out of curiosity, madam, did you know an Uzumaki Kushina?"

The woman smiled, looking miraculously younger than she had when she'd entered moments ago. "Of course! She was my niece, three times removed. Or something like that." She grinned. "You must be a Hatake. You know, you're one of the offspring of one of the Royal clan members of our tribe. Of course, with them not having as great of a prowess with Sealing, they decided to leave the Uzumaki clan and call themselves the Hatake."

Kakashi had not known that. "Err..." He wondered if Lady Uzumaki was possibly going senile, as they had met before. Then again, he hadn't recognized her until now, so...

"Does that mean I could reinstate him as a branch clan of the Uzumaki?" Naruto asked eagerly.

"I thought you knew because of your time as Uzumaki Kazama," the woman frowned.

Naruto shrugged. "I know a lot about the clan, I don't know everything. Like, for instance, the Holy Food is to be eaten once a day and at least two bowls are to be eaten if your tastebuds like the Holy Food."

All three of the other Uzumakis nodded solemnly.

Kakashi swallowed. "If I eat it every day I might get sick of it," he warned them.

"Oh, that's okay," Naruto nodded. "Law 45 of the Holy Food Amendment was given. Eat it at least once a week and ye shall be considered an Uzumaki."

Utterly. Fucking. Insane.

Kakashi liked it.

"May I join it?"