Don't Say You're Sorry With Porn
Once Phoebe realizes that Ross had only called her boring in a dream, everything finally seems to be back to normal with the group. Well, almost everything. Joey is still gone and he is still angry at Chandler, and now he will not even talk to him. Hanging up the phone before Chandler can even get a word in. "Guys, seriously. What should I do? Do you think I could convince Joey that I said all that stuff in a dream too?"
Monica shakes her head and tries not to laugh at his joke, preferring to take the rift between her boyfriend and his roommate seriously. She leans over the back of the couch and runs her hands across his shoulders and then down his chest, resting her chin on the top of his head. "Well, if we don't send porn, could we deliver him some food? How many pizzas does it take to say 'I'm sorry'?"
Chandler nods, "You know. That's not a bad idea."
Phoebe scrunches her face as if in protest. "I don't know. Have you ever had pizza in Vegas? It's not very good. It definitely isn't anything like New York pizza. He might think you were mad at him and trying to get back at him for kicking you out of the car."
Chandler reluctantly nods in agreement. "That's true."
Ross sits down on the arm of the chair next to Phoebe and allows his fingers to dance on his chin while he thinks. "Do we even know where he is going to be staying?"
Chandler rolls his eyes. "No, he was going to stay in my room with me when we got there. For all I know, he is sleeping in the cab. All cold and hungry. We have got to find him."
Phoebe shakes her head. "Oh, I would not sleep in the cab if I were him. That's where Mr. Patchy Bear sleeps."
The other three friends all look at each other, sharing raised eyebrows and confused expressions. Chandler raises his index finger, gesturing to them to give him a minute. "That's okay. I'll ask." He turns to face Phoebe. "Who exactly is Mr. Patchy Bear?"
"Oh, he is this sweet little raccoon that lives under the front seat. Well, he isn't that little, and he isn't so much as sweet as he is scratchy. Oh, maybe I should have named him Mr. Scratchy Bear!"
Ross looks at Monica and Chandler, his eyes wide with horror. "Phoebe! You can't let a raccoon live in your grandmother's cab!"
Phoebe points up at him sternly. "Do you want to go back on my list? Because this is how you go back on my list!" She then turns to Monica. "By the way, did you find my list?"
"Joe? Joey? Ugh!" Monica clicks off the receiver and glares at it. "He couldn't even say goodbye?"
Just then, the door to her apartment opens and Chandler walks in. "Hey cutie! Who were you talking to?"
Monica rolls her eyes. "It was Joey, but he rushed off the phone before I could even talk to him about you guys. He just wanted me to tell you how you were wrong about the movie."
Chandler gesticulates and shakes his head. "Oh man! I have got to talk to him and get this all straightened out. Don't you have caller ID or something? I know! We could star sixty-nine him and call back."
Monica smiles and nods, clearly impressed by Chandler's resourcefulness. "Oh, that is a great idea! You are so smart!" Chandler smiles proudly as Monica turns the receiver back on and presses down on a few keys. "Ooo, it's ringing!" Chandler watches her, his eyes wide with nervous anticipation as she bounces her head side-to-side while she waits for someone to answer. She then looks up excitedly at him. "Oh, someone finally picked up! Hello! Is Joey there? Caesar's Palace? Oh, okay, well, thank you." She looks back at Chandler as she hangs up. "It was Caesar's Palace."
Chandler stares at her and can't help himself from offering back a sarcastic response. "Yeah, I kind of got that when you said 'Caesar's Palace' during the phone call."
Monica narrows her eyes and points at the front door. "You already got kicked out of a car by your best friend. Do you want to get kicked out of an apartment by your girlfriend too?"
Chandler gestures apologetically with his hands and huffs. "Well, at least now we know where he is staying. I guess I could send something there. Do you have any ideas?"
Monica reaches over and takes Chandler by the hand. "Not yet, but we will think of something."
He plays with her fingers and looks down. "I just don't want him to stay mad at me. He has to know I support him."
Monica squeezes his shoulder and leans in, wrapping her arms around his waist for a tight hug. "Oh honey, everybody knows you support him. You dragged us all to that first terrible play he ever did. The one that was four hours long and he had like three lines. I didn't know who I wanted to strangle more, him for being in it or you for making me go."
Chandler laughs. "I know. I just wish he would let me talk to him. I know if we just talked, he would forgive me."
"I think it's sweet that you are so worried about him. I promise you we will figure this out. Now look, Ross and Phoebe should be here any minute to help with Rachel. Let's take care of that now and then we can take care of Joey later."
Chandler smirks. "Will there ever come a day where we don't have to take care of those two?"
Monica shrugs. "Probably not."
Monica stirs a bit and reaches across the bed in search of her boyfriend's body, wanting to pull herself closer to him for warmth. She blindly moves her hand around only to find his side of the bed empty. Lifting her head, she opens her eyes to confirm that he is indeed, gone. She turns her head and looks over at the clock noting that it is half-past two in the morning. Blinking her eyes a few times until her vision adjusts to the darkness, she then slowly slides her body out of bed. She takes her robe down from the hook on the back of her door and slips it on, tightening the sash as she walks out of her room. She darts her eyes around the apartment, but finds it empty. She moves closer to the bathroom to knock, but stops herself when she notices that there is no light peeking out from under the door.
Realizing that Chandler is obviously no longer there, she decides to step out into the hallway and quietly opens the door to Chandler and Joey's apartment, finding Chandler pacing in the living room with the phone up to his ear. He is speaking softly, yet there is a sharp tone to his words. "What do you mean you won't give out the room number of a guest. Well, what is the policy if it were an emergency? Can you at least tell me if he's staying there? Ugh. Well then how do I send something to someone staying at your casino if I don't know the room number or if they are even there? I order it from the casino? Do you guys have porn in the gift shop?"
Monica grabs Chandler by the arm, tugging on it insistently. "What are you doing?"
He lowers the phone and covers the mouthpiece with his hand. "I couldn't sleep. I thought maybe I would call the casino and have them transfer me to his room but they won't do that unless I know the room number."
"Well, what are you doing now?"
"They said I can buy something from the gift shop there and then they would send it to his room."
Monica purses her lips and waves him off. "Oh, don't do that. It's a scam and a rip off. Don't be a sucker! That's how those places grift the rubes!"
"Mon, do you always talk like a street tough from a 1920s gang at two in the morning, or is this a special occasion."
Monica impatiently shakes her head and takes the phone from Chandler. "Hello? No thank you! We won't be paying five times the amount for some crappy souvenir." She hangs up and shoots him an irritated glare. "Will you please let me handle this. I will figure out what to do about Joey, okay?"
Chandler, still looking slightly apprehensive, eventually relents and nods. "Okay."
Monica offers him a sweet smile and reaches her hand out to ruffle his hair gently. "Let's go back to bed." She grabs the back of his neck and pulls him in for a desperate kiss. "I was worried about you. Never leave me alone in bed like that without telling me. I thought something terrible happened."
"Something terrible did happen. I was a lousy friend."
"Oh, stop it." She laces her fingers around his and leads him back out of his apartment and across the hall. "Let's see if we can get your mind off of Joey for a little while."
Ross sitting with his arms folded, leans back against the couch at Central Perk and looks off to the side. "What about jewelry?"
Chandler offers a slight scowl and shakes his head. "I did get her this necklace I think she will like, but I already bought her some jewelry since we stared dating. I want to get her something special, something that shows her how much I get her. Something that only someone who really loves her would buy her. I mean, any jerk can buy a pair of earrings."
Ross scoffs. "You couldn't."
Chandler glares at him but decides to let the verbal jab slide.
Rachel sits up as her eyes widen with discovery. "Oh, I know. Tickets to a show!"
Chandler bounces his head side-to-side as he contemplates her suggestion. "We did that already too. Plus, that's more my thing than hers." he suddenly becomes self-conscious and stammers a bit. "I mean...uh...eww plays." He waves his arms emphatically at his friends. "Come on people, this is special. We've been together for a year. Neither one of us has been in a relationship this long. It has to be special and from the heart. So, please, won't one of you tell me what my heart wants to buy her."
Phoebe straightens up, an excited look on her face. "Ooo! You could get her pregnant. A baby is pretty special. And it would be one of a kind, and it would show her that you know her."
Ross and Chandler look over at each other and shake their heads. "Yeah, Pheebs, maybe a gift that doesn't involve me having a panic attack or that makes Ross think about his best friend and his sister having sex."
Ross twists his face in disgust. "Oh man, I wasn't thinking about that until right now!"
Chandler stomps his feet down. "See, this is why I wish Joey were still talking to me."
Rachel laughs is disbelief. "Why? How would he know what to get her?"
Chandler shakes his head. "Oh no, he wouldn't know what to get her. His suggestions are always so bad, that I would just think of the opposite of what he said and buy that. It works every time."
Phoebe raises her hand. "Oh, okay. I can do Joey."
Rachel smirks. "Joey would probably be on board with that Pheebs."
"Oh, I know." Phoebe sits back, a smug expression on her face, and attempts to imitate Joey's voice. "Hey, Chandler. How about you get Mon a pizza."
Chandler shakes his head. "No. He'd never suggest that. It is too obvious. Plus, the last time he bought pizza as a gift, he ate it all before he could give it to me."
Rachel gestures with her hands for everyone to look at her as a prideful smile stretches across her lips. "Oh, I know what he would say." She then deepens her voice, trying her own Joey impersonation. "Hey, how about you let her sleep with me for one night."
Chandler reluctantly nods. "That actually does sound like something he would say." He then stands up and grabs his coat. "Ahhhh! I'll figure it out. Maybe if I go for a walk I'll see something."
Chandler exchanges a quick goodbye with everyone and exits the coffee shop. He looks up wistfully at his apartment building across the street. "Great, now I am going to disappoint two people who live in there." He turns and starts to walk, looking in the windows of the shops as they pass by. "Hmm, a dry cleaner. Do they do tours?" He shakes his head and keeps walking. "Bakery, no. Wine? Well, getting her drunk would probably be more of a gift for me."
He puts his head down and continues his slow stride, past doctor's offices, restaurants, clothing stores, cigar shops and ice cream parlors. Nothing seems to be sparking his imagination. He turns for a moment and contemplates going home until his eyes stop on the display window of an electronics store across the street. A triumphant smile spreads across his lips. Without regard for his own safety he jogs across the street, dodging cyclists, cars and yellow taxi-cabs, until he is close enough to place the palms of his hands on the glass of the store window. His face beams with pride as he smiles again. Stepping back, he does a little victory dance, pumping his fists in the air. He darts his eyes back-and-forth until he finds the door to the shop and hurries in.
A salesman, noticing Chandler's desperate expression, walks over to him. "Hello sir, can I help you?"
Chandler begins to emphatically point at the front window display. "Yes! Yes! I would like to see that electronic Brother P-Touch label maker you have in the window! I need the best label maker I can find! Top of the line, no expense spared!"
Monica stretches her legs out over Chandler's lap as they sit in on the couch together in her apartment. She wiggles her toes, trying to entice him to give her a foot massage. "So, what do you want to do tonight?"
Chandler, taking the bait, begins to rub her feet, taking care to apply a comfortable, yet firm amount of pressure to each one. "Well, I was thinking, maybe we could call Caesars Palace again and try to track down Joey."
Monica shakes her head as she offers him a sympathetic look. "Chandler…."
"No. Not like before. I was thinking maybe you call this time. He might take your call if he thinks you're a woman."
Monica's tone sharpens as she feels slighted by his careless words. "I am a woman. What else would he think I am?"
Chandler flashes an apologetic look. "You know what I mean."
"Chandler. You just have to wait for him to call you okay. All this worrying is no good for you." She pulls her feet from his lap and sits up to place a kiss on his cheek. "But I love how much you care about this."
"It's been almost a week now. What if he ran out of money? He can't live without his two breakfasts. Or what if he is stuck in some crappy motel. I'd hate to think something bad happened to him all because we're fighting over some stupid thing I said that I don't even mean!"
Monica can't help but pull herself closer to him, wanting to wrap him up in her arms as his concern for Joey endears him to her. "You are so cute when you worry like this." She sits back a bit and bites on her thumbnail. "So, would you be this worried if it was me who wasn't talking to you?"
Chandler allows a sly expression to fall over his face as his eyes almost seem to glint from the light in the room. "Well, I don't think we would go this long without talking."
"Why not?"
"Because you like sex too much."
Monica sits up and pulls her feet underneath her. She narrows her eyes in admonishment. "What? Are you saying that I can't stay mad at you? Because I might be getting mad at you right now!"
Chandler leans into her and starts to speak softly. "Well, see, if you were mad at me I would just kiss you here." He places a small kiss between her earlobe and her jawline, allowing his lips to linger there as his breath warms her skin. "And then I would put my hand here." He lets his hand gently drop to her thigh and slowly glides it up and around her hip until it rests on the top of her buttocks, squeezing her softly with each movement. "Then I would look you in the eyes like this." He allows his face to grow still and earnest as he slowly leans in towards her lips, never breaking eye contact with her mouth. Her pupils dilate and her breath shortens in anticipation of their kiss. He stops himself just before their lips touch, so close she almost shivers in suspense. "Then I would say something like, Monica, I love how you stacked the cans in the cabinet over the sink by size. Have you ever thought about doing it in alphabetical order too?"
Monica, unable to control herself, wraps her arms around his neck and pulls him in until their lips crash together. She only pushes him away long enough to breathlessly utter. "Let's do this!" before she pulls him down on top of her.
"Joey, you really should talk to Chandler. He feels terrible about it." Monica bites her lip, hoping she can finally talk some sense into him.
"Well, good. You know, he should feel bad. After everything I've done for him!"
"Like what?"
"Uh, well…I answered his ad and moved in. Without me he wouldn't even have a roommate, he would just have a room."
Monica's brow wrinkles in confusion as she tries to make sense of what he just said. "Joe, you have to work this out." Chandler steps into the apartment and Monica looks up, signaling him over to her. "Look, he just walked in, why don't you let me put you two on now and we can clear this whole thing up…Joe? Joey? Oh man, he hung up again!"
"When is he going to let this go?"
"I'm sorry honey. I wish I knew what to do."
"Well, at least I put some money in his bank account. This way if he needs to use his ATM card, they'll be something there."
"How did you put money in his account? Do you have his checkbook?"
"No, but at the bank around the corner, he scratched his account number under the counter where they keep the pens."
Monica nods. "That sounds about right."
Monica exits her bathroom wearing just her robe. Steam from her shower billowing into the room before she can close the door behind her. She looks over into the living room. Chandler is handing the phone back to Phoebe with a smile on his face as Rachel watches on. She turns towards Chandler and bounces over to him. "Hey. You look happy."
"Yeah, I just got off the phone with Joey! He sounded really strange, but he said all is forgiven."
Monica slides onto his lap as she puts her arms around his neck. "See! I told you it would work out."
Chandler smiles and leans in for a quick kiss. "I guess so. He really does not want anyone to go out to see him though. He must be really busy."
Monica looks down for a moment. "Oh, really?"
"Yeah, he seemed pretty clear on that."
Monica begins to shrink a bit and slips off his lap, tightening her robe and nervously playing with her hair. "Oh well, good thing nobody is going out there then. So, uh, I'm going to get dressed. I'll see you after work?"
Chandler gets up quickly from the couch and rubs her arms from her shoulders to her elbows. "Hey, is everything okay? You seem nervous."
"Nervous? Me? Nooo. I just wanted to make sure Phoebe remembered to meet us here so we can all go out for dinner."
Phoebe turns around and looks at Monica. "Huh?"
"You know, dinner. We talked about it the other day." Monica looks over at her friend apprehensively.
"Oh, yeah. Sure. Dinner." Phoebe nods and sits down on the end of the coffee table.
Chandler looks back-and-forth between the two women and shrugs his shoulders. "Okay, well I'm off. I love you."
They share a quick kiss and he turns on his heels quickly, exiting the apartment.
Monica mimes wiping sweat off her brow. "Whew! That was close."
Phoebe and Rachel turn to look at Monica. "What was close?"
Monica stammers a bit, almost forgetting that she has not told anyone about the tickets to Vegas she ordered as a gift for Chandler. "Huh, what? Oh nothing. You know. Joey and Chandler were close to not speaking to each other for seven days." She scurries into her room and closes the door behind her, leaving a confused Phoebe and Rachel in her wake.
Phoebe looks at Rachel. "Seven is a bad number. There's the seven deadly sins, the seven dwarfs, seven-up, seven-eleven."
Rachel nods sagely at her friend. "That movie Seven, which was scary."
Phoebe nods. "Oh yeah. But that Brad Pitt is so hot."
Rachel leans forward as a sly grin spreads across her lips. "Uh, yes please. Can I have some of that!"
The two women share a salacious laugh with each other, already forgetting about Monica's odd behavior. Phoebe claps her hands excitedly. "Ooo! Rach! We should go to the movies."
Rachel looks over at the clock. "But I have to work."
"So, we can go when you get off."
"Okay, but won't that make you late for dinner with Monica later."
Phoebe looks over at Monica's bedroom door and shrugs her shoulders. "Oh, that's okay. I'll think of something."
