One-Millionth as Happy
Ross Geller could sometimes be considered very irrational. It was a stark contrast from the practical man of science and reason that he prided himself to be. He did not like to acknowledge that there were these two sides to him, but at times of deep self-reflection, he would recognize which Ross Geller had his hands on the wheel of his life. He could look back at his past action and know exactly which one was steering, and sometimes, he could stop himself before he took things too far.
Normally, it was the sane, logical version of himself that was in control. The one who, whenever any problem would arise, would use his intellect to work it out. He would consider all the variables, and above all else, remain reasonable and realistic. He could spend hours trying to predict the cause and effect of all his potential actions in certain situations. Some people would think he was being overcautious, or that he was afraid to take chances, but he liked to think that he was putting himself in the best position he could to succeed. It may appear to others that he was suffering "paralysis of over-analysis", but he knew, through years of experience, that this was the only way to truly achieve his goals.
When it came to finances and protecting his personal investments, Ross rarely took risks. He either currently or at one time has had traveler's insurance, pet insurance, renter's insurance, life insurance, umbrella insurance and even flood insurance; although everyone he knew told him he was crazy to do that since he lived on the third floor. He invested in low-risk dividend paying stocks, treasury bonds and money market accounts. He kept a fairly strict budget and he eschewed impulse spending, but he did allow himself the occasional self-indulgent purchase as long as he used money from his "Ross's Good Time Fund" that he kept separate from his normal savings.
Ross would endure countless jabs at how slow his driving was from his friends and his sister, but he knew that a car was not a toy. He always used the turn signal for every lane change and he made sure to come to full and complete stop at every light and stop sign. He would even count to three-Mississippi before he resumed driving again just to make sure he was being completely safe. He checked and adjusted his mirrors at every red light because he was certain the vibrations of the car as it traveled on the street could shake them out of place, and even the slightest incremental change to their optimum position could be a driving hazard.
He had a spare umbrella in his home and office. He kept clean socks at his sister's apartment. He set two alarm clocks. He measured three times before making a cut. He rarely gambled. He kept three kinds of antihistamines available in his medicine cabinet. He used a dehumidifier and a humidifier just in case one of them worked too well. He had an extra smoke detector installed in his bedroom. He set up the parental controls on his television even though he did not subscribe to any channel that might have content he would consider too inappropriate for Ben. There could be no denying it; Ross Geller was safe, cautious, and grounded.
Unfortunately, that cool, calm and collected version of himself did not seem to return from his trip to Las Vegas. In his place, the high-strung, wild and unpredictable Ross Geller got off that plane when it touched down at LaGuardia airport. If he were being honest, there is a chance he was this more irrational and dangerous version of Ross Geller ever since his marriage and career blew up a few months ago. Long before Vegas he had been stumbling around town aimlessly, displaying poor judgment and making bad decisions.
This version of Ross is the one who thought sleeping with Janice was a good idea. He was the one who rushed off to London to marry a woman he had only been dating for a few months. The one who dove head first into a rugby game that he was ill-prepared for. The one who unceremoniously dumped Bonnie even though he knew that there was a slim chance at trying to work things out again with Rachel. The one who slept with Chloe. The one who bought a monkey. The one who had sex with his ex-wife even after they separated. The one who makes rash, emotional choices devoid of logic. The one who always ends up making things worse for himself in the long run. The one who has no self-control when it comes to affairs of the heart.
If Ross had any sense of self-awareness, he would stop himself right now. He would not be running downstairs in order to tell Rachel that she can still move in with him because he was able to convince Monica and Chandler not to call off their own plans to live together. If Ross were thinking rationally, he probably would realize what a bad idea it is for he and Rachel to become roommates. If Ross were playing it safe right now, he probably would have gotten the annulment the minute they got back to New York.
Unfortunately, at the moment, Ross is not playing it safe, he is not thinking rationally, and he is utterly lacking in self-awareness. That is why he finds himself running head long into yet another terrible and risky attempt at giving himself the same happy ending it seems his sister and best friend are heading towards. If anything, Ross's rash decision making over the last week is their fault more than his. Flaunting how happy they are. Forcing him to watch them begin to build the kind of life he had thought he had already ensured for himself several times over. Be it with Carol or Emily or Rachel. Seeing the two of them so insufferably close that it makes all his own romantic failures even worse by comparison; something he never thought could happen, since they seem pretty terrible all on their own.
How are they doing it? How have they lasted this long without any real threat of having their relationship crumble apart like so many of his own have done? He wasn't exactly sure. He knew that they still had fights, but they never seemed to be those drag-out, bare-knuckled, no compromise kind of fights that he would have. The kind of fight that requires days of reflection and long, serious talks before reconciliation. It seems when they argue about something, one of them makes a joke or takes a playful jab at the other and then they simply forget about it. It is almost as if being right is not as important to them as being together. Which is very hard to believe when you consider one of those two people is Monica Geller. His sister always has to be right. This relationship must mean more to her than even she realizes, if at times she is willing to give that up.
Even in Vegas, when Ross found out that the two of them were fighting about Monica seeing Richard, he thought for a moment that it could be the end of them. Ross would never be able to forgive something like that. A secret rendezvous with an ex that important? How could someone let that go? How could Chandler let that go? He has never displayed that level of confidence in anything. Yet, before Ross could even intervene by talking to one of them about it, they were back together. As if nothing ever happened. Maybe there was still some tension there, but Ross was already halfway to his drunken marriage ceremony with Rachel to notice.
Married. He and Rachel are married. He can't believe it, but it happened. And now, if he could not make this one marriage work out, then he would be zero-for-three in the happily ever after department. Three failed marriages? No one can come back from that. A third divorce might not even be the worst part of this whole thing, as unimaginable as that seems. Instead, he would have this constant reminder of what he failed at thrown in his face every time he visited apartment twenty and saw the two of them together.
He can see where Monica and Chandler are headed. The writing is on the wall. They are going to end up married. Maybe not this year, maybe not next year, but it will happen. He can see it, the marriage, the kids, all of it. It is really just a matter of time. Neither one of them has ever come close to this kind of commitment before. Both of them are embarking on new territory. Yet, as crazy as it seems, in a few months, they will have been a couple longer than he and Rachel were. He knew back then, or at least he thought he knew, that Rachel was the one for him. How can it be any different for Monica and Chandler now? How can they both not be thinking right now exactly what he was thinking back then? And now, they will be living together? Ross knows what that would lead to. He's lived with a woman before. It is fertile ground for thoughts of marriage. Ross simply cannot have his little sister get married before he does. At least, not in the kind of marriage he believes they will have. The kind that doesn't end in divorce and lesbian love triangles.
No, he can't let that happen. Monica can't make it work before he does, and if this marriage with Rachel ends, who knows if he will ever get married again? Let alone find someone new who he will feel about the same way he knows now that he has always felt about Rachel. No, if this plan fails, then he will never catch up to his little sister. Not that he doesn't want her to be happy, but he just always thought that he would get there first. That he would be the pioneer into happily ever after. To have it be the other way around would be too much to take. Her with her one perfect marriage and him with his three failed disasters. It would be humiliating.
With Rachel, it feels like he could already be there. Or at least, they used to feel that way. Even if throughout their relationship, the two of them always seemed like trains on different schedules. He loved her; she didn't know he existed. She loved him; he was oblivious to her feelings and dating Julie. She loved him, he was getting married to Emily, he loves her now, and she doesn't know that they are married. But they are married. That has to count for something. Ross recognizes that it is a bit of the cart before the horse, but he is certain they can still make it work. They did love each other at the same time once. Looking back on it now, maybe it was too intense at times and they were slightly out of sync for most of it. He always wondered if their own personal experiences with marriage may have caused them to have two incredibly separate sets of expectations on what their relationship could be. She ran away from her wedding; he was kicked out of his own marriage. He knows now that it must have given them very different perspectives on commitment and planning for the future. Yet, he always thought that they would finally get to be in the same place at the same time. That their love for each other would be enough to overcome the obstacles they seemed to put in front of themselves. That they both would share the same vision of their future together. That maybe at least, one day, they would be where they are right now. Married. Albeit, with both parties knowing that they were indeed married, but Ross figured that was just a technicality.
As he reached the street he paused and he thought of Monica and Chandler and wondered if that was part of their success so far. They are both in the same place, with the same expectations, and are walking that path together. Maybe they have even talked about the future, although, knowing how Chandler feels about marriage, those talks may not have been as amicable as his sister would have hoped. He wondered if Monica may already know that about Chandler. That could be why they work so well together. They know everything about each other. She knows, that in order for them to take the next step in their relationships, she had to let Chandler be the one to make that move. Could that have been her plan all along? Wait for him to come to her, let him slowly realize that he wants what she wants. Chandler knows that Monica wants marriage and children one day. Could knowing that going into the relationship take the tension off wondering when and how to have that conversation?
Could that work with him and Rachel? Could he convince her slowly over time that she is still in love with him? That she will want to be married? They could even have a real wedding once she is finally ready and then while on their honeymoon, he could tell her all about how he never got the annulment and they'll laugh and it will become a funny, romantic story to tell their children. Much better than "mommy and daddy did it in another country". It seems to make so much sense to him right now. They'll stay married, they'll fall in love, they'll live happily ever after.
As Ross reached the entrance to the coffee house, he paused for a moment as he caught a glimpse of Rachel inside at the counter; doesn't he deserve to be just as happy as Monica and Chandler are right now? Or at the very least, even just one-millionth as happy?
