A/N: Switching POV here to Byleth, as Leonie completely breaking down is more interesting and impactful to observe than to experience from her POV, I believe. There's only so many times you can say "I feel filled with self-hatred" before it gets old, and to truly do justice to something as terrible as a mental break is something I don't feel I can do right now.
Also, changed the timeline a little bit. Byleth retrieved the journal immediately, not after a few days; after Monica's betrayal, his trust would be at an all-time low.
There was a screeching, inhuman sound, like a wyvern being gelded, then the light in Leonie's eyes went out. Her tears, her movements, even her breathing stopped, except for a small tremble in her hands and wrists. My rage and frustration evaporated, and for a brief, fear-filled moment, I thought she was dying or dead, that I had broken something inside her physically as well as mentally; then, her breathing resumed, her shaking hands now tightly clenched fists.
"Byleth…" came a voice within my head, compassionate and scared.
"Sothis… how do I fix this? Can I turn back time, take back what I said?" I thought frantically at her, my mind racing like it had last night, like it did when Jeralt… when my father was stabbed.
I don't like hurting people. On the battlefield, I go for the cleanest kill possible. Seeing people cling to life with shattered bodies and fatal wounds causes something within me to twist and ache. My brutality is born of mercy, not hatred.
This… I did this, though. I could have ended this cleanly, but I went for pain. I couldn't let what she said go by unanswered, not then, not after what happened… but my father would be ashamed to see me twist the knife in, to act, as he described her in his journal, like Rhea.
"You shouldn't, not yet. Not until you have no choice," Sothis replied, appearing in her usual corner. "If you do go back and fix this… you'll still remember doing this to her. You'll remember this as your first time expressing emotion, being only able to fix it by going back in time, and you'll close yourself off even more."
Her voice began to break.
"I don't want that, I don't think you want that, and I know Leonie doesn't want that, either. I think her jealousy was born, in part, from your lack of emotions," she cut off my response with an imperious finger, the cracks in her voice betraying her otherwise calm demeanor.
"I am not defending her. In fact, I think you were handling it well at first, but when you fell to anger… you went too far." She put her finger down, then continued. "I am merely saying that, for whatever reason, she cares deeply about your father, and probably about you too. I don't think she came here to be… how would Petra put it… a 'not good female dog,' but something in her can't stand seeing your father not openly loved, and it brings out the worst in her."
I mulled over what Sothis said. She was right. There must be a reason behind her behavior, behind her love of my father beyond what I know. Knowing this academy, this world, it is something dark and hidden, something powerful enough to drive a poor village girl to go jump through the necessary hoops to come to Garreg Mach on the off chance she would see my father again.
"Do you think… maybe, if I find out the real reason, the deeper reason she loved… loves my father so much, I could fix this?" I asked Sothis, my usual confidence back. Above all, I want to help people, not destroy them. I have a knack for shepherding people through difficult times on the battlefield; part of the reason I said yes to Rhea was I wanted to see if I can do it in a different setting, too.
"No, at least not yet. That part will come later, after…"
"After?"
"After you truly open yourself up to her. When she saw your sorrow, for a brief second, she smiled; not because she was happy to see you sad, but because she wanted to see you feel, I think, and be there for you," Sothis stated simply, her hesitant smile showing she knew exactly how difficult this would be for me.
"… If this is the only way."
"It is."
"I'm… I'm scared. This is all so new and strange to me. How do I go about this?"
Suddenly, she was there, her hand on my shoulder, a few of her ghost-like fingers phasing into me, leaving a slight tickling sensation in their wake. I found that comforting, somehow.
"I'll guide you, like I do through everything else," her grin turned mischievous. "I'm walking the long road with you, remember? I won't lead you astray."
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw blood began to trickle from Leonie's hands. Sothis gasped softly, but before she could say anything, I was there.
Leonie did not react at I placed my hands over hers, nor when I jabbed my thumbs between her thumb and pointer fingers, causing her hands to spasm open. Her nails, sharper and longer than I thought, had torn open her palms, leaving wounds deep enough to require bandaging.
"Sothis, let me know if she tries anything while I grab some supplies."
I stepped over to my quick bag, a small satchel that every mercenary kept stocked with basic necessities in case they needed to quickly leave an area. I navigated it by touch, finding my stowed medical supplies within a moment.
"Her hands are still open," Sothis said as I grabbed the jug of water off my bedside table.
"Good. Now… I need a disinfectant."
"There's your father's flask, under your bed."
"Oh… the irony," I thought to her as I crawled down and retrieved the flask. My father loved clear liquor, as much for the taste as for the utility in situations like this. Thanks … dad.
I returned to Leonie and, after gently taking hold of her right hand, began to wash the blood away with the water, which still elicited no reaction from her. She was still freely bleeding, but I was able to get enough of it off that I could begin disinfecting the wound.
The scent of the alcohol caused her to stir slightly, but it was the sting that truly brought her out of her catatonic state.
"Ouch… that hurts like hell," Leonie said weakly, her eyes still dim. "Professor… I… oh Seiros, my hands… your carpet… I… did I do that?"
Unsure how to respond, I simply nodded and kept cleaning.
"Don't just nod, you idiot!" Sothis yelled, too late.
"I'm so sorry… I'll clean this up right away, then leave… I'm so sorry," Leonie said, moving to stand up. My commanding glare froze her in her tracks, however, and she sat back down, trembling a bit.
"Now… talk to her, like we discussed before," Sothis prodded.
"How?" I asked, not wanting to mess up again.
"Start by making sure she's ok. I swear to me, Byleth, sometimes I really wonder how you survived social situations up till this point," Sothis sighed dramatically.
"My father did all the talking," I replied.
"Right… I'm sorry… I forgot" Sothis said, apologetic, sincerity replacing sarcasm.
"… Are you ok, Leonie?" I asked, unsure what tone to take, or how to even take one, and ending up in my usual monotone.
She nodded yes, still trembling.
"Because… I don't think you are. Not just your hands… or even just from what I said… but from before that."
Sothis, penitence gone, had opened her mouth to interrupt, but quickly closed it, intrigued.
"Am I right?" I finished, watching as her shifted from my hands, still treating her cuts, to her feet. She didn't nod or say anything, but that reaction told me all I needed to know.
"I… I haven't been alright my entire life, or at least what I can remember of it. Most of it is a blur, the rest a montage of riding to a village, killing bandits, buying supplies, over and over again. I had no friends, no family outside my father."
I started gingerly, or as gingerly as I knew how, carefully choosing my words. By the end, however, they started coming more naturally to me, and I began to feel something.
"I've always had a hard time showing, or even feeling, emotion, as you probably guessed. I can see how others would feel emotion from things, know how I should react, but… I'm lacking something inside me. My heart, probably, as I don't have a heartbeat."
Leonie raised her head slightly at that, but otherwise stayed still. Still, I pressed onward.
"That… that doesn't mean I don't feel emotion. It is just very hard for me to, especially in the moment. Over the long term, I can feel things… love and gratitude towards my father, for example… but in the short term, I can't. Today was the first time I've ever had an outburst like that, ever expressed anything like that at all, and I'm sorry you bore the brunt of it." I took a deep breath. Explaining my… condition, that was the easy part. Now came the hard part.
"That being said, please do understand that… I loved my father. I cherished him, more than I knew how to express. What I said before was true, he was the biggest and, up till recently, only thing in my life," I started. Something similar to the scant few tears I had cried last night began to form in my eyes.
"Every day, I use the lessons he taught me. Like how to treat a wound like that," I gently touched her now bandaged hands, "or how to manage an unruly mob, whether on the battlefield or in the classroom."
My sudden touch caused Leonie to look up, and her eyes met mine.
"Professor…" she said quietly, more a breath than a word.
"And maybe… in some small way, you are right. Maybe I didn't appreciate him enough. He knew I loved him, as best I could anyway, but I never said it. Perhaps I should have. … Guess I'll never get the chance now," I finished, unsure what else more to say. In the background, I heard Sothis make a distressed sound, but I ignored it.
The same feeling I had before, the sadness I had felt prior to snapping at Leonie, was reawakening inside me. This time, though, instead of feeling the need to yell at her, or become angry with her, I merely began to cry. Not tear up, like I did last night, but, for the first time, truly cry.
A/N: And that's it for this chapter. A bit shorter than I intended, but I wanted to get this section out so I can really get the ending down right. I have that mostly written out, actually, but there are still a few big moments to fully flesh out (namely Leonie's explanation of why she wants to fuck Byleth's dad Jeralt means so much to her, and how Byleth actually manages to fix this situation).
I plan on having the next, and hopefully final, chapter out within the next few days. This has been a lot of fun to write, and I thank everyone who has been reading it so far for giving it a chance.
