Chapter 58: What Ifs

"What's wrong?"

Meredith was aware of her sister asking the question, but she didn't have an answer for her. So, she sat there, staring off into space, pushing her food around on her plate.

Lexie looked at Cristina - urging her to say something. Cristina cleared her throat and then asked, "Are you feeling sick again?"

"Huh?' Meredith asked and blinked - trying to focus.

"Sick. Are you feeling sick from your pregnancy again?"

"No," Meredith sighed and forced herself to take a bite of the salad in front of her. Just because she was worried about Derek didn't mean everyone else had to worry about her, too. Her food tasted like crap - a lot of mushy nothing - but she finished it along with a bottle of water.

"Where's Derek?" Lexie asked.

"I don't know."

"He's here today," Cristina said. "I sat in on his lecture this morning."

"He always eats lunch with you on the days he's here," Lexie stated.

"Well, apparently he had better plans today," Meredith snapped and got up to leave the cafeteria alone.

"Are they fighting?" Cristina asked Lexie.

"I don't know," she answered. "Something is definitely wrong, though."


"Hey," Mark said from the doorway of the conference room. "What's up?"

"Can you take me home?" Derek asked, sounding grouchy.

"Are you and Meredith fighting?" Mark asked with a concerned frown.

"No," Derek answered and heaved a sigh.

Mark moved to sit at the table with Derek and asked, "What's going on? You're in a pissy mood, your wife looks like crap."

"What?" Derek asked sharply, snapping his head up.

"She's beautiful," Mark laughed, "but she's pale today and moping around. Which is completely different from last week when she was biting you in the on-call room."

Derek didn't laugh or show any reaction to the fact that his best friend was on to him and Meredith using the on-call room for sex. He sat in his chair, tense and looking like he wanted to break something. Mark stared at him for several silent moments and then finally heaved a giant sigh as he realized what was going on. "I'm sorry, Derek."

"Why, because you can tell me my wife is beautiful?"

"Yes," Mark said simply. "Also, because it's been so long since you've had a pity party about being blind that I didn't realize you were having one. I wouldn't have said what I did."

"I know," Derek replied and ran his hands over his face in agitation. "I also know I'm being a self-absorbed prick right now, but I really hate -" he broke off with a loud sigh and shoulder shrug.

"You hate that you can't see Meredith. And you hate that you won't be able to see your child."

"Yes. I know I shouldn't get so wrapped up in not having my sight -"

"Why not? It freaking sucks for you but you need to talk to your wife about it. Don't shut her out, Derek. You know Meredith on an appropriately different level than I do but I know how she was before you. She's made of really strong stuff. She's not Addison - she won't leave you because you're having some self-doubt."

"And a pity party," Derek said, giving a very small smile.

"That too," Mark grinned. "Come on - I'll buy you a drink at Joe's. Then if you still want me to take you home - I will."

"I don't know about Joe's," Derek hesitated.

"It'll be one drink, Derek. Let Meredith know so she doesn't worry about you."

"Thanks Dad," Derek said sarcastically. "By the way, I know my wife is beautiful."

"I know you do." Mark chuckled in response.


Meredith pulled into the garage hours later. She'd been called into surgery for a car accident victim with severe head injuries, so Mark had brought Derek home.

She walked through the quiet house toward their bedroom. Derek was already asleep, so she went to the bathroom and turned the shower on to a nearly scalding temperature. She took her time in the shower and when she got out and dried off, she felt a little better physically but not mentally.

Pulling a long sleeve tee shirt and comfy tap pants from her drawer she got dressed. And then she sat down on the floor of her bedroom and started crying. Loud, gut-wrenching sobs that she had absolutely no control over.

"Meredith?" Derek asked in alarm as he jerked awake at the sound of her crying. He went immediately to her and pulled her into his arms. His heart pounding with fear he asked, "What's wrong, baby?"

Meredith just wrapped her arms around him and cried until her tears were all dried up. He held her, rubbed her back and kept kissing her. After a while he asked, "Can you tell me now?"

"I lost my patient."

"I'm sorry," he said. It always sucked to lose a patient. Always. And it never got easier.

Derek stood up - keeping Meredith in his arms and went back to bed. He covered them both with the blankets but kept her snugly in his arms as he said, "I'm sorry I've been acting like a jerk the past few days."

"Are you ready to tell me what's going on?"

"As Mark says, I've been having a pity party," Derek sighed.

"What?"

"I'm pissed that I can't see you, Mer. And that I won't be able to see our baby. And I have to tell you - even though I'm really happy about having the baby - I'm also really freaked out about it. I have no idea what kind of father I'm going to be. What if I really suck at it?"

"What if I suck at being a mom?"

"No way," Derek said so sincerely and so emphatically that Meredith giggled.

"Thank you baby, but I may just be an awful mom. God knows mine wasn't exactly the best and she's the only example I have."

"You'll be a great mom, Mer. I know it. Just the fact that you're worrying about it tells me you will be."

"You're worrying about it too, Derek. So, follow your own advice."

"I want to," he whispered, "Mer, it really freaks me out that I won't be able to take care of our baby in the same way as if I could see."

"We'll figure it out. We'll make it work Derek but think about this. The baby won't be able to see at first, either. He -"

"Or she," Derek interrupted.

"Or she," Meredith agreed with a giggle, "will be bonding with us through touch and taste mostly. How we respond to him or her is what's going to create the initial security and bonding. It has absolutely nothing to do with sight at first. The playing field will be even - so to speak."

"You're amazing," Derek whispered, feeling his heart swell with pride and love. He touched her face and gently ran his fingertips down her nose and across her lips. He felt her breath catch before she whispered, "What are you doing?"

"Looking at you," he replied and then leaned down to kiss her softly.

"Oh," she sighed as the kiss broke and he continued looking at her body with his fingers. As he neared her tummy she grabbed his hand and said, "There's something I should tell you."

"What?"

"Another reason I started crying."

"What?" he asked again.

"I'm fat," she stated and sounded so miserable that Derek started laughing.

"It's not funny!"

"Oh Mer, it really is funny."

"It's not," she insisted, sounding like she might cry again. "My clothes are tight and getting uncomfortable. I'm getting fat."

"If they're uncomfortable," Derek stated, grabbing the waistband of her pants and tugging. "Then you need to get out of them." And he pulled her shirt up and over her head, too. "Better?"

"Yes," she sighed, "infinitely. Except now I'm cold."

"I'll take care of that too," he said and continued running his hands all along her body after discarding his own clothing.

"I love you," Meredith said, running her hands all over him, too. "Everything will work out."

"I know," he whispered. "I love you, too."

That was the last of the talking for the night. As they were much more happily involved in making love to one another.