Chapter 63: Can You See Me?

Meredith was almost through the second trimester of pregnancy. She and Derek were at home and it was Thursday morning.

"I definitely think we should take the newborn care class," Meredith said. Then she giggled and continued, "At least, I should. You're great with the kids. Me, not so much."

"Meredith -"

"Tiny babies make me a little nervous," Meredith sighed as she rubbed her stomach.

"Meredith," Derek said again, "You're beautiful."

Meredith snapped her head up from the paperwork she was filling out. There was something in Derek's voice that had her heart pounding. "Derek?' She whispered as she moved around the table toward him. "Can you -" Meredith's voice cracked, full of hope.

He pulled her into his lap, wrapping one arm around her back and rubbing their baby with his other hand. "I can see you," he whispered, reverent and choked up. "You're blurry but I can see you, Mer. You're beautiful and your belly - our baby, our son - is amazing!"

Meredith had tears streaming down her cheeks now. She hugged Derek tightly to her and then pulled back to stroke his cheek with her hand. She looked at his eyes, noting that they were slightly more clear than usual. "Are you okay? Does anything hurt? Do you have a headache?"

Derek chuckled and brought her lips to his for a kiss. He was able to see her the tiniest bit better, up close like this. He kept his eyes open, unwilling to miss a moment of looking at her. When they pulled apart for air, he answered her questions, "My head hurts like hell but I've never been better."

"Okay." Meredith said, wiping at her tears, "We have to get you checked out, find out what's going on."

She started to get up and he held her tighter, keeping her on his lap. Derek kissed her again before replying, "We will Mer, but not yet. Right now, I just want to look at you." He pushed her shirt up to lean down and place little kisses all over her tummy.

"Derek," she said, running her fingers through the back of his hair.

He looked back up and into her eyes, "The tests can wait, Mer. For a little while. Just in case."

She nodded her head in agreement. The tests could wait. They deserved this time together. She knew he meant, just in case this is a cruel, medical fluke. She refused to believe it was, though. Meredith chose to believe this was a beautiful miracle.


"Derek -"

"It's a really good blue," he said, standing close to the nursery wall to see the color.

"Yes, it is," she agreed. Meredith was thrilled that Derek could see - even if it was limited. She was also very worried as he kept wincing in pain. It had been two hours since he'd said she was beautiful. And it seemed that his pain was getting worse. "Derek -"

"Your hair has streaks of gold in it."

"Yes," she smiled at his observation and the familiar feel of his fingers running through her hair. Then he winced again and actually groaned, bracing his hand on the wall. "That's it," Meredith said sternly. "We're going to the hospital. Now."

"Okay," Derek whispered, almost sounding defeated, still leaning on the wall.

"Can you make it to the car?"

"Yes," he answered, holding her more tightly to him. Then he looked into her eyes again and said, "The color is really unique. Kind of a mix of green, gray and blue."

"Derek please," Meredith whispered again as tears filled her eyes. She was so thankful for this gift of his sight. At the same time, she felt it was imperative to get him to the hospital and have him checked out.

"I'm scared," he admitted, placing his forehead against hers.

Me too, she thought but refused to say it out loud. He needed her to be strong. If he had his sight without the pain - she wouldn't be so worried.

"Is the pain the same or worse?"

"Worse. We should go now."


Meredith had called ahead to the hospital to let Chief Webber know what was going on and that she was bringing Derek in for a CT Scan. The Chief and Dr. Livingston - the Head of neurology and Meredith's boss - were ready and waiting when they arrived. The Chief had also paged Lexie and Cristina to take care of Meredith.

"I don't need baby sitters," Meredith snapped as she watched her husband being taken away from her. It gave her a very ominous feeling.

"Yes," Cristina said and grabbed Meredith by the arm, "Actually you do."

"I -"

"Need a stress test for the baby," Lexie interrupted her sister.

Meredith sighed and watched as they rolled Derek out of her sight. "Fine," she agreed, "but then I'm going to be with Derek."

"No, you aren't," Cristina said as she and Lexie took Mer to an exam room. "Right now, you're family, not a Doctor. You know you're in no condition to be helpful. Concentrate on staying calm and keeping your son safe."

Meredith took several deep breaths and tried to have positive thoughts. "I didn't tell him I love him."

"What?" Lexie asked with a quick glance at Cristina.

"Before they took him away from me," Meredith said. "I didn't get to tell him I love him."

"He knows," Cristina said, gripping her friends hand in a rare moment of pure emotion and compassion. "Derek's going to be fine. The two of you can go back to being lovey and disgusting and goo-goo gaa-ing over that kid in your stomach."

"Goo-goo gaa-ing?" Meredith asked with a small giggle.

"Whatever," Cristina shrugged but was glad to notice that Meredith did appear slightly calmer.

Meredith was telling herself that Cristina was right. Everything was going to be just fine. And the suspicion that was saying otherwise was just her fear.


Meredith leaned over the hospital bed and kissed Derek on the mouth. "I love you."

"I love you too, Mer. I love our son, too. I know I was a pain in the ass about kids at first, but I really do love him."

"I know," she answered calmly. She took his hand in hers and said, "You're going to be fine, Derek."

"I have an aneurysm above my optical nerve."

"I know - Webber told me." She couldn't believe they were having this conversation as if they were picking out something for the nursery. It was surreal and it was awful. She really just wanted to wake up now.

"You're going to be fine."

"Let's name our son."

"We've been trying to name him," she said with a nervous laugh and tears filling her eyes. She really didn't like the tone of Derek's voice.

"Don't cry, Mer."

"You can still see me," she said around an indeed watery smile.

"Yes," he said and squeezed her hand. "A little more clearly, in fact."

"That's great," she said as an intern came in and started prepping Derek for surgery. "So," she said, resisting the urge to climb in the bed with him. "I thought you liked 'Christopher' after your dad."

"I do," Derek said 'but Christopher Shepherd seems like a lot to saddle a little boy with. He's going to want to be outside playing baseball and fishing - not writing a name like that too often."

Meredith laughed; she was amazed that she could. "Okay but I like Christopher as a middle name."

"Me too," Derek agreed. "Do you always chew your lip when you're concentrating?"

"Not always, but often."

"Come here," he said and tugged her down for another kiss. They both kept their eyes open during the long and soft kiss. They didn't stop until the intern cleared his throat. They pulled apart with a small chuckle and just held hands, quietly looking at one another until the intern left the room. Then they laughed out loud for a good bit of time.

"Short names, five letters or less," Derek said.

"Okay," Meredith said and thought for a moment. "Scott?"

"No. Max?"

"Yuck. Umm," she chewed her lip and Derek laughed. "David?"

Derek thought about it and said, "No. it's not bad but, I don't know. No. What about Mark?"

Meredith laughed and said, "God, could you imagine the size of Mark's ego?"

"Oh," Derek chuckled, "Yeah, bad idea."

"What about Derek?" Meredith suggested.

"No," he said softly. "I want our son to be his own person. Promise you won't name him after me, Mer."

"Okay, that's it!" Meredith yelled and stood up angrily. "Stop speaking as if you're going to die!"

"I might."

"No!" Meredith yelled again and then winced and grabbed her stomach.

"Meredith?" Derek asked in concern.

She grabbed Derek's hand and put it on her belly. "He's kicking the crap out of me because he doesn't like this death attitude either," she cried.

Derek saw his wife crying and felt his son kicking mightily. His own eyes filled with tears and he whispered hoarsely, "I'm going to be fine."

"Yes," Meredith agreed. "Promise."

"I promise," Derek complied. "What about Ian?"

"Hey," Meredith and Derek said in delighted unison. "I think he likes Ian," Meredith said.

"Do you?" Derek asked her.

"Ian Christopher," Meredith said. "Ian Christopher Shepherd. Ian Shepherd," she grinned as the baby kicked again. "I like it."

"Me too," Derek grinned back at her. "That's what we'll name him."

"Yes," she whispered, "that's his name."

They were standing that way when Webber came in and said it was time to take Derek to surgery. Then he stepped back out - giving them another moment of privacy. They kissed one another again. Derek sat up in the bed to kiss Mer's stomach and said, "I love you, Ian." Then he looked up and into Meredith's eyes, "I love you, Meredith."

"I love you too, Derek. We love you," she said, rubbing her stomach. She really didn't want to let Derek go but knew she had to. He needed this surgery. He would be all right. The intern came and wheeled Derek away. Meredith held it together. She had to and she believed Derek was going to be all right. "Hey Ian," she whispered, rubbing her belly again. "Your Daddy is going to be just fine. And your name is going to be a secret between the three of us for a while. Daddy and I will tell people together once you're born. Possibly at the baby shower but we'll do it together."