Chapter 73: Maybe We Should
Meredith sat in her office at Seattle Grace. She was supposed to be doing paperwork, but she couldn't concentrate on it at the moment. In two days, a new batch of fresh, eager, surgery-junkie interns would be starting their Residencies. Yes, they'd be scared but they'd also be hungry; for knowledge, to hold a scalpel, to join the Game.
She sighed as she tried to alleviate the ever-present backache. Fortunately, Meredith didn't have her own set of interns to deal with. Besides being due to have her own baby in seven weeks, she was finally beginning the seventh and final year of her own Residency. She'd worked her ass off to get to where she was at this point in her career. How would having Ian change her career? Hers and Derek's marriage? She laughed at herself, knowing it was a little late to be worrying about this stuff.
"Come in," she answered when there was a knock on her office door.
"Hi," Lexie said as she cautiously stuck her head in the doorway.
"What are you doing?" Meredith laughed at her sister. "Get in here and sit down."
"Okay," Lexie grinned and sat in the chair across the desk from her sister. "I wanted to make sure you were in a good mood first. You've been grouchy for the past couple of days."
"You'd be grouchy too if you were forced to leave Maui and come back to a pile of paperwork. You'd also be grouchy if you couldn't get comfortable, had to pee every twenty minutes, didn't sleep through the night anymore and couldn't find a comfortable position for sex with your husband."
"All right," Lexie interrupted and held up a hand to stop Meredith's mini tirade. "I'm sure all of that would make me grouchy. However, I also think you're scared. That's the biggest reason you've been biting people's heads off or holing up in here."
Meredith blinked at her sister and then said, "I don't want to talk about it right now."
"When?"
"Excuse me?"
"When do you want to talk about it?" Lexie said, "You're due to have my nephew in seven weeks, Mer -"
"I know when my son is due," Meredith snapped. At her sister's arched eyebrow and all-knowing stare, she sighed loudly. Then she mumbled, "Sorry. You're right, I am scared. Right now, I feel like I'm afraid of everything and it's making me bitchy."
"I'm pretty sure what you're going through is normal, but you should talk about it. Does Derek know how you're feeling?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"He has enough to worry about right now without adding my neurosis to his list."
"That's not fair to him, Mer."
"I know," Meredith admitted quietly, "but I feel like I've been such a pain-in-the-ass through most of my pregnancy. I just want to hide out and get over the way I'm feeling so I can enjoy the last few weeks of this time."
"What scares you the most?"
Sighing again, Meredith asks, "You're not going to leave me alone, are you?"
"No, I'm not."
"As much as I want I -" Meredith cut herself off and giggled, "this little boy -"
"You named him!" Lexie accused and sat up straight in her chair. "You and Derek named my nephew and you're keeping it a secret!"
"We're not telling anyone until he's born," Meredith giggled again, feeling the pressure and fear in her chest begin to ease. "Thank you for making me laugh, Lex. I'm feeling better."
Lexie crossed her arms and pouted but finally said, "You're welcome, but I still think you should talk to Derek about what's bothering you."
"I'm sure I will. I just want to sort it out first."
"Now that I know his name starts with an I or an E - I'm going to figure it out. You know that, right?"
"How do you know his name doesn't start with a Y?"
"You suck. Both you and Derek suck. You have to tell me his name - I'm his Aunt!"
Giggling again, Meredith said, "Bye Lexie. I'll see you at Molly's on Thursday night for dinner."
Lexie got up and grumbled her way out of Meredith's office. She went back to her boring paperwork. She still felt a little unsettled but the visit from her sister had definitely helped.
"Mer?"
"Yes?" She replied after stifling a yawn, grateful that they were home as she pulled into the garage and turned off the car.
"I almost told Mark Ian's name today. I didn't mean to -" Derek trailed off as Meredith laughed. "You're not mad?" he asked with a grin of his own.
"No," she said and got out of the car. "As long as you aren't mad that I almost spilled it to Lexie. Accidentally, of course."
Derek chuckled as they walked into their house and put their stuff down. Then he pulled Meredith into his arms and held her to him and rubbed soothing circles along her lower back. "I'm not sure we're going to make it to his birth without revealing his name."
"Me either," she sighed, feeling steadier and more content than she had all day long. "Maybe we should tell everyone at the baby shower next weekend."
"If that's what you want," he said and kissed her mouth softly before letting her go and moving to get two bottles of water from the refrigerator.
"What do you want, Derek?" she asked with just a small bit of snap in his voice.
He turned back to her, handed her the water and smiled after taking a long drink of his own before replying. "I'd like it if we were able to wait until he's born to reveal his name. However, if continuing to keep it a secret is going to create stress then let's tell everyone. There's enough to worry and be excited about without adding something else to the plate."
Meredith went and sat on the couch, looking slightly shocked. Derek watched her closely and then went to sit beside her, He knew something was on her mind and waited patiently for her to talk to him. Quiet and patient seemed to be the best course with her lately. Finally, she turned to him and asked, "You're worried?"
"Yes," he answered. He wrapped his arm around her as she leaned into his side. "I'm mostly excited and ready for Ian to be here but there are a few things I'm concerned about."
"Me too," she admitted softly.
"I know."
"You do?" Meredith asked in surprise.
"Of course," Derek chuckled. "Mer, it's completely natural for you to be worried about giving birth. To be honest, I'm glad I'm not the one doing it."
"Gee thanks," she giggled.
"You know what I mean," he chuckled and squeezed her a little tighter.
"I do," she admitted. "Strangely, I feel better knowing you're worried too. The thing is though, I feel like I'm being stupid worrying about giving birth. I'm a surgeon - I shouldn't be freaked out about this."
"Being a surgeon and actually giving birth are two entirely different things. I think it's normal - and expected - that you'd have a bit of panic over the prospect of pushing a little human out of your body."
Meredith paled a little and said, "Okay, that's not helping so let me ask you something else. Do you think it's normal that I want and love Ian with every fiber of my being, but I'm still concerned with how having him is going to change our lives?"
"Yes."
She looked at him, waiting for elaboration. When it didn't come, she giggled and asked, "That's it? Just yes?"
He grinned. "Let me ask you this - would you change things? Would you give up Ian over the need for adjustment in our marriage and careers?"
"No," she answered immediately and emphatically. "God no," she said as tears gathered in her eyes and she rubbed her belly. "I love our baby so much. Already, I can't imagine life without him."
"Exactly," Derek whispered and reached out to rub her belly also. "I love you and Ian so much. I know everything else will fall into place."
"Yeah," she finally sighed, "you're right."
"Of course, I am."
"Smart ass," she giggled. "I can't say I'm not going to worry over the last weeks of my pregnancy, but I will try to relax. I want to enjoy the rest of this time as much as possible."
"Good," he replied. "Are you hungry?"
"Yes. Do we have spaghetti with red sauce?"
"Yes, and I'll make it if you promise to eat some salad, too."
"Of course," she smiled and accepted his hand to help her off the couch."
