Walking away from the only home he'd ever known had surprisingly been a lot easier than Zenitsu had expected. He'd felt nothing, nothing at all. Just a hollow-empty feeling that left him almost breathless. Maybe he should have known then. Maybe he should have anticipated what's to come. Something was clearly wrong with him. He wasn't thinking straight and he – wherever Obanai-senpai was taking him, he didn't know how to feel about that either. He didn't know how to feel about anything anymore. Not until it finally came crumbling down all around him in waves of desperate and unstoppable grief.

Zenitsu hadn't seen it coming. As far as his awareness went, he'd been following the pillar around in silence for hours; neither of them saying anything, and the younger occupying himself with gently patting the snake on his shoulder, but suddenly, out of the blue – his fingers... his fingers started shaking.

It was unnoticeable at first, but-

They shook so hard by the end, Zenitsu had to physically stop and curl them into fists for the shaking to subside. He breathed out and breathed in. Nothing, no air was getting into his lungs. He-

His chest hurt. His eyes stung and... gramps-senpai... they, he – he'd lost them, hadn't he? They were dead and, and he- He hadn't saved them. Hadn't saved anyone.

Taking a step back, his knees buckled. He barely caught himself on a tree before he could gracelessly face-plant onto the wet mud of the floor. Still-

Gramps

He buried gr-master. He'd buried him and he hadn't even said anything. He hadn't said a goodbye. He hadn't said . He just – And what about Kaigaku-senpai? He hadn't even found his body! Or at least whatever he found didn't even look like him anymore. Eaten and mutilated. His stomach lurched at the thought. Clamping a hand tightly over his mouth his eyes bulged.

'She ate him,' he thought. 'The demon ate my senpai till there was nothing left and – oh my God. Oh my God – ohmyGod.'

"Agatsuma?"

They were dead! They were dead and he... He hadn't said anything. Nothing – he was never going to see them again and he-

"Agatsuma!"

Oh God. They were dead.

"Agatsuma! Kid!"

Zenitsu stumbled back; vision blurry and eyes leaking tears that wouldn't stop. He was going to- his stomach lurched again. Something dark, something sickening climbing up his throat and wedging itself firmly between his guilt and grief.

He'd lost them all, hadn't he?

The truth, the undeniable truth hit him like a mountain; right across the chest, and the blonde collapsed to his knees by the sheer force.

"Agatsuma!"

Vaguely registering the ghost of a hand on his shoulder, Zenitsu screwed his eyes shut and hurled. Everything he'd eaten that day; which wasn't much, splashing on the forest floor and making him even more nauseous. He didn't stop until he was only left heaving up nothing.

So now there he was. Arms bracing him from collapsing into his own sick and knees shaking from the effort it took to carry his useless weight.

A hand

A hand was rubbing circles into his back. He hadn't noticed... How long? Still-

It felt warm, comforting, honest – But... he didn't deserve comfort, he-

"Obanai-senpai?"

A breath of relief and then. "You with me brat?"

Maybe it was the tone, maybe because it was everything else. Maybe nothing at all, but for a second, he'd sounded like

Kaigaku-senpai.

Zenitsu pulled himself back on his knees; the older male carefully helping him so he could lean against the tree rather than sit without support.

When their eyes finally met, Obanai's face was blank, Zenitsu's was crushed. So, when the pillar let go of his shoulder and asked him an empty question that sounded like vague concern. Zenitsu gagged. The pillar froze.

The blonde gagged again.

"Are you going to throw up again?"

No, the answer was no, but... He gagged again. Fingers curling and uncurling and eyes dancing around wildly. He wasn't going to throw up, but... Clawing at the ground desperately and then bringing those dirty nails to his eyes, Zenitsu just stared at them.

"Gramps hands are getting dirty," he whispered; voice crooked and broken. "I have to get him out, I- I have to get them out. Gramps doesn't like to be dirty I, I have to get them out!"

Obanai-senpai's face crumbled, and Zenitsu didn't know why. It's not like they had days between themselves and the village? They could still go back. Besides, gramps would make them a really good chicken stew and maybe he would give Obanai-senpai a couple of pointers too! It's not like you were ever too old to learn right? He tells the pillar this, and two mismatched eyes stare back at him; unreadable.

"We can't do that Agat... Zenitsu." The words are careful, calm, understanding, yet firm.

Zenitsu doesn't think the older is getting him, so he says. "It's ok Obanai-senpai. I'm sure gramps will love to see you again."

Some kind of stillness comes over the pillar then. "I'm sorry Zenitsu. Kuwajima-san is dead. You know this."

Maybe, maybe he did.

He does.

He looks at Obanai-senpai, really looks at him. The older looks calm. Zenitsu envies that in him. Nothing is said between them for a while. The black-haired male taken the time to wipe his mouth with the edge of his own haori. Any other day, any other time, Zenitsu would have been shocked by the action. That someone else other than gramps-

But it's not any other day, so instead he gasps, he hiccups, and then he curls himself into a ball and screams.

Screams so loud he hopes gramps can hear him wherever he is. Hear how much Zenitsu was missing him. Hear his pain. He wished – he wished he could hear the dead. He could hear everything else, couldn't he? Thoughts and feelings and intentions and – why couldn't he hear the dead?

He screams and continues to scream, and Obanai-senpai never leaves his side. A gentle hand on his head and a comforting figure shielding him from the world.

XXXXXX

Zenitsu doesn't recover. Doesn't heal or feel better after that. He can't predict how much time has passed. Doesn't know how much distance they have put between themselves and between his family, and every time he thinks about it, it hurts. So, he shoves it into the back of his head and carries on. Mind foggy and body numb.

Obanai-senpai is the one dragging him forward; fingers gripping tight around the haori covering his arm. It's Obanai-senpai who forces food down his throat and it's Obanai-senpai that washes his hair and helps him put on his clothes. Zenitsu should feel ashamed, feel embarrassed to look so pathetic and weak in front of someone that's probably not that much older than him, but he can't seem to bother. Everyone is dead and if he lets himself feel that fact for even a second, Zenitsu was afraid he would crumble down all together. So, he lets his new senpai drag him around, let him clean him up, let him feed him, let him fold up his own haori to use it as a pillow for his empty head. Let him do everything. And he feels nothing.

The pillar doesn't complain, doesn't stay by his side unless strictly necessary either, and even the white snake has migrated from his shoulders and back to his master's. A brief flair of sadness skims under Zenitsu's heart, but it's quickly drowned out by the endless grief locked into his soul. So, he stares at his feet and says nothing.

He doesn't say anything, at least not until his veins start burning with something else other than grief. It comes as sudden as everything else in his life had so far. Unexpected and shocking. An all-consuming feeling that defies all logic and reasoning. A thirst for pain. A dream of punishment. A desire for nothing less than vengeance.

He's sitting there; legs pulled under him and face resting on his knees, when it burns him inside out. He couldn't get his family back, never again. He wouldn't ever see them smile or laugh or insult him. Never again.

But... he could give that demon the same treatment. Give her, her own never again(s).

Vengeance.

His eyes remain shut, but his hands stop shaking. For the first time since he'd found gramps.

-Purpose-

-Vengeance -

-Payback-

-Death-

It tasted good. It tasted sweet, and it made him breathe. Finally, it made him shut the whole screaming world out, and breathe.

So, when the sun rose to meet the sky again the next morning, Zenitsu stood up on his own before Obanai-senpai could make his way over to him. Catching the other male completely off guard. Zenitsu gave him a faint smile for that, shocking the pillar even more.

"Morning Obanai-senpai," he muttered.

It took the older man a second to compose himself, but when he did, he turned his back to the blonde and trekked his way over to the rock he'd been sitting on and took his previous place on it. "You're feeling better?"

It was a question, and it was not at the same time. It felt more like a test.

Zenitsu nods nonetheless.

"Good." Obanai-senpai is frowning now. "It's been three days brat. Three days of you being utterly useless. I would have left you if that had kept up."

The blonde flinches back; staring at the ground, fists clenched. "I'm sorry."

"You should be."

Every word out of the pillar's mouth makes Zenitsu feel smaller and smaller.

"Now, are you going to cause me anymore trouble brat?" He shakes his head; whatever resolve he'd come to, slowly crumbling under his feet.

"Good," his senpai says again. "Now let's go. We've wasted enough time as it is."

'No,' Zenitsu thinks desperately; lips quivering and eyes widening as the older male picks up his bag and starts walking.'It can't end here. He needs to listen to me. He needs to help me. I – I need to get stronger; I need help!'

"Obanai-senpai!"

He shouts. Maybe he shouldn't have, but it's all he can do to find the courage to say what he wants.

The other man stops.

"I need you to train me! I want revenge!"

The pillar doesn't say anything for a while, and Zenitsu feels his stomach sinking.Maybe he was wrong after all. But then the other finally speaks up.

"It looks like you have some guts after all," he says. "Very well. Training starts in an hour."

Zenitsu's lips widen into a giant smile and he lets out a tiny little noise of excitement that makes the pillar snort. The blonde flushes red and looks down, but he still can't get rid of the giddy feeling of finally having a direction to walk towards. Even if that direction is a bloody path that could lead him towards even more pain and suffering.

XXXXX

He blinked, and in a flash the butt end of a sword was slammed into his cheek, and Zenitsu was hitting the ground faster than he could formulate a single thought.

"Get up and do it again."

Groaning he sucked in a shallow breath; spat out a wad of blood and pushed himself slowly back on his feet. Raising his blade like he'd been instructed to so many times by both gramps and now Obanai-senpai, he grounded himself and moved to attack yet again.

A spin, a step and then another slam of the snake pillar's sword. This time hitting his ribs and sending him sprawling to the ground.

"Again."

Muttering less than pleasant insults under his breath; the thunder breath user forced himself to stand up. He didn't even get the chance to assume the correct stance this time, before Obanai-senpai had him eating ground.

"Again."

"I'm trying," he protested; biting back the frustrating tears welling up in his eyes. He couldn't afford to cry now. God knew Obanai-senpai hated when he cried. But- "I'm really trying senpai!" he pleaded; pushing himself to his feet. "I just don't know what any of this is doing to help me!"

The snake pillar glared at him; his mismatched eyes shining with clear and indisputable disgust. "If you haven't figured that out yet, you're even more hopeless than I thought."

And, ouch. That had hurt.

The older man most have seen the look on his face; the blonde not being able to mask it quickly enough, and that made the pillar sigh. Sheathing his sword, Obanai-senpai gave Zenitsu an assessing gaze. "You're an idiot, aren't you?" he finally said; nodding his head once as if he'd come to some kind of grand conclusion.

Zenitsu didn't like his tone, nor the insult. He frowned. "No, I'm not!" Wiping his eyes in frustration, he glared at the other man. "You're just not explaining anything, and I just don't understand what you want me to do!"

"I want you to listen, you moron! Listen to my actions, listen to my thoughts. Listen!" Obanai was now furiously pressing at his own head repeatedly, trying to emphasize his point as clearly as he could. "You have an extraordinary hearing, don't you? Use it."

"Oh."

"Exactly."

It was, it was quite obvious now that Zenitsu properly thought about it. And he hadn't even figured it out on his own. Biting his lip, he looked down. Shame coursing through his veins. He'd already lost a whole day with his useless fumbling and now less than three days were left before they arrived at the rest stop and – how was he going to convince Obanai-senpai to continue training him if he couldn't even master the basics, but still-

"Gramps never told me to do that?"

"He had another student. He probably didn't have the time to focus on anything more than you could handle." Each word was spoken with a sort of exasperated tone that made the blonde feel like he was nothing. It wasn't a pleasant experience. "Fortunately for you," Obanai continued. "I only have you."

Zenitsu's head shot up. He might have imagined it, but – he did have an amazing hearing, didn't he? And, it had sounded like, yeah – there had been something vaguely fond in the elder's words right then.

It made Zentisu feel warm inside, and maybe that's why he took his stance again, wiped away the blood trickling down his forehead and licked his busted lip in concentration.

He was going to get this right.

Closing his eyes, he tried to shut off all senses except for his hearing.

He wasn't going to fail.

Everything melted away. He couldn't feel the cold metal between his grip. Not the unstable forest floor under his feet. Not the orange light trying to burst through his closed eyelids. Nothing. All he allowed himself to concentrate on was sound.'Listen,' he told himself.'Listen for the attack.'

And there-

A swoosh of a sword, a wisp of clothing material and a soft intake of a breath.

Zenitsu moved, but – a thud, and he was on the ground again.

"Wa-" he choked holding his stomach; eyes tightly shut. "How?"

"Again."

His heart sank.

He really was nothing.

XXXXXX

Training doesn't go any better through the next days. It's nothing more than pain and disappointment. Zenitsu found himself countless times wanting to just curl up into a ball and cry. He'd thought that now that he had a direction, a goal, that maybe – just maybe he wouldn't be such a failure of a student anymore.

Maybe-

If Kaigaku-senpai had lived... He would have already been hunting down their killer, but here Zenitsu was, being a failure. Always a failure. Always.

When a sob tore its way passed his lips, the blonde slammed a hand over his mouth to try and muffle the sound. Still, his teacher had heard.

"Stop crying brat," he said; quick, automatic, exasperated. "I told you not to cry in front of me. Go do that pathetic act somewhere else."

Fair enough.

But it didn't make those cruel words hurt any less. Sometimes, it felt like Kaigaku-senpai's ghost was still hunting him through Obanai-senpai.

"Then get back here and eat. Wouldn't do me any good if you just collapsed. You need to take care of yourself better, brat"

And sometimes; his lips curl up the slightest bit as he turns away from his teacher to walk away. Sometimes it was gramps ghost moving in the gruff mannerism of Obanai-senpai.

Still, time runs out in the end.

Standing in front of the giant gates of the rest stop. Wisteria trees casting giant shadows over them, Zenitsu knows his time is up. Knows that after Obanai-senpai get sufficient amount of rest here, after he sends whatever information he said he would, the older man would leave, and would leave him behind.

And he couldn't even protest.

It's not like he had proved anything. A whole week, and what did he have to show for it?

Listen, his teacher had said time and time again. Listen to my actions, but don't forget to be aware of your own surroundings, and still – still he wasn't able to make a lick of progress.

He was sure Obanai-senpai felt relieved to get rid of him.

It made something in his stomach lurch with agony. It took a moment for him to realize what the feeling was.

Disappointment. Disappointment that he'd managed to let someone else down yet again.


*Holds up hands* please don't kill me! I know Obanai comes across like a jerk right now (Pretty much reminding Zenitsu about Kaigaku in a way), but Obanai has never been the kind of character that minces his words, and I don't think he would change that quickly on a dime. Still, action does speak louder than words sometimes, and if you pull apart his words and his actions, they do paint vastly different pictures, and Zen would most likely realize it soon enough. Just like Obanai would grow as a person too.

As for Zenitsu. Sorry folks. I want him to just become an avenging badass who is super talented and will impress Obanai and everyone else, but that simply isn't true to his character. Zenitsu is really really talented. But he has a lot of self doubt and fears that stop him from reaching his potential and even understanding how amazing he is, and I don't want to just skip over that and make him great just because he's grieving. Zenitsu will grow of course, but I'll take my time with it and do it right. Poor kid as a lot of disappointment ahead of him. But he's not running away anymore (to some extent) and that is a huge for him. Either way, hope y'all enjoy this chapter!