A/N: Thanks for the reviews, follows and faves everyone! I don't have the means to reply directly. My notebook has a break down nearly every time I connect to the net ;-) Anyway, I need to let you know I've decided to refer back to another story of mine 'Discover, Recover and Try Again' it deals with the time right after Hankle. I hadn't meant for these two to be related it just happened, so if you're thinking "wait what episode did that happen?" it's probably from my story not the show. No desperate need to read that first though. Enjoy. I hope!
...
Reid raps his knuckles on the glass of the open door. "Morgan said you wanted to see me?"
Hotch looks over, points to the phone resting against his ear and beckons him inside to sit down. Shuffling his feet nervously Reid makes it a couple steps, not quite making it to the chair. Getting called into Hotch's office moments before leaving for the jet never signals anything good. Not in his experience anyway. Usually if Hotch needed to speak to him he'd catch him at desk or wait until they were in the air. The office usually meant he was in trouble, or had the potential to be. Part of a continuing trend today it seems. So far this morning he'd slept through his alarm, spilt coffee down his shirt forcing him to change and miss his usual train. Making it to work on time was little consolation thanks to the incident at security. The fact Agent Rossi had been the one to bail him out made it so much worse. Merciless teasing from Morgan he could cope with, being humiliated in front of the founder of the BAU... he wasn't sure so. By the end of their little road trip last month he'd been feeling more relaxed around Rossi. More like a colleague, less like a bumbling fan-boy. Reid can't help but feel this morning set back all that progress.
"Reid? Reid!"
Reid blinks, clearing his vision. When the room comes back into focus Hotch is no longer on the phone.
"Yes?" he frowns, wondering how he'd let his thoughts wander so long, wondering how long Hotch had been calling his name. "Sorry, um, what did you say?"
"I asked, how are you doing?" Hotch guides him towards a chair, concerned frown crinkling his forehead.
"I'm fine."
Reid winces the second the words are out of his mouth. He never intends to lie to Hotch, to anyone really, but Hotch especially. Unfortunately, more often than not Hotch is the one to ask the questions he never wants to answer. That instinct to protect his secrets from clueless enquirers' is so ingrained it's going to take more than his own good intentions to overwrite years of social conditioning.
Not that Reid thinks Hotch is clueless, he's just not sure he'd understand.
Hotch doesn't say anything about this lie however, just shuts the door with a definitive click, pointing to the chair he still hovering around. "Sit."
Reid hesitates a second before recognizing it as an order and not a suggestion. He sits gingerly, wiping sweaty palms over juddering thighs, trying very hard to maintain eye contact. If Hotch knows what Rossi has already deduced about his current sleeping habits, or lack therefore, then he's toast.
"I'm fine." He squeaks again, failing to steady his voice.
Retaking his own seat Hotch sighs, like he can't quite believe Reid is arrogant enough to think simply repeating the short statement is enough to make him believe it.
"Spencer, it's coming up to a year since Georgia, and we both know the significance an anniversary can have post trauma. It wouldn't be surprising if you didn't feel 100% right now."
When Hotch speaks it sounds clinical and detached, a feeling Reid wishes he had right now to make this conversation less humiliating. Feeling shame warm his face Reid slides down in his seat, wishing to just disappear.
"Spencer are you listening?"
The repeated use of his first name has him sinking even further. Hotch only uses it when he's really, really worried about him. Normally at work Reid prefers to be called, well, Reid. 'Spencer' doesn't exactly evoke the image of a competent grown up FBI Agent, and he needs all the help he can get to reinforce that kind of reputation, especially out in the field when simply his age can mean the local cops have a hard time taking him seriously.
"I'm listening." Reid answers carefully, trying to maintain eye contact.
Hotch may often ask the questions he doesn't want to answer, but he also just as often provides the answers he so desperately needs. Rossi had guessed about his nightmares in the elevator. Hotch has obviously noticed too or they wouldn't be having this conversation. That means he can look forward to Morgan cornering him later. He knows there's no point in lying to any of them. That still doesn't mean he's ready to talk about it.
"I haven't been sleeping well lately, but I'm dealing with it. I can still do my job." He swallows, feeling defeated.
"I know you can Reid." Hotch nods, the frown lines across his forehead softening. "You know where I am when you're ready. The offer hasn't changed."
Looking up from his shoes where his gaze had drifted their eyes lock. No explanation is necessary. Reid remembers another time, another case of kids killing kids when Hotch confronted him about his nightmares. He'd played it straight, extending the offer to talk like he was asking if he wanted a refill of coffee, wearing the same look back then as he was now. Same look he'd worn three weeks ago in a high school bathroom, after Reid watched a kid get his face blown off. The same look when they'd stood in the middle of a Texas street, Reid having blocked the shot meant to save his life.
The anniversary of his kidnapping was approaching and he couldn't escape it, but what would the team say if he told them when he dreams at night it isn't about Georgia, Tobias or any of the horrible things that happened to him over those terrifying three days. If he told them when he sleeps, night after night he stares down the barrel of a gun and experiences what it feels like to be shot in the face.
"Is that all?" Reid clears his throat, shaking the echo of a gunshot out of his head. Losing it in Hotch's office is not something else he needs to happen today.
"Just promise me if anything happens or you feel like maybe this case..." Hotch cuts himself off and looks away, but Reid thinks he knows what he's trying to say.
"I'll tell you, I promise." He adds a smile for good measure.
It takes a second or two, but eventually Hotch nods and dismisses him kindly. Reid returns the gesture and makes a quick exit. But despite being very relieved to be free, walking down into the bullpen he can't help but make short glances back up to the closed office door. Coming in today he'd been worried about his own ability to keep it together this week, but after that conversation he feels he may have seriously misjudged the situation. Reid isn't as oblivious to other peoples feelings as some believe. He understands emotions, just has a problem noticing when they're directed at him. The team are his family, and after five years with most of them he'd be an idiot to think they don't care, but given his own father hasn't given a damn for the last seventeen years, it still surprises him that Hotch and the others do.
All anyone wants is for things to go back to the way they were...
The words hit hard. He hasn't thought about that night in a long time, actively tries to forget in fact, but he can't. Not because of his eidetic memory, but because he knows he needs to remember. For his own sake Reid can never forget the night he admitted to having a drug problem. The night he learned no matter what, unlike his deadbeat dad, his friends will always love and be there for him. With the reminder of just what's at stake Reid straightens. He needs to prove himself on this case. Not just so Hotch and the others don't have to worry about him, but so he can stop worrying. Worrying that next time a kid dies in front of him it won't be because he isn't good enough.
Finally reaching his desk Reid tugs out his go-bag with determination. By the time he joins Morgan by the doors his mind is set. No matter what, he's going finish this case and see the anniversary of one of the worse experiences of his life without fuss. He owes it to Hotch, to all of them to deal with his issues like a grown up for once.
...
"All I'm saying is, he's not telling us something." Rossi tells Morgan, taking the aisle seat next to him.
They all made it to the jet on time. Morgan, Reid, Emily and Rossi had ridden in together, leaving JJ and Hotch to follow. The conversation on the way had revolved around just how they were going to pull off an undercover operation within a school, without anyone aside the principle knowing about it. Schools, like offices, were notorious for gossip, no way they'd keep the investigation secret for long if all six of them were part of the charade.
"I've got a bad feeling." Morgan grumbles, wearing the same look of distrust he's had since Hotch dropped the undercover bomb.
"You've always got a bad feeling." Emily grins from across the table, Reid shifting nervously next to her stifling a yawn.
"Something wrong?" Rossi asks him, partly because he knows he isn't the only one to notice the kid's fidgeting, but moreover if there's one thing he's learned since returning to work it's that secrets are better off shared and now is as good a time as any.
"I'm fine." Reid pins him with a narrowed eyed glare that he assumes is meant to be threatening. Morgan and Prentiss take a sudden interest in the runway outside.
Rossi shakes his head at the lot of them. He's not known the kid long, but even he can guess at what's keeping him up at night. The first time Reid spoke to him about it had been an accident, he'd been looking for Hotch. Unfortunately the still fairly new David Rossi had been the only one around when the kid desperately needed someone and so it hadn't taken long for him to spill his story of kidnap and torture at the hands of a psychotic killer. Likewise it hadn't taken Dave long to form an attachment to the kid, enough to want to stop anything hurting him ever again. He was hoping the others would feel the same and be on board with facing the upcoming anniversary together, however it seems Reid isn't the only one adept at playing pretend.
"Everyone set?"
"Hotch you going to tell us what's going on, because we're freaking out here."
"Morgan's freaking out." Reid comments slyly, earning him a playful glare from his seat mate.
"When we're in the air." Hotch dismisses them both professionally, no hint of a smile.
Rossi watches Aaron move past them up the aisle, seating himself opposite JJ, out of view. He shares a telling look with Prentiss, but she ends the brief contact with an eye roll and a shrug. The jet rumbles to life seconds later, the climb lasting all of a few minute. Air thinning, ears ringing, looking over Morgan's shoulder all he can see out the window is clear sky with a pillow of clouds below.
"We ready?"
Turning Rossi finds Hotch has materialised at his side, perched on the edge of the opposite couch. A stack of matching manila file folders resting on his thighs. JJ arrives seconds later, handing out coffee.
"This can't be good." Dave takes a cup off her, as do the rest. "This a bribe?"
Hotch doesn't wait for her to answer and quickly hands a file to Morgan and one to JJ, holding the others back.
"What's this?" Morgan takes his, opening it with as much glee as he would a Christmas present from a stranger.
"Your cover identities," Hotch doesn't show any kind of reaction, tone as placid and neutral as he can make it. "Take your time to familiarize yourselves with your roles. Morgan you're going in as the new Phys. Ed teacher, luckily the old one wanted early retirement and the principle was more than happy to oblige. JJ the library recently advertised a post for a part time assistant, they've pulled it and you're hired."
"Ha, JJ congrats you get to go geek, I bet pretty boy here can give you some tips." Morgan laughs, flicking through his own details. "Good thing I packed gym clothes."
"There's a shopping Mall near the airport, anything we need should be easily picked up there." JJ adds, her tone just as emotionless.
"The local sheriffs maybe expecting our presence, but the town isn't, so outside of the precinct we will need to maintain cover at all times. Including the hotel."
There's a collective groan from both Morgan and Reid.
"What about the rest of us?" Prentiss asks when Hotch falls suddenly silent.
Clutching the remaining folders Rossi notes Hotch appears uncharacteristically nervous, which sets off more alarm bells. Soon it'll be all he's hearing.
"Aaron?" He pushes, not liking the sudden change at all.
"This is where it gets more complicated," Hotch eyes him, Reid and Prentiss in turn. "Like Dave pointed out earlier six new staff members would raise suspicion so we've filled the open vacancies. The rest of us will have to be a little more creative."
"Spit it out Aaron, nervousness doesn't suit you." Rossi snaps, basking in how right he is yet concerned at the same time.
Hotch sighs and bites the bullet, handing Rossi his file which he handles like an explosives expert. "Dave you are going in as, well you. Being a best-selling author a cover identify would be difficult, but at least you do have the means to send your troubled grandson to the best school."
Rossi freezes, file mid-air between them.
"My what? Grandson?" He repeats with edge while Morgan, Prentiss and JJ unsuccessfully muffle their laughter.
Hotch gives them a moment to calm, Rossi to settle into the idea, but it's Reid who breaks the silence.
"Wouldn't that mean putting someone in as a student though?" He says innocently, the joke having gone well over his head.
It had already dawned on Rossi, and everyone else by the sounds of their laughter, the minute Hotch said the word 'Grandson', but Reid's still blinking at them in confusion.
"Kid, come on," Morgan nudges him with his foot when Reid continues to look bewildered.
"What?"
Hotch sighs and hands Reid his file. Dave watches him open it, furrowed brow fixed until his jaw drops and his eyebrows hit his hairline.
"Me?" he gasps looking up. "But I'm 26!"
"And you look fourteen." Morgan shoots back, unhelpfully given the circumstances. "Who else out of any of us could possibly pass for a high school student?"
Reid frowns at him, hurt.
"Really Spence" JJ joins in, like it's all that's needed to convince him.
"So Rossi's my grandfather?" he looks the older profiler in the eye with some trepidation, unable to argue with Morgan's statement without any kind of back up.
Rossi returns the look. Like already feeling the tests of time and age isn't enough. This is... he doesn't know what this is... Accidentally becoming a father's one thing, but Reid as his Grandson?
"And Prentiss and I will be your parents," Hotch slots in quickly, eyes downcast passing Prentiss her own file hoping to move them along quickly.
Rossi nearly spits out the coffee he just took a sip of, JJ's hiding a smile by biting her lip, and Reid? The kid is still frowning, clearly unsure what to say about the second revelation of the day. Rossi can sympathize.
"Wait just one minute,"
"Emily's playing your daughter Dave calm down, the only one having their age drastically altered is Reid, who will be entering the school as a Junior." Hotch, though sounding happier now he's done the big reveal, steadfastly avoids everyone's gaze, but especially Reid's.
"A Junior." The kid deadpans like he still doesn't believe it.
"According to Garcia's computer programme it's the age that best fits your looks." Though the grin Hotch is hardly suppressing says what he and the rest of them are really thinking.
"How's that even possible?" Reid demands to know, suddenly not caring he's talking to his boss, all good boy behavior gone straight out the window.
"You're kidding right?" Morgan says smiling broadly, enjoying the kid's outrage a little too much.
"Spence, you still get carded in bars." JJ tries to softly point out, thinking it'll help.
Rossi, Hotch, Morgan and Prentiss all wince. When you're young all you want is be treated like a grown-up. Despite physically being of age Reid is still trying to achieve grown up status with them and suggesting otherwise is sure to dent his ego a little.
"So you all think I look 16?"
As predicted his upset is clear. No one dares speak, waiting for their unit chief to deal with it as he always does. Obviously the kid doesn't realise just how young he looks and acts compared to the rest of them.
"17, you recently had a birthday and we're not debating this," Hotch corrects and moves them on, flicking a quick glance at Reid to make sure he really is okay, "get memorizing, we'll be checking into the hotel tonight using our cover identities before heading out to the school in the morning."
...
As it turns out they did need to go shopping, and Reid loathed every minute of it. The shame of having to be fitted for a school uniform was compounded by the fact that during the entire process he had to refer to Emily and Hotch as Mom and Dad. Thankfully because Morgan and JJ weren't part of the charade his humiliation should be kept between the three of them. Rossi had opted to go in search of a good place to eat.
Now in the privacy of their respective hotels rooms, having already gone over the details of how this ludicrous operation was to work, Reid lay down on the small fold out bed and pretended to sleep. Plagued by exhaustion, a headache, bellyache and toothache – the latter two likely thanks to the chocolate ice-cream he'd been pacified with in lieu of an Irish coffee night cap like the rest of them- sleep wasn't coming easily. Being seventeen again really sucked. He didn't care about not having alcohol, but all teenagers drank coffee, he'd been drinking it since he'd been in High School the first time, therefore in his eyes perfectly justifiable now. Hotch hadn't agreed. He's as big on rules at home as he is at work apparently. It's the first time Reid's ever felt sorry for Jack.
Staring wide eyed at the ceiling less than a minute passes before a shadow looms over him. "Aren't you going to change?"
Squinting into the bright ceiling light Reid focuses his gaze on Emily. She's staring down at him, a soft look of concern on her face and Reid blushes under the scrutiny. This case is already proving hard to wrap his head around, he doesn't need anyone adding to his confusion by asking him silly questions like that.
"I'm fine." He smiles, hoping that'll be enough to appease, he just wants to sleep.
His go-bag lands on his stomach forcing a whoosh of air out of his lungs, the sudden weight doing nothing for his already upset stomach.
"Reid, get ready for bed." Hotch instructs sternly, walking away before Reid can offer protest.
Sitting up he pouts at the man doing a damn good impression of his father and with what's left of his dignity escapes to the bathroom to the sound of Emily's laughter. Shutting the door firmly behind him Reid turns the lock and leaning back against the cheap plywood slides gracelessly to the floor.
To say he's not handling this well would be an understatement. Since receiving his cover identity of 'Spencer Hotchner' Reid's head has been spinning. The implications of the name alone having him feeling things he shouldn't be feeling. He knows Garcia was only trying to make things easier on them by keeping details as close to the truth as possible, they weren't trying to fool the CIA here, but how he wishes she'd gone with something completely made up. He rationalizes she couldn't possibly have known how it would make him feel. Couldn't possible have known that he sometimes wonders what it might have been like to have Hotch in his life growing up, instead of his biological Father. After all Hotch has done for him, especially after Georgia, Reid doesn't want to let him down. But given how things have gone so far the likelihood is tonight, like last night and the night before, if he does manage to fall asleep it won't be long before he wakes up in a cold sweat, screaming from a nightmare. Ironic he should chose this case to start handling his issues alone like grownup.
"Reid, you okay in there?"
Emily's call is swiftly followed by two hard knocks and Reid only just manages to stop his head from rebounding against the door.
"I'm fine," he repeats, hearing the crack in his own voice and praying she doesn't make a big deal about it.
Through the thin barrier he can hear Hotch's deep voice, but the words aren't clear. Emily's reply is equally muffled. Really not wanting to know if they're talking about him Reid pulls himself up and steps over to the sink.
Staring at his reflection in the bathroom mirror he deduces he looks... sad. It's the best word to describe the tired and drawn face staring back at him. Examining his features more closely, running both hands over hollow cheeks, paying extra attention to the bags under his eyes Reid can't help but check out every line, dimple and imperfection. Most are due to his lack of sleep recently no doubt. Still. Gideon once told him he looked fourteen, that was after one of his few high school friends accused him of not changing since he was twelve. If this is the consensus, logically he should consider the possibility of the opinion having merit.
But then what does that mean for him? How is anyone ever going to take him seriously?
Turning back to the mirror Reid stares at his sorry looking, drawn out features a little longer and decides he better get it together. Everyone may see him as a defenseless little kid, and okay he might well look, sound and have the name to suit that image, but what he is, is an FBI agent, and this case is his chance to prove it.
…
"Is he okay?" Emily steps over to Hotch after hearing Reid's less than steady reply, muffled as it was through the door.
"Who?" Hotch asks without looking up from a stack of missing person files, ones dropped off by the sheriff.
Shaking her head, Emily rolls her eyes and finger tips clasping the folder in his hands forces the pages down, making Hotch look her in the eye.
"Reid." She tilts her chin in the direction of the bathroom. "You know, the problem child we're sending to boarding school tomorrow."
His sigh and attempt to mask the worry tells her he knew exactly who she'd been referring to.
"He's not a problem child, just misunderstood." Hotch rumbles, looking woefully at the closed bathroom door.
Emily opens and closes her mouth in quick succession, looking at him in puzzlement. "Okay. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine." Hotch answers instantly, reminding her of someone else who is just as stubborn about admitting his feelings.
"Oh really," both eyebrows rise, disappearing under her fringe.
"What?"
"Well," she forces seriousness into her amused tone. "I bet I'd get that exact same answer from someone else." Her gaze travels to the bathroom door again. "And we all know what that means."
Hotch rolls his eyes, admitting defeat. "I'm… concerned."
"About what?"
Her question is met with stony silence and they end up just looking at one another for a good minute before Emily takes the plunge, making a considered guess.
"You're worried about Reid." She settles down on the bed next to him. "But this is more than the usual 'I want to protect my team' worry. You're really scared for him."
"I know he can do this." Hotch forces past thinly drawn lips.
"But?" Emily prompts. "What is it?"
Hotch shakes his head and she thinks she gets it. This isn't don't want to tell, this is don't know how to tell.
"It's Reid." Hotch clearly thinks his explanation is obvious.
Emily replies in kind. "I know you worry about him a bit more than the rest of us, but it's never been like this."
Hotch sighs and tilts his head, looking her dead in the eye, "Texas changed things."
The memory of standing in that street, with the sun beating down on them, Reid's gun in her hand... Emily opens her mouth to ask, wanting to know if she's not the only to have had a nightmare about that day, but Spencer appears from the bathroom changed and ready for bed.
Hotch immediately breaks his gaze away from her, "You okay?"
Reid nods. No words or even sounds forthcoming. Emily figures he probably can't trust his voice. By the look on his face he also probably wishes people would stop asking him that, but then that's what happens when someone who likes to tell them everything about everything suddenly takes a vow of silence.
Giving up on conversation Hotch stands, moving the files off the double bed and pulls the covers back.
Reid continues to hover, so Hotch verbally clarifies, "It's late, we need to get some sleep."
"But I'm not tired." Reid fidgets on the spot.
Hotch doesn't relent, though is clearly mindful of the added company tonight.
"Well I am," Emily finishes with a smile, avoiding the awkwardness she senses coming by standing to use the bathroom, giving the two some privacy.
Emerging back out minutes later to discover no progress has been made Emily makes the decisive move, leaving the bathroom door ajar she flicks the main light switch off, plunging the room into near darkness before heading over to the pull out Reid had been lying on earlier and making herself comfy. Neither argues with her choice thankfully. She's done many things while undercover for the sake of the job, but sleeping with her boss is where she's drawing the line tonight.
"Good night boys."
From then on she pretends to sleep, leaving them to it. At first Reid maintains his defiance, that he isn't tired, he can stay up and go over the files with Hotch, but eventually, with a few well-chosen words Hotch gets the truth out of him. Not the whole truth, but she thinks their fearless leader knows that. Reid admits to having a few nightmares recently, about Georgia and the infamous Charles Hankle. It comes out in disjointed sentences, but before probably even Reid realizes it he's lying down, blankets tucked up to his chin, eyes drifting closed to the sound of Hotch's voice explaining why having nightmares now after being okay for so long isn't that uncommon. She's sure Reid knows the theories behind PTSD, but memorizing them, and having someone assuage your fears are completely different. Satisfied her pretend son is going to be okay, for tonight at least, Emily quits spying and shifting quietly settles down to really sleep.
"I can hear you thinking."
The voice comes out of nowhere what feels like only seconds later, entering her mind just as she feels herself drifting off. Not wanting to miss the obvious invite to talk, gathering her faculties Emily sits up, gaze drifting around the lowly lit room, settling on Reid with a frown.
"He's asleep, it'll take an earthquake to wake him now." Hotch speaks from his place at the little table in the corner of their room.
"And the nightmares? How'd you know?"
"The same way you did, and Morgan and Rossi." Hotch reels off with a sad smile.
"Garcia, JJ." She laughs softly.
Reid stirs and she quickly covers her mouth. Hotch looks unconcerned, like he really does know just what kind of racket they'd need to make to wake him.
Standing up and joining him at the table now the coast is clear Emily studies him. "You've done this before."
Aaron nods genuinely without looking her way.
"When?" She pushes, but then a memory resurfaces, of Reid waking up on the Jet after a nightmare and going straight to Hotch.
"He had a hard time settling down after Gideon left," Hotch's tone is light and she thinks that's all he's going to say on the matter, but then his tone grows louder and slightly more frustrated, "He can cite every possible symptom of sleep deprivation, but has a hard time applying it to himself. Forcing him to bed is the only way to ensure he's functional sometimes."
"I guess we don't often sleep on active cases, I always wondered why it didn't bother him."
"It does, just not until we stop." Hotch huffs.
"You're planning on sleeping tonight, right?"
"Yeah, as soon as I finish this, I hope you're okay with leaving that light on." Hotch nods towards the soft yellow glow protruding from the still ajar bathroom door, telling her he understands exactly what she'd done earlier.
Emily looks over at Reid once more, sleeping peacefully. "Of course."
...
A/N: So... I know a couple of you mentioned about where this story might go and well, virtual cookies all round ;-) I hope I've made it sound believable, but if it makes anyone feel better I did do my research. Who else here knew Xander off of Buffy was actually 26 when he was playing a 15 year old? And Cordelia 28? If I the BAU had their makeup department I could have gone younger with Reid lol. Anyway, until next chapter, ttfn!
