"WAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! WAAAAAAHHHHHH!" God, not again.
"Miyoko!" I glared at the baby monitor as Misaki jumped up, stumbling to get out of bed. I could hear her on the monitor. "Hey Miyoko, I'm here. Are you hungry?" there was silence, ruffling. I was thankful she stopped crying. I was working late on a deadline and was already sleep deprived.
"You know your daddy was up all night. We have to keep quiet so he can….sleep." I heard the long yawn from Misaki. She was probably just as tired as I was.
It has been a month since Miyoko was born. We seem to be set in a routine. I still worked so caring for Miyoko fell mostly on Misaki. She went back to classes to my dismay, but only for two days. Manami or Aikawa would come over to watch Miyoko for the two hours. Misaki refuses my idea to hire a nanny. This is our child, I don't want her raised by a stranger.
It was still quiet, Misaki no doubt asleep in the rocking chair again. She is usually the one who gets up when Miyoko cries. And boy does she cry. I heard the door open, Misaki tumbling back into bed. I opened my eyes to see her passed out. Dark circles under her eyes. Her (my) shirt had wet stains from breast milk still leaking. She still wore those new underwear, diapers. A lot of blood and other substances I did not want to know about were still coming out.
She twisted around, no doubt in discomfort. She also has been feeling sharp pains down there lately. The doctors assured us it was normal with post childbirth. Misaki started taking pain medicine and using an ice pack. It has changed my perspective of her. Not in a bad way, nothing could change the beauty I see in her, but I do look at her with caution. We already decided not to have sex for another two months until she is fully healed, but it was terrifying to see what was happening to her. Do all women go through this? I don't even know if I would want another child after this.
The next morning Misaki was already up. I found her downstairs, cooking breakfast. Miyoko was in a baby carriage on the counter. Misaki was making faces as she turned to flip an egg. "Good morning Usagi." She yawned.
"Morning." I looked down at Miyoko. She was moving around, feeting kicking nowhere. She looked up at me, those purple eyes staring into my soul. Her dark grey hair grew slightly, still not enough for Misaki to tie it. And she has tried. It was still something to get used to; I had convinced myself our child would look like Misaki, never thought she would come out as my twin.
"Usagi, can you move Miyoko to the living room? You can set her on the floor." I grabbed the carriage to set it next to the coffee table.
We ate in the living room, Misaki rocking Miyoko with her foot. "So Usagi, are you free today?"
"You don't have classes."
"No, but I have this paper due at the end of the week and I thought I could get most of it done today."
So I have to watch Miyoko? "Call Aikawa then."
"We can't keep relying on her. And it would only be for an hour anyway."
"I have work to do."
"...Right. Work." I saw her roll her eyes but before I could say something Miyoko started fussing. The stench came second. Such a small child could make an awful smell. Misaki set down her untouched plate. "Let me get the diapers."
"You are going to change her here?" On the coffee table. Where we are eating. Her answer was a half-shrug as she continued to the kitchen for the diapers she stocked. I could not look. I nearly threw up the first time I watched her change Miyoko. I still shuttered when Misaki once walked away with some of it on her shirt. Disgusting.
"Usagi…"
I still was not looking her way, "what?"
It was silent, almost making me turn back. Almost. "Nothing." I finished breakfast and went upstairs to my study. The work was half-true. I did not tell Misaki about the extra work I took on. We did not need the money but I was putting it all in a separate account for Miyoko and added more to the secret savings I made for Misaki. It also gave me an excuse if Misaki was going to ask me to do much with Miyoko. Misaki was better with her, she still cried if I held her. I was happy to make the money, just as I was happy Misaki could take care of Miyoko. I do wish she would quit school but if she says she can do it then I have to trust her.
Damn, need more cigarettes. "Misaki, I'm heading out." I spotted her outside, feeding Miyoko. She waved her hand; her attitude has taken a turn, similar to when she was still pregnant. Another reason to leave her alone.
I made it downstairs until I checked my pockets, realizing my wallet was not with me. I need to get my shit together. I went back in, finding it on the coffee table. Misaki was still outside on the phone. I would have left if I did not hear her. "Yes, it is frustrating." Who was she talking to? "Yes, I am tired but I don't want to think Usagi would be doing this on purpose. There is a lot we had to adjust to..ow Miyoko."
She was talking about me? "What am I supposed to say Hidori? Usagi has been working a lot…...he wouldn't do that...Yes he knows he has a child."
I found myself closer to the balcony. She set the phone down to grab Miyoko. "All I am saying Misaki is that he needs to be stepping up. Put your foot down."
"I don't want to make this hard on him. He did buy the diapers and more clothes for Miyoko. And he does watch her if I have to do laundry."
"And he has yet to help change her or give her a bath. And his version of 'watching her' is him on his computer while Miyoko is in her chair. The minute she starts to cry he calls you. He can't even watch her for two hours on his own! Face it Misaki, he doesn't want to take care of Miyoko."
The fuck? What does that obnoxious brat know about me? I am the reason Miyoko has everything she wants and will want in the future. I make sure her and Misaki are financially okay. She should not be talking shit just because I kicked her out for being loud during Miyoko's nap last week.
"You don't think I fear that Hidori?" Misaki's voice cracked. "I am trying so hard to make Usagi's life easier. He barely gets to sleep himself and it does not help that Miyoko wakes up every two hours throughout the night. Or that I haven't kept up with the chores. That I have been making omelettes for the last three days?. That I am too scared to have sex again, knowing he wants it. I don't want to hire a nanny but I don't want to admit I can't do this anymore."
Misaki. "What about your brother's offer?" Offer? "It would be easier if you stayed with him." Stayed with him?!
"I know...he said he was going to call me today to talk about it. Can you still come over? I really need to get this essay done and study for my exam."
"Yeah, I'll be there in 30 minutes. I wanna play with Miyoko."
"Thank you." Misaki hung up the phone, holding Miyoko. "Hi sweetie." I watched Miyoko smile, something she has never done with me. I snuck back out, not wanting to unload on Misaki after hearing her conversation. Just what was she thinking? How could she even think of taking my child and moving back with her brother. I got in my car and pressed 2 on my speed dial.
"Usagi?"
"Takahiro, why did I hear about Misaki moving out with Miyoko?"
"Did she tell you?"
"If she did I would not be calling you."
"Usagi…" "How could you even think about taking them from me? That is my girlfriend and my child. I do not appreciate you guys going behind my back."
"Akihiko." My name. "We need to talk."
I drove into the parking lot of the restaurant Takahiro suggested. A simple coffee shop. I walked in, seeing Takahiro sitting in the corner. His face was cold, similar to when he found out Misaki was pregnant. "Takahiro."
"Akihiko."
Tension could be cut with a knife. There was no point in waiting for someone to start. "Why did you talk to Misaki about them living with you?"
"It was Manami's idea."
"Why would they even talk about it? And without me? Do you really think I would be fine allowing you guys to take Miyoko away from me?"
"Have you thought about what Misaki wants? Have you sat down and had a discussion with her lately."
"What do you mean?" I talk to her everyday. I see her and Miyoko every day. I spend time with them every day.
Takahiro shook his head, annoyed I was missing something. "Akihiko, what did you always tell me about your family?"
My family? "What are you talking about?"
"The reason you have no relationship with them. The fact they were never involved in your life."
"My parents left me alone just to go on business trips to avoid each other. They were never home."
"Misaki says your home but you don't spend any quality time with Miyoko and we have noticed that as well."
I threw my hands up. "What am I supposed to do? I am sorry but your sister is terrible at talking for herself. What can I fix if she won't say anything? She says she can handle everything. I told her to quit school or get a nanny but she refused."
"You want her to give up her life to take care of your child."
"I did not say that."
"You implied it."
"Ano, excuse me." We both turned to the waitress, fiddling her hands. "I have to ask you two to keep it down or we will have to ask you to leave."
"No, we are sorry, we will quiet down."
She bowed, scurrying away. "Takahiro, I am going to have to ask you to stay out of raising Miyoko. That should be discussed between Misaki and I." He was insane if he thought I was going to let those two leave.
Takahiro scoffed, grabbing the coffee I did not notice he had. "To think you would turn exactly like your father." Excuse me? "Money is important to raise a child and I know you care about providing for those two, but you know Misaki does not care about that. And Miyoko is too young to even know what money is. But she knows Misaki, and you are not letting her know you. What will happen when Miyoko is three or five or ten and all she knows about you is that you are too busy to do anything with her."
"I wouldn't…" "Being in the same room is not the same as spending time. How will Miyoko remember your face if you are alway looking down? How will she know your touch if you do not want to hold her? How will she hear your laugh if you do not play with her? No money in the world can give you that bond with a child."
No. That can't be true. I am nothing like my dad. Right? "I know Misaki is partly blamed for not putting her foot down. God I wished she would yell at you. She keeps defending you, still saying you are just busy. Usagi, Misaki is struggling."
No...she seemed so fine...how could I…
"So Usagi, are you free today?"
"You don't have classes."
"No, but I have this paper due next week and I thought I could get most of it done today."
"Call Aikawa then."
"We can't keep relying on her. And it would only be for an hour anyway."
"I have work to do."
I am such an asshole. "Takahiro…"
"I know it is tough. There is no "right" way of parenting. And this is your first child, after years of saying you will never have children. And you were raised differently than us. And I know you love them but you need to show it a little more. This is something money will not save you."
God...I thought I was doing fine. I saw them every day, still spoke to Misaki, still looked at Miyoko's face. Was that not enough? I let out a frustrated sigh, leaning back in the chair. "Takahiro, how do you raise a child?"
He chuckled, "You will be terrible at it. You will make mistakes, you will be hated, you will get it wrong so many times. But you do it all, just to put a smile on their face."
"I don't want them to leave. I love them too much and I will be damned if they are out of my sight."
"Good, I hoped you would say that."
"I'm sorry Takahiro. I never wanted it to get this way."
"I know. I still hate you though."
I let out a laugh, "I don't doubt that."
I entered the house with a fresh bouquet of roses. "Misaki?" I walked into the living room, smiling at the sight. Misaki and Miyoko were sleeping on the couch. Misaki was leaning against the side of the armrest, Miyoko in her arms. My shirt was stained again. Piles of clothes on the table. Miyoko's rocker by her feet. I set the flowers down to sit next to her.
I already knew Misaki had a lot on her plate with school, her random jobs, and taking care of this place. Now I added one more person to take care of. So much time I spent reading on the post partum depression and I might as well be adding to it. I needed to get this parenting down, for her. Miyoko started to squirm in her arms. Her eyes fluttered open. Before I could blink Misaki popped up. "Miyoko? Usagi?!"
"Hey."
"Hey" She yawned, rocking Miyoko. "Welcome home. How was your meeting?"
"It was fine. Did you finish your essay?"
"Yes, Hidori came over to help watch Miyoko."
"I'm glad."
She looked at the clothes. "I'll finish these, Miyoko got hungry." She moved Miyoko to the rocker when I grabbed her arm. "I can hold her."
I have never seen her eyes that wide before. "Really? Are you sure?"
Not at all. "Yeah. She cries if she is left in the rocker for too long."
"Okay." She passed Miyoko to me, like passing a bomb without it exploding. The few times I have held her felt just as awkward as this. I grabbed her head, the only thing I remember, and folded my arms. She stared up at me, her eyes tearing up. A loud cry followed.
"She's just not used to you." Misaki said almost immediately. Her arms held out for me to give Miyoko back. I wanted to, the crying was making my ears ring, but I shook my head. I rocked her, trying to remember how Misaki does it. Just a few minutes all it took for the loud cries to turn into soft whimpers.
When the crying stopped Misaki went back to folding. I watched her until she was finished. I kept holding her as Misaki went to put the clothes away. Miyoko looked up at me with curious eyes. I turned my head, she turned hers. I blinked, she blinked. I could not stop the smile appearing on my face, only to be rewarded with a loud chuckle and a mouth full of gums. Too think I was going to miss out on this. If I continued to stay at a distance, would I have lost this smile?
"I'm done Usagi." Misaki sat back down. Miyoko fussed at the sound of her mother. "Thank you for holding her."
"I would do anything, if you asked me."
Her cheeks turned red. "I just...didn't want to disturb you…"
"You still should have said something." She reached for her but I pulled back. I didn't want to let her go just yet. "I haven't been the greatest father lately."
"No!" Her voice raised. "You just been busy and…" "Misaki, you need to stop making excuses for me. I know about the offer Takahiro made."
Her eyes went wide. "Usa…"
"I know I have been avoiding the responsibilities of taking care of Miyoko. I left everything to you and hid in my study."
"I…."
"I never wanted you to feel like you are raising her by yourself. I thought by being here was enough, it is more than what my parents gave me, but I realized that even being here physically, it is meaningless if I am not involved fully. How is Miyoko supposed to get to know me, when I cannot even remember holding her this close to see the small freckles underneath her nose? How is she supposed to know my voice if I don't speak to her? I am missing so much and I am in the same house as her!"
She opened her mouth but nothing came out. I shifted to get a better hold of Miyoko. She jerked before settling in. "I want to change. I want to do more with Miyoko. I want to be a better father. And I never want to hear you talking about leaving me again."
"I'm sorry."
I leaned over to kiss her forehead. "Don't be, I need the wake up, but can you please talk to me. I need to know how you are feeling and when I am messing up."
"You sure? I don't want you to feel bad."
"If I feel bad, then it's because I am doing something wrong."
A horrible smell filled the air. Miyoko started to whimper. "I can take her upstairs."
It was getting worse. I wanted to hand her over, but I remembered this morning. "No, it's fine on the table."
If her eyes could get any wider. "Are you sure?"
Not at all. "Yeah, can you grab the diapers and wipes?"
"Sure."
I placed Miyoko on the table, a smile on her face. Laughing at my obvious discomfort. Misaki handed me the items. "Are you sure, I can do it."
"No. Let me do it now before I run off." Misaki chuckled, sitting next to me.
Sorry for the long waits, a lot is going on in my personal life that disconnected me from this story. I am back and have time to dedicate to finishing this story. Thank you for your support and your patience.
Next on COH:
Another cousin appears
"Usagi…" I looked up from the computer as Misaki came in with a crying Miyoko. In her hand was a bottle. "Hidori is coming and I haven't finished lunch and now Miyoko is crying...can you feed her?"
"Of course." I got up to go take Miyoko and the bottle.
"Do you have to work though?"
"Not like it was going to get done today."
"Do your work." We both went downstairs so I could feed her in the kitchen. Miyoko (and I) always felt better when Misaki was around for feeding. I could see Miyoko's eyes looking for Misaki even as she ate.
"You need to hold her head higher. And I see her slipping out of your hands." Whoops. I adjusted my hands, the milk going down faster. "You are getting better. Looks like it all is actually staying in her mouth."
"Shut up." She laughed, reminding me of the first time we fed her with a bottle. She got fed two bottles that day, seeing as the first one made it more on her dress. I still think she did it on purpose. When she was done I lifted her up to burp her. "She likes it when you rock her."
my smile fell when I saw the green onions. "No."
Misaki did not look up. "Too late."
"I thought the pregnancy cravings were over."
"I still think they are yummy."
I turned Miyoko around to face her. "You are going to hate those."
"Don't you start. I will not have two people arguing with me about these onions."
"That's just twice the reason not to cook with them."
She rolled her eyes but did take out some of the onions. Miyoko fussing in my arms. Her time away from Misaki was up. "Just finished." She washed her hands before I handed Miyoko to her. She smiled, kissing Miyoko's nose. Miyoko cackled. I smiled in awe, leaning down for my own kiss. "Not in front of the baby!"
"Like she will remember." I kissed her again, ignoring the taste of those onions. I heard the front door slam open.
"NO ONE ASKED YOU TO COME!"
"AND NO ONE ASKED YOU!"
"GO BACK TO WHATEVER COUNTRY YOU SLITHERED AWAY FROM!"
"I HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HERE, UNLIKE YOU I AM FAMILY."
"THAT DON'T MEAN SHIT."
"QUIET!" I growled. Miyoko was shaking in Misaki's arm, scared from the noise. We had expected Shiima to show up but I was surprised to hear two voices. My mood dropped even more when I saw Kaoruko with her. The two did not get along the last time, both fighting for Misaki's friendship.
"Kaoruko? What are you doing here?"
"AH, CAN I SEE HER?" She rushed over to Misaki's side. Misaki backed away into my side from shock. "OH MY GOSH! She is gorgeous!"
"STOP SCREAMING, YOU ARE SCARING MIYOKO!"
"You both are." Great, now Misaki was trying to calm a crying Miyoko.
"Okay, everyone calm down." They shut up enough for Miyoko to stop crying.
"What are you doing here?" Last I heard Misaki said she was coming next month.
Kaoruko shrugged, "I got an early break so I wanted to come see Misaki and Miyoko." Her voice trailed, hiding something. "Aaaand I came as a sort of messenger."
"Messenger?" She nodded. She reached into the bag she was holding to pull out a white envelope. "It's from uncle."
"Usagi-chichi?" She handed it to me. I went to rip it but Misaki's eyes stopped me. So I opened it, read the first line, and then turned to throw it away. I walked towards the balcony for a smoke, the only place I am allowed. Misaki called after me but I did not want to take my anger out on her.
"What does it say?"
I had barely put the cigarette to my lips when Misaki answered, "Usagi-chichi wants to see Miyoko."
