Hallelujah! Hallelujah! I HAVE RETURNED! MERRY LATE CHRISTMAS! HAPPY BELATED HANNAKAUH! BEST OF QUANZA WISHES! HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I am SO SORRY about the lack of updates! Rest assured, I have NOT abandoned this story! I've just been busy with school, family drama, and colleges. Trust me, I've wanted to write, but when I have the time I'm either not inspired or have no energy to go through with it. Last chapter didn't really receive many reviews, and I base my drive to write based on how people react. Now, I don't solely base it on that, but reviews boost my confidence in my skills or bring to light aspects that could be added or should be changed for the sake of bolstering the plot. So, please leave comments with constructive criticism, or just tell me what you thought. Now, without further ado, chapter 18!

Disclaimer: I do not own any of Cassandra Clare's characters or stories.


Chapter 18: Resolve

No one slept easily that night. Kiara's face and her attack on Magnus haunted them all through the twilight hours. Magnus continuously reassured Alec and the others that he was fine, at least physically. Even so, they continued to fret, Alec most of all. None of them left his side until they separated into their chambers for the night. Alec stull held his hand and kept reaching out to steady him if it looked like Magnus was going to trip, and although Magnus thought it was endearing, at the moment it did nothing to settle him. In truth, he was just as worried about his sister as everyone else was, if not more so. However, Izzy was taking care of her now, and all he could do was trust in his soon to be sister-in-law. It seemed like she knew what she was doing.

When dawn broke on the horizon, everyone was asleep in their rooms. They were roused a couple hours later for breakfast, Izzy was still absent from the group. Each of them looked a different type of bed-ridden and ragged, some having bags under their eyes, some literally falling asleep on their feet. All of them silently made their way to the dining hall, deep in thought. Upon entering the grand room, they were greeted by Rafael, Max, and a worried Alyssa, who looked up at them with hope, which soon faded once she didn't see her beloved wife. Max and Rafael chattered excitedly as they stuffed their faces with the delicious food, but the adults had a difficult time with it. The taste, smells, and textures only made them lose their appetites, the worry in their systems overpowering their hunger.

Nearly an hour later, when everyone was finished stomaching all they could, the grandiose doors swung open with flourish. All heads snapped to look in their direction. Izzy and Lady Hannah entered, both of them supporting dark, prominent bags under their eyes and a slight sway in their walk. Immediately, those who were seated stood and helped the women to chairs, despite their insistence on not needing assistance. Once both of them were seated, the questions cascaded forth. Neither woman seemed able to answer, nodding off as they were bombarded, but unable to sleep due to the noise around them. Finally, Lady Hannah lifted her hand, and they all fell silent.

"She's fine," Izzy yawned before Hannah could speak. "We finally got her to sleep, but she kept waking up screaming at points in the night. She's awake now, but still very shaken from what happened yesterday."

"Does she remember what happened after that man appeared?" Magnus asked, dreading the answer. Izzy looked up at Magnus with eyes that gave him the answer he prayed she wouldn't say. All of them looked to Magnus, and he felt Alec squeeze his hand lovingly for support.

"Everything," Hannah said in a grave, quiet voice. All of them, even the kids, fell silent and turned grim. No words were spoken, but Magnus felt a number of eyes focused on him and waiting for his reaction. He didn't move, however, not just because he didn't want his children to see the true pain their papa was in, but because he didn't know what he should do. Having a sister was a new experience to him, and the new emotions he was experiencing because of it were terrifying, nearly as terrifying as the intensity of his love for Alexander and their beautiful sons. He didn't know how long the eye stayed on him before Hannah coughed and began to speak.

"After breakfast, we'll all go and see her," Lady Hannah said with her natural authority. "But first, let Izzy and I rest for a bit."

No one denied them their request. All of the patiently waited as the two women drank their coffees and slowly ate breakfast. It took them another hour before they were awake once more and ready to go back to Kiara. As they waited, Alyssa had went off the keep her wife company, stating that she didn't want her to be alone. Max and Rafael wanted to go with her, but Alyssa said she needed private time with her aunt.

"Is Aunt Kiara ok?" Max asked in his innocent way, holding his brother's hand. Alyssa smiled at the boy, trying to reassure him and herself.

"She's worrying about something. Grown-up stuff. She'll be alright," she answered gently, kneeling down to ruffle his blue hair. Max frowned in disappointment at her words. Despite his young age, the navy blue boy had always been able to sense when something was amiss when his family was involved. Alec could remember one time after a particularly devastating hunt that resulted in the death of an innocent mundane man, and how even though he hadn't said a thing about it and hid his emotions as to not worry the boys, Max had silently crawled into his lap and hugged him, as if he just knew his dad was hurting. Snapping out of his memory, Alec saw Max's eyes light up, as if a lightbulb went off in his head. He held his hands in front of him, closing his eyes and scrunching his face in concentration. Little sparks appeared from his fingertips, flashing erratically until they all culminated into a single form. When he opened his eyes, there was a shimmering, blue rose hovering just above his fingertips. He held it out to Alyssa.

"To make her smile," Max said with his own smile. Everyone in the room was speechless, their hearts filling with love. Some of them even felt tears pricking their eyes. The gesture was so innocent and so kind, so simple and yet it meant so much coming from the little blue boy. Alyssa's eyes were glassy as she gingerly picked up the flower by its stem.

"Thank you," she said, her voice thick from her closing throat. "She'll love it. I know."

With that, the auburn haired woman turned and walked out of the room, refusing to look back. Magnus immediately went to his younger son and scooped him up, hugging him close with a large smile on his face. He felt so proud, not just because Max cast a successful spell on his own, but that he was so kind and cared about others. It was a trait he learned from Alec. Magnus was sure of it.

"I should go as well," Lady Hannah said, standing with a tremble. "I must inform the people of the upcoming events. We need to prepare."

"Could you take the kids with you?" Alec asked gently as he patted Rafe's head. "Not to the announcement, but somewhere they can play or something? I don't think it's best that they be present when we go see Kiara."

"Wise choice," the woman said. She looked down at Rafael and up to Max, still mushed against Magnus's chest. After a moment, the serious expression on her face melted into a kind, sly smile that one often saw on the faces of scheming relatives looking to cause mischief.

"Have you boys seen the game room yet?" she asked them cheerfully. "There's a pool, and a video game system, and colors—"

"Pool?" both boys cried out excitedly, causing the adults to laugh. New York wasn't famous for having many pools, but their dads had taken them on vacations to the beach. The boys loved to swim ever since, and sometimes it was a hassle to get them out of the bathtub because they wanted to keep "swimming." Hannah smiled and nodded her head.

"You can go swimming, but only if your dads say it's alright," Hannah said, glancing up to Alec and Magnus. "There's a lifeguard and it's not that deep. Someone will be watching them at all times, I can assure you."

"Can we daddy? Papa? Please?" Max begged, looking up to his papa with big, pleading doe eyes. Glancing down, Magnus saw Rafael giving him the same look, clutching his leg. Magnus immediately felt his resolve disintegrate. There was a reason that the kids immediately went to him for stuff like this. He was the indulgent one who wanted to give their kids everything their hearts desired. Alec was the strict, reasonable one that was fair, but was hard and immobile when he needed to be.

"Of course you can," Magnus said happily, regardless of what Alec thought. "But do you have swim suits?"

"They'll be provided," Lady Hannah assured gently as she kneeled down to Rafael's height. "Kiara has all of her guests measured and has fitting swim suits on hand for any guests she has over."

"Yay!" both boys cried out. Max began to squirm to get down, but only after he placed a kiss of thanks on his papa's cheek. Once he was on the ground, Max and his big brother ran out of the room, Lady Hannah power walking to keep up with them. They all smiled as they watched the trio leave. However, when their voices faded in the distance, the serious atmosphere returned.

"Let's go," Izzy said, standing herself. "The sooner we talk to her, the better."

All together, the group of six made their way out of the dining room and through the halls. Most of them were quiet, letting Izzy speak. She gave them advice and tips on how to approach Kiara, as she was in a fragile state when she left. Everyone either nodded back or didn't asknowledge what she said due to being lost in their own thoughts. Magnus was most lost. He couldn't stop thinking about Kiara, worrying how she would act. He felt Alec lace their fingers and give his hand a squeeze, and he squeezed back gently. Before they knew it, they were in front of Kiara's bedroom door. It was cracked open. Without waiting, Izzy pushed the door open and poked her head inside.

"Kiara, we're back," she said as she walked in. "Everyone came to see you. How are you feeling?"

No answer. Everyone silently followed Izzy into the room.

The room was immaculate, pristine and everything set in its place. All of the papers Magnus had seen scattered around last time he had been here were gone, not a trace of them left. The bed made, Alyssa sitting on it, staring worriedly at her wife, who was sitting at her vanity table, her back to the guests at her door. At first glance, no one would notice that there was anything wrong with her. Her hair and clothes were freshly washed, face clear of any sleep, bags, or wrinkles, and her posture was perfect. However, once you took a closer look, it was easy to see something was wrong.

She blankly stared at the mirror in front of her, her eyes clouded over as she stared at her reflection in the glass. Her body remained motionless, not even her chest rose or fell to indicate she was breathing. Sitting stiff, she continued to stare, her feet planted on the ground, her hands set in her lap, her body never moving. At her side, the blue flower Max gave Alyssa sat in a little crystal vase, petals turned towards her. For a moment, everyone just waited there near the doorway, unsure of what to do.

Alyssa turned to face them, her expression helpless and desperate. Her eyes pleaded with them for help, etched with fear for her beloved. She looked ragged. After only a few minutes with her wife in this condition, she was more worried than she had ever been before. Never before had Kiara acted like this. She had had nightmares and night terrors in the past, where she buried herself in Alyssa's chest as tears silently streamed down with her quiet sobs. They'd experienced hundreds of sleepless nights due to these attacks that occasionally occurred, and Alyssa knew how to deal with every one of them. This was something on a completely new level; one Alyssa wasn't prepared for or expecting. Turning back to her wife, she felt her heart tremble in her chest, praying that their new family could help.

"Are you feeling better, Kiara?" Simon asked gently, almost afraid to speak. Most eyes turned to him, but Kiara's eyes remained fixed on her reflection. She didn't seem to hear him, remaining motionless. As they waited for her to respond, Izzy stepped farther into the room, moved to the window and took a seat on the bench bellow it. She was far enough away from Kiara to not be in her space, but still close enough to stop her if she lashed out or began to grow frantic. Looking to the others, she silently waved them to come in. All of them trickled in, slowly and timidly, unsure of where to stand or what to do. Simon approached Izzy, Jace and Clary took a seat on one of the large couches perpendicular to the vanity, while Magnus and Alec edged towards Alyssa. Magnus took a light seat on the bed next to his sister-in-law, while Alec remained standing at his side, poised but relaxed. After they all were set in their places, they all patiently and silently waited for Kiara to speak, following Izzy's silence gesture she made when Clary opened her mouth to ask something else. They stayed in silence for another minute, until Kiara let out a deep sigh of an exhale and give an emotionless chuckle.

"I am pathetic," she said, nearly in a whisper, laced with venom and self-loathing.

"Why is that?" Magnus asked the question.

"It's been decades since I've seen that man," Kiara said, her voice so quiet they strained to hear her. "I've long accepted my past and how much it affected me. I worked so hard to move on to a point where I barely think about him anymore. For decades, I learned to cope with those feelings of despair, shame, and fear that something like that would happen to me again. I thought I was fine, that I had moved and was strong enough to face it again. Yet, not one second after I saw his face, I was flooded with that old feeling of helpless terror."

"Terror is understandable," Alec reasoned calmly. "You suffered trauma because of him and you thought you wouldn't see him again. It's understandable that you would have some sort of extreme reaction upon seeing him alive."

"No, it's not," Kiara spat at her reflection, her brows furrowing and her fists clenching. "I've undergone hundreds of therapies and methods to cope with the trauma and scars that man left on me."

"Not all scars can heal with therapy," Jace tried to intervene. "Sometimes it takes action."

"Why do you think I fight?" she asked him, still not turning. "Even before I knew what Helena was up to, I trained in the arena far more than anyone ever did. I spent days at a time in that room and on the fields, doing my best to block out or express all that rage and pain I felt onto something else. I didn't become one of the top warriors of the land because of my dedication. It wasn't dedication and drive to destroy the wicked that made me physically strong. It was my constant fear and the anger I felt everyday. Even now, I still feel it. No matter how hard I try, it doesn't cease. It's like the ocean, ever moving and constant. Some days the waters are calm and peaceful, lovely to be around. Other days it has the destructive force of a tsunami."

"You can't be upset about feeling a human emotion," Jace said, his voice softer than normal. "And channeling that into an activity to better yourself is nothing to be ashamed of. You had a worthy goal as well, to protect those who can't protect themselves."

"My motives, though," Kiara barked though, slamming her fists onto the hard wood, causing it to crack. "It's my motives behind the goals and the dedication that are tainted! Don't you see, I'm no better than Helena! My motives weren't to help others! They were only to help myself! What makes me any better than her?"

All of them remained shocked by her outburst, unsure of what to say. Izzy looked worried, Simon looked fearful, Alyssa looked ready to cry, Jace looked stoic, Alec looked sympathetic, and Magnus…he wasn't sure what he felt. With a deep sigh, Kiara placed her elbows on the wood and placed her face in her hands, exhaling shakily.

"Maybe it's best if Helena takes the crown back," she said quietly.

"Alright that's enough," a new voice said from behind them. Everyone but Kiara turned to face Clary, whose green eyes were flashing with annoyance and whose face was so serious it seemed nearly adorable considering her attire of jeans and a pink t-shirt.

"Kiara, I'm only going to say this once because apparently no one else has the ovaries or balls to say it: get your head out of your ass," she ordered, her voice hard and fierce. All of them stared at the redhead with varying emotions. Some of them were pleasantly pleased, while others looked at her in horror. Alyssa in particular looked the most horrified, but her eyes hid a brewing thunderstorm of anger. In fact, her body tensed all over, as if she was forcing herself not to attack the redhead for her slander. Just as fast, their heads snapped back to look at Kiara, whose posture had stiffened slightly and whose head was now erect rather than buried in her hands.

"What?" she asked, her tone unrecognizable. Clary didn't flinch. She crossed her arms, leaned forward a bit, and glared harder.

"You heard me," Clary answered. No one knew how to respond that that. Jace looked like a kid in a movie theater, excited for the next action scene. Simon, in contrast, looked at his parabatai in panic, looking ready to slap his hand over her mouth and drag her away before Alyssa lost her cool. They all watched as she stood up and stalked across the room, her aura so fierce and demanding that it was almost scary. She stopped directly behind Kiara, who refused to turn her head. So, Clary glared at the top of the queen's head, which wasn't that far from her face. Seriously, even when she was sitting she nearly towered over Clary.

"This pity party has to stop. Kiara, this isn't productive, and you know giving up the willingly crown is the biggest mistake you can make. It's not even a decision you would consider. You're not thinking about what's best, you're just acting stupid."

"I am not acting stupid, I'm seriously considering it," Kiara replied, sounding tired and a bit miffed. Clary scoffed hard at that remark.

"I know for a fact that you're only considering it because you don't want to deal with what's really going on inside your head. You're doing this not because you want to, but because you refuse to accept something you did or feel, and need a way to express it. Some sort of self-punishment or cry for attention or whatever. Jace does that, and I've done it too, but I digress. Point is: you're acting like a child, and you need to stop."

"How dare you!" Alyssa growled quietly. Her tone surged with rage and a sort of possessive air. Magnus glanced at her, saw her eyes flash and her teeth begin to poke past her lower lip. Jace and Simon also turned to look at Kiara's wife, each with varying expressions. Simon still seemed terrified, but Jace's emotion had switched from amused to protective. His own hands reached behind his back for the knife he kept hidden there, preparing to strike if Alyssa decided to try anything. She was looking at Clary like a lamb for slaughter, and he wouldn't let that happen. He didn't care if he was in their home or if he was risking their alliance altogether, but he would kill the girl if she tried anything. Alyssa glanced towards him, and they locked eyes. She snarled at him silently, allowing her eyes to turn feline, slits so fine, expressing her focus. Jace grabbed the hilt and pulled it out just so she could see the end of the tip, challenging her to move.

Before either of them could make a move, they felt something grab them. They both froze, feeling a familiar force of gravity intensifying around them. The knife fell out of the hilt and clattered to the floor. The sound turned everyone's attention away from Clary, even Clary's. She turned to see the knife at Jace's feet, and released a gasp. Her eyes trailed up to see his face, to see his eyes that flashed between her and Alyssa. Alyssa's eyes trained on the redhead, still in their feline form, full of the urge to tear her apart.

"Both of you calm down," Kiara's voice commanded. For a moment, the meek, pathetic tone she had vanished, replaced by the authoritative, regal voice they heard when they first met. Everyone glanced back towards Kiara, expecting her to be standing and facing them, her eyes trained on them in disapproval and prepared to rip them a new one for acting like morons. To their disappointment, it wasn't that at all. She was still sitting in her chair, still looking blankly into the mirror, but her hand was raised, fingers twirling as blue smoke emitted from them.

"Alyssa, Clary is stating what she believes and she has every right to say it. You can't attack her because what you don't like what she believes. Jace, in contrast, you cannot immediately reach for your weapon as soon as you see someone you know glares at Clary or someone else you love. I admire your devotion and drive to protect them, but the way you are doing it will cause more problems than fix them."

As soon as she stopped talking, she dropped her hand, and the spell died. Both of them dropped their heads to the ground, fighting off shame and annoyance. Kiara, on the other hand, just sat there as if nothing happened, continuing to stare at her reflection as if she wanted to burn in hell. In an instant, she snapped back to her depressed state.

"That! What you just did! That's who you are! You are a leader! You're smart, protective, and you want what's best for people! You just told them to not do something stupid because it wouldn't solve anything, but look at yourself! You're doing the exact same thing that you reprimanded them for doing!"

"You barely know me, Clary," Kiara said back, her tone blank and lifeless. Clary stomped her foot, which earned a small laugh from Magnus and Jace.

"You're right," Clary said, her voice rising. "But I know you well enough to know that this is NEVER something you would do. This is fear talking, not you. You're scared, and you're trying to frantically think of a way to make it less scary. That's natural. However, at some point you've got to face the scary. I would expect you of all people to understand that, what with your job and your past! Answer me this, and be honest: do you really, really want to cede the crown to Helena?"

Kiara didn't say anything, but everyone saw her hands tighten into fists. Clary marched forward and kneeled in front of the queen, forcing her to look her in the eye. Her green eyes flashed and burned with fury and determination, her face set in a serious glare.

"When I first learned about what I was, I was terrified. My entire life shifted in a day: the father I didn't know was alive kidnapped my mother. A demon attacked me in my own home, and then rescued by strange people that no one else could see. My entire life turned upside down; everything I had ever known evaporated. Since then, I've experienced all kinds of horrors, just like you, and fear has made me do stupid things too. It's alright to be scared though, Kiara. Everyone is scared of something. I mean, Jace is afraid of ducks for Raziel's sake!"

"Ducks are cold-blooded monsters that one should never turn their back on," Jace argued seriously, crossing his arms in a childish fashion. "Just you wait Clary."

A collage of quiet laughs and snorts ensued after he said that. With his serious tone and childish expression and actions, it was hard not to find it amusing, even in their tense situation. For an instant, Clary thought she saw Kiara's lip twitch upward, but it happened so fast she may have imagined it. Slowly, Clary reached out and placed her hands on Kiara's shoulders, turning her around in her chair. Kiara refused to meet Clary's eyes as the standing one leaned down a bit and got in her face. Her face wasn't angry, though, it was gentle and tender.

"Think about why you took the crown from Helena in the first place. Think about all of those children who died and the other ones you saved. Think of how you felt as you told your people about the impending war, about the way you begged them to forgive instead of hate. There's a reason they follow you. They want to follow you. Moreover, they believe in you. They have every reason to, because of all that you have done for them and sworn to do to keep them safe. Are you really going to throw their trust away just because you are scared?"

She still sat in her chair, facing the direction that Clary had turned her. However, her head lowered, obscuring the bottom half of her face. Her eyes, though, they were full of clouded fear and guilt, something that was so powerful it seemed to seep into them as they looked at her. Her posture slouched and she dropped her head into her hands, breathing heavily, but not saying anything. This continued for a minute before Magnus decided he needed to speak to her.

"Could you all give me a moment alone with my sister?" he asked gently, his eyes glued to Kiara. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Alec turn to look at him, his eyes covered and guarded. Magnus quickly turned to his fiancé and gave him a firm nod of affirmation, and while Alec still looked apprehensive, he nodded back.

"Sure," Alec said for everyone, moving to the door and opening it for everyone. One by one, everyone filed out, glancing back at the two siblings before they each vanished through the door. Alyssa and Alec were the last ones out, each of them eyeing Magnus. Alyssa mouthed the words "thank you" to him, and Alec gave him another nod. When Magnus silently blew him a kiss, the door closed, and they were alone.

As soon as the doorknob clicked, Magnus waved his hand to lock it and cast soundproofing spells on the walls, as a precautionary measure. Once they were finished, he turned back to Kiara. Then, he waited. His eyes staying attached to her, patient and calculating. He may not have known his sister well, but he did know her enough to know she would talk when she was ready. So, quietly, he stood from his place on the bed and walked next to her. Waving his hand again, another chair appeared next to hers, and he sat down, remaining silent. They sat in silence for however long they did before Kiara opened her mouth.

"Have you ever seen a panic attack before Magnus? Or had one?" she asked quietly, her tone dreary but curious.

"I haven't experienced any major ones, no," he replied softly. "I have had my fair share of freak-out moments, but nothing that could be considered a panic attack. However, I have feared people or things so much that they have left me petrified and unable to think straight."

She nodded her head at his answer, her lower face still in her hands. He just sat and watched her. Then, she let out a deep, frustrated, pained sigh and dropped her hands to her lap. Lifting her head, she turned to face her elder brother. Her eyes swam with so many emotions that Magnus knew all too well. It was painful to see them in her usually bright and jovial eyes.

"Magnus, I've never been more terrified of anything than I was of that man," she whispered brokenly, like she was ashamed. "Demons, heartbreak, death, Helena, none of them come close to the amount of fear I have over him. My fear of our father is less than my fear for him. That man…I can't even call him a man. He was mortal, and yet he was worse than any demon I've ever encountered or slain. What he did…Michael, what he did…all of it was so…I can't even describe how horrific it was. Even when I think about it now…" She shuddered harshly, wrapping her arms around herself like she were cold. Her eyes screwed shut and her teeth clenched around her bottom lip, nearly drawing blood. Magnus gently reached forward and placed his hands over hers, rubbing his thumbs along the clammy skin of her fingers.

"Have you forgiven him?" he asked quietly, his voice tender and absent of any urgency for an answer. "You spoke to your people about forgiveness of your enemies. You weren't just talking about Helena, were you? You also meant him too, right?"

Kiara gripped her forearms harder, her nails digging into the pale skin beneath. Her body tightened even more, tensing so much it had to be painful. It was like when you turned the knob on a musical box. Turn it too much, and the gears inside start to crack and groan from the pressure. As a result, the box would either start to play it's beautiful melody with a sonorous appeal, or break all the gears inside and never sing again. That was Kiara's body at the moment, at that point before the knob is released or turned one final click. He waited patiently, not wanting to turn the knob anymore and run the risk of damaging her.

"Every day," she whispered, almost guiltily. "Every day I, whenever I see the scars on my body or hear the faint screams of anguish in my head, I must remind myself to forgive him. I must also remind myself that he is gone. Unable to harm me anymore, or anyone for that matter. But…Magnus, is it right for me to forgive that man?"

"What do you think?" Magnus asked quietly, moving his hands and adjusting his chair so that he was next to her.

"I've asked myself that question many times. I…" she trailed off, her voice nearly panicked and close to tears. "Honestly, I don't know. I know it's silly, but I was raised to be a religious girl by my mother. Faith is one way I honor her memory."

"Talk about ironic," Magnus quipped quietly, a slight smile on his face. "The daughter of one of the Princes of Hell going to church and dedicating herself to God." Kiara gave a small chuckle, which lifted Magnus's spirits. At least she was not so deep in despair that she didn't want to hear a joke. However, she turned serious a moment after.

"Religion has been a big part of my life, before and after my incarceration. My mom raised me to follow the path of Jesus, who said to love everyone and to forgive those who have wronged you. Now, I know you may not believe in him, but I do, and my mother did. He was the whole reason she didn't cast me out when I was born. Unlike the rest of her family and society at the time, her view on God's 'right way' was not cruel and judgmental, but kind and honoring the outcasts. Her desire to be as God intended was the reason she loved me the way she did. Jesus said forgive sinners, and he forgave everyone. My mother listened to Jesus's words and loved me as her daughter, even when the rest of her family turned against her. I strive to be like that as well, but this man, what he's done to me and to countless others, it's worse than anything the Romans did to Jesus or his followers! I'm torn between my desire to hate him and the little voice in my head telling me to forgive! It's so frustrating and sometimes it just makes me scream! Why do I still try to forgive that monster when I'm so angry and wounded for what he did?!"

She was screaming at this point, tears swimming in her eyes and her nails drawing blood. Her cheeks flamed red and her breath came out in pants. Magnus remained silent as she screamed, remaining calm and allowing her to vent the frustrations that must have been plaguing her long before Helena sent her attacks on them. As she finished, she shook in her seat, looking down again, perhaps ashamed to meet his gaze. Gently, he reached out again, placing a hand on her face, forcing her to look up at him. Their identical eyes met, his soft and warm, hers torrential and feral.

"It's because you are a good person," he said quietly. "It is because you are one of the kindest, most generous people I have ever met, and you always try to do the right thing, no matter how hard it is."

She scoffed at his answer, pushing his hand off her and standing. She stalked over to her bed and flopped down onto it in a melodramatic fashion. Magnus remembered all the times he had done that after an emotional outburst. He watched as she gripped the pillow above her head and brought it to her face, smothering her face. A muffled scream emitted from the pillow, drowned out in the fluff. It went on for a second. Then five. Then ten. Then fifteen. At twenty seconds, Magnus was seriously worried that she was going to pass out from excreting too much air in one breath, but then it stopped and she panted to catch her breath, her chest rising and falling against the comforter. For a moment, he stared in awe at her lungpower, before making his way over to her and sitting on the corner of the bed. Gently, he placed a hand on her back as she continued to pant.

"I remember the day I met you, Kiara," he said quietly. "You were smiling so wide I assumed you had to be crazy. Then you latched onto me the next second, telling me you were so happy to meet me. I was so off put by your excitement and joy that it scared me, and annoyed me. You pushed past me into the house I was staying in, running around the place like a child, looking at all of the décor and furniture, asking what they were and exclaiming you had never been in a city flat before. When you told me you were my sister, I didn't want to believe it, but you presented your evidence with such determination that it shocked me. After I told you to leave, you refused, saying you had nowhere to go and that you wanted to stay with me. You slept on my porch for two weeks without bathing and ended up driving all my customers away with your stench until I let you in."

"Why are you bringing that up?" she lifted her head to ask. "Just to rub in the fact that I used to be such a rude, naïve child back then and basically forced you to let me live with you by ruining your clients' desire to come near your home?"

"I'm getting to my point," he reassured her. "After that, I did my best to ignore you, because you unnerved me. No one had ever latched onto me with such innocence and joy without having met me before. Most people I came across were either fellow Downworlder associates, Shadowhunters who treated me like a servant, or mundanes that I either scared of with my eyes or encountered at parties or events for entertainment. No one ever treated me like a part of a family, not since before my mother and stepfather. You were already at your age of maturity, yet you were still so full of wonder and excitement about seeing all new things, even though you were already sixty years old and had traveled to come and find me. Moreover, no matter how coldly I treated you, you always smiled and wanted to talk with me. You never spoke an unkind word to me or to anyone who came through my door."

"What does that have to do with anything?" she asked.

"When we first got here, you treated us as you should have, with reverence and suspicion. After all, we had just entered your people's stations with the intent of discovering you. You treated us with a maturity and sense of strength that I recognized. When you let us stay in your house, even though you hated me, you treated all the others with respect and care, even though your people have had a history of violence and betrayal with Shadowhunters. Finally, when Alec and I asked you about our sons, the first words you exclaimed were about having nephews. Even though you said you hated me, you still saw me as a brother, even if you didn't care to admit it. Looking back on it now, I can see that even then you were trying to forgive me. It's not in your nature to hate someone forever. What they did to you will always hurt, but you love more than you hate. You have always been that strong, because that strength comes from defending those you love. Kiara, you love so deeply and so much that you will do anything to protect them. Why else would you have immediately jumped into the chaos of the burning city and charge to the most dangerous area alone? Why else would you hold the body of your enemy with such tenderness and care after you killed her, crying over her and how you begged for her to be at peace?"

Magnus stopped and observed Kiara again. Her head now rested on the side of the pillow, her face half against it and half visible. As he spoke, she had curled her body around to hold another pillow against her chest, pressing it their and hugging it close. Her eyes were cloudy, deep in thought, and perhaps a bit misty from tears of emotion. For a moment, he remained silent, allowing her to process what he had said before he continued.

"Kiara, you have always had the qualities necessary to be a good queen. It's in your genetics. You were born to lead others, because when you lead them you don't put them in front of you like shields. Instead, you act as the lead shield for them so that they have a chance to win. Unfortunately, acting as the shield means that you bare all the pain."

"Did you rip that line off Naruto?" Kiara asked playfully. Magnus laughed for a moment and she cracked a smile.

"Getting back to my point: you bear all of their pain. You feel so deeply for others and put up so many brave faces for them that you sometimes forget that you are allowed to feel the emotions you don't want them to see. You're just one woman. A strong, brilliant, bad-ass one, mind you, but still only one person. One person who feels, who thinks, who loves. Someone who has fears. Just like everyone you try to protect."

Kiara stared at him, her eyes wide. They stared at each other for a minute, silently continuing the conversation and yet dismissing it completely. Slowly, she turned her head away from him, and stared at the headboard.

"Thank you, Magnus," Kiara said. "Now get out."

"Huh?" Magnus asked. Kiara gave a soft chuckle at his surprise.

"I just want some time alone. I need to think. To really think."

Magnus looked at his sister, analyzing her as best he could. Over the decades, he felt he had become pretty good about being able to tell what someone's true intentions were by their body language. The subtlest movements weren't lost to his gaze, and he could often break down facades faster than anyone. His eyes grazed over his sister, looking for any sign of tension, anger, or pent-up shame that she wished to hide from him. He found nothing. Rather, she looked calm. Her entire body was relaxed, her head resting on the pillow like she was aobut to take a catnap. The only way he knew she wasn't asleep was by her eyes. They were open, but clouded. She was deep in thought, pondering something that didn't seem to be causing her any distress. He didn't see any signs of danger written on her body. He prayed his instincts were right.

"Alright," he said quietly as he stood. He stretched his arms above his head, sighing as he felt blood flow back into his legs and his spine pop. Slowly, he made his way over to the door and opened it. Turning back, he looked at his sister one more time, who met his gaze. Their eyes locked.

"Go," she encouraged. He didn't wait to question his decision. He pulled the door shut behind him and walked down the hall.


"And then Max tried to do a back-flip off the diving board!" Rafael exclaimed, turning to glare at the blue warlock disapprovingly. "He didn't even have his arm floaties on! Aunt Hannah had to magic him

"I could do it!" max argued, glaring back at his big brother across the table. "Dad's teaches you to flip! I wanna flip too!"

"Max, we've discussed this," Alec said sternly. "If you want, I'll teach you when you're older. You can't try and do that without me or papa. It's dangerous."

"You do it!" Max tried to argue back. "And Jace, Clary, and Aunt Izzy too! I wanna do it!"

"We couldn't do it when we were your age," Izzy said quietly, leaning over to look him in the eye. "Our mom didn't let us learn until we were older than Rafael."

"And trust me, it's not so cool when nearly break a bone on your first try," Jace chimed in. Alec sent him a death glare, not wanting to remind his sons about the fact that they got hurt a lot, especially after the fire incident yesterday. Thankfully, Clary was sitting next to Jace, and promptly elbowed Jace in the ribs, hard, for his carelessness. Also thankfully, Max and Rafael seemed to be too engaged in their arguing to pay attention to their uncle.

"How about we get you guys some dessert?" Hannah interrupted from her seat near the end of the table.

"Dessert?" the two boys asked, instantly focused on the one word. Hannah smiled at them. When her eyes flicked to Alec's, he mouthed the words 'thank you' to her. Max and Rafael had been having this argument/discussion throughout all of dinner. Rafael had tattled to them that Max tried to do the flip, but the way he acted about the subject wasn't with delight at getting his brother in trouble. Rather, he was angry at Max for doing something that could have gotten him hurt, and he wanted his parents to know. Max, in return, wasn't angry about being told on, or at least that wasn't the main focus of his anger. Multiple times, Max had made indications that he wanted to fight like Alec could as well as do magic like Magnus. The latter was easier to accomplish, but Alec worried about teaching their youngest son combat. It wasn't because he was a warlock. Alec knew that just because Max wasn't a Shadowhunter that meant that he couldn't be a warrior. In fact, with Max's determination that he had acquired from Magnus, if he could probably be as good as any Shadowhunter when he learned to fight. Alec's reasoning for not teaching Max was because he didn't want Max to develop an obsession with fighting, especially at such a young age. He had heard it was detrimental to kids. Magnus often laughed at Alec's fears, but he took his parenting role seriously and wanted the best for their kid. If Alec had his way, he wouldn't be teaching Rafael how to fight yet either, but with the Clave's desperateness for new Shadowhunters, he had to make sure they thought Rafael was getting all the proper 'training' a Shadowhunter child required. But he didn't want to focus on that right now. Across the table, Hannah winked at him in response, her eyes full of understanding and delight.

"We could have anything you want, as long as your dad's say it's alright. What do you say?"

"Hm," Magnus began playfully, tapping his chin with his glitter-polished nails. "I don't know. With all the arguing you two were doing, I don't know if they deserve dessert. What do you think, my darling Alexander?"

"I'm fine with it, but only if they don't argue for the rest of dinner, and are in bed by bedtime."

"We will be! We will be!" the boys cried out, jumping in their seats excitedly. Alec smiled playfully before turning to face Hannah again.

"Alright then." Hannah smiled.

"Now, what would you boys like for dessert? Anything you want, you can have."

"Cookies!" Max shouted.

"Ice cream!" Rafael shouted back.

"How about ice-cream sandwich-sundaes?" a voice from the doorway suggested. All eyes turned to see Kiara standing in the doorway, a light smile on her face. She had changed out of robe that she wore earlier. Now she wore a pair of dark blue jeans, black combat boots, and a silver one sleeve top with a black belt around the waist. Her eyes danced with delight, all signs of her earlier depressive episode gone. Upon seeing his aunt, Max immediately got out of his seat and ran towards her. Rafael followed closely behind with the other adults as they all stood to greet her, cautiously observing her.

"Are you ok?" Max asked as Kiara scooped him into her arms. Kiara smiled lovingly at the boy and placed a light kiss on his forehead.

"I'm ok, hunney," Kiara replied. "The flower you made for me was beautiful. I have it in my room."

"Made it so you feel happy! Alyssa said you were worried about grown-up stuff."

"Well, mission accomplished, my boy. Your flower did the trick! I feel so much better now! Truly, you are the greatest warlock to ever live!" As she made this proclamation, she raised the boy above her head like he was Simba from the Lion King. He giggled and squealed as she lifted him up and then down shortly after. Everyone gathered and watched the two of them, glad to see that she was feeling better and finally out of her room. When Max was securely on her hip, Kiara turned her attention to her aunt.

"Hannah, why don't you take the boys to the kitchen and start helping them make their special dessert? We'll join you in a minute. I need to talk to the adults. After that, we'll have a dessert party before bed."

"Very well," Hannah said, her tone slightly less jovial than it was a minute ago. Taking Rafael's hand, she began to lead the boy to the door. Kiara placed Max on the ground as they passed. He ran straight up to Hannah and took her other hand, completely ignoring his two dads and not saying goodbye to them. He was too focused on the candies and goodies Aunt Hannah was describing for them. Behind them, the doors slammed.

"Feeling better?" Alec asked. Kiara nodded.

"Much." She paused, glancing at all of them, looking nervous and unsure of herself. It was a strange thing to see, like Magnus uncomfortable. It didn't seem natural.

"Listen, I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. Clary was right. It was immature. I would never give Helena the crown."

"Even the smartest people have glitches in their brains," Magnus said. "Some more than others." When he said that, he looked at Jace, who ignored the warlock.

"You're going to fight?" he asked, his tone serious. Kiara nodded her head firmly.

"This has gone on long enough. I need to settle the score with Helena now. I've already let it stew for too long."

"What's the plan?" Izzy asked. Kiara looked to her in surprise.

"Plan? What do you mean?"

"When does the fighting start and what can we do to help?" Simon elaborated. "You know, strategy, evacuation, preparation, that sort of thing."

"You don't want to go home?" Kiara asked, looking genuinely perplexed. Everyone stared at her in shock.

"What do you mean 'don't you want to go home?'" Jace asked, offended. "We were brought here because of that bitch, and our youngest nephew nearly died because of her. Of course we're staying to help you end her."

"Wouldn't it be smarter for you to return home?" Kiara asked, not seeming to want them to leave, but trying to understand their reason for staying. "Helena did bring you all into this, and I don't think the fire with Max was any sort of coincidence, but you don't have a responsibility to stay here and fight with us. You all have your own families and lives to return to. You came here to find out who attacked you and why."

"And to see if it was a threat that we needed to take seriously," Clary interrupted. "Remember, our attackers gave us the message about a war. Its outcome could affect the entire world. That includes us."

"You can't put Rafael and Max in danger," Kiara said.

"We'll ask our mom to watch them," Alec said. "She never misses an opportunity to spend time with them."

"Kiara," Magnus began before she could interrupt again. "We are staying to fight. Yes, we would be safer if we went home, but we can't. Not after that night. At that moment, we couldn't not stay out of it. It wasn't just because of Max, though. All of us have seen people suffer, and its our jobs to eradicate the evils in the world. Helena is one of them."

"I thought your job was to attend to the Clave's needs in Brooklyn, Mr. High Warlock?" Kiara asked playfully. Magnus rolled his eyes.

"Kiara, even if we were to let you do this on your own, we wouldn't be safe. Helena has already targeted us once at home. We're almost certain that if we go home she'll have us harmed in some way. After all, she knows that we are here with you. If she wants to werecats to remain secret until she gains her power, she'll probably eliminate any source of information that she can't control."

"You've got a point there," Kiara mumbled.

"You're not getting rid of us," Simon spoke up. "We came here with a job, and we need to see it through. If we were to abandon our mission, then what kind of Shadowhunters would we be?" His tone was jovial as he spoke, but everyone could detect a hint of repressed anger, as if the words had caused him pain in the past.

"Family sticks together," Clary said.

"Um, please keep in mind that I still barely know you," Kiara reminded her with wide eyes. Clary shrugged.

"You're Magnus's sister, and all of us see magnus as family. Ergo, you are family now. You are part of us now, and one thing that you'll pick up quick is that we don't abandon each other. We're too stubborn to do that."

Kiara gave a chuckle. Her eyes looked to each of them, lingering just so as her face softened.

"The second you decide to reconsider, you tell me and I will have you escorted to safety," Kiara said softly.

"Thanks for the offer, but it's not going to happen," Jace said. "Instead of having another two hour conversation in order to prove to you that we won't leave and that we are family, why don't you just accept out help so that we can all go and make ice-cream sandwich sundaes?"


So there it is! I really hope you like it! Now I know that the revelations seem a bit quick, but I want to explain something. Kiara is an immortal, like Magnus, so she has been through a lot emotionally and relived many emotional milestones that we typically go through once or twice in our lives. What I wanted to do here was show a valid sense of fear and vulnerability to Kiara and even to Magnus. Magnus is already an emotional character who we love, but Kiara is my character who readers have never met before this story. Now, I felt a need to try and show her flaws as a character here more and show that she isn't perfect. She has major doubts about herself and as a result she won't think and goes into a downward spiral until someone snaps her out of it. In a way, she's similar to me. I need someone to tell me to get my head out of my ass sometimes, and I have to work on that every day. With my depression, if I let it control me or define me, I never get anything done, act like a moron, and make stupid decisions or actions based on fear or some other negative emotion.

There's also another reason this chapter took me so long: I coulnd't get it out. When I write a chapter in my stories, I constantly go over it to make sure it's perfect. I want to make sure I convey everything I want the audience to feel or see, and I want to make sure that the plot isn't predictable, stereotypical, se-through, or generic. Granted, this is my first story and I will be the first to admit that as far as general plot goes, it can be considered pretty commonplace. Who hasn't ever thought about their favorite characters discovering long lost siblings or new races or possibilities that the stories could have? It's just what I do. So when I write, I am super critical towards myself, and literally growl when I find an error I overlooked before publishing it. That also does for story structure and genuine character feelings. The whole bit with Clary was something new I wanted to try. After all, she and the other Shadowhunters aside from Alec have not really done anything in this story that makes them stand out. This was intentional, because I wanted the main plot to focus on Magnus and Kiara, with Alec also chipping in.

My reason for doing this wasn't because I don't like these characters, because I LOVE THEM ALL TO BITS! I am reluctant to try and write parts for Jace, Clary, Simon, and even Izzy because I feel like I will not do those characters justice. One reason I write from Magnus's perspective so much is because I feel I can empathize with him. I've made mistakes in my past that have haunted me for years, and have come back to bite me in the ass. I face a lot fo family drama, and feel very deeply about everything. I'm also like Alec in that I am typically very quiet when I'm in a new place, but when I bond with someone and become comfortable around them, I am protective, caring, and even funny. I think back to their scenes in the books and remark on how both of them sound exactly like me, even if what they are doing is disagreeing. I don't have that deep connection with the other characters. I do have some connection with them, but not nearly as potent. I feel my writing for them is sub-par, and that makes me feel guilty or unsure when I write for them. It feels half-assed, even though I spent hours trying to find the correct way to write Clary's dialogue.

Wow, that explanation took longer than I thought it would. Then again, I should have expected that since I always over-speak. I need to learn the basic beauty of brevity (Eh? Eh? See what I did there? Alliteration!). Anyways, please leave me comments about the story bellow. Remember, these comments help me fuel my desire, drive, and creativity for these stories. If you have anything to say, even nitpicks, I'd love to hear them! Constructive criticism is welcome.

I'll see you all next time! I love you all!

-KiaraBaneTMI