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Prompt from tigergirl-moonstar: Love story based on Remus and Sirius how they got together and their relationship how it was meant to be without Voldemort and sent to Azkaban
P.S. I know it's been a while, but I've been having a lot of issues with family, University, my anxiety, etc. It's kind of knocked me off of my writing. Trust me when I say I'm trying to write for my fics as fast as I can.
Chapter 8
Remus
Tuesday, September 1st 1981. What would have been my first day as Professor Lupin, had I decided to start right away, I was spending at home with Sirius and Harry. We had decided to give James and Lily a day to themselves, telling them to go out for the day, just the two of them. Besides, looking after Harry was a very welcome distraction.
Sirius and I picked Harry up just after nine o'clock that morning. As soon as we had stepped though the doors of James and Lily's home, Harry rammed into our legs, in his baby walker. He was getting faster, the little devil, darting around like there was no tomorrow. Well, that was no surprise, considering who his Father and third-cousin-slash-Godfather were. He was, as some referred to him, a pocket rocket. I lifted the boy up, out of his walker, balancing him on my hip
"Are you both sure?" Lily asked, guiltily.
"We wouldn't have offered if it wasn't, Lils." I told her, taking one of the bags she had prepared for Harry. "You know we love having him."
"I know, I know! I just... I feel like we're taking advantage."
Before I could say anything, Sirius swooped in next to Lily, wrapping his arm around her shoulders. He had that big grin on his face, the one that he always wore, and a twinkle in his eyes. Just typical Sirius.
"You better hush up, Lils." Sirius chuckled. "We're family. You can't take advantage of family. Now, hand over the sprog and go enjoy your day out with James."
"I hate to say it, but Sirius is right." James grinned.
"Oi!"
"Besides, if they can handle a one year old, then classes full of eleven to eighteen year olds should be a breeze!"
As soon as the words left James' mouth, I could feel my stomach churn. I hadn't really thought about the kids... I was too caught up in my Furry Little Problem, too caught up in how I would hide myself, that I forgot about the classroom full of students. Students that I would be responsible for, students that I would be caring for.
How was I supposed to deal with entire classes of children, teenagers, almost adults? How was I supposed to look after them, when, most of the time, I could barely look after myself? How was I supposed to allow parents to trust me with their children, when I could barely trust myself.
How could Lily and James trust me with their baby?
How could I trust myself?
"I suppose you're right..." Lily sighed.
"Well, it had to happen someday." James chuckled, gently tugging Lily into his side by her hand, Sirius' arm dropping from around her shoulders. "Anyway, I have planned, hopefully, an amazing day for us."
I watched as the two of them practically folded into each other, Lily unable to stop a smile spreading across her face.
"Ok, fine, I give in." she giggled. "Now let me say goodbye to our son, before we leave."
Pulling away from James, Lily took the few steps she needed until she was next to me, carefully taking Harry from my arm, hugging him to her. I watched as she told him to be a good boy, watched as she kissed him. I watched as James wrapped an arm around Lily's waist, placing a hand on the back of Harry's head. I watched as Harry grinned up at his parents, babbling nonsense with only a word or two that made any sense.
I had to look away. Watching the three of them together just showed me what I would never have. As much as I wanted it, I would never have that kind of family of my own. It hurt me. It hurt me to the point where I just couldn't watch them. So, instead, I made myself busy with picking up the rest of the bags Lily had prepared.
I suppose, the only good thing, is that I was a master at hiding it all. I was able to hide what I was really feeling, from my parents, since the age of five. I was able to hide what I was really feeling, from my friends, since I met them.
I doubt they had any idea, at all.
Harry settled fine when we got him to our place. He had been their often enough that it was almost like a second home, I suppose. The moment Sirius set him on the floor, Harry was off. He race crawled into the living room, over to the small toy box we kept for him. Sirius and I followed in behind him, placing the bags we had on the coffee table, temporarily. We watched as Harry, on his knees, hit his hands on the lid of the box, as if it was a drum. We watched as he attempted to take the lid off of the box, only achieving in grabbing at the edges.
"P'ay!" Harry said, turning to us. "P'ay!"
"You want to play?" Sirius grinned, walking over to the boy. "Can you say please?"
"P'ease?"
"Good boy, scoot over then."
As Sirius moved closer to the box, Harry let himself fall backwards onto his backside, just sitting there and clapping his hands together, giggling as Sirius opened the box for him. I started to move into the kitchen, when Sirius crouched down and helped the one year old get his toys out.
I grabbed a few of the bags along the way, placing them on the kitchen table out of Harry's reach. Usually, I would have started to unpack a few of the bags, take out the extra bottles and extra food Lily had put in, but I just wasn't in the mood for it at that moment. Instead, I moved towards the kettle, popping open the lid and emptying the old water before refilling it, placing it back on its stand, plugging it in and flicking both switches to turn it on and make it start to boil.
A cup of tea sounded perfect.
As soon as the kettle sprung to life, I turned my back to the counter, leaning back against it, my hands resting on it either side of me. I let my head lull back, eyes closed. There was only twelve days until the first day of the next set of full moons and, already, I could feel the Thing inside me scratching away. I could feel it wanting to break out. It felt too soon to be feeling It again. It felt too soon for the full moon to be so close already.
"Just breathe, Lupin." I muttered to myself. "Just breathe."
Yeah, fat lot of good that did.
Sighing, I waited for the pop of the kettle, telling me it had finished boiling. I moved on autopilot, grabbing the cups, tea bags and sugar. I didn't think as I moved, I barely paid attention to what I was doing.
Which was probably the reason why I ended up burning myself on the kettle. Well, at least it wasn't the boiling water.
After lunch, Sirius and I took Harry out. Sirius strapped Harry into his pushchair, all wrapped up in his coat, hat and gloves, the three of us just going for a walk around the village. It was cold and looked like it was probably going to rain, but it was worth it. We didn't care. Besides, Harry liked going for walks.
"Hey, Rem?" Sirius hummed as he pushed Harry in the buggy. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course you can." I frowned. "You've never asked before..."
"What was it like for you when we were at Hogwarts, getting sorted?"
FLASHBACK: Wednesday, September 1st 1971
Standing in the middle of this massive hall, hundreds, maybe thousands, of people all around us, staring at us, I thought I was going to pass out. Or, at least, throw up. I was standing with the three people I had met on the train, the three people that were calling themselves my friends...
That was something I never thought I'd say I had. Friends. I actually had people that wanted to be my friends, people that didn't think of me as a freak, right off the bat. I never thought I'd find that... However, there were still a couple of problems. First, there was that issue of me being a werewolf. I still had that to worry about. Second, there was the issue of which house I would be sorted into.
Dad had told me a lot about the four houses...
After the whole werewolf situation, Dad tried to be more open minded. Though, I could still see what he truly thought, no matter how well intentioned he was. It sounded as if he would be alright with me being in Hufflepuff or Ravenclaw, though Gryffindor was obviously his first and, honestly, only choice for me. Slytherin seemed to be a no go. Dad tried to word it carefully, but I could tell there wasn't a single good thing he could say about Slytherin house. Not that I understood why. It's not like everybody going into Slytherin was evil, right? People saw them as evil because of their views, and those in Slytherin probably turn slightly bitter because of those views, thus making others believe their assumptions of Slytherins were true. Surely it was just one vicious circle? Besides, Sirius said his entire family were in Slytherin and a few turned out good, not many but a few. That had to count for something, right?
I wasn't sure I knew where I belonged. Dad had told me of the Sorting Hat's song, telling me the verses of the houses. I wasn't sure I was brave, daring, chivalrous or had nerve like Gryffindors; I wasn't sure I was just, loyal, patient and unafraid of toil like Hufflepuffs; I wasn't sure I was wise, witty and smart like Ravenclaws; I wasn't sure I was cunning like Slytherins.
So where was I meant to go?
Where did I belong?
(Small Time Skip)
Sirius was sorted into Gryffindor, just as he wanted. To say everyone, well, those that knew of his family, were in shock was a huge understatement. Sirius, on the other hand, was whooping and hollering, running back into the crowd of us first years, just so he could tackle James, screaming that he had finally done it, that he had finally proven he was nothing like his family.
My chest ached. Could a family really be that bad? What could make someone want that? I wasn't sure I wanted to know.
It felt like, all too soon, the Professor reading out our names got to me. I was vaguely aware of the encouraging pat on the back from James and meek good luck from Peter. I was vaguely aware of the massive grin and thumbs up from Sirius. All I could focus on was people staring at me as I walked to the stool. I could feel their eyes burning into my back and head. I could feel their eyes raking over me, noting every single visible scar. Tugging the sleeves of my robes over my hands, all I could think about was turning tail and running. I wanted to get away from the staring. I didn't want to be centre of attention!
Before I knew it, I was sitting on the stool. The hat felt heavy as it was placed on my head, almost uncomfortable. I almost screamed as it sprang to life.
"Ah, what do we have here?" It drawled. "Yes, I've heard about you. The werewolf boy."
I could feel my heart in my throat, could barely hear anything over the sound of my blood rushing.
"You remind me of your Father. Yes, very alike you are." the Hat continued. "Tell me, where do you think you belong?"
"I-I-I don't kno-know." I stuttered.
"No? I believe I could find a reason to put you in any house."
"What?"
I could feel a bead of sweat start to fall down the side of my face. I could feel my shoulders start to shake.
"It's true. Do you disagree?" the Hat asked.
"Well, I-" I started.
"Do you not see your bravery, living with the wolf inside you? Do you not see the loyalty you have to those you love? Do you not see the intelligence you possess? Do you not see the will you have to do anything to stay here, to succeed?"
"I don't-"
"Tell me, where is it you want to be placed? Forget where you think you belong, where do you want to be?"
What was I supposed to say? I barely knew where I wanted to sit on the train, let alone what house I wanted to be in for the next seven years! It was a big choice to make. It was a choice that would define me and, probably, the rest of my life.
How was I expected to decide so quickly?!
Trying to regulate my breathing, I tried to look around the room. I tried not to make eye contact with anyone in particular, but I wanted to see if I could see what I would be getting myself into.
Which is when I spotted Sirius.
As soon as I was looking at him, his face broke into this massive grin. He gave me the biggest, least subtle, double thumbs up I had ever seen... I couldn't help but to smile.
"I want to be in Gryffindor." I decided. "I want to be with my friend."
END OF FLASHBACK - Back to: Tuesday, September 1st 1981
"It was terrifying, obviously." I told him. "Confusing... I wanted to hide."
"What stopped you?" Sirius asked.
"You."
It came out of my mouth before I had a chance to think about it. I saw Sirius' surprise out of the corner of my eye, wishing I could just take it back and, you know, actually think about how I was going to answer.
But I couldn't.
"I mean, do you remember what you were doing, whilst I was up there?" I recovered. "There you were, someone who actually wanted to be my friend, someone who barely knew me, grinning at me and being supportive... Not only did it help me decide which house I wanted, but it helped me calm down. You really helped me."
All there was after that was the same grin on Sirius' face as he had back then. It was getting harder to hide just how much he meant to me.
Sirius and I were keeping Harry for the night. We had a travel cot for the times we had him over night, not that it was that often since we spent a lot of time with the Potters. The cot was set up in our spare room, across the hall from both of ours.
It was around seven that evening that Sirius took Harry upstairs. Harry was always very easy to put to sleep. All he needed was a bottle of milk after a bath, resting on somebody as he drank it, no noise or flashing lights to fire him up again. It was at this point in the day that it was hard to see James in him. Any other time of the day, however, it was all James!
Curled on the sofa with a cup of hot chocolate, I kept my eyes trained on the photo album, in my lap, that I had brought down from my room. This particular photo album was filled with pictures from my years at Hogwarts with Lily and the boys. The first picture - Peter, James, Sirius and me, all of us gathered in the middle of our dorm room. The picture was taken on our first night at Hogwarts. We were high on the fact we were all in the same house, high on the fact that the people we had clicked with on the train were our dorm mates. It was one of the pictures I treasured above others. It was the first time in my life that I actually had friends.
Things had changed so much since that picture was taken.
I was too into the picture to realise Sirius had come back downstairs, not until the sofa dipped slightly, an arm carefully coming to rest around my shoulders.
"Don't think he'll be waking up any time soon." Sirius smiled. "Little sprog's knackered."
"Of course he is, Uncle Sirius kept him running all day." I snorted, placing my photo album on the coffee table. "I'm surprised he wasn't asking for bed earlier."
Chuckling, Sirius lifted his hand to play with the ends of my hair, a habit that had started during fifth year.
"Hey, Sirius?" I mumbled, leaning back into his had slightly. "Why'd you ask me about the sorting?"
Sirius was quiet for a moment. I didn't look up, I stayed exactly as I was. The past had proven it was easier for Sirius to talk about some thing's when he didn't have anyone staring at him. So I just sat there and waited.
I didn't have to wait too long.
"I was just- I was thinking about what it would be like for Harry. Whether he'd be like James and know for definite which house he'd be in. Or if he'd be like me and pray to Merlin to be in a certain house..." Sirius admitted. "Then I was wondering what it was like for you. I've always wondered, really. Especially since it took that old Hat so long to decide when, obviously, you belonged in Gryffindor, no ifs or buts."
I couldn't help but smile. Sirius was the only person that could make me feel better about anything, and he was the only person who had said that to me.
"Thanks, Pads." I whispered, leaning into him.
"What for?" he asked, frown apparent in his voice.
"Everything."
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