Title: Step At A Time
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: With the fall upon them, Olivia Benson and Brian Cassidy help their young children start a new chapter in their lives. They must work to come to terms with the new challenges and struggles facing them — including Benji's health, middle school, Grade 1 and new developments, colleagues and dynamics at their jobs. All the while they must make the necessary adjustments to their family and work life to operate within their new reality.
The story is set in the Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans AU.
Cassidy heard the front door open. He stopped working on his dicing and chopping in the kitchen and listened for a beat. But could tell near immediately it wasn't Liv's footsteps. Generally, she usually announced her arrival home too. Would've been some kind of new record on the F Train if it had been hear. Last he'd heard from her it just sounded like she was maybe starting to move out of her office. That always seemed to be about a half-hour affair with her.
So he wasn't surprised when it was Jack who appeared.
"Smells amazing," the Kid said and held out some wrapped up butcher paper. "Gio says 'hey'. And I say it's fucking weird – bordering on fucking sad - the guy in the meat counter knows you – and everyone in this family – by name."
Brian took the paper, muttering a 'thanks' and immediately moving to unwrap it. "It's not fucking weird. It's old Brooklyn."
"Right," Jack muttered right back and leaned against the counter (closest to the chopped up veg. Of course. Fucking Kid.). "You know you can spare me the whole back in the good old days, real Brooklyn talk. Again. When the Irish versus the Italians versus the Blacks versus the Hookies versus Creekies versus the Gardeners versus the whatever-the-fuck."
"Yea, well, fucking Gio knowing who we are and what we want from behind the counter – the old Brooklyn, the real Brooklyn – that's why we moved here."
"That's not exactly my recollection on how all that went down," Jack said, reaching for some the chopped bell pepper and popping it into his mouth.
Brian shot him a look. "Don't eat the merchandise," he ordered.
Jack just rolled his eyes at him. That was pretty standard.
"What's fucking sad," Brian shook his head at him, and started in on slicing the sausage he'd had the Kid pick up, "is that this neighborhood's got all you Millennials moving in and shutting out the Old Guard to open another fucking vegan coffee bistro whatever-the-fuck."
"Yea, that's real sad. Because, you know, sounds like South Brooklyn was a real high quality place when you were coming up. Too bad things have changed ..."
Jack reached for some more peppers and Brian shot him another – firmer – look. "Jack, c'mon. I'm trying to get this done. Don't eat the fucking Trinity on me."
Brian worked at scooping up the bell peppers, onions and celery now that the sausage had arrived. And because it was quickly becoming clear that if he didn't get them in the pan sautéing – they'd be eat down rather than cooked down. The Fucker.
"Yea, OK, June," Jack mouthed at him – giving him a smirk like he'd really gotten him on that one. "Where's Ward anyway?"
Brian just gave his head another miniscule shake at the Jack-Ass routine. At least this was just Jack's idea of bonding banter and not him being an actual prick. He pressed the veggies around the pan and oil to get them going a bit.
"They caught some break in a case. She was having to supervise an interrogation."
"Sucks," Jack said. "What about you? You having to go back in or something?" Brian cast him a questioning look and Jack gestured at him. "Couldn't tell you the last time I saw you in that kind of get-up."
Brian made a sound at that and gave Jack a look. "And see you in that get-up every time you're here," he said. Wasn't entirely true. But the Kid definitely wasn't in work attire. "Mustta looked at the calendar wrong. Didn't realize it's Casual Friday already."
"Casual Every-Day, man," Jack smirked. "Don't hate."
Brian wasn't exactly jealous. But would give that something positive about U.C. and Narcotics was the absolute lack of necessity of suits and ties. Still felt like some kind of fraud – if not a complete ass-hat every time he put one on. So every fucking day. Nearly. He toned it down a bit after he did get into the office – striped off the jacket, loosened the tie, rolled up the shirt sleeves. But still had to have the get-up around in case he had to go sit in on a meeting (which was more days than he'd like) with some fucking ADA or DA or ass-hat above him. Or ended up over at the court house.
But he also made a point to get out of that fraudulent illusion pretty much as soon as he got in the door. Fuck – there were a lot of days where he just left the undesirable parts of his get-up at the office for repeat use. Or outright changed before heading to pick up the kids at their shit. He hadn't gotten that far that evening. Still in his pants and shirt – though tie was gone sleeves rolled up as he worked on getting dinner together.
"Stuck in court all day waiting to get called up. Basically just walked in the door."
Jack shrugged. "So what's with the time-bomb act? When Mom's tied up too. You're acting like you're running all behind."
Brian just made a sound. "Liv's on her way home. Or she's supposed to be. And – we are running late."
Jack gave him a look. "For what?"
Brian cocked his head at him somewhat annoyed. "Meet the Creature," he said. "We told you that. On Sunday." It was fucking Tuesday.
"Oh," Jack said and seemed to think about it – for a beat long enough that it made Brian want to smack him. "Thought that was Thursday."
Brian gave him another look. "Ben's is tonight. Em's is Thursday."
"Oh," Jack said, again, acting like he was really considering that hard. "Do they go to that with you? Or you need someone to watch them?"
And Brian really gave him an annoyed look that time. "No," he said. "We don't take them with us. And, no, we don't need to you to watch them. Because, on Sunday, Jack, when we pretty clearly asked if you could help us out this week we got a whole lot of 'umm' and 'ahh'ing going on."
Jack just looked at him. "You know what would make it way easier for me not to 'umm' and 'ahh'," he said. "You guys letting me rent the garden unit."
Brian stared hard. "You know what would get us to let you rent downstairs," he stated. Because it was a statement. It was a firm agreement of terms they'd already had.
The deal was $2,100 a month – a fucking steal in the market – based on the understanding that: 1) Help with the kids was expected and would be provided at least twice a month and not moaned and groaned about if last minute shit came up that they needed a hand with; and 2) Groceries out of their kitchen was not included in the rent. Jack was still acting like that was highway robbery and completely unreasonable. As far as Brian was concerned it was the Kid who was being unreasonable. And Brian also didn't reasonably believe that Jack had any real interest in living in Carroll Gardens – or in his mom's basement. Or being in that close daily proximity to the kids – and the reality that they'd be wanting to spend time with him daily not just when he felt like it.
And maybe proving all those points, Jack didn't press the issue. "So who's watching them?" he mumbled instead.
"Cragen and Eileen tonight. My mom Thursday. Dropping them off at Cragen's on Friday."
Jack gave him another look. "What's Friday?"
Brian gave him a 'seriously?' look. "Ben's birthday—"
"That's Saturday," Jack interjected more than a little defensively.
Brian cocked his head. "Me and your Ma have been slammed. We need to go pick him up a gift and try to find and make a gluten-free cake mix that isn't a disaster – before Saturday."
Jack shrugged. "Just get Alex to do it. Like usual."
And he looked at the ass-hat again. "That'd be real fair of us when, you know, they aren't invited to his birthday."
And it got another shrug. "She wouldn't care."
Brian rolled his eyes. Because – yea – Alex had a whole lot of time these days with work and a preschooler and a house and life and marriage to manage. Just oozing spare moments to make them a cake she wouldn't even get to eat.
"Could just buy it," Jack said flatly. "It's New York. Not like it's hard to find gluten-free, vegan, paleo anything. There's a place near Renee's. She's like addicted to their cookies. Oh … wait. Milk Bar. It's like right here. Smith and … Second."
"You know, we never would've thought of that," Brian put to him. "Yet shocker - we'd prefer to spend like the sixty-bucks on something that isn't edible. Maybe even more especially when we're supposed to be limiting his sugar intake, Jack."
Jack held up his hands – palms out in some kind of suggestion. "It was just a suggestion."
Jack leaned back against the counter and Brian went back to getting the sausage tossed into the pan to get this jambalaya to come together (or at least be left simmering for the kids and Cragen) – before he had to be headed out the door again. Their plan had been to get there early so they didn't get stuck – or pressured – into signing up for some bullshit parent volunteer role. Stuck on the shittiest fundraiser or field trip or having to participate in like the composting committee or some shit. To look like they actually wanted – or had the time – to be involved in the school community life. Liv didn't come in the door soon, though, he'd definitely be on like Dog Poop Scoop Patrol or some bullshit.
"Where they at anyway?" Jack asked.
Brian stirred. "Ben's burning off some energy out back. Em's upstairs. Trying to pretend it's not entirely suspicious how quiet she's being up there."
Jack allowed an quiet amused noise. "Seriously, though. I'm here. I might as well watch them."
Brian glanced at his – Liv's … Liv's grandfather's – watch. "Cragen and Eileen likely already left their place."
Jack gave a little nod. "Then Thursday or Friday. Or whatever."
"Already sorted," Brian said flatly.
He wasn't going to wade back into his annoyance from the weekend with the Kid. Jack the only thing consistent about him seemed to be his inconsistence. One month it'd be like he didn't have any use for them. Next month he'd be on their doorstep four days a week. But it definitely meant he hadn't been much of a dependable go-to when it came to having some extra help with childcare. He definitely wasn't the first person they called at this point. His mom was always their first stop and then they went from there.
Least Jack knew not to press opening that door too far. He rocked against the counter.
"That's your jambalaya, right?"
Brian just grunted.
"The Captain will be pretty stoked. Mom not so much."
"Liv's pretty stoked about any meal that she's not the one cooking," Brian muttered. And gave Jack another examination. "You in the dog house?"
Jack gave him a look. "What?"
Brian shrugged. "Sure made it seem like you had a full week ahead of you back on the weekend. Now, look at you. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday suddenly wide open. Where's Renee?"
Jack's eyes stayed on him. There was a flicker there that Brian read. But the Kid just shrugged. "I don't know. You know how she gets with some of her clients. Some sad case or something."
Brian allowed a sound at that. It was believable. He'd been there. He was still there with Liv when some cases came into her squad room. But he also wasn't buying it.
But he didn't have a chance to press it even if he wanted to – which he didn't really think he did. He mostly tried to stay out of Jack's relationships. So far they were kind of fucking train wrecks – all two of them they'd gotten to witness. But Brian wasn't sure he had much confidence that that was going to change any time soon. Just was that they were likely going to have to deal with the fallout of the latest derailment when this thing he had with Renee went sideways. It'd kind of seemed like from the get that it was likely destined to be a fucking environmental disaster – even taking the Jack aspect of it all out of the equation.
He could hear Ben clomping up the steps to the deck out back and then the door opened. His feet scuffed like crazy at the mat by the door – but the shoes didn't come off before he charged right into the kitchen holding up a sad little jalapeño.
"Dad, look," he said. "There was still one left."
A green-thumb Liv was not. But she'd sure tried that summer with the couple garden boxes out back. Thought she did it more for the kids. Or just to spend time with the kids. They'd definitely had some fun planting the stuff and watching it grow. Not that it had really grown that well. Not with the heat that summer and not with Em treating the vegetable garden like some sort of sandbox turned insect observatory. Or Ben's idea of how much water the fucking plants needed given the heat. More like a swampy mud puddle half the time. A ecology experiment gone wrong. Though, they'd managed to yield some stuff that almost counted as edible vegetables. Beyond the lettuce, though, most of it was small and unripe. But whatever. The kids had still eaten it up like the were the fucking best farmers in the world and it was the best salad, green beans, carrots and radishes they'd ever tasted. And they might've had a point – organic as fuck.
"Nice," was all he said to Ben. No comment on the fact the kid likely should've let grow a bit longer before picking it. He'd chop it up and let the brave ones top their jambalaya with it. Likely would add a bigger kick when the thing was still this small.
Didn't need to say more, though. Ben full-on noticed Jack and any interest level in gardening almost disappeared.
"Hey, Jamin," Jack said and gave his shoulder a little tap. "Wassup?"
"Peedg," Ben sputtered with a bit of glee. "Guess what?"
"What?" Jack said, giving his nephew a bit of a two-shouldered rock.
"It was our first Exploration Day!"
Jack shook his head and gave Brian a look.
He shrugged – because he was still wrapping his head around some of this integrated classrooms, differential instruction, exploratory learning shit too. Definitely was not the middle school curriculum he'd grown up with. Figured it was another reason for them to get to the fucking Meet the Creature, parent orientation thing too. Get a firmer grip on what exactly Ben's year was going to look like now that they were locked-and-loaded in the midst of it.
But so far it only mattered so much.
What mattered right now was that his kid was about a hundred times happier than he'd been in his last two years of public school. Sure, they were still only in September – but they were off to a good start. Some signs of possible friends on the horizons. Teachers and administration that seemed to at least be trying to get it and accommodate Ben a bit better than they'd experienced at the primary level. No bullying incidents yet. He was liking the after-school programming. He was engaging real well with some of the topics and content of the units so far. The amount of homework wasn't entirely overwhelming them every night. There was sports stuff and science stuff and arts stuff that put what was taught at the grade school level to same – and that was hitting a whole lot of Big Man's happy places. So it was all just making dealing with a whole lot of daily life shit – and all the fucking hard realities and decisions they were having to wade through – easier.
"OK …? Awesome …?" Jack tried.
"YEA!" Ben provided. "And this year we're gonna talk about sustainability stuff. And our first unit is about food stuff. And we're gonna visit an orchard! And a farm! So I told them I was born on a farm. And that you know all about cows and milk."
"Great …?" Jack said and cast Brian another look of 'what the hell am I supposed to do with this'?
"YEA!" Ben said again. "And another unit is gonna be about city planning! So I told the teachers that's what you do! And you're an architect! And build parks and playgrounds and stuff. And she said it sounds like you should be an expo guest for one of our Exploration Days!"
"Oh …," Jack said and looked at Brian with some mild panic. "Yea, maybe," he tried – it was clearly a 'no'. He shook a Ben's shoulders again – a real shake, almost like he was trying to shake the idea right out of his head.
Ben squinted at him. "What happened to your arm?"
Brian looked back from working at pouring the chicken stock and rice into the mix. The short sleeve of Jack's shirt had ridden up his bicep with the maneuver. It clearly showed off a gauze bandage before Jack let go of Big Man and pulled the material back down into place.
"Just line of duty stuff," Jack muttered, attempting some side-eye Brian's way to try to catch if he'd seen anything. But Brian had already more than clocked it.
"Eat concrete?" Ben asked. "You tryin' to land a new trick, Peedg?"
"Umm, yeah, sure," Jack managed to get out. "You know, always working at expanding the trick-tionary. But, hey, talking about parks and tricks and stuff … you wanna grab your deck or bike and head over to Domino after super to stunt around the pump track a few times?"
Ben burst into wide-eyed excitement at that and looked to Brian. "Dad!? Can I?"
Brian really cocked his head at Jack at that – making his full annoyance with him more than clear. Though, he could tell it was Big Man that it resonated with more and the kid let out a little sigh of defeat – even though it wasn't directed at him in the first place. And that just made Brian look at Jack harder. Ben had enough disappointment in his life these days. Didn't need to add to it by stupidly running his mouth.
"Hey, kiddo," he offered a bit more gently to Ben – making real sure to give Jack another firm look as he did shift his eyes to his boy. "The Captain and Nana Eileen are going to be rolling in soon. Think they're really looking forward to spending some quality time with you tonight. And also think it's a school night and you've got some homework you need to do."
"But I'll see the Cap and Nana on Friday," Ben offered in a tempered whine. "And I don't have hardly any homework. Just a math sheet. It was super peesy. I did it at LEAP already before basketball."
"That so?" Brian raised his eyebrows at him – testing him on that statement.
Ben huffed a bit. "And we just hafta pick out a civilization for social studies. And say an interesting thing 'bout them and why they might be interesting to learn more about. And I already know what I'm gonna pick."
"Yea?" Brian put to him again. "What have you got picked?"
"Vikings!" Benji said firmly. "Like Magnus. And I can say all kinds of things 'cuz we've already basically read Magnus, Dad. And it's basically Thor. And we've seen all those movies."
Jack made an amused noise at that. Brian cast him a look – but he'd give the Kid there was an amusement factor to that.
"Yea? What about the Egyptians or Romans or Greeks?" Brian suggested. He figured that's likely more what the teacher was expecting out of the kids. But maybe coming up with Vikings would get Big Man some kind of bonus points. Might be a path less travelled. Nothing wrong with that.
"Or the Mayans or Aztecs," Jack put flatly.
Ben squinted harder at his uncle. "You're makin' stuff up."
"Am not," Jack said.
And the squint-eye set on him longer. Brian broke it up.
"OK, Big Man," he said. "I actually want to take a look at your agenda. Let's get you set up at the table. Know we'll both be in the doghouse if you aren't started on your homework by the time your Ma gets home."
"But, Dad," Ben whined that time, "I don't have any homework but that. And VIKINGS!"
"Yea, Vikings," Brian mumbled. "Get your bag. Let's see. And go tell your sis I want to see what she got sent home with today too. Chillax time's over."
Ben gave a bit of a dramatic huff and did his best to sulk out of the room and loudly stomp up the stairs.
Brian shifted his eyes back to Jack – and he made them go stern again. Because he was pissed.
"Don't pull shit like that," he said. "You know the plan. Cragen's coming over."
"I can take Emmy too," Jack said, crossing his arms and tugging again at the sleeve that had pulled up, trying to keep it in place. "Hit the playground."
"It's a school night. You know we're behind schedule. You know we like them starting bedtime routine at eight. You aren't going up to fucking Williamsburg," Brian put to him pointedly and then looked at him even more pointedly. "And put on a fucking hoodie. Or Liv's goin' be all over you about that," he nodded at the arm.
Jack tugged on the sleeve again. "It's nothing."
Brian shook his head. "Sure, Kid. Renee's reaction what has you over here?"
And Jack's arms uncrossed – the shirt sleeve rode up slightly again just showing off the bottom of the gauze that very clearly betrayed that the Kid had a fairly fresh tattoo working through its first few days over healing underneath.
"What's the fucking big deal?" he pressed at him. "You've got tattoos. More than one."
Brian nodded and looked back to his cooking. "Yea, and speaking from experience, you think your significant other's reaction sucks – wait until you get an earful from your mom."
"Whatever …," Jack muttered and sunk back onto the counter again, just starting at him working at getting the seasoning of this thing right. It was hard to find the sweet spot when he had people who thought pepper was 'spicy'. "You don't have to rail on me just for wanting to spend a bit of time with him."
Brian cast him a look. "That really what you doing there, Jack?" he said. They both knew that was bullshit. "You get lots of opportunity to spend time with him. We asked you to spend time with him, Em tonight. You told us that wasn't a possibility. We made other plans. You don't go derailing that."
And the Kid's arms crossed again. Brian just shook his head at that.
"You still haven't let Liv know if you're joining us on Saturday," Brian put flatly – but firmly.
Jack shrugged. "You still haven't told me what you're doing."
Brian cast him another look. "Does it matter? It's Ben's birthday."
And it got a shrug. "Yea, well, I'll likely come for dinner and cake and that. It'd be better for me if you did that Sunday. But whatever …"
Brian glared at him. "Better for you? It's your nephew's fucking birthday, Jack. You just said you want to spend time with him. Liv has filled you in on the kind of shit week we're wading through here. What's going on with him."
"Yea, well, I work Saturdays."
"You work?" Brian put to him. "You mean you go and fuck around at Gecko's."
"I manage the fucking Skate School programming," Jack pressed back. "And the fucking project I'm on at my 'real' work is all about public engagement and community feedback. My fucking employers care that I work at Gecko's and have a pulse on the community and the Grommies and their parentals. OK? It's not fucking around at Gecko's. It's priming a feedback group ahead of submitting a pretty fucking big bid that is a pretty fucking big deal that I'm getting to be involved with at all."
Brian just looked at him – and the tone he'd given. "Done?"
Jack exhaled and shook his head, staring at the ground and crossing his arms tighter. Clearly another sore spot had been hit.
"Sometimes if feels like none of you take what I do seriously," he muttered. "Not you or Mom or Renee. You all tell me to get a job and not do more school. And then … I don't know … I guess I got the wrong job for you all."
Well that was telling. And Brian again filed that away.
"All I asked was to get some confirmation on if you were gonna show up for your nephew on Saturday," Brian said calmly.
There was another long exhale. And the Kid finally looked up at him. "I'll be over by dinner," he provided – a whole lot more evenly. "Getting to morning stuff will be harder for me. So it kinda depends on what you're doing and when you're doing it."
Brian allowed a nod at that slightly more reasonable response. Wasn't great – seeing as Ben's birthday came every year – so with the kind of job the Kid did work, technically he likely should've more than been able to plan for it and have the day off. But Jack really just sucked at that kind of communication and confirmation and commitment.
It was this fucking lackadaisical route it took with being part of the family. Sometimes it was like he was fucking testing how much of a Jack-Ass he could be and they'd still love him. Or just how much they'd beg and plead with him to show up at anything. Like that was declaring some kind of profound love and need for him to be in every 'special' moment of their mundane lives.
Instead it actually generally meant he missed out on a lot of moments because he played these little games – one month. And then the next … it was all peachy.
It was just fucked up. And Liv was more forgiving of it in some ways than Brian. The whole Jack's fucked up thing. Screwed up childhood and abandonment issues and missing mommy and dead daddy and abuse and frontal lobe still (almost) forming shit. But whatever. Him and Liv had a whole lot of ticks on that checklist too and they weren't as much of a Jack-Ass as Jack could be at times. Sometimes Brian wondered if it had more to do with some kind of brain damage – rather than emotional baggage. Either that or there was just some kind of serious mental illness with the kid above and beyond PTSD and depression and anxiety and all that.
Whatever it was – still lack of real clarity from Jack on Ben's birthday. Basically radio silence on what his interest level – and availability was – for Liv's birthday. So Brian still didn't know if he was looking at booking a reservation for the family – and what kind of place – or if he was looking at take-out at home or if he might actually do the home-cooking and get to save the cash and take his wife out to a nice meal at a place she'd actually enjoy for them to eat at a time that grown-ups actually ate at and enjoy some time that didn't include kids (and/or an over-grown kid).
Just … what-fucking-ever.
"Ben wants to go to Governors Island," Brian provided. "Likely will make a day of it if the weather holds out."
"Weather is supposed to be shit this weekend," Jack muttered. "Rain."
Brian shrugged. "Yea. So we'll see what he wants to do if it's pissing out. We're keeping the Spy Museum thing as an option in our back pocket," he said a bit more quietly.
Jack rolled his eyes. "What's with him and the spy stuff lately?"
"Gee, don't know," Brian said. "It's like he's got parents who are detectives or something."
Jack made something that was sort of amused but more annoyed noise. "I'll likely be able to meet you by like 11:30, noon."
"OK …," Brian allowed. It was reasonable. In some ways it was better. Gave him and Liv the morning with their kids. Let them have their family time. Their traditions. Go at their own pace. And their own rules. Jack was family but sometimes his actions and attitude throw a bit of a wrench into things. Really depended on the Jack they got on a given day.
"And no one's coming to dinner? Dinner's still here, right?"
Brian shrugged. "Yea. We're just planning on tacos. And my mom. Cragen, Eileen. I invited Johnny. He's about as good as you about getting back to me and firming up on shit."
Jack exhaled at that and gazed at him. "Renee invited to any of this?"
Brian allowed a little shrug at that, cocking his head a bit. "Your call."
And he left it at that – because they both knew that the kids interacted with Jack differently when Renee was around. Ben just didn't interact with him much – at least not when he was near Renee. And Em usually took more of an interest in being a social butterfly with the girlfriend. Either way – the dynamic definitely changed. The kids knew Renee. But who she was – and her role and dynamic and place – in their lives and the family unit. All this relationship shit had shifted it. She'd gone from someone Mommy was 'friends' with to Jack's 'girlfriend'. It was more than kind of confusing to the kids – even if they did like her. So, yea. Up to Jack to decide how he felt about that and what he wanted out of the day – Ben's day. And what that meant about if Renee should be there or not.
There was a thud upstairs and both their eyes drifted that way. Brian could tell it was in the kids' bedroom – not the little playroom. But they made a bad habit out of jumping off the upper bunk. Treated the set up in there like some kind of jungle gym.
"Sure taking a real long time for your butts and your backpacks to appear down here," Brian called.
There was some loud whispering between the kids but then it grew quiet again. Brian shook his head and looked back to Jack. The kid was just staring at him.
"What?" he nodded at him.
Jack exhaled slow and shook his head long and slow as he did.
"Da—" he started and came to a abrupt stop and cast embarrassed eyes at him briefly before staring at the ground. Those arms going tight around himself again. "I mean, Brian …"
Brian kept his eyes on him for a long beat. Weighed that. Jack had had some slip ups immediately after talking to the kids and then talking to him. Using "your dad" with the kids and then moving right into conversation with him and it getting garbled in there too. They never commented on it when it happened. Neither of them.
This was very different slip-up than those other times. But Brian also knew it wasn't something to provide any kind of comment on either. It was a slip. He wasn't Jack's dad. Didn't know what he was. Liv's boyfriend-turned-husband. Sometimes he felt like something like a big brother or uncle or just … whatever Johnny was to him. Another relationship that was hard to put any kind of label on. So it was more about the timing of the slip up. The tell about what might be going on with the kid or through his head for him to be there and to be sulking around like this.
"So, I think I've kinda fucked things up with Renee," Jack provided quietly, giving another glance off toward the stairs – listening for a beat to see if the kids were coming back down yet.
Brian nodded at that and shifted – out of common courtesy – his attention back to working at getting skillet to simmer now that the rice and tomatoes were in there. "What happened?" he asked.
Jack shrugged and slouched against the counter some more. "She finally let me fuck her."
Brian pushed the food around with the spoon. "She finally let you fuck her or you finally let her fuck you?" he put flatly.
He was pretty sure Jack's own issues were as much of a stalling point in him having any kind of active sex life than they were of any romantic partner. Pretty sure that was part of the breakdown of his and Christina's relationship. And pretty sure it likely contributed to whatever blue balls he had going on with Renee.
Brian got it. He'd been there. From a whole lot of different perspectives. This kind of shit fucked you up. Fucked your sexual response and sexual desires up. Fucked your performance up. Made you just not even want to think about it. Sometimes celibacy seemed like a better option. Maybe not so much to the other party in the relationship, though.
And that hung there for a long time. Long enough that Brian gave the kid a glance. He was staring at the floor for that one. There was some confirmation of some sort. At least some acknowledgement.
"You guys have been together a while," Brian provided.
Jack gripped at his crossed arms again and gave a little shrug. "Yea. I guess. I don't know. Depends on how you count."
Brian made a little noise at that and gave the kid a look. "Yea. I hear you. Twenty-one years or seven. Take your pick."
Jack allowed a little nod but was still staring at the floor. "Honestly, shit started to shift into the, you know, something realm, got real realm, like a year ago. Not like February. Like Ben's birthday last year. Remember? She dropped in. Mom invited her."
Brian nodded. "Bit of a wait."
The kid's head just bobbed at that. "We did other stuff," he put out there in a mumbled whisper. "It was … is … just … complicated."
"Sure …," Brian allowed.
And it hung there again. So he cast Jack another look.
"You guys care about each other enough – respect each other enough – you wait that long, I'm calling bullshit on anyone 'fucking' anyone," Brian put to him.
There was another long exhale and Jack looked up at him. "I told her I loved her."
And there was a beat.
"That happens," Brian offered.
Jack looked him right in the eyes. "I was inside her when I said it."
And it hung there again.
Brian made himself shrug. "OK," he allowed. "Sometimes that happens too."
"Yea … right …," Jack muttered.
"What'd she say?"
Jack shook his head. "She sorta said it back. But then not after. And we were at her place and her roommate was around in the morning. And so we didn't talk about any of it. And now … I don't know. She hasn't been responding to my texts. All I've heard from her is that … work. You know?"
"Maybe she's busy with work," Brian said.
"Or she's ghosting me because I freaked her the fuck out and she doesn't feel that way at all."
"Or she's freaked the fuck out because you're the first guy she's had anything real with since what happened to her and that's enough of an emotional minefield – and a whole other layer got added to it with that slipping out of your mouth."
"Yea. So I fucked up," Jack said. "I fucked it up. Us up."
Brian shrugged a bit. "Jack, no matter how you cut it – two people who are willing to work through the other's shit for almost a year – care about each other. OK? Yea. You probably freaked her out a bit. She likely just needs some time to sort out how she feels. You should probably be using the lull to figure that out too."
"What's that mean?"
Brian gave him a look. "Do you still feel like you love her now? Or did you just love you were finally getting your dick wet with someone you felt you could trust?"
Jack made a little noise. "I don't fucking know," he muttered. "I thought I knew …"
"Yea, well. Most of us aren't exactly thinking much when we're balls deep …," Brian said.
Jack sighed and stared at the floor. "She's … an amazing friend."
Brian shrugged. "My experience – adding sex to an amazing friend – it's complicated. And it can take fucking years to sort out."
Jack looked at him at that. He opened his mouth like he was going to say something else. But then the front door open.
"Hi," Liv called as she stepped in. "I'm so sorry I'm running lately. Something smells great."
And the rhino hooves of their kids started charging back down the steps with shrieks of 'Mommy' and her chattering at them as Brian knew they were barging into her for a full-on hug.
And he just looked at Jack – his sullen, embarrassed face.
"You respect her," Brian stated. "Care about her. Share a history. A foundation. Very least. So don't sulk around here and wait twelve years to talk to her and work at figuring it out," he said.
