Title: Step At A Time
Author: ZombieJazz
Fandom: SVU
Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.
Summary: With the fall upon them, Olivia Benson and Brian Cassidy help their young children start a new chapter in their lives. They must work to come to terms with the new challenges and struggles facing them — including Benji's health, middle school, Grade 1 and new developments, colleagues and dynamics at their jobs. All the while they must make the necessary adjustments to their family and work life to operate within their new reality.
The story is set in the Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans AU.
Olivia allowed Dr. Lindstrom a small smile as he held the door open for her to enter his office.
"Olivia," he greeted with a gentle smile of his own. "It's been a while."
She nodded with a little sigh, as she forced herself to find a seat and to try to feel comfortable in there. It always took a bit of time – no matter how comfortable and safe he made her feel.
It still took a lot of self-reminders – and some force on her part – to get herself to relax and let her walls down. To actually talk to him and to accept his help and guidance. She sometimes had to remind herself she was doing this for her – to be a better person, to be her best self. A better mother and partner and boss and wife. But mostly – for her. For her own well being and sanity.
"I know, I'm sorry," she said, though she knew it wasn't him who needed an apology. And he'd probably tell her just as much by the end of the session. It was herself that she needed to apologize to. Because by skipping and putting off their appointments - it was putting her own person and needs on the backburner – again, as usual.
But she sputtered on with her apology anyway: "I'd meant to schedule an appointment for after our vacation. But we got home and sucked right into back-to-school and playing catch-up at work. This time of year is busy enough there. And then Benji …" Benji. That was probably the real reason – the need that had driven her to schedule this session. But she wasn't sure she was entirely ready to wade into that immediately. "It was his birthday on the weekend," she provided instead in her ongoing timeline of excuses. She gave her head a bit of a shake. "The fall – now until the end of the year – it's always such a black hole. I guess I'm trying to pull myself out before I really disappear into it."
She knew Lindstrom was reading her – and every comment. Olivia knew that she'd been seeing him on-and-off long enough that he likely more than knew her tells and half-truths and defensive shields. He would've seen all of that drawn-out explanation for what it was. But he still gave her a small smile again and settled himself onto the chair next to the one she'd selected.
It was the one she always selected. But she was sure every patient was the same. They had a place that they favored and went to that comfort spot each and every appointment.
"How was your vacation?" Lindstrom asked – clearly having decided that was the best starting point or entry point into this overdue session. Maybe he was right. It somehow did feel easiest. But it also felt so long ago now. It felt like she was already counting down to another vacation that was somewhere far off in the distant future that she wasn't sure how to get to.
"Oh, you know, it was the 'honeymoon' anyone would dream about," she quipped, providing the air quotes for him. Though, she knew that her defensive quips and bits of sarcasm were always something he immediately picked up on – and generally frowned on. The ones he sometimes gently chastised her against. It was a form of self-deprecation.
But Lindstrom only tilted his head at her a little and sat back just slightly in his chair, as she crossed and uncrossed her legs, still trying to find the way to sit that made her most comfortable.
"You'd talked about taking the children to one of the theme parks?"
"I did," she allowed. "And we did. The Universal parks. We managed to hit all three – briefly. We barely scratched the surface." It got a smile out of him. A more sincere one – where she did her own clocking. She'd caught a glimpse of a tell in him. "You've been?" she put to him, even though she knew he generally redirected her when she started being the one asking questions. It wasn't why she was there. It wasn't an interrogation she was leading.
"I have," he allowed with a small nod. "But I suspect a lot has changed since then. And that ours approached it as much more of a command-and-conquer mission than your family."
Olivia allowed her own little smile. Lindstrom rarely said anything about his family – which was expected and accepted. It was a line in the therapist-patient relationship. But he must've known that she'd looked into him to have some concept of who he was and the kind of man and therapist he was – before she sent victims his way, before she'd sent Jack his way and before she'd settled into seeking some help from him herself. She knew he was pushing twenty-years her senior. That he was on his second marriage but had been with her for nearly forty years; that they had raised two children who would be in their 30s by now; and, a passing comment he'd let slip had been made Olivia more than suspected he'd been a grandfather for at least a few years at this point.
"Command-and-conquer we did not," she confirmed. "I know when Eileen's grandchildren visit – some of her daughter's kids are teenagers – and they go and manage a whole park in a day. I can't imagine. We did a land within a park. That was enough for a day. We didn't even venture into the Harry Potter Land."
"Oh, then, you'll have to go back …," he said with a small tease to his voice.
She again gave him a thin smile. But didn't respond. Everyone kept saying that. Eileen was horrified they didn't even attempt the 'Wizard World'. But they'd more than filled their days and the kids just weren't that into Harry Potter yet to make it worth it.
"How did Benji and Emily handle it? I know you were concerned about that," he redirected.
She nodded a little. "They did really well," she allowed and let herself rest her elbow against the back of the chair and her head find her hand for support as she examined him as he examined her. But she let herself smile a little while she thought of them. She let herself exhale – a sigh of relief almost.
"They're fun ages. Just … watching more and more of their personalities and interests come out. How they interacted with different parts of the experience. What they wanted to do. Emily is really No Fear. A little dare devil. She was a lot more interested in some of the more intense rides than Benji. I wasn't … exactly surprised by that. But it was interesting to see how it played out. She was so adamant rollercoasters were scary before we went in – and then, nope, she's pulling Daddy into line while Benji and I went and did the comic drawing class yet again."
Lindstrom smiled at that but looked her a bit more in the eye. "And how did Brian do? You had concerns about that too."
She sighed a little and shrugged. "He's … hypervigilant," she finally settled on. "He had a couple … unnecessary confrontations when he felt people were … looking at him or the kids the wrong way."
"And how'd you handle that?"
She exhaled and shook her head. "The way I always do. Calm him down and apologize to the person who's head he bit off."
Lindstrom just gazed at her for that comment.
She deflected again, "But … even with the crowds and us having to do some real tag-teaming with the kids, I think he had fun. I mean … he put up so much of a fight about getting down to Florida with the kids, but he's actually expressed interest in wanting to go back. And after being so opposed to doing a theme park with the kids – especially Disney – he has even floated trying a couple of their parks next time we go down."
Lindstrom took that in for a moment. "That sounds fun."
She shrugged. "I hope so. If it happens. It only took us … five years to agree on this trip."
He allowed her a thin smile. "And did you manage to get some alone time together on this vacation?"
She nodded and rubbed at her eyebrow. "We did," she allowed. "It was our 'honeymoon' after all," she quipped again. But Lindstrom again just gave her that examination. And she sat back a bit in her chair. "Don and Eileen were happy to take them. We had had a couple hours to ourselves most days and got in a few dinners on our own."
"And how was that?" he asked when she didn't provide more.
"It was nice," Olivia said. "We don't get a lot of that … in daily life. At home. We had been trying to make more time for it, but …" she shrugged and gave Lindstrom a thin smile. "Brian actually … he'd expressed last week we were falling back into that trap again. He … wants us to pull ourselves out of that black hole too … before we're sucked into it again."
"And what about you? Is that what you want?"
She tried another joke. "I don't usually turn down a nice dinner out that someone else is paying for." But it only got a tilted head again – that gentle chastise at her defensive mechanism. So she sighed. "He's right. We do need to make the time." She shook her head a bit. "I guess I get frustrated about … how hard we have to work at finding the time to connect. But I know … we … I … need to make the time to keep working on our relationship. And, I guess I find that frustrating too."
"Relations – and marriage – tend to be a lot of work."
She rolled her eyes a little at that. "I guess it's good to know we aren't alone." But she caught he hadn't liked the eye roll and she sighed. "I just sometimes feel like it would be very easy for Brian and I to slip into being glorified roommates again."
He nodded. "And, Olivia, you might be surprised how many couples feel that way when the relationship is being balanced with our jobs and raising our children. You're right – relationships and marriage – they are a lot of work and they do require us to make the time and put in the active effort to maintain them."
She made a small sound of acknowledgement but just kind of stared at the back ledge of the chair she was in.
"Is that what you'd like to work on today? Talking about these first months of your marriage? What married life means to you? What your relationship with Brian looks like right now? Or what you'd like from it in the future?"
She sighed a bit. "I think I'm still working at learning what exactly it means to be a wife," she admitted. "And, it sounds …" she shook her head and rolled her eyes at herself again. "I've known Brian so long. I've been with him – raising children with him – for so long. I guess I didn't really expect much to change with the title of 'wife'."
"What do you feel has changed?"
"Everything and nothing," she quipped and then added quickly, "That's what Brian says. And he's right. It's changed everything and nothing."
"Explain to me what you mean by that," he said.
She allowed herself another slow exhale and stared at the wall off behind him. "There's been positives," she said. "There's absolutely been positives in the changes. And … some of the changes I feel … they aren't necessarily bad and they aren't anything he's really done or asked of me. It's more like …" She took another deep breath and made herself look at Lindstrom. "I think before – without being his wife – there were certain checkboxes that I just didn't feel it was my responsibility to tick off for him. And now I do."
"Can I ask what some of those checkboxes are?" he put to her carefully.
She gauged the response – and tone of the question. "Not those kind of checkboxes," she sighed but then shook her head a bit. "But … yes, our … intimacy has changed too. But that's more connected to …" she made a little gesture and looked at him. She always felt awkward – and like some kind of traitor – when she brought Brian's trauma and past baggage into her sessions.
"I suspect that it all might be connected," Lindstrom said.
She stared passed him at his bookshelves again. "You're right," she finally admitted. "I … we've been doing this … thing, for a while. To get him better at telling me what he needs from me. Friend, partner, lover, wife."
"I'd say all those are closely connected too. The first three – creating the fourth, Olivia. A partner, friend and lover should generally yield a spouse."
She exhaled a bit. "I know that. But somehow the first three – separately – feel easier. I guess as his wife, I feel more responsible for him. And to him. I keep finding myself feeling compelled to take care of him in … just a different way than before." She let herself look at Lindstrom again. "I find myself … trying to comfort him a lot. And I don't mean …"
"You're feeling a bit more like a stereotype than you'd like? The submissive, doting wife?"
She tilted her head at him and allowed him a thin smile. "Maybe," she allowed. "But the funny thing is – I'm sure Brian would tell you that submissive and doting are not checkboxes I come anywhere near ticking off. And he hates – HATES – if he feels like I'm mothering him. And, I hate it when I go into that mode too. I'm not his mother. He has a mother. He's a grown man. But sometimes … I do see … the young man or the boy. And … " she sighed. "I do go into mothering mode. I know I do."
"Comforting and taking care of those were romantically love does not mean we are going into mothering mode," Lindstrom said. "I am very sure the way you and Brian comfort each other and take care of each other is different than the love, comfort and care you direct at your children. It sounds like you might be projecting a bit onto Brian?"
She shrugged. "I know I am doing that too. I know … the trauma Brian is working at healing from … it's changed our relationship. The way I see him. And just things in our family. I look at things Jack is going through now in his twenties and I find myself looking back on my relationship with Brian in our twenties and thinking about … past that can't be fixed so instead it makes me worry about the now for Jack and what his future might look like. Comparing them. I look at Benji and do the same. And Benji just turned eleven. That's when it started with Brian and there's all these anxieties bubbling up in him. Triggers and worries. I feel like we're walking on eggshells right now. This fine line."
Lindstrom nodded and sat back a bit. "Is Brian seeking counseling right now?" he asked.
Olivia rubbed at her eyebrow and exhaled.
"Olivia," he stressed a bit firmer. "I can give you a list of therapists who specialize in helping male victims. We can find him a male or female counselor – in an age demographic he'd be comfortable with."
"He's tried," she offered. "It's not really his thing. He wants to do this 'his way'."
"I understand that," he said. "And I am hearing clearly from you that he wants to be able to let this go and to move on. I think that is very good news – a good starting point. But, I want to stress again, that Brian – for the sake of your family, and for your sake – should be seeking some help through this. Especially if there are triggers in your family life right now."
"He's a wonderful Daddy," she said. "The kids adore him. They'd be lost without him."
"I hope you are telling him that," Lindstrom said.
"I do …," she allowed quietly.
He allowed her a little smile. "And does he tell you the same? Give you the same assurances about your parenting? Do you feel he's ticking off checkboxes you have? Is he taking care of you? Comforting you? Being the kind of doting husband you'd like?"
She sighed a little.
Lindstrom nodded. "I suspect that maybe him meeting those requirements might be hard for him right now with what you described. But since we're here to talk about you, Olivia, I need to ask if it's accepting Brian's shortcomings or is it that you are still struggling with the self-worth in feeling you are deserving of having someone do or be any of those things in your life?"
She allowed him a look. But she didn't know what to say. This was an ongoing conversation they had. She kept working on it – but it was hard to put aside a lifetime of not feeling like enough.
"I'm not sure Brian fits my previously imagined expectations of what a husband was," she said. "But I do feel like he has a lot better idea of what he's doing than I do more days than not. Even with … all this other stuff."
"And do you know if that's the way he feels?" Lindstrom asked.
She sighed and shook her head. "I don't think he knows what he's doing either. Neither of us do."
"But you're working at it together," Lindstrom nodded at her. "You made that commitment to each other. He made that commitment to you, Olivia."
She sighed and stared off at his books again.
"You didn't answer if he's ticking your checkboxes, Olivia?" Lindstrom tried again. "Do you feel taken care of? Comforted? Loved? Are you letting yourself feel that way?"
She nodded and looked at him again, though she felt her eyes glass a little. "He's good at those things. He does those things. Or at least he tried really hard."
Lindstrom examined her again. "Are you telling him what you need, Olivia?"
"I'm trying to get better at that too …" But she sighed again and gazed at him. "I don't think either of us know how to comfort the other right now."
"Olivia … what's up?" he put to her more directly. "I'm not getting the sense that it really is Brian or your marriage that you want to work on here today."
She sighed and rubbed at her forehead. "It is and it isn't. It's like you said – it's all connected."
"Then let's pick the starting chute that you actually want to kick-off in," he pressed gently.
"It's Benji," she said flatly – more weakly than she wanted to.
Lindstrom observed her and gave a little, slow nod. "OK. He started middle school earlier this month?"
"It's not that," she sighed. "Actually, so far that's going almost shockingly well. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop."
"Catastrophizing, Olivia …," he chided gently. It was another one of her M.O.s that they'd been trying to work through and put aside.
She allowed a thin smile and rubbed more at her forehead. It felt like a headache was coming on.
"His birthday?" Lindstrom ventured when she hadn't offered more. "Brian triggered?"
She exhaled and looked at him, willing her eyes to not glass as they waded into this conversation. "No," she allowed. "His birthday had its hiccups. But it was because he wasn't feeling well. So the day – the weekend – didn't go the way Benji had wanted."
"OK …," Lindstrom allowed but observed her eyes carefully. "The lupus? You were supposed to have follow-up appointments this month?"
She nodded and tried to shrug it off. But the movement instead made the tears she'd been working on keeping at bay find an opening to slip out and she reached to squeeze the bridge of her nose to try to mask it. Lindstrom had stopped it, though, and shoved the Kleenex box on the table between them closer to her. She took a tissue as she let her hand come away from her eyes and tried to focus on him again.
"The treatment we did – did and didn't work. They're still seeing more disease activity than they want to in him. In his lungs… the lining. We're going to have to do a different type of treatment. It's expensive and …" she shook her head. "He's having more bad days than good. He's just tired and achy. The weather changes and temperatures. It's affecting his breathing."
"And it's affecting you," Lindstrom said. "And Brian. And Emily. And Jack."
Olivia allowed a weak nod. "I feel like … I've failed him as a mother. And I don't know how to fix it for him. I hardly know how to comfort him. I don't know when to push him or just let him rest. When to be stern or when to baby him. I don't know how to manage Brian's emotions about it or Emily's and Jack's confusion and their worry and need for attention too."
And she stared at Lindstrom. "And sometimes I'm holding him at night – when he can't sleep and his joints are hurting so much – and he just keeps asking if it was something his biological mother did that caused this and why Brian and I 'didn't make' him. And I don't know how to respond to that either. I feel like I don't know how to be his mother anymore."
AUTHOR NOTE:
Reviews, feedback and comments are greatly appreciated.
I think I might like to just do some fun, mushy day-in-the-life type family moment chapters. Not really a flowing story with an end point or even chronological telling.
