Title: Step At A Time

Author: ZombieJazz

Fandom: SVU

Disclaimer: I don't own them. Law&Order: Special Victims Unit and its characters belong to Dick Wolf. The character of Jack, Benji and Emmy have been created and developed for the sake of this AU series.

Summary: With the fall upon them, Olivia Benson and Brian Cassidy help their young children start a new chapter in their lives. They must work to come to terms with the new challenges and struggles facing them — including Benji's health, middle school, Grade 1 and new developments, colleagues and dynamics at their jobs. All the while they must make the necessary adjustments to their family and work life to operate within their new reality.

The story is set in the Hello Goodbye, Welcome Home, Facing Forward, Best Laid Plans AU.

"I don't think we were particularly stealthy spies, though," Olivia said.

"Oh, was that the purpose of that activity?" Lindstrom provided her.

She shrugged. "I actually think it was an agility test," she said. "But I'm not sure we did particularly well there either."

"I think Emily might've," Lindstrom offered of Emily's maneuver that had shown her crawling around on the ground for the majority of the video. "And I'm sure you all got points for style."

Olivia smiled a bit at that. "I think we lost some after we left the museum and Emily was still tracking around Manhattan showing off the boot marks from all the spies that went before us through that agility maze."

He offered her a smile. "Speaking of style," he commented. "It's quite the sweater Benjamin has on."

Olivia exhaled a bit – gauging what that note might mean he was clocking. But she allowed a nod, again rubbing at her eyebrow.

"He used his vacation money to get that on our trip," she provided of the Rocket Scientist hoodie splashed with a NASA patch proudly displayed on the sleeve.

"A new career aspiration?" Lindstrom offered again. She could feel him starting to nudge along the conversation in other areas.

Olivia shrugged a little. "Maybe," she said.

The reality was that she was still learning how to navigate Benji's hopes and dreams. To let him dream big without trampling all over the bright eyes of a little boy. Buts she was more and more becoming aware that as he started to near his teenaged years, she was going to have to redirect him a bit. It didn't matter how much he still loved firetrucks or thought he might want to be a cop (especially an undercover detective, like Daddy, since it's pretty much a spy) or hoped that maybe he'd still be good enough at hockey or BMXing that he could be a pro or that maybe being an astronaut was a really good idea (since you got to do science and fly really awesome vehicles and could do all kind of skating and BMX tricks in Zero-G). It was becoming abundantly clear that they couldn't preach the 'you can do anything you put your mind to', 'if you put in the work, you can make it happen'. That was wasn't going to be realistic with his health. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

They were slowly trying to help nudge him into other areas by carefully observing his skills and talents and interests. To tap into art and science. That maybe a lab tech or a Forensics unit made more sense. Maybe a meteorologist or an engineer or a graphic designer or auto mechanic. That maybe a rocket science made more since than an astronaut.

But she hadn't wanted to wade into that with Lindstrom this session. She knew what he'd say – that health science and medical research was constantly changing and advancing and they really didn't know what the future held for Benji or what disease treatment options might be available. That she had to remain positive and hopeful and optimistic. That Benji still had a life to live and a whole life ahead of him.

"In the very least he felt it was essential clothing for starting at his Math and Science middle school," was what she did say. "And I've hardly been able to peel it off him to even get it into the wash this month."

It earned another small smile out of him – but she'd seen him clock her facial reactions to his comment before she provided her deflection, just as much as she was watching him now. He gave her a moment of space, looking back to the phone again and flipping through.

"You hadn't mentioned you'd gotten to the Space Center," he tried to provide casually.

Olivia nodded. "It was a last-minute decision," she said. "One of the rocket launches got moved to a day we were down there. Don knew someone who knew someone and was able to get us all tickets to go watch."

"Wow," he said and caught her eyes again. "That must've been quite the experience."

"It was," she agreed and touched at her chest. "You just feel the power of it. It's incredible. I think the whole day blew their little minds a bit."

"You seem very dedicated to providing them with opportunities to learn new things and have interesting experiences," he said.

She shrugged a bit. "After four days at Universal, I think we needed something that wasn't make-believe to balance out the trip."

He allowed her a thin smile. "But you do seem to make the most of your time with them while you're here at home too," he offered and gestured at the phone – like their day at the museum proved the point.

But Olivia only shrugged a bit more. "We try to get them out to a museum maybe once or twice a month. It's not Brian's favorite family activity."

Lindstrom gave her a small explanation. "What's his preference?"

Olivia made a little amused sound and stared at her feet for a moment. Brian's preference was generally to stay in unless it involved a meal or sports viewing. But she only shrugged as she looked back at Lindstrom. "Going to the park and just watching them play is more his speed."

"Routine," Lindstrom said.

And she shrugged a little again. "I think years on the job does that. Stability, predictability."

"Well, children thrive in that too," Lindstrom offered. "Though, it does look like you broke everyone out of their routines a bit on the weekend."

And again, Olivia tried to brush it off. "His birthday weekend was such a write-off. He was … pretty much bedridden. So, it was a redo. It more just illustrates how … absolutely and infuriatingly unpredictable the lupus symptoms can be."

"But you made the most of it," Lindstrom said. "You seized the day."

"We tried," she said.

He handed the phone back to her. "Photographically, Olivia, it looks like you had a lovely day."

She glanced at the phone and smiled a little at where he'd stopped. It was a group shot of her family – Brian's longer arm managing to get them all in – on the ferry they'd taken back across the river, because the kids loved to go on the ferries every chance they got, even if it wasn't the most direct route to getting them home.

"Not what you expected?" she mumbled.

"Now, that's an interesting question, Olivia," he said and she pulled her eyes away from her phone, returning it too her pocket. "Do you feel that I should be worried about where you are in your ability to stay in the moment and enjoy the day-to-day?"

She shook her head and rubbed at her eyebrow again as she sat back in the chair a bit. "I meant more it's the first time you'd seen them. The kids. Brian. Sometimes it feels like … they aren't what people expect."

"Mmm …," Lindstrom allowed. "And what do you mean by that?"

She shrugged a little. "I guess … with Brian, people who are meeting him for the first time, who don't know him, often find him a little rough around the edges."

"And that bothers you?"

She exhaled and shook her head. "Not so much anymore. I had periods where I felt like I was having to explain myself – or him … my choice of him. He's … a different kind of person – man – than I'd dated before."

"And he's the one you've chosen to settle down with, raise a family with," Lindstrom said.

She shrugged. "And now I hear so often – again, with people who don't know us very well – that Benji looks so much like Brian. Emmy shares some physical traits with me. We get that a lot. Just … people not realizing the kids are adopted."

"And that bothers you?" Lindstrom put to her again.

She allowed a quiet noise at that and again looked at the ground for a moment. "It didn't before. I think … I liked that we passed as a family."

"You are a family," Lindstrom prodded gently.

She gave him a thin smile. "That they passed as our biological children. I guess – maybe – I still had … or have … some regret about not having a biological child of my own. And those moments filled some sort of hole. But lately …" she shook her head a bit and tried to figure out how to phrase this. "Benji very much is aware he's adopted. He has memories of his mother. He remembers coming home. He remembers when Brian was just 'Brian'. We've talked lots about all families being made up differently and what it means to be a family. But he's become really obsessive on the 'why' of why Brian and I aren't his biological parents. The 'why' he isn't our biological baby. The is that 'why' he has lupus. Would he not have it if he was ours. They 'why' isn't he ours when everyone tells him he looks so much like his Daddy. It's just … it's added this different layer and this whole different kind of regret to him not biologically being ours."

"Olivia," Lindstrom put gently, "I'm sure you know – even if Benji was biologically your child, it's possible he would have been diagnosed with lupus."

"Possibly," she allowed. "Maybe. It's just more 'whys'. The doctors don't seem to know the 'whys' of the disease. And that makes it even harder for us to answer them for Benji. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I've placed blame on his mother and the boys' uncle. Her drug usage. The living situation. The likelihood it impacted his immune system. The likelihood his little body had to fight off infections. That he was likely compromised."

"And that is circumstance – not biology as a trigger," Lindstrom said. "And, sadly, many children who are adopted when they are older come from circumstances that are going to follow them and have some implications on them for the rest of their lives."

She sighed and stared off at his book shelves.

"I did notice that Jack wasn't in the photos from this weekend," he said.

Olivia shook her head and slowly brought her eyes back to him. "I asked him not to participate."

"Would you like to talk about that?"

Olivia rested her cheek against her bent arm along the back of the seat. "I try not to mention Jack here."

"I understand," Lindstrom allowed. "But, he is a part of your life. And, he is no longer a patient."

She exhaled and looked off at his bookshelves again. "He showed up on Friday night – and stirred things up. And I just … didn't feel like dealing with him. I asked him to leave. I just don't have the patience for it – him – right now. He's picking at Brian a lot lately. He's setting Benji off. And I … didn't want to play referee. I'm just not feeling like I'm on his side right now. Or can be. I feel … guilty, badly about that. But I don't. Benji, Emily, Brian. They're my focus. They need to be. But I feel guilty about that too."

AUTHOR NOTE:

Well this didn't write the way I wanted at all. But there it is.